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Original poster

No sex = no to proposal

130 replies

Jojococo3 · 15/08/2023 15:21

I’ve been told my partner of 3 years is planning to propose to me.
It’s something we both always wanted, but over time I went off the idea as our relationship dwindled.
We have a young baby and prior to that he wouldn’t have sex with me. I miraculously conceived after a one off where we hadn’t had sex for 3 months prior or ever since (a year ago).
Ive emotionally checked out of the relationship because every possibility of sex that doesn’t happen leaves me in floods of tears. Every mention whether on tv or friends talking, makes me upset knowing my own partner doesn’t see me sexually anymore.
He claims he wants to but he never initiates and if I do he seems annoyed so I stopped bothering.
He isn’t cheating, I know he has a low libido but it doesn’t bother him and my reaction doesn’t make a difference.
I love him and we are happy in every other area but when it comes to sex, I’m broken.
He still wants to hug, kiss, hold hands etc, just anything sexual is off the cards. I’ve tried talking to him and encouraging him to see a doctor or therapist but it falls on deaf ears. It isn’t related to my pregnancy or birth as it began before that.
I don’t want to split up our family but I know I’ll never be happy while this is an issue. I don’t know if I’d even want sex if he attempted now as it feels so awkward. We go to bed at different times and pass each other like ships in the night.
It’s like a slap in the face as I (unfortunately) know he had a very active sex life with his ex and our first months of dating were amazing sex wise, until it became very boring a year later.
Im scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us. Deep down I wouldn’t say yes but I don’t have the heart to hurt him publicly.
If I told him I’d only marry him on the condition our sex life is repaired I’d feel like a controlling bully. There’s also the chance it would change briefly but go back to how it is. I don’t want a life like this where I have to beg my partner to want sex with me or spend the next X decades wishing I was with a man who found me sexually attractive. I’d love to be his wife, but knowing we’d never have that physical intimate relationship with it would ruin my confidence more than it has so far. It would be a no wedding night/honeymoon sex situation so I’d feel regret at saying yes knowing I put myself in a situation I pre empted.
Do I bring up the conversation now and make it clear I won’t marry him in these circumstances? Do I issue an ultimatum? I want to avoid leaving him so that would be a last resort and if it was a dealbreaker for him too.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 15/08/2023 15:27

I wouldn't marry a man I wasn't totally 100% happy with. You aren't happy. You don't have a functional sex life. This is a dealbreaker for many couples (and absolutely would be for me). As you now know your DP is likely to propose I'd suggest you head this off at the pass by sitting him down and telling him you are unhappy in the relationship. It is very reasonable to ask him to deal with the issue of his libido. He could see the GP, he could get some medication, he could do counselling.

You need to consider your long term future. If you have no sex life are you expecting additional children? If you don't confront your DP and make it clear with him that he needs to actively work to resolve this how do you expect to see improvement? Are you willing to be sexless for life?

DinoRoar14 · 15/08/2023 15:28

I would absolutly confront him. And do not sugar coat it.

State you know or believe that he may be thinking of propsing and does he really think you would willingly enter into a life of celibacy?
That you could spend your life with someone who would so blatantly ignore a massive issue that causes you such upset?

Honestly by what you wrote you sound like room mates rather than in love.
.I'd say your relationship is over. But you have to reach that point yourself.
But please please do not enter into a massive legal contract with someone you can't be with.

YoSof · 15/08/2023 15:28

You cannot marry, or even stay with this man, if he doesn’t address the issue.

You are clearly deeply unhappy, he must know that.

You need to lay your cards on the table now, and let him know the relationship cannot survive like this. It doesn’t matter how great he is at all the other stuff when a massive part of your relationship is missing, one that is important to you. He can’t keep brushing this under the carpet.

Naunet · 15/08/2023 15:30

Im scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us

No OP, women don’t owe it to men to marry them in order to save them embarrassment, don’t be daft. You simply tell him you aren’t willing to commit to a life of celibacy. In the meantime you need to figure out if it’s worth staying with him or not.

category12 · 15/08/2023 15:31

How do you know he had a good sex life with his ex? 🤔Where's this information come from? (If it is from him, I would be suspicious of it).

Honestly, I would consider ending the relationship rather than carrying on, and you definitely must not say yes if he proposes.

Perhaps as an intermediary step would be to tell him how crass and embarrassing public proposals are (even if you don't believe that) to avoid the possibility of being put in the position where you feel under pressure to say yes.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 15/08/2023 15:32

You absolutely do not have to say yes. Pre-empt this. Sit him down now and tell him you are unhappy and questioning the future of your relationship. Tell him honestly how his lack of interest in you makes you feel. This won't go away. This will erode your self esteem until you don't recognise yourself anymore and you deserve better.

StarlightLady · 15/08/2023 15:32

This is really not a situation where you should even contemplate saying yes.

That's my view anyway. I need to be careful as I've been told off elsewhere on MN as stating my view as a fact.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 15:34

Stop wasting your life and end the relationship already. It's already over.

Nemesias · 15/08/2023 15:37

He’s never going to bother seeking help for this why would he? His life is just fine and dandy. if you want a sex life in the future it’s not going to be with him

ItsNotRocketSalad · 15/08/2023 15:38

You know what the answer is.

Whataretheodds · 15/08/2023 15:38

Im scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us.

Why would you have to say yes? Noone else would need to know you'd said no.

Lottapianos · 15/08/2023 15:41

'You absolutely do not have to say yes. Pre-empt this. Sit him down now and tell him you are unhappy and questioning the future of your relationship.'

This. Do not even consider saying 'yes' if it's not what you want. It's really not an option for him to refuse to discuss this situation with you - you have very understandable feelings about the lack of sex in your relationship and he doesn't get to just ignore them. You deserve much better than that

bonzaitree · 15/08/2023 15:41

Tell him straight up you need to work on your relationship. You aren’t happy and marriage isn’t on the cards right now. At least then you won’t have the proposal and have to say no.

Do you want to continue the relationship? If yes maybe counselling would help.

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 15:48

Only together 3 years

he never hid this side to you. In the early days pre pregnancy - did you not ever think “nah this guy isn’t for me”?

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 15:49

Why did you “miraculously” fall pregnant

when you had sex that once - were you using contraception?

Symphony830 · 15/08/2023 15:50

I can only really speak from my own experience here OP….

I lose interest in sex after about a year. I’m unsure why … I think a lot of it is familiarity. What I do know is that it isn’t much to do with the other person: it’s just the way that I am. The pattern has repeated itself several times in my life.

Currently, I am in a celibate relationship with my partner - it was actually six months ago I lost interest. I feel very uncomfortable when he brings up sex or we retire to bed. I know that my own relationship must end as I will not change - and I do not want to; but I can see that it isn’t fair on him and must impact his self esteem.

I’ve decided now that moving forward I’m going to be brutally honest in relationships and just admit that what I’m seeking is some sort of companionship.

Obviously, you are not me and have a child together, so may want to explore other avenues.

I’d have that conversation with him. Not having the conversation now is only pushing it into the future. He’d probably be relieved if anything as I’m guessing he must also feel uncomfortable too.

Original poster
Jojococo3 · 15/08/2023 15:57

I’ve told him numerous times how the lack of sex makes me feel, he knows I’m not happy about it. It makes me feel like a sex pest or addict so I never bring up the subject anymore, maybe he thinks I’m happy as it is these days. He tells me how happy he is and how much he loves me, he’s still very much in the mindset we’re in a good place and have no reason to split.
Obviously we’re preoccupied with a baby now, but knowing he still won’t touch me is soul destroying. It’s unlikely to come back after so long.
Id feel like I needed to say yes as everyone sees us as a happy couple, to then tell family and friends I won’t marry him because he won’t have sex with me would be extremely awkward. We have family who are intrusive and would assume I’ve done something wrong rather than leave us to it privately. Telling them we have issues or incompatibilities wouldn’t be enough, there’s a lot of pressure on me these days so I always feel I’m having to defend myself to them. So even if I stupidly said yes I’d never go through with it and I’d have to call it off.
I wouldn’t want to meet anyone else for a decent sex life, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I can’t have the full package with him I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life. I have no interest in sex with others.
His ex made sure I knew every detail, he’s always been quite prudish when it comes to talking about sex so it didn’t come from him.
That’s an interesting angle Symphony830, perhaps he feels this way but isn't being honest.

Appreciate all the responses.

OP posts:
Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 15:58

I’ve told him numerous times how the lack of sex makes me feel, he knows I’m not happy about it

before you fell pregnant?

Redannie118 · 15/08/2023 15:58

I wish someone had this conversation with me before I married my ex DH with no sex drive. To put it brutally OP he doesnt care you are unhappy. He has no interest in meeting your needs, because his are being met and he is happy. Putting the sex aside( because it muddies the water) why would you want to commit your life to a man who is happy to use you for his own ends, but cares nothing about your own happiness? You need to leave OP, and quickly.

MimiSunshine · 15/08/2023 15:59

You don’t have to wait for him to propose or say yes when / if he does.

you also don’t have to tell him that you’ve been told he’s planning to.

just initiate a conversation with him this week and ask what his thoughts are about the long term relationship.
because yours are that while you love him and don’t want to split up. You are unhappy with this situation, it makes you cry and you can’t see how you can stay like this forever or how the relationship could result in marriage as you’d be unhappy.

then ask him what his thoughts are, plans? If he’s fundamentally happy as is then you want different things.

IHateLegDay · 15/08/2023 16:02

There's only one question you need to ask yourself and that's:
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

If the answer is no, walk away.

I've been where you are and it was soul destroying. I met someone new who is perfect in every way and we've now been together for 8 years and our sex life is still great.
Do not settle.

category12 · 15/08/2023 16:06

Jojococo3 · 15/08/2023 15:57

I’ve told him numerous times how the lack of sex makes me feel, he knows I’m not happy about it. It makes me feel like a sex pest or addict so I never bring up the subject anymore, maybe he thinks I’m happy as it is these days. He tells me how happy he is and how much he loves me, he’s still very much in the mindset we’re in a good place and have no reason to split.
Obviously we’re preoccupied with a baby now, but knowing he still won’t touch me is soul destroying. It’s unlikely to come back after so long.
Id feel like I needed to say yes as everyone sees us as a happy couple, to then tell family and friends I won’t marry him because he won’t have sex with me would be extremely awkward. We have family who are intrusive and would assume I’ve done something wrong rather than leave us to it privately. Telling them we have issues or incompatibilities wouldn’t be enough, there’s a lot of pressure on me these days so I always feel I’m having to defend myself to them. So even if I stupidly said yes I’d never go through with it and I’d have to call it off.
I wouldn’t want to meet anyone else for a decent sex life, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I can’t have the full package with him I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life. I have no interest in sex with others.
His ex made sure I knew every detail, he’s always been quite prudish when it comes to talking about sex so it didn’t come from him.
That’s an interesting angle Symphony830, perhaps he feels this way but isn't being honest.

Appreciate all the responses.

Seems like you need to stop letting these people dominate you. It's OK to have boundaries with family and if they are negative and critical voices towards you, it might be worth considering about how you can step back from them and build up good boundaries with them?

It seems like he's conveniently ignoring your distress and dissatisfaction as well.

Maybe you're a people-pleaser?

You can't live your life to suit other people.
It also doesn't matter if other people think something is your fault when it isn't, they're not walking in your shoes.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 16:08

Definitely speak now. You are young and you aren’t living in a sexless relationship.

JRHartley72 · 15/08/2023 16:11

Does he have a porn habit?

Fallingthroughclouds · 15/08/2023 16:13

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 15/08/2023 15:32

You absolutely do not have to say yes. Pre-empt this. Sit him down now and tell him you are unhappy and questioning the future of your relationship. Tell him honestly how his lack of interest in you makes you feel. This won't go away. This will erode your self esteem until you don't recognise yourself anymore and you deserve better.

Exactly, sit him down and explain how you are feeling. You love him and of course you don't want to embarrass him. This is the only way to do it.