No sex = no to proposal

[Jojococo3]

I’ve been told my partner of 3 years is planning to propose to me.
It’s something we both always wanted, but over time I went off the idea as our relationship dwindled.
We have a young baby and prior to that he wouldn’t have sex with me. I miraculously conceived after a one off where we hadn’t had sex for 3 months prior or ever since (a year ago).
Ive emotionally checked out of the relationship because every possibility of sex that doesn’t happen leaves me in floods of tears. Every mention whether on tv or friends talking, makes me upset knowing my own partner doesn’t see me sexually anymore.
He claims he wants to but he never initiates and if I do he seems annoyed so I stopped bothering.
He isn’t cheating, I know he has a low libido but it doesn’t bother him and my reaction doesn’t make a difference.
I love him and we are happy in every other area but when it comes to sex, I’m broken.
He still wants to hug, kiss, hold hands etc, just anything sexual is off the cards. I’ve tried talking to him and encouraging him to see a doctor or therapist but it falls on deaf ears. It isn’t related to my pregnancy or birth as it began before that.
I don’t want to split up our family but I know I’ll never be happy while this is an issue. I don’t know if I’d even want sex if he attempted now as it feels so awkward. We go to bed at different times and pass each other like ships in the night.
It’s like a slap in the face as I (unfortunately) know he had a very active sex life with his ex and our first months of dating were amazing sex wise, until it became very boring a year later.
Im scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us. Deep down I wouldn’t say yes but I don’t have the heart to hurt him publicly.
If I told him I’d only marry him on the condition our sex life is repaired I’d feel like a controlling bully. There’s also the chance it would change briefly but go back to how it is. I don’t want a life like this where I have to beg my partner to want sex with me or spend the next X decades wishing I was with a man who found me sexually attractive. I’d love to be his wife, but knowing we’d never have that physical intimate relationship with it would ruin my confidence more than it has so far. It would be a no wedding night/honeymoon sex situation so I’d feel regret at saying yes knowing I put myself in a situation I pre empted.
Do I bring up the conversation now and make it clear I won’t marry him in these circumstances? Do I issue an ultimatum? I want to avoid leaving him so that would be a last resort and if it was a dealbreaker for him too.

I'm wondering that, too. How did it ever get to this point?

If a man was in tears and feeling desperately hurt that the woman he adored refused to have any kind of physical relationship with him, and the woman would also not even discuss the problem with him or admit there was anything wrong and was not prepared to seek any kind of help or therapy or investigate the problem, and was expecting him to agree to live for the rest of his life in a sexless marriage, I would feel every bit as sorry for him as I feel sorry for the OP.

I don’t know where you got that from. OP said: our first months of dating were amazing sex wise

I think you were BU to have a baby with a man you were unhappy with.

Don’t make that mistake twice and end up marrying him.

I wouldn’t absolutely have the conversation today about how much it’s bothering you and how you are struggling to see a future together. Tell him you hoped to marry him one day but that is not going to happen until this issue is sorted.

Lots of people (usually women) have low sex drives and that’s ok but what isn’t ok is not trying to make an effort for your partner.

Of course you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do but I think it’s important that you give your partner sex, as that is part of a relationship.
If you don’t want to have sex that’s fine, but you can expect your partner to stay in a relationship with you.

I think you need to be direct and say that you can't say yes to getting married at the minute as you aren't happy in the relationship. Don't let him do a whole thing and public proposal when you don't want to say yes

I ignored my instincts and married someone who had totally lost interest in me physically.

no interest on wedding night. Got turned down throughout our honeymoon.

started seeing a sex therapist - he took an interest in me after she said we were on a sex ban. Conceived DD and he lost interest again.

Miserable, unconnected, soulless sex about 3 times a year on the very rare occasion he was in the mood.

He had a porn addiction but no interest in me.

I sleepwalked into a sexless and eventually loveless, emotionally abusive marriage.

I can’t begin to explain how being made to feel undesirable took its toll on my mental health. I was a shell of myself in the end.

Obviously every story is different - there was a lot wrong in that marriage, but this was the rot that started it.

if you are to agree to commit to this man, he needs to prove he’s committed to sorting this out

Don't do it. They won't change. Take it from someone who knows. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night because they were "too tired" and looking back I think they've only ever had sex with me while at least a bit drunk. Depressing as hell.

I would say that you'd benefit from therapy, but in fact unless you have a really good therapist you are just going to end up thinking you have to go on having therapy even though you hate it because you don't want to let the therapist down.

Please stop looking for what other people want you to say and look for your own authentic feelings. You don't have to stay, you don't have to leave. You do have to work out what you want and why.

Why? Can’t we just focus on OP rather than hypothetical men?

As for explaining yourself to others, “it’s not working for me” is a complete explanation, and “it would s personal and I do not wish to discuss it further” is all that needs to follow it. Friends and family can marry him instead if he’s so great.

Thank you for posting this OP, I know this sounds like a weird reply, let me explain.

I am just out of a near 35 year marriage, a marriage that was one of companionship and three beautiful children but sexual difficulties from the start, which my partner hid well, and I adored him so believe the excuses given. Three pregnancies were almost miraculous TBH.

With hindsight I think he used me to provide his babies, once we had them he showed no interest in sex, in fact I would say that he was on the point of being repulsed by the idea.

I hadn’t had sex for nearly a decade when I called time on the marriage. My self esteem shot to pieces, not just no sex but that had now grown to no physical affection, in fact he just couldn’t bring himself to touch me at all, even holding hands was forced.

The reason I want to thank you is because this has been the most difficult 2 years of my life, so much so that just today I was wondering what the hell I have done. I am just a few years away from retirement and I will be borderline penniless. Your post has reminded me why I ended the relationship, why I am going through a difficult divorce, why I can’t wait to just be on my own.

So no, please don’t marry this man he doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve so much more. Getting out of a marriage is so hard, much harder than walking away from the relationship that you have. What your families think is neither here nor there. Your family should be supportive of you, whatever the reason.

If I was your Mum I would never want you to stay in the sort of relationship that I have had.

You have talked to him several times about this issue but he still doesn’t care enough to take you seriously and he blatantly ignores your unhappiness. If he is planning to propose publicly, then it seems he could be using the fact that you won’t say no even though he knows you wouldn’t go through with it. That would be cruel of him. He would be doing it to shame you into accepting. It’s a form of coercion.
My advice would be to get rid of that worry right now and make sure you spell out very clearly that he must not plan any form of proposal as any plan to coerce you publicly would not work. You would say no.

OP, only you know what you can put up with in your relationship. It’s worrying that feel you would still stay with him and simply have to put up with living a very lonely life.
You really don’t have to do that.
There is no shame at all in leaving or asking him to leave. You don’t have to explain yourself to your family and friends if you don’t want to. You just say that your reasons are private but the relationship didn’t work out, as you just weren’t compatible.

It doesn’t feel like it right now I’m sure, but you really can (should) start a new life for yourself where this problem of daily rejection no longer exists for you.

You can’t continue to live like this. Give yourself a chance at happiness.

OP, if you marry him, this will be your sex life. Forever or until you get divorced.

The public proposal is manipulative, not romantic.

Would you ask the same question of a woman with no/low sex drive?
You know some people just don't want to have sex.

OP don't marry him. Long term it will be an unhappy marriage for you both. You for not being fulfilled and him for being unable or unwilling to provide what you want/need.

Lots of very definitive advice, but none seems to be examining the big question , which is:

if the sex was ‘amazing’ at first, what has changed? Is it something physical for either or both people? Is it something emotional/ psychological?

I suppose there is a subsidiary question which is ‘ why is it only the OP who is concerned about abandonment of sexual relations between them?

Surely both these questions need answering before anyone -including the oddly detached DP - should start thinking about marriage ( which by the way would not be valid if unconsummated).

I imagine it would be much the same unless the issue is - as it is frequently on MN threads - that of a man pestering, sulking, groping without consent and generally pressuring his partner for sex.

Were those issues not involved, the answer whatever the sex of the abstemious party would likely reach a similar consensus to the replies on this thread. No one is questioning whether this man has the right of refusal. The options are to explore these issues together to find out if they're fixable, or to end the relationship.

Both partners are free to make their choices within these parameters, none of which involve coercion or abuse of another person.

A sexless relationship will only work if you’re both happy with it. You aren’t so it’s best to walk away now.

Do you think the replies would be different? 🤔

Fat chance. The response 'But what about the men?' always, always makes an appearance on threads in which women are reporting relationship difficulties. Never fails to bob up amongst about the first twenty messages.

You can set your watch by them. Predicable.

Leave him. It doesn't matter why he does not want sex. He does not, and that's unfixable, and it will make you feel worse and worse as time goes on. He can't manufacture desire with counselling, and if he cared at all about your relationship, he would have been down the GP already.

Deal breaker for me. I couldn’t marry a man who I felt didn’t want to be intimate with me. Speak to him before he proposes and end it

I was in a relationship where I no longer had feelings for my partner sexually. I loved them but I did not fancy them. It was ok ish at the beginning but that feeling just went away and I couldn't get it back. I cannot begin to tell you the guilt that I felt and I am ashamed to say that I had sex just to make him happy on occasion because it used to upset him so much that I didn't want him sexually. I loved him, we were great friends but even the thoughts of sex with him used to make me clam up and I couldn't bear to be touched because I was afraid that would give him the green light. There is NOTHING to do to fix this. I was not punishing him, withholding, controlling or trying to make him unhappy. I also HATED talking about it or discussing it because it always end up in a row because I couldn't scream I JUST DON'T FANCY YOU at him because I didn't want to hurt him. I ran out of headaches and thrush and heavy periods and excuses. When a sex scene came on the tv I would literally cringe and feel so ashamed that I could not give him that. Nobody ever sees it from the other side, nobody WANTS to live like this, everyone wants to fancy their partner but if you don't you don't and it can become such a huge problem on both sides and is the constant big fat sexless elephant in the room. I couldn't bear his face when I said no and I couldn't bear his face when I gave in. I resented him for asking and hated myself for refusing when it was a valid request in a relationship. There is NOTHING in the world as bad as engaging in sex you don't want and I'd imagine it doesn't feel good for the other person either even though they are having sex with you knowing you are not all in. It's absolute HELL. On both sides. If the feeling isn't there it is NOBODY's fault, not the person who cannot give not the person who wants to receive.
We split up and both went on to find love with other people, me with a man I really fancied the pants off and then I realised I wasn't broken or dead from the waist down and him with a lovely girl who adores him. There was nothing wrong with either of us but if attraction is not there, both of you are in for a lifetime of misery and charades, life is too short for that.

What a head f-uck OP, one that is really really hurting your self esteem. Please run to the hills, leave this toxic person, find a man who will love you, have sex with you and make yourself happy. Life is short, stop wasting it with a man that makes you unhappy.

Nobody "needs" sex, it isn't an essential like air.

About him having no interest in meeting her needs.. do you think he should be pushing himself to have sex that he doesn't want?

If a bloke was on here moaning that his girlfriend wasn't putting out would you suggest she's selfish and LTB material or would you, and many others, have a go at him.

We know the answer to that one.

He has no interest in sex. That's nothing to do with not caring about her needs

He sounds like a perfectly nice partner in all other senses.

What do you mean by "why would you want to commit your life to a man who is happy to use you for his own ends"

You've gone from making him sound like a prude to sounding like a pervert.

How exactly is he using her? Using her for what?

There's so much wrong with this post I'm just 😵‍💫

I can't fathom splitting up a family and having your child grow up in a broken home over sex.

They are intimate in other ways. They kiss, cuddle etc.

A man would be advised to see to himself...