DH won’t take time off work

[Arthriticmiddlefinger]

we’ve been together 5 years, married around 3 years and have a 14 month old DD. I’m going back to work in September as had to take extended mat leave due to nursery space availability.

Thing is, DH took 3 weeks paternity leave, then took a week annual leave back in April for a trip, and that’s almost it. He’s taken a (very) few odd days out completely out of the blue and that could be because he just fancies a day off or because he wants to do something with us. Doesn’t discuss with me, so we could make plans or maybe I need to do something and would be best he’d take a different day and he takes DD. He just lets me know. This is incredibly frustrating.

We’ve talked about this a number of times but he either deflects/accuses me of not understanding his position/turns it around on me/etc, or has said things that give me hope he sees my perspective, but then nothing changes, or changes temporarily and then back he reverts.

He’s a very hands on, loving dad and partner otherwise.

I just feel treated like a mug, like he just says things to get me off his back and is not interested in changing/improving our relationship and how we communicate. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Will he take time off if you ask him to for a specific reason?

Assuming he has plenty of holiday to take I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong by taking a day off when he feels he needs it without it being a planned event.

Have you talked about what will happen when your dd can’t go to nursery and you both need to go to work?

I wouldn’t use my annual leave unless I had a specific reason / holiday

not sure what you want him to take annual leave for ?

He does take time off for a specific reason if I ask him to (eg hospital appointment or if I book an event for the 3 of us). It’s only if either I plan, or there’s a proper reason.

or the odd day that I mentioned.

he says we’ll share the sick days. His job is very flexible.

I’m burnt out tho and then going back to work practically straight from this, when it didn’t have to be like this

It could be for a holiday. For a reason such as having some days as a family without having to travel far, perhaps (day trips). Something a bit more relaxed than the everyday. and where I’m not the whole day with her.

Ask him to book some time for a holiday. If he refuses, tell him you're going to book for you and the child and do it. Go without him. See if that makes a difference.

It sounds like you want him to take the initiative and offer to take time off before you go back to work so that you can have some time and support, but he’s not a mind reader. If he’ll cooperate when you spell out what you need then just do that. It will cost you less energy and heartache in the long run.

You do sound really exhausted. I’m a bit confused about the problem. If you were to say to him - please can we plan a holiday, would he take time off? I periodically take a day of annual leave for my own purposes. As long as he takes leave when you need him to, I don’t think there’s any reason for stress.

Tbh I’m so bitter about the whole thing I don’t want to go anywhere with him. He has a couple of destination events and has found the time, money (not a problem we have) and wherewithal to go to those. and then has the cheek to ask me if I want to come too. But not if it’s something for us, then it’s impossible. Lost count of how many hours I’ve wasted looking, planning, because he’d said yes, then turns around and says no. And now I’m going back to
work and using some AL to reduce my hours, I can’t really do as pp says

I have asked him. He won’t do it. I’ve now decided to just keep quiet and spare myself the argument/discussion that results in nothing, or is too little too late. I’ll just do things with DD on our own. But it’s so unfair. It could be so simple. I don’t get it

Completely respect and am on board with taking leave for oneself, however that time is used. But he won’t do it. The odd day here and there that he spends with us and nothing else, and those are completely out of the blue.

In the short-term, I'd divide your own AL between rest days for you and holidays with DD.

In the long-term, I'd be questioning what you want in a relationship.

someone that communicates with me and takes the initiative to work on himself/his issues, and I don’t mind helping with that.

this situation, as minor as it seems, actually has me questioning the relationship. I can’t believe it, it sounds ridiculous

If you were to say to him that you would like to go on holiday before you return to work, would he respond to that?

So look, plan, go without him and have a great time.

It wouldn't be a minor deal for me. I agree that you should both have a chance to do things for yourselves too, but when you have a family, imo the majority of AL should go on family trips/holidays (and sick days of course). Personally I'd call his bluff and tell him you can't come but he can take your LO on some of these trips he's planning.

Has he yet lost annual leave? Ours is mostly use it or lose it.

Is this a deal breaker for you? If so, tell him.

What he's doing is weird. Everyone I know uses their holiday entitlement.

I don't think this is 'minor' at all.

@Arthriticmiddlefinger - understood - so he won’t plan to take a holiday with you and your DC but he will plan trips with mates. That’s really bad. No wonder you’re pissed off. He sounds very immature and like he’s still trying to live a single life. How old is he?

With my first I put her in nursery two days a week two weeks before I went back to work as I was so burnt out (that’s all I could afford).

if you cannot delay your return any more would it be possible for you to come tact the nursery to ask if they have any off days to help your DC ‘settle’. I found before I went back from mat leave I needed some time to myself to did out my work clothes, get my hair cut, etc.

Are you serious? Or just shit stirring?

This.

Not quite that straightforward- he wanted me and DD to go to these events but one is impractical and the other (which was arranged more recently) felt like a kick in the teeth. I tried to address all of his concerns over time (anxiety about flying with DD? We can do something in UK and drive. Money? Don’t have to travel, can have some nice days out. Busy period at work? Tried to combine a holiday with a work trip. Nothing worked), and he couldn’t arrange something with us, and now wants us to tag along to something with his mates? Nah. @Dery

@calmcoco he doesn’t seem to care about losing his annual leave days.

what has become a dealbreaker for me is that when I was vulnerable and dependent on him, my wants and needs weren’t taken into account. And attempts at talking about this were faced with deflection, defensiveness, it being turned around on me without any clarification being provided when asked, and so on. Problem is that I’m struggling to have yet another conversation to convey to him how unhappy I am with this. I’ve gone quiet while I gather my thoughts and feelings. I pretend it’s done.

When I say it’s something minor is that taking some time off to spend with your wife and DD shouldn’t be this difficult. We should be able to sit with a calendar and make some plans. It baffles me that it has become this