DH won’t take time off work

[Arthriticmiddlefinger]

we’ve been together 5 years, married around 3 years and have a 14 month old DD. I’m going back to work in September as had to take extended mat leave due to nursery space availability.

Thing is, DH took 3 weeks paternity leave, then took a week annual leave back in April for a trip, and that’s almost it. He’s taken a (very) few odd days out completely out of the blue and that could be because he just fancies a day off or because he wants to do something with us. Doesn’t discuss with me, so we could make plans or maybe I need to do something and would be best he’d take a different day and he takes DD. He just lets me know. This is incredibly frustrating.

We’ve talked about this a number of times but he either deflects/accuses me of not understanding his position/turns it around on me/etc, or has said things that give me hope he sees my perspective, but then nothing changes, or changes temporarily and then back he reverts.

He’s a very hands on, loving dad and partner otherwise.

I just feel treated like a mug, like he just says things to get me off his back and is not interested in changing/improving our relationship and how we communicate. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I'm a bit confused by the "share sick days" do you mean take time off if child is sick?

Presumably. Having to cover days when the child is off sick from nursery is a considerable burden on many working parents, especially the first winter or two of childcare.

I'm not sure I've understood all of this correctly but has your DH been booking holidays with mates but refusing to organise anything with you and your DC as a family? Can you try being more direct with him eg. When are we are going on holiday. Shall we book X week in May. I need some time to myself to get ready for return to work can you book two days off work next week. If he's booking holidays with mates and not thinking about you , yes this is selfish and not on. However, sorry, your communication style is a bit confusing so it's possible he's not getting the right message from you. I think you should try being more direct, and if that doesn't work you've got some thinking to do.

@ pandaJane

I can't believe how succinctly you've put my experience. I didn't see it until it was too late.
Now , I have a retired man child, who believes the world revolves around his needs.
And it's my fault....I didn't stop it.

Op, don't let this happen to you.

Are u trying to stir trouble? Please leave this thread.

this situation, as minor as it seems, actually has me questioning the relationship. I can’t believe it, it sounds ridiculous

It's not ridiculous. He is telling you, through his behaviour, that you don't really matter to him except as an afterthought. He deflects things and turns things around on you. So he's not listening to you, he's dismissing your concerns rather than addressing them.

He will not change unless he somehow sees that this is not a healthy way to conduct a relationship with one's spouse. What sort of a future does he see with you? More importantly, what sort of a future do you see with him?

Obviously don't feel you need to answer this question here, but if you're still being intimate with him, then he's getting his needs met, thinks all is fine and is happy to go off on his jollies with his mates.

He isn't taking your distress seriously. Do you really want to spend decades like this?

First things first. You need some time out to prep for returning to work. Let's say 2 days. Ask dh today which 2 days he can take in the next 2 weeks to facilitate that.

The holiday planning element though isn't uncommon. Even the best husbands and fathers can be just plain stupid when it comes to planning family time. You will need to find a way to gain commitment from him, which is either he comes with you, you and dd go without him, or you go without both of them now and again.

If it can't be resolved to be more partnership like, then this will cause havoc down the line.

I'm 17yrs in, and this is the one thing I have to do every year with him as he just doesn't think about it otherwise.

It doesn't have to be a deal breaker,but you can be more assertive that it will be if he doesn't step up in his family life.

Oh do fuck off, Troll.

In the longer term, annual leave may need to be carefully budgeted, if you need to cover school holidays. (You could just stick your child in holiday clubs for the entire time, assuming you can find enough, but it's expensive and probably not best for them.) Many couples end up taking one week together for the family holiday, and then other weeks separately to cover as many weeks of the school holidays as possible, and there may be little left over for "me-time".

For the moment, you should be able to leave some of his holiday for him to use flexibly, but it's not unreasonable to try and book in some for "family". Perhaps suggest you each book in time for Christmas, summer holiday and a couple of long weekends to bridge the gaps between those - even if those are home-based/day trips. You may need to book the time in advance, even if he doesn't. Everyone needs some downtime, and it can also give you something to look forward to. He should have some left over to use flexibly.

I'd start the baby in nursery a bit early for around 2 days a week for a good few weeks. That way you get some time to yourself to recharge and do whatever you want before going back to work. It's has the advantage at making settling in easier. Also baby will catch the inevitable bugs before you're back at work so easier to manage.

Make sure husband pays for the nursery and then spilt it when you're getting a wage again. You deserve this break.

I don’t understand what your issue is so no wonder your DH doesn’t. You equally need to improve how you communicate what you want and what the issue is if you want your DH to respond, what you are saying if not very clear and if this is how you have approached it with DH I can see why he hasn’t done what you wanted, probably as confused as all us readers

Thanks everyone for your replies (not the one who implied mat leave is some sort of holiday. You’re definitely wrong)

sorry for the confusion. I’ll try to clarify:

his paternity leave was not part of his annual leave entitlement.

DH WFH mostly (against my wishes, really), very flexible job but does have lots of responsibilities, client contact, etc. He says he can’t plan his leave ‘far in advance’. He will take the odd day off without any notice and it aggravates me because he never tells me in advance. We could plan to do something nice/day trip/or I could take a day for myself and meet up with friends/whatever, if he communicated with me. As it is, I just get sprung on me in the evening that tomorrow he is off, and then it gets difficult to plan.

he doesn’t take these days off for himself, he wants to spend with us. As it is without warning, it almost always ends up being another day of drudgery wake up/feed/play/nap but just less full on.

the wfh is another problem. We live in a small flat and DD’s soon to be bedroom is used as the office. Children are loud. I end up not playing music or feeling anxious when she‘s being loud, because it will bother him/ He’ll come out if she’s crying to ‘support’. Or I need to go into her bedroom, and he’s in meetings (doesn’t tell me what time they are so I can pre plan). So many times I’ve asked him to go somewhere else/the office, he goes for a little while, then won’t anymore. He wants to be available to ‘help’ with DD (and he does get involved in the day to day with her - part of the job flexibility) but I don’t need him here all the time. I’ve also suggested he goes to the café on the corner (so he can still run home should random disaster strike!!) to no avail. I’m capable of caring for her on a day to day. What I need is to be able to take some time for us as a family and as person, not for him to come tend to us if she starts crying because she’s teething or frustrated with a toy!!

because of all this work flexibility and being available during the working day (which I don’t need nor want and have communicated this in many different ways, some harsher than others), he tells me he can’t take holidays and plan something with us (holidays/day trips/ time when we can share childcare/take turns and both rest a bit). This is part of the reason why I’ve said to him that going somewhere else to work would be best - so he can focus.

I’ve tried to address different anxieties he tells me feels, around taking time off or going on holiday:
anxiety about flying with DD? We can do something in UK and drive.
Worried about money? Don’t have to travel, can have some nice days out/take food with us/choose cheaper activities.
Busy period at work? Tried to combine a holiday with a work trip he had. Or just have a long weekend when it’s less busy at work.

I’ve tried talking and taking different angles - what would benefit him specifically/all of us/me specifically/his relationship with DD/our relationship.

I’ve tried telling him I’m just going to live my life and do things with DD by myself and it’s his loss.

Nothing worked.

He then asks me to come along to this destination event, which is after I go back to work. And would require me taking holidays from work (at least a week and a half, given the location), and I say I can’t do that right after coming back from extended mat leave. He says “I’ve know plenty of people to take holidays right after they come back from mat leave. But ok if you don’t want to”.

That’s when I started suspecting that he has got to be taking the piss and felt disrespected at being asked to tag along to some trip with his mates

But he's sabotaged every single attempt she's made to have an actual holiday as a family.

Where has she said that? If I’ve missed it, that’s on me, but miss it I did.

On weekends we end up both sharing care for DD and doing something with her but nothing special either.

I’ve always taken her to all the baby groups/rhyme time/stay and play/soft play that I could.

He has indeed sabotaged it.
I just didn’t put it in those words but that’s exactly it. In the few times he’s said ‘ok let’s plan something”, I spent hours trying to plan things, all according to what might work for him, only for him to backtrack and not take time off.

so after I tried all these different ways of communicating and angles and nothing worked, I started losing my rag, and that’s when the deflection/turning it against me (“I also feel like that” “consideration goes both ways” “I could say that too”) and not even clarifying what he means, all started.

The only thing I haven’t yet said to him is that I don’t see a future for us if we can’t work our way through disagreements/find compromises at this stage, with something that should be so simple, and if being dependent on him showed me a side of him where my wants and needs weren’t taken into account.

Also we don’t have family help - I don’t have family in the UK and his can’t really support us much or help with caring for DD, for practical reasons (they’re all lovely)

This clarifies the issues, thank you.

If this isn’t a communication issue (as it sounds like you’ve told him all this), then no idea what to suggest. He’s being an arse.

Sounds like he does take days off to spend with you. Also sounds like you’re a planner and he’s not. No right or wrong answer there.

I still don’t understand why you can’t take some time for yourself on the weekend, or have some evenings out if he’s working from home.

Holidays pre DD were much easier. Maybe I did more planning than he did but nothing much (eg I’d look at flights and things to do, he’d look at hotels). If anything, he had a much less flexible job before

So I shouldn’t want to spend time all of us together or to be able to find compromise with my partner between our different styles/personalities/ways of doing things, because he takes a tuesday off out of the blue or doesn’t complain if I (rarely, too tired) go for dinner with a couple of friends?

His job is flexible enough. I’ve had to listen to tales of his colleagues’ holidays before. Until I started asking why others can take time off and he can’t. Then he stopped telling me. But not sure if this deliberate

This is my current husband and discovering he had ADHD transformed how I viewed it from his position.

I haven’t asked him to take DD for a day so I can have some breathing space/do something for myself. That is indeed on me although he could have offered, I guess, but I’ll take that one. I think I’ll skip the next trip to see his family with DD. Seems like the right option.

he doesn’t know it’s become a dealbreaker.

To pp who suggested ADHD/neurodiversity - certainly a possibility. I guess it wouldn’t have stopped him from going along when I’ve offered to plan? In any case, not sure he would do something/use strategies to help with it/even seek a diagnosis