DH won’t take time off work

[Arthriticmiddlefinger]

we’ve been together 5 years, married around 3 years and have a 14 month old DD. I’m going back to work in September as had to take extended mat leave due to nursery space availability.

Thing is, DH took 3 weeks paternity leave, then took a week annual leave back in April for a trip, and that’s almost it. He’s taken a (very) few odd days out completely out of the blue and that could be because he just fancies a day off or because he wants to do something with us. Doesn’t discuss with me, so we could make plans or maybe I need to do something and would be best he’d take a different day and he takes DD. He just lets me know. This is incredibly frustrating.

We’ve talked about this a number of times but he either deflects/accuses me of not understanding his position/turns it around on me/etc, or has said things that give me hope he sees my perspective, but then nothing changes, or changes temporarily and then back he reverts.

He’s a very hands on, loving dad and partner otherwise.

I just feel treated like a mug, like he just says things to get me off his back and is not interested in changing/improving our relationship and how we communicate. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Ha!

There’s no time left as DD is going through settling in at nursery and I go back to work in 2ish weeks. Now I also need time to do as pp said, get a haircut, sort my shit out to start work again, get a smear test even etc

Anyone out there? Struggling with this

I can't see the problem here. Most people only get 28 days holiday a year and you say he's already had 4 weeks off so really that's it all gone.
My husband takes the odd day off here and there like how uou put it at no notice and randomly and not once do I moan about it or question it or expect him to spend time doing stuff. Maybe he's exhausted and needs a day off.

Was the paternity leave all holiday I thought men got some paid leave?

I'm slightly puzzled by this too.

You say he will take time off to go on holiday together or if you have an appointment and need cover for dc.

AL is precious and I wouldn't want to waste it on vague unplanned days at home either. I have meetings booked in at work from now until Xmas and couldn't break those commitments already made unless it was an emergency. Holiday has to be planned, booked & ringfenced weeks or months in advance where I work. Maybe he is the same.

Is it that you want him to take the initiative and organise something? You say he has recently but you were too fed up by that point to want to go.

As for working on himself, maybe he doesn't see/understand the problem.

I think you sit him down and say you may not realise it, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how you will make an effort for your friends but not for your wife. So I’m done asking you to put aside time and plan an activity for us. But I do need a break. So I am taking every Saturday off for the next month. I will prep for work, get my head into the right gear, get a haircut, have a day I don’t have to look after a baby all day long. Please don’t make this difficult. You get time off. I have not, and you might as well have told me you think I’m an irrelevant joke when I asked you to support us in some time off. So I’m taking it, the difference is you’re on parent duty and not invited.

a flat no to any Saturday days out he suddenly organises. ‘No, it’s Saturday, I’m busy but you two have a wonderful time.’

I'd be thinking he doesn't really want to take care of the baby or have to plan around her needs and yours too much. The way I see it this is why he asked you to come along with him and his friends: so you'll end up doing most of the hard work and then he can claim that he listened to you and that you had a holiday (in which you probably wouldn't get to rest at all). I'd make it a point to have regular weekend days in which you meet up with your friends or go do somerhing fun and relaxing alone and let him by himself with the baby for the whole day. WEEKLY.

OP is exhausted and needs a day off.

When does she get one? Because she is always with the baby. Whereas he swans off on jollies with mates. She can't get a smear done.

Has he taken time off work for a family holiday with just you and your child this year?

I'm a bit confused, does he work shifts every day? Do you not get time together as a family at the weekend?

We use our annual leave for actual reasons not just because

His wife is burnt out and exhausted after an extended maternity leave. Giving her a break and/or some adult company is an actual reason.

YANBU OP, I would have felt the same.

We have DC at school so covering days they're off takes some planning. I have a holiday spreadsheet that I populate every year with all the days kids are off school then I sit and work out what days we will both take off to take a holiday, what days I can cover, what he can cover and what holiday clubs we need. I send him the spreadsheet and tell him to ask for the days off. If I did nothing he would literally work every day of the year. You need to plan holidays ahead rather than take a random approach.

But she says he’ll take the day off if she asks him to?

I have read all OP’s posts and I’m not sure I understand the issue. OP, when you say ‘but he won’t do it’, what is ‘it’? What is it you want him to do that he is not doing re holiday?

But he's sabotaged every single attempt she's made to have an actual holiday as a family. Whereas he doesn't have a problem swanning off with his mates, even at short notice, and asking her to tag along.

How hands on is he with your child in the evenings and weekends? He might not realise how exhausting a little one is if you are the main care giver. Book a Fri night on your own in a hotel and let him do it on his own for a night and stay away the next day. Don’t give much notice so that he can dump it on his mum.

This!
I'm 15 years on from you and went/still going thru the same as you.
Currently on a sun holiday and husband still working on laptop indoors. Grr.
It's ok till 3 pm due to the strong sun, but by 4 pm, when our 10 year old wants him in the pool with him - 😠. He does go in the pool at 4.30 pm but it's hard on the children to have a workaholic father.

Make your own life, set boundaries (Saturday off from x am to y pm), otherwise the stress and resentment may wear you down (make you ill). It's good for the children to have time alone with their father, otherwise there's no connection between them other than biological.

Lots of luck- It's hard! X

I have had to read everything twice to understand your POV. It’s not been easy to understand what the problem is. Most families have a week or two away together each year. Did you not do this as a couple before DD was born? Once you have a child, couples holiday turns into family holiday. There shouldn't need to be a big shift towards planning a “family” holiday if you were already in the habit of a couples holiday.
I’d recommend planning something for next May or June (outside of school hols).
Perhaps he needs to adapt his mindset now he’s a dad. Things don’t just carry on as if he was childless, as before.
You say he’s hands on, loving and caring the rest of the time so this issue seems completely different to this personality the rest of the time as it seems to suggest he’s selfish.
I’m not suggesting that your husband has ADHD, but mine does and he used to struggle to think as a family, and consider 5 people with needs and priorities. His brain couldn’t think in parallel needs and feelings, nor could it plan ahead. His brain would agree to things to end the conversation and then not follow through with anything.
I think you need to find a way to communicate where you both feel heard. It’s really hard to achieve this in relationships, especially in the years after a big change like having your first child.
we often speak in couples without listening and processing. We wait for the other one to finish their sentence just so we can say what we want to say. We don’t actually listen to what their sentence was trying to tell us or pause to consider it. We almost speak in two monologues!
there is a couples counselling technique that addresses this. It’s a bit long-winded but it does make us slow down when discussing important things. The idea is that eventually you don’t need to use it as it trains our brains to listen. It goes something like this: One person voices their problem clearly and factually (without accusing the other of anything). So you express yourself as you have done here. Then your partner repeats back what he’s understood, “you tell me that you’re tired after being the sole caret for our child and would like some quality family time for a week, which we don’t have planned in the near future. You say you’ve tried to plan some but we’ve not made progress to agreeing on it. We’ve run out of time to do so now you’re going back to work.” Then he must interpret this and translate it into emotions: “I imagine this makes you feel lonely, frustrated….” The idea is that he learns some empathy. You’d then swap roles and listen to him and do the same.
I don’t have time to explain it all and there are probably better examples online.

I’d be furious if he lost AL days when you’ve been struggling with doing all the baby raising. That’s completely out of order and I’d be questioning the relationship too. Fact he’s booked something with his mates though and then thought he better ask you both to tag along as he’s realised he’s completely selfish -unbelievable

Paternity leave isn’t counted in your 28 days and is 2wks so he’s taken an extra week on that I assume as OP said he’s taken 3wks paternity leave, then one more week. So he’s still got 2wks left. One week AL in 14 months is not exactly the norm. Guessing he would rather be in work than home with his wife and baby, which is concerning

@Arthriticmiddlefinger totaly do this
he won’t take AL to give you a break so what is he doing at the weekends.

I would be doing this take one day at weekend for you . Why shouldn’t you .
he’s a selfish pig who thinks the baby is your job and he’s single most of the time .

'His wife is burnt out and exhausted after an extended maternity leave. Giving her a break and/or some adult company is an actual reason.'

If this is the reason, I now understand the problem. But I also see why he does not.

I've been on maternity leave and I found it boring and that I was at a loose end most of the time. I didn't get burnt out at all. I had too much time sitting around while ds was asleep or just happy playing.

Being a man, her dh has not been on mat.leave, and probably thinks she is the same, loads of spare time, no stress, He's already taken three weeks off and doesn't see what the issue is.

OP, you'll need to spell it out to him clearly & calmly, that you are stressed and NEED some help to get prepared for work in a couple of weeks. Or if he has work commitments he can't break, he should cover the cost of some nursery days and try to get home early as much as possible. Can you have your mum come and help for a few days?

I can hear how frustrating this is - he's just not putting his family first is he? You have spent the last months on maternity, been sleep deprived, changed your body etc. and he doesn't suggest taking some time off beyond the basic of paternity leave to spend time together or give you a break.

I'd also have not been happy about being offered the crumb - which is what tagging along on another trip is.

Not sure if there is a solution beyond laying out to him/losing your shit. Which shouldn't have to happen but this is where you're at. I'd hope that, as he is hands on and present the rest of the time, he simply hasn't realised how much you're feeling like an afterthought.