Page 5 | DH won’t take time off work

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 2023-08-16T14:47:22+00:00

we’ve been together 5 years, married around 3 years and have a 14 month old DD. I’m going back to work in September as had to take extended mat leave due to nursery space availability. Thing is, DH took 3 weeks paternity leave, then took a week annual leave back in April for a trip, and that’s almost it. He’s taken a (very) few odd days out completely out of the blue and that could be because he just fancies a day off or because he wants to do something with us. Doesn’t discuss with me, so we could make plans or maybe I need to do something and would be best he’d take a different day and he takes DD. He just lets me know. This is incredibly frustrating. We’ve talked about this a number of times but he either deflects/accuses me of not understanding his position/turns it around on me/etc, or has said things that give me hope he sees my perspective, but then nothing changes, or changes temporarily and then back he reverts. He’s a very hands on, loving dad and partner otherwise. I just feel treated like a mug, like he just says things to get me off his back and is not interested in changing/improving our relationship and how we communicate. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do anymore.

StillWantingADog · 18/08/2023 15:44

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 16/08/2023 20:47

When I say it’s something minor is that taking some time off to spend with your wife and DD shouldn’t be this difficult. We should be able to sit with a calendar and make some plans. It baffles me that it has become this

It’s not on really.
my dh is also really funny about taking holiday but he’ll never lose any, worst case scenario is always having lots of extra days in December.

m but I book and plan holidays and literally tell him when to book off. He finds it easier to just not make decisions on the topic which is something. OP if your dh won’t even let you do that it’s bad

Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 18/08/2023 15:45

Ohyesreally · 18/08/2023 10:29

Before the start of the summer, I took the initiative to get on Airbnb to see what was out there for a few 3/4 night breaks. I then presented my thoughts to my SAHW , she was delighted. I booked the annual leave and the accommodation. We'll co-arrange what we are doing together with the children in the days leading up to going. I think this is quite a healthy way of looking at it. I look forward to breaks, holidays and day trips with my wife and 3 and 7 yr old. Very strange that he appears to not?

Thank you.

it isn’t that hard, is it?

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Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 18/08/2023 15:47

breakingthebank · 18/08/2023 06:22

Has he taken time off work for a family holiday with just you and your child this year?

1 break of 4 nights back in May which was planned I think before DD was born. And even so I wasn’t sure he would actually go

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Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 18/08/2023 15:48

Codlingmoths · 18/08/2023 05:53

I think you sit him down and say you may not realise it, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how you will make an effort for your friends but not for your wife. So I’m done asking you to put aside time and plan an activity for us. But I do need a break. So I am taking every Saturday off for the next month. I will prep for work, get my head into the right gear, get a haircut, have a day I don’t have to look after a baby all day long. Please don’t make this difficult. You get time off. I have not, and you might as well have told me you think I’m an irrelevant joke when I asked you to support us in some time off. So I’m taking it, the difference is you’re on parent duty and not invited.

a flat no to any Saturday days out he suddenly organises. ‘No, it’s Saturday, I’m busy but you two have a wonderful time.’

good suggestion, thank you

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Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 18/08/2023 15:49

Eskimal · 18/08/2023 07:30

I have had to read everything twice to understand your POV. It’s not been easy to understand what the problem is. Most families have a week or two away together each year. Did you not do this as a couple before DD was born? Once you have a child, couples holiday turns into family holiday. There shouldn't need to be a big shift towards planning a “family” holiday if you were already in the habit of a couples holiday.
I’d recommend planning something for next May or June (outside of school hols).
Perhaps he needs to adapt his mindset now he’s a dad. Things don’t just carry on as if he was childless, as before.
You say he’s hands on, loving and caring the rest of the time so this issue seems completely different to this personality the rest of the time as it seems to suggest he’s selfish.
I’m not suggesting that your husband has ADHD, but mine does and he used to struggle to think as a family, and consider 5 people with needs and priorities. His brain couldn’t think in parallel needs and feelings, nor could it plan ahead. His brain would agree to things to end the conversation and then not follow through with anything.
I think you need to find a way to communicate where you both feel heard. It’s really hard to achieve this in relationships, especially in the years after a big change like having your first child.
we often speak in couples without listening and processing. We wait for the other one to finish their sentence just so we can say what we want to say. We don’t actually listen to what their sentence was trying to tell us or pause to consider it. We almost speak in two monologues!
there is a couples counselling technique that addresses this. It’s a bit long-winded but it does make us slow down when discussing important things. The idea is that eventually you don’t need to use it as it trains our brains to listen. It goes something like this: One person voices their problem clearly and factually (without accusing the other of anything). So you express yourself as you have done here. Then your partner repeats back what he’s understood, “you tell me that you’re tired after being the sole caret for our child and would like some quality family time for a week, which we don’t have planned in the near future. You say you’ve tried to plan some but we’ve not made progress to agreeing on it. We’ve run out of time to do so now you’re going back to work.” Then he must interpret this and translate it into emotions: “I imagine this makes you feel lonely, frustrated….” The idea is that he learns some empathy. You’d then swap roles and listen to him and do the same.
I don’t have time to explain it all and there are probably better examples online.

@Eskimal thank you, this is a good suggestion. Do you know if this technique from couples counselling has a name I could look up?

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Ohyesreally · 18/08/2023 15:51

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 18/08/2023 15:45

Thank you.

it isn’t that hard, is it?

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Sorry if your question was rhetorical 😂but, no, I don't think it's difficult. He has to have the will and desire to put in the effort though. A forced holiday or trip away won't feel particularly fun. A good chunk of the excitement is in the anticipation and planning for me.

Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 18/08/2023 21:28

Ohyesreally · 18/08/2023 15:51

Sorry if your question was rhetorical 😂but, no, I don't think it's difficult. He has to have the will and desire to put in the effort though. A forced holiday or trip away won't feel particularly fun. A good chunk of the excitement is in the anticipation and planning for me.

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It was rhetorical 😂 but I agree with the anticipation and planning being a big part of it.

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Genevieve29 · 19/08/2023 18:13

To me it sounds as though you are not coping with having a child and think your DH should only do as you want. Why can't you go to "his" events with DD? Why can't you fly with her? It's not really so difficult, you just need to be organised and brave. My DD is now 2 and has been to Italy and Mexico. So you have told your DH that his outings don't interest you, but expect him to want to take time off to accommodate yours? I think you both need to have a proper conversation about how to manage things going forward.

Catza · 19/08/2023 18:55

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 18/08/2023 15:01

Thanks everyone for your replies (not the one who implied mat leave is some sort of holiday. You’re definitely wrong)

sorry for the confusion. I’ll try to clarify:

his paternity leave was not part of his annual leave entitlement.

DH WFH mostly (against my wishes, really), very flexible job but does have lots of responsibilities, client contact, etc. He says he can’t plan his leave ‘far in advance’. He will take the odd day off without any notice and it aggravates me because he never tells me in advance. We could plan to do something nice/day trip/or I could take a day for myself and meet up with friends/whatever, if he communicated with me. As it is, I just get sprung on me in the evening that tomorrow he is off, and then it gets difficult to plan.

he doesn’t take these days off for himself, he wants to spend with us. As it is without warning, it almost always ends up being another day of drudgery wake up/feed/play/nap but just less full on.

the wfh is another problem. We live in a small flat and DD’s soon to be bedroom is used as the office. Children are loud. I end up not playing music or feeling anxious when she‘s being loud, because it will bother him/ He’ll come out if she’s crying to ‘support’. Or I need to go into her bedroom, and he’s in meetings (doesn’t tell me what time they are so I can pre plan). So many times I’ve asked him to go somewhere else/the office, he goes for a little while, then won’t anymore. He wants to be available to ‘help’ with DD (and he does get involved in the day to day with her - part of the job flexibility) but I don’t need him here all the time. I’ve also suggested he goes to the café on the corner (so he can still run home should random disaster strike!!) to no avail. I’m capable of caring for her on a day to day. What I need is to be able to take some time for us as a family and as person, not for him to come tend to us if she starts crying because she’s teething or frustrated with a toy!!

because of all this work flexibility and being available during the working day (which I don’t need nor want and have communicated this in many different ways, some harsher than others), he tells me he can’t take holidays and plan something with us (holidays/day trips/ time when we can share childcare/take turns and both rest a bit). This is part of the reason why I’ve said to him that going somewhere else to work would be best - so he can focus.

I’ve tried to address different anxieties he tells me feels, around taking time off or going on holiday:
anxiety about flying with DD? We can do something in UK and drive.
Worried about money? Don’t have to travel, can have some nice days out/take food with us/choose cheaper activities.
Busy period at work? Tried to combine a holiday with a work trip he had. Or just have a long weekend when it’s less busy at work.

I’ve tried talking and taking different angles - what would benefit him specifically/all of us/me specifically/his relationship with DD/our relationship.

I’ve tried telling him I’m just going to live my life and do things with DD by myself and it’s his loss.

Nothing worked.

He then asks me to come along to this destination event, which is after I go back to work. And would require me taking holidays from work (at least a week and a half, given the location), and I say I can’t do that right after coming back from extended mat leave. He says “I’ve know plenty of people to take holidays right after they come back from mat leave. But ok if you don’t want to”.

That’s when I started suspecting that he has got to be taking the piss and felt disrespected at being asked to tag along to some trip with his mates

Ah, well this is an interesting update. Here is what I see - your husband works from home to support you in raising a child, takes days off to spend time with you and invites you to work events. As far as he (and I!) thinks, he is being an involved parent and partner. In return he gets a wife who is unhappy about lack of notice as she can’t do spontaneous things, resents him for hanging around the house all the time and refuses to participate in anything he planned.
It very much sounds that at the moment, your attitude is “my way or the Highway” and you don’t have any appreciation for what he does for his family. I am not saying he does the absolute best he can but I also don’t think he is a selfish and terrible person. The atmosphere in your house does not sound joyous and I would be reluctant to take the time off to travel with someone who devalues my role as a parent and a husband as well, if I were in his place.
Maybe it’s time to cool the jets, see things from his perspective and come to a compromise together? It surely can’t be that hard to go to a cafe, take a drive to the beach/woods, visit a museum on a short notice. It also isn’t hard to say “ I find it hard to have you working from home as I need some time to recharge too but I want you to know that think you are a great dad” instead of “you are doing everything wrong and it aggravates me”.

DVL · 19/08/2023 21:37

My OH is self employed so also won’t take time off work as it’s unpaid. Holidays/birthday are an exception

Anything we do is planned for the weekends but i really don’t see the issue with this? My hair/drs/dentist etc is all booked for evening appointments when he’s back. He’s the higher earner so naturally it was my career that got reduced to less hours/progression put on hold.

I’m currently on maternity leave with #2 and hate it, it’s boring and relentless but it is what it is and it’s temporary.

I’ll be honest OP im not sure what the issue is here but speaking from experience of my first maternity leave/return to work it does get easier as they get older.

ExperiencedTeacher · 19/08/2023 22:59

I hear you OP. My DH went through a phase of being like this- it’s incredibly frustrating.

Random days off drive me crazy- we have very very busy lives. When I’m off for school holidays we have things planned most days. I put these on the calendar. When he takes a random day off it disrupts our plans rather than adds to them.

I also hate him WFH when we are off. I feel under pressure to keep kids quiet but it’s our home too. His workplace is 10 mins away and he can go in/WFH as he chooses so I don’t see why he can’t go in during the holidays.

The holidays thing is the killer for me. You need planned time off together. My DH would say that work don’t approve time off until just before it’s due so he can’t book anything until it’s approved but other people in his team would have loads of holidays. I felt like our family time was being disrespected and was less important than work time. He’s better now, I’m not sure what changed, but I could never find the words to make him understand.

Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 20/08/2023 00:12

Catza · 19/08/2023 18:55

Ah, well this is an interesting update. Here is what I see - your husband works from home to support you in raising a child, takes days off to spend time with you and invites you to work events. As far as he (and I!) thinks, he is being an involved parent and partner. In return he gets a wife who is unhappy about lack of notice as she can’t do spontaneous things, resents him for hanging around the house all the time and refuses to participate in anything he planned.
It very much sounds that at the moment, your attitude is “my way or the Highway” and you don’t have any appreciation for what he does for his family. I am not saying he does the absolute best he can but I also don’t think he is a selfish and terrible person. The atmosphere in your house does not sound joyous and I would be reluctant to take the time off to travel with someone who devalues my role as a parent and a husband as well, if I were in his place.
Maybe it’s time to cool the jets, see things from his perspective and come to a compromise together? It surely can’t be that hard to go to a cafe, take a drive to the beach/woods, visit a museum on a short notice. It also isn’t hard to say “ I find it hard to have you working from home as I need some time to recharge too but I want you to know that think you are a great dad” instead of “you are doing everything wrong and it aggravates me”.

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You’ve either misunderstood me or you’re one of the cool wives that turn up at AIBU from time to time.

as I’ve said, I tried to talk to him in a number of ways, times, different angles, etc. to no avail. would go to this destination event but do resent the fact he’ll do something for others but not for his family. And so on, as mentioned in the long post you quoted. What I would like is communication, compromise, balance.

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Ukrainebaby23 · 20/08/2023 07:04

ThatsGoingToHurt · 16/08/2023 18:00

With my first I put her in nursery two days a week two weeks before I went back to work as I was so burnt out (that’s all I could afford).

if you cannot delay your return any more would it be possible for you to come tact the nursery to ask if they have any off days to help your DC ‘settle’. I found before I went back from mat leave I needed some time to myself to did out my work clothes, get my hair cut, etc.

Yes DS went to nursery one day a week for several months before I went back ft. I used some of those days to wfh part day and get jobs done.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/08/2023 08:01

I can’t see the issue here - why shouldn’t he have a days leave when he fancies it without asking permission? You can do the same. He takes leave for family days or hosp appts when you ask. I can’t see an issue, it’s not healthy to not have some space and independence.

Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 20/08/2023 08:01

ExperiencedTeacher · 19/08/2023 22:59

I hear you OP. My DH went through a phase of being like this- it’s incredibly frustrating.

Random days off drive me crazy- we have very very busy lives. When I’m off for school holidays we have things planned most days. I put these on the calendar. When he takes a random day off it disrupts our plans rather than adds to them.

I also hate him WFH when we are off. I feel under pressure to keep kids quiet but it’s our home too. His workplace is 10 mins away and he can go in/WFH as he chooses so I don’t see why he can’t go in during the holidays.

The holidays thing is the killer for me. You need planned time off together. My DH would say that work don’t approve time off until just before it’s due so he can’t book anything until it’s approved but other people in his team would have loads of holidays. I felt like our family time was being disrespected and was less important than work time. He’s better now, I’m not sure what changed, but I could never find the words to make him understand.

@ExperiencedTeacher thank you. But how did you find a way through the feeling of your family time being disrespected? I honestly can feel something shifting inside of me, knowing he’ll behave like this when I was dependent on him, because my time wasn’t mine, It was consumed with caring for our child

OP posts:

Original poster

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 20/08/2023 08:04

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/08/2023 08:01

I can’t see the issue here - why shouldn’t he have a days leave when he fancies it without asking permission? You can do the same. He takes leave for family days or hosp appts when you ask. I can’t see an issue, it’s not healthy to not have some space and independence.

How can I do the same when while on mat leave my job is to look after our DD? How can I take holidays from caring for a small child? Shall I leave her alone at home and let her fend for herself so I can have a day for myself?
jesus wept, some people have comprehension problems

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NannaKaren · 20/08/2023 08:04

He is a twat. Sounds like more issues here? Do you want to stay with him?
he should be spending time with you both in little holidays/breaks or at least being off work with you for holiday times … you sound like you need time on your own too without little one - have you family / friends / hobbies to help / distract / spend time with ?
Are you looking forward to going back to work? What are childcare arrangements ? … if you are depressed see your gp ?
life is too short - try talking to your DP again - what do you want ?
Hope you get resolution and peace xx

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/08/2023 08:12

This is a no from me.
once you have a family you cant unilaterally do shit.
Equally Ypu cant make him see that.

My dh hates waste so often would eat out of date meats etc we are talking minced beef raw chicken etc. Once we had our DD i told him this shit had to stop. As a married couple it was fine (he poisons homself he gets sick, his problem)
Now if he does that its my problem and our DDs problem. Is £3.50 worth D&V? After a lot of arguing he got it but it was tough.

My advice is make your own plans including just telling him he needs to book X off because you are going away.
i really recommend looking at either a fitness or wellness retreat for 7 days. There are amazing for getting space/clarity.

Dont have any more children with this guy until you resolve this. It is an issue.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/08/2023 08:17

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 20/08/2023 08:04

How can I do the same when while on mat leave my job is to look after our DD? How can I take holidays from caring for a small child? Shall I leave her alone at home and let her fend for herself so I can have a day for myself?
jesus wept, some people have comprehension problems

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Honestly chill out.
I get you dont agree with that poster i dont either necessarily but...
You said you are doing 2 weeks nursery settling in so presumably go back shortly and you have your 2024 leave allowance. Unless you literrally used 2 years leave at the end which was at best naive on your part.

Ava27261 · 20/08/2023 08:30

Oh OP, this sounds very frustrating and I’m hearing that you’re close to burn out / may be there already. I had similar with my DH and went back to a stressful job totally frazzled. It was very hard. I think you’ll need to prioritise your own rest above family time and if that means using your annual leave to rest at home while baby is at nursery or a Saturday a month off as an excellent poster suggested, so be it. Then you’ll feel better able to tackle these issues

Catza · 20/08/2023 10:46

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 20/08/2023 08:04

How can I do the same when while on mat leave my job is to look after our DD? How can I take holidays from caring for a small child? Shall I leave her alone at home and let her fend for herself so I can have a day for myself?
jesus wept, some people have comprehension problems

Show quote history

But you say he is taking a day off to spend time with the family, albeit without notice. So if he tells you in the evening he is off tomorrow you say “great, there is an exhibition I want to see, massage I can book, friend I can call to meet up” or whatever takes your fancy and leave the child with him. I don’t see the problem. And no, it’s not a comprehension issue it’s likely that you are not communicating your problem properly as half of us can’t understand what the problem actually is.

CountessWindyBottom · 20/08/2023 11:53

Are you ok OP? You sound exhausted and burnt out and I’m wondering if there are MH issues at play.

I think the suggestion about taking Saturdays for yourself is a good one. Leave early, book yourself into a spa or even book yourself into a hotel for the night where you can have a bath and order room service and just take some time for yourself. It sounds like you’re overwhelmed by being with your baby all the time and that it me seems like the bigger issue rather than something which could be really sorted quite easily.