No sex = no to proposal

[Jojococo3]

I’ve been told my partner of 3 years is planning to propose to me.
It’s something we both always wanted, but over time I went off the idea as our relationship dwindled.
We have a young baby and prior to that he wouldn’t have sex with me. I miraculously conceived after a one off where we hadn’t had sex for 3 months prior or ever since (a year ago).
Ive emotionally checked out of the relationship because every possibility of sex that doesn’t happen leaves me in floods of tears. Every mention whether on tv or friends talking, makes me upset knowing my own partner doesn’t see me sexually anymore.
He claims he wants to but he never initiates and if I do he seems annoyed so I stopped bothering.
He isn’t cheating, I know he has a low libido but it doesn’t bother him and my reaction doesn’t make a difference.
I love him and we are happy in every other area but when it comes to sex, I’m broken.
He still wants to hug, kiss, hold hands etc, just anything sexual is off the cards. I’ve tried talking to him and encouraging him to see a doctor or therapist but it falls on deaf ears. It isn’t related to my pregnancy or birth as it began before that.
I don’t want to split up our family but I know I’ll never be happy while this is an issue. I don’t know if I’d even want sex if he attempted now as it feels so awkward. We go to bed at different times and pass each other like ships in the night.
It’s like a slap in the face as I (unfortunately) know he had a very active sex life with his ex and our first months of dating were amazing sex wise, until it became very boring a year later.
Im scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us. Deep down I wouldn’t say yes but I don’t have the heart to hurt him publicly.
If I told him I’d only marry him on the condition our sex life is repaired I’d feel like a controlling bully. There’s also the chance it would change briefly but go back to how it is. I don’t want a life like this where I have to beg my partner to want sex with me or spend the next X decades wishing I was with a man who found me sexually attractive. I’d love to be his wife, but knowing we’d never have that physical intimate relationship with it would ruin my confidence more than it has so far. It would be a no wedding night/honeymoon sex situation so I’d feel regret at saying yes knowing I put myself in a situation I pre empted.
Do I bring up the conversation now and make it clear I won’t marry him in these circumstances? Do I issue an ultimatum? I want to avoid leaving him so that would be a last resort and if it was a dealbreaker for him too.

OP, OP, for heaven's sake, leave this man. As soon as you can.
If he's such a reasonable guy in most ways, you'll be able to co-parent with him very effectively.
But don't let him steal your life, your youth, your pleasure like this.

Staying together in a sham marriage might seem like the solution but it's highly unlikely to work.
My post isn't in logical order, sorry.
That ex - she's lying through her teeth. She's telling you sex was always amazing with him because, like you, she doesn't want to be thought of as unwanted.
Sex was great for you at first - till he got you hooked.
Whatever his problem is, if it's low libido, closeted gay, porn addict, general wanker, power addict, limp dick, makes no difference. He's not giving you what you need and want.
You could go to counselling. He could get help for his issues. But do you want a man you have to blackmail ('Shag me or its over') or persuade ('I love you, sex used to be great') into sex? FFS, no. Don't do that to yourself.
He doesn't care about you. He doesn't want you to have the healthy sex life normal and reasonable people are entitled to. He wants to close down your life, in your childbearing years.
Put aside 'what people might think'. Tell them 'It wasn't working, I don't want to talk about it.' Put the actual problem in the divorce papers (as I did with the description of my then husband trying to kill me, after his family tried to tell everyone it wasn't true). You don't have to talk about it.
Free yourself of this man. It's a silent abuse that will destroy your life, and you deserve better.

Exactly, read a few, they always say the same, that it’s unreasonable for anyone to live in a sexless relationship when one party doesn’t want to. Advice is no different whether it’s male or female

This is not a healthy relationship in any way. You sound horribly codependent, and that will only worsen as your self-esteem collapses further.

I cannot fathom why you had unprotected sex and then continued the pregnancy with a man you already had a dysfunctional relationship with. Terrible decision-making and incredibly irresponsible of both of you.

You can continue to love this man as your friend and co-parent. You do not have to marry him, live with him, or have tepid coercive sex with him.

How old are you? Do you not want anymore children? You really should of left before the baby. You can leave why are you waiting for him to propose.

I don't have a high sex drive but it's only on MN that it's OK to date without sex. At a minium I would like sex once a month. It's a big part of a relationship other wise you are simply friends OP.

So you've been together 3 years of which nearly half of that relationship you've only had sex once? Absolutely you deserve better. He may have a low sex drive and that's fine. But you don't have to put up with it. You deserve happiness.

I wouldn’t want to meet anyone else for a decent sex life, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I can’t have the full package with him I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life. I have no interest in sex with others.

You feel like this now but you're not dead yet @Jojococo3 . Eventually you'd probably find someone else you love. Or being single is fine- I don't have a partner who makes me feel rejected. x

Are you absolutely sure he's not gay?

I think there's 2 issues:

The proposal - cut that one off immediately first "Dave, I've overheard something I shouldn't have and if you are thinking of proposing, I will say no, even if publically, until we fix the issues in our relationship". Don't allow the manipulation there.

Your sex life - I would straight up tell him you love him but you refuse to sweep this under the carpet any longer. Tell him you guys have some chance of rescuing the relationship if he's honest about what's really going on. There's a whole host of potential reasons- lack of attraction, lack of libido, a sexual, gay, previous sexual abuse, etc. Unfortunately it's probably not one you can resolve but at least if you knew the cause you could make an informed decision or work on it. Without him being honest, I think it may be the end.

I'm confused by your post because it almost reads as if you'll stay with him in a sexless relationship provided you're not married. I mean that's what you're doing isn't it?
Or is it more a case of now you've got wind of this imminent proposal it brought a reality check? We're you just coasting thinking you would tackle things 'soon' or 'later' but now you're being forced to make a decision.
The answer is very simple. If you don't want to marry him don't stay with him. Simple but not easy but you need to do it. The time is now!

Why does everyone assume that this issue can be fixed by going to the GP? It astonishes me how many people believe that GPS can wave a magic wand in all situations. Depression, relationship issues , etc. Not everything can be solved with drugs. That’s if you can see the GP in the first place .The issue for the OP is complicated. The reasons these things go wrong are complicated, and psychological issues are as much at play as physical ones . What is a GP supposed to do exactly? If it’s not low testosterone, not much.

I think Psychotherapy could help a lot more than a doctor.

OP, leave him is my advice. It won’t get better.

Ok what is your exact-ish sex timeline?

it was great for 6 months? 12 months?
3 months of no sex
then you have sex once and get pregnant
no sex for the 9months of pregnancy
no sex since the birth?

can you think of anything happening around the time sex stopped?
death in the family?
Pregnancy scare or talk of babies and/or future planning?
ex coming back in the picture or something happening with the ex like her getting a new partner?
porn addiction of some kind?
has sexual kinks or fetishes you won’t participate? This could be why he’s ‘prudish’ because he has shame around some or all?
there’s also the Madonna/whore complex. Men will do a lot with girlfriends they’d never do with women they’d consider wife material or the mother of their children so that has the potential to be at play here.

the reason I ask is because you clearly need an answer.

in short I don’t think you are the problem. He has the issue.

you wont fix it with him you’ve already checked out of the relationship and the best thing you can do for yourself is leave and get some support for yourself either via therapy or other routes to build up your confidence again as it’s obviously plummeted due to this.

@Pancakebatter

Why does everyone assume that this issue can be fixed by going to the GP?

”everyone”

take it you didn’t bother to read the responses

It's far, far crueller to give a yes to a proposal you have no intention of honouring, than to be honest about the fact that this relationship doesn't work and isn't working. That you would say yes to a sham proposal because of what your family might think kind of shows that you personally shouldn't be marrying anyone, tbh.

He has issues with sex, clearly, but you have facilitated them by not being honest about your own feelings and needs.

This a million times!!

I was in a very similar situation. Turns out after years of this he was interested in sex afterall. He was addicted to internet porn. Maybe look at his phone its way more common than you would think. Im single now and much happier without the constant rejection. Hope it all works out in the best way for you x

I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him

No you don’t. He’s not bothered about your feelings is he? Obviously no one should have sex if they don’t want to, but I’d say a drs check is worth while for someone with no interest at all. If he doesn’t wanna do even that for you why should you marry him?
Ultimately, he knows you’re not happy with the relationship for whatever reason, and he’s made it clear he won’t even consider changing. So it’s up to you if you put up with that or not.

And you don’t have to tell people the reason but marrying someone because other people think you’re in a happy relationship is so clearly stupid.

You absolutely do not have to marry him to save him embarrassment!!

I married a man because the arsehole asked my father's permission' and then proposed on a family holiday. I remember thinking they are all watching and if I say no it's another week till we go home. It was a massive mistake. Cost a fortune for the wedding then again on a divorce. DONT DO IT IF YOU ARE NOT 100%

If I were you I'd get in first say you heard he's planning to propose and you would like him not to. With the sec life as it is you do not feel the relationship is ready for marriage. Leave it at that and he can either improve things or not and you can rethink in a few months if you want to be with him or not. It's not necessarily get married or split up. But equally if you want to split up now that is fine too

OP, you have described an asexual person to the T. This is textbook behaviour. Men often cannot articulate their asexual nature (a lot of them carry shame about it, which they hide from the world) and instead pretend to be deaf when the woman talks about the lack of sex in the relationship. It's really shitty of them but that's how most of the time men cope with their own feelings of self loathing about their sexuality, whether it is garden variety low libido or asexuality.

My advice would be: Leave if sex is important to you. It's not too late, you are not married, there's no legal issues, so just leave now. Asking for sex from an asexual person is like asking for water from a rock. There's nothing there, to give. And its unfair to blame the rock too, for not having water. Obviously, goes without saying, this is also not fair on you, when sex is a top priority for you (it just is not for those on this spectrum, and that's not a crime, either) and everyone deserves to have what they want the most from a relationship.

I'd recommend not to see this as some kind of personal failure or insult from your husband, and feel shattered or crushed by it. This is NOT on you, this is NOT your mistake and you cannot make it better if you talk to him long enough or loud enough. Asexuality cannot be changed. Your partner has proved that sex is not important to him. Please think of it as a mis step, so many of us choose wrong in the beginning, so this is not a great setback - get out as soon as possible. It's time for you to plan your exit strategy, and go after what you want - a sexually fulfilling life. You have a right to it, and you deserve it. All the best.

OP do not marry him. You appear young and could be stuck with a feeling of rejection for 40+years . I was very interested in sex, my DH not so. I felt rejected and ugly. I ended up overweight and a drinker. Because then it didn't matter. My family forced me into a young marriage. Later I couldn't leave due to my children. Post menopause I don't care anymore and he is a nice guy but I would have chosen a different life.

Never ever be bullied into saying yes. What public embarrassment are you talking about? Isn't that better than being stuck in a lifetime of boredom and misery? You have to be honest with yourself on what you need and then speak to your partner about the future. You have every right to be happy.

You need to end this relationship. It's just not fair on either of you. He has a low sex drive. You don't. Threatening or coercing him isn't right. This is who he is. He's not going to change. He is happy like this. You're not. Leave and find someone you are compatible with.

I'm scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us

This part of your situation sounds like a you problem. Who in the world would say yes to a proposal to a man with whom they aren't happy. This is never going to change. I would tell him straight out that if he is considering proposing to you to save himself the effort. Tell him you won't live the way he expects you to and you are out.

That’s if you can see the GP in the first place

This is the sort of thing they can deal with in an initial phone conversation, prescribe some mental health medication if needed etc, potentially give the bloke an appointment for a blood test.

I think Psychotherapy could help a lot more than a doctor.

A doctor can refer for psychotherapy, plus it's not an either/or, someone could see a therapist and speak to a doctor the same week.

Evidence based treatment is always the best to go for, and the person's GP should be the first port of call for anything that's not an emergency.

And not all therapists are equal either, of course.

If it did turn out there were some physical cause, the person would really be wasting their money to pay for a therapist before seeing their doctor.

Also, a drop in libido can be a sign of other health issues.

“To put it brutally OP he doesnt care you are unhappy. He has no interest in meeting your needs, because his are being met and he is happy. Putting the sex aside( because it muddies the water) why would you want to commit your life to a man who is happy to use you for his own ends, but cares nothing about your own happiness? You need to leave OP, and quickly.”

This with bells on. It’s not enough that he’s very happy. You’re not. And for most couples, sexual intimacy is a key part of their relationship and a defining feature of the couple relationship which distinguishes it from all other relationships you have. I’m pretty sure this is already irretrievable. Please don’t marry him unless and until this issue is properly resolved. And don’t let him trap you through a public proposal.

You cannot marry someone to save him getting embarrassed. Just say that it doesn't work for you when he asks or start the conversation before he asks. No need to explain anything to family. Just say you don't want to marry, end of story.