DH won’t take time off work

[Arthriticmiddlefinger]

we’ve been together 5 years, married around 3 years and have a 14 month old DD. I’m going back to work in September as had to take extended mat leave due to nursery space availability.

Thing is, DH took 3 weeks paternity leave, then took a week annual leave back in April for a trip, and that’s almost it. He’s taken a (very) few odd days out completely out of the blue and that could be because he just fancies a day off or because he wants to do something with us. Doesn’t discuss with me, so we could make plans or maybe I need to do something and would be best he’d take a different day and he takes DD. He just lets me know. This is incredibly frustrating.

We’ve talked about this a number of times but he either deflects/accuses me of not understanding his position/turns it around on me/etc, or has said things that give me hope he sees my perspective, but then nothing changes, or changes temporarily and then back he reverts.

He’s a very hands on, loving dad and partner otherwise.

I just feel treated like a mug, like he just says things to get me off his back and is not interested in changing/improving our relationship and how we communicate. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Do you not think that maybe he should notice that the woman he loves and shares a house with is burned out and exhausted though? She says he's involved when he's home so surely he realises the days are long for her?

What is his job? Being Devil's advocate, some places make it hard to take annual leave. Let alone take days off on a whim. Also, perhaps you should be a bit more assertive and say what you want. As someone else said, seems like you want him to be a mind reader

No it doesn't.

It's telling you where you are on his priority list.

Does he know it might be a dealbreaker?

I have this problem with DH sometimes and now I’ve become a bit anal about it. We agree a rough annual leave schedule for the following year in December each year (both our leave is Jan to Dec) otherwise he ends up with loads in Dec and it is so annoying. We aren’t religious about it but we tend to say ok we will target taking a week in April, a week in July etc etc. We then keep a few free unplanned days for emergencies or other events that may come up.

Its even more important now we have a Dc, but we also have the problem that we have opposite busy seasons at work so we do need to plan!! I expect people will be along to say I’m really anal but it works for us. Hope this helps.

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but, in my experience (almost exactly like yours), your DH will just get worse and more self seeking with every year that passes until you and your children outgrow him emotionally and he becomes the petulant baby of the family complaining about how hard he has to work and weaponising his incompetence further in order to maintain his emotional and physical comfort at your expense. When you find yourself carefully explaining how to do school pick-up (where in the playground, time, protocols etc) because he hasn't done it enough to know - he 'forgot' how. Or you plan, book, pack for and clean for a holiday for the entire family and he walks in with a bag filled with the clothes you washed and says "I'm ready". Or he expects you to do all the christmas and birthday cards and gifts for both families. Or he complains about how noisy the kids are when he wants a lie in. Or when he won't wash his hands before meals/after the toilet/ before cooking even though he will enforce it with the kids. Or when he 'leave it to soak' when he does the dishes and you end up doing it. Or he asks you to 'make a list' of what you want him to do because 'how will he know what needs doing' otherwise? You'll have angry arguments and calm conversations over and over and over and find yourself 20 years down the line wondering why you're the one with a giant extra child whose only redeeming quality is his ability to bring some money into the household.

How did you both approach planning your holidays before you had children?

If you're burnt out and need a break, have you asked him to book annual leave specifically to look after your child whilst you go to a friend's to sleep? You said he would book leave if given a specific reason.

OP why can’t you leave DC with him for a day on the weekend and go off and get your haircut? Spend the day to yourself?

I don’t think many women ask their partner to take a days annual leave to get a smear test. Most of us have taken small children with us and strapped them in the pushchair if we need to. But you also said his work was pretty flexible so why not just book the appointment and tell him you need him to spend a couple of hours at home on X day?

I know this isn’t really the main issue but you seem to be so buried at the moment that you can’t see practical solutions to some pretty simple problems. If you can deal with that stuff you might start to feel a little better.

What would happens if you just said I want a week for a family holiday. How about X week? What would he say? Do you have parents you and DC could go away with instead? Not what you want but at least you would get away and hopefully they would help with DC.

You sound at the end of your tether OP.

Just breaking down the problem a bit: your life has been transformed by the arrival of a child. It's about to get a bit busier and more stressful due to return to work. He talks nice about family but basically expects to live his life as before.

Starting point should be that you have roughly equal leisure and roughly equal drudgery. He's taken his leave as two weeks of leisure with mates. You're pissed off because you a) haven't had the same and b) wouldn't want the same as you now have a child and are committed to giving her a good start by building a strong family unit. Only your DP doesn't seem to be on the same page.

I'm not sure that he should be longing for family holidays as tbh, they're often quite hard work, but he should be signalling his commitment to building that family ethos through spending time together.

He should also be recognising that you need some time to yourself and he's the main person who can give it to you.

If he's used all his leave for this year, you need to tell him you're unhappy you didn't spend it as a family. Then sit down with calendars and look at what leave you will both have next year and what would be a fair way to use it. So for example if he gets a trip away so do you, and he'll need to use his leave to cover for you/rearrange hours etc.

The thing that really stands out to me a that you say you are burnt out. What happens on his days off each week? There is such a big focus here on AL but surely he has 2 days a week off? He needs to be taking over with dd on one of these days to give you a break. Do you have any support at all from anyone with dd? As someone said, can nursery start some settling in days for dd? That would be really good for you. It does sound like you are struggling, you shouldn't be feeling burnt out on maternity leave, with one dc. Your dh definitely needs to step up.

You're burnt out Op, it's hard. I've been there and I revisit occasionally. How is care for DD split between you? Could you take yourself off for a day and comfortably leave him with her?

Tbh it sounds like he doesn't consider you as a person with needs beyond the child and picks you up if and when he wants. If he's gone on personal trips but hasn't got the wherewithal to understand the need for a small family break away then I think you've got bigger issues than you think. I would also resent having to make a bigger song and dance to get modicum of respect from him. I wouldn't be having anymore children with him till he realizes how selfish he is.

OP I was really confused by your posts, will he take leave when you ask him or won’t he? Is it that he doesn’t want to go on foreign holidays or no holiday at all? Is he good with DC on weekends etc?

Also I find the last part of maternity leave the hardest. You have to hang in there but when I got back to work I had some breathing space and felt much better. If you still need a day to yourself take a sick day.

When you’re back at work get a bit of perspective and then see what you want to do. My husband and I plan holidays mostly together using our annual leave then we each may take a week on our own with the kids so we don’t have to pay for holiday clubs as much (not sure you’ll have that issue with a nursery.)

If he still won’t plan any holidays when you’re both back at work then feel free to take your annual leave for your own holidays, time with DC and rethink your relationship!

Do you know my ex-husband ? 😁

@Floogal I wondered too if there was an issue at work with taking time off, but that does not seem the case.

He wants to save all his AL for fun stuff with his mates. If he uses it all up with you, he'll be stuck.

I’ve read all of your posts including the comments and I also don’t understand what the issue is?

You said he’ll take the odd day off to have a day off or spend time with you guys. Does he not help out with your DC during these days? Does he not help out at all after work or does he do shifts?

You’ve posted again saying that you’re struggling with this and it’s clear there’s a lot of emotions behind your post. What’s the actual problem here? You feel as if he isn’t supporting you or using his initiative to do things like book a holiday? I’m confused!

I like this suggestion. The suggestion of spending at least one day a week with your friend / family etc. and leaving DH with the alternative sounds quite temping. But probably wouldn`t be as productive, unfortunately.

I always organise our holidays otherwise they wouldn't get done. If money isn't a problem, why don't you just book a week away somewhere nice as a family that has a baby-sitting service or kids club? I think in one of your posts you said travel with a baby was too much, but it doesn't have to be. Maybe he doesn't see a trip in the UK as worth taking time off for but would for a holiday abroad?

So the husband has had 28 days off work this year, and the OP has had 365 off? M'kayyy....

I'm not sure if you've had children , but looking after a newborn is actually quite hard work. ( speaking as a senior professional who has had 2 babies as well.)

Are you effing kidding me? Maternity leave is not a holiday. Have you met babies and toddlers. I have a stressful job but I've never felt more burnt out and exhausted than my last day of mat leave. It's offensive to me that your equate this experience with a holiday.

No, but I suspect that might be how the OP's dh views it.

He should realise but he hasn't. I think she's going to need to explain it to him in short words & big letters.

Once she is back at work, hopefully, he will see them as equal again, and needing to share & organise accordingly.

I think you need to sit him down and plan it.

I have accepted that Mr Monkey is not really a planner but is happy to go away or do things spontaneously - however that is often not practical given my working hours are weekdays and he works at least one day every weekend and his second day off is variable. He can also be a bit lazy and can get in a rut (he freely admits this).

So I have accepted I need to manage this aspect if I want holidays. What I tend to do is to sit us down in a favourite pub and after a drink we chat about what it is we want to do (he gets enthusiastic about this). We then agree dates there and then - I put them in our diaries and I often book something (transport/hotel etc..) right there and then so he has to then book the time off or risk losing the money.

Your post says he won’t take time off yet you have said here he will?

It sounds to me like actually you’re not communicating. You ask him to take time off. He does it. He takes time off and you’re mad because what? He isn’t doing childcare? Presumably he isn’t taking it off for that purpose? If you said here he refused to take time off whilst taking it off for himself I would get your annoyance but that isn’t what you’re saying unless I have missed something?

Before the start of the summer, I took the initiative to get on Airbnb to see what was out there for a few 3/4 night breaks. I then presented my thoughts to my SAHW , she was delighted. I booked the annual leave and the accommodation. We'll co-arrange what we are doing together with the children in the days leading up to going. I think this is quite a healthy way of looking at it. I look forward to breaks, holidays and day trips with my wife and 3 and 7 yr old. Very strange that he appears to not?

I'm a bit confused by the "share sick days" do you mean take time off if child is sick?