No sex = no to proposal

[Jojococo3]

I’ve been told my partner of 3 years is planning to propose to me.
It’s something we both always wanted, but over time I went off the idea as our relationship dwindled.
We have a young baby and prior to that he wouldn’t have sex with me. I miraculously conceived after a one off where we hadn’t had sex for 3 months prior or ever since (a year ago).
Ive emotionally checked out of the relationship because every possibility of sex that doesn’t happen leaves me in floods of tears. Every mention whether on tv or friends talking, makes me upset knowing my own partner doesn’t see me sexually anymore.
He claims he wants to but he never initiates and if I do he seems annoyed so I stopped bothering.
He isn’t cheating, I know he has a low libido but it doesn’t bother him and my reaction doesn’t make a difference.
I love him and we are happy in every other area but when it comes to sex, I’m broken.
He still wants to hug, kiss, hold hands etc, just anything sexual is off the cards. I’ve tried talking to him and encouraging him to see a doctor or therapist but it falls on deaf ears. It isn’t related to my pregnancy or birth as it began before that.
I don’t want to split up our family but I know I’ll never be happy while this is an issue. I don’t know if I’d even want sex if he attempted now as it feels so awkward. We go to bed at different times and pass each other like ships in the night.
It’s like a slap in the face as I (unfortunately) know he had a very active sex life with his ex and our first months of dating were amazing sex wise, until it became very boring a year later.
Im scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us. Deep down I wouldn’t say yes but I don’t have the heart to hurt him publicly.
If I told him I’d only marry him on the condition our sex life is repaired I’d feel like a controlling bully. There’s also the chance it would change briefly but go back to how it is. I don’t want a life like this where I have to beg my partner to want sex with me or spend the next X decades wishing I was with a man who found me sexually attractive. I’d love to be his wife, but knowing we’d never have that physical intimate relationship with it would ruin my confidence more than it has so far. It would be a no wedding night/honeymoon sex situation so I’d feel regret at saying yes knowing I put myself in a situation I pre empted.
Do I bring up the conversation now and make it clear I won’t marry him in these circumstances? Do I issue an ultimatum? I want to avoid leaving him so that would be a last resort and if it was a dealbreaker for him too.

Fgs he never ever hid it from the op

from day 1

and yet the op continued to see him

he hasn’t misled her. And so the fact he says he cares and loves her would appear not to be a sham

I’m just curious why the op Carried on seeing him when sex is important to her

I honestly don't think this is fixable. If he is not into it, he is not into it and no about of lamenting that or telling him how it makes you feel or telling him you are not happy is going to suddenly give him a sex drive or want to rip your clothes off. If the feeling is not there or it has gone for him or it has waned then that is it, no magic pill brings it back and if sex it that important to you then you have a decision to make. I certainly would not marry him if I was that unhappy but this isn't a case of ED that can be fixed, he just doesn't want to or have the feelings to want to and you cannot put those feelings there, no matter how hard you try or how hard he tries. It's dead in the water sexually.

Excellent post . I can’t believe you are thinking of marrying a man who makes you very unhappy because it would be embarrassing.

Tell him that you are unhappy.

Stop telling your family your deeply personal information , they don’t need to know about your sex life .

Get some counselling to help you set boundaries. This will help you in your own life and help you with being a mum too.

Firstly, forget about anyone else. Just focus on you and your partner and what your future looks like.

sex is complicated. You can’t make someone want to have sex, and putting more pressure on someone to do it makes them want it less and be more and more fearful of it. The longer you go without it, the more of a big deal it becomes.

i know you’ve spoken about it before but I think you need to find out more about his side of things. You need to know what’s really going on. And he needs to be honest with you. For example:
a. has he stopped finding you attractive but still finds other women attractive/ masturbates/ thinks about sex?
b. does he just have a very low libido and doesn’t fancy sex with anyone/ never thinks about sex
c. is he gay?
d. is he asexual?
E. does he have self confidence issues? /Hate his body?
f. does he have impotence issues?

it could be any of these. I think if it’s a or c then probably the relationship is over. B or d it might well be over if you don’t want a relationship without sex.
E or f are things that you can work on together.

this is why it’s so important to understand so you can work out if there’s a way forward or not. Just telling him how bad it makes you feel will not help him open up or make him suddenly want to have sex with you.

it may be that once you find out the true cause it’s either something to work on, or it’s a case of you want different things in life and it maybe time to find partners that suit you both better.

it seems a shame to walk away when otherwise you are happy and compatible and you do have some physical affection albeit not sexual.

This sounds trite, and I know it's easier said than done - but if you're worried about being tied down by a proposal, then break up with him. Now. You've fallen out of love, neither of you can possibly be happy.

Stop letting him and your family dictate how you should live your life.

What you need is a "new paradigm" - (paradigm means the "ideal version of what you are trying to achieve).

The patriarchy gives us a paradigm of monogamy and the nuclear family with the couple theoretically faithful to one another and the father supporting the children of the marriage, and usually also the mother either as a SAHP or a lower-earner due to the need to flex work around childcare. Women's liberation has made it easier for women to be an equal earner but the patriarchal paradigm hasn't shifted much. You can reject it altogether.

What might work for you is "living together apart" - you don't split up, you share the same house and share your childcare responsibilities, but you live more as houseshare housemates rather than as a couple. You are both free to have romantic relationships but you set ground-rules - including no bringing partners home until it is established that they are more than just a casual fling - you need to have firm ground rules to avoid the kids being subjected to an ongoing stream of "uncle Mike", "uncle John", "uncle Pete" if you have short-term relationships, but no getting too involved with any new partner to the point that you might want to actually commit to that new partner and move in with/marry them, until the youngest child is 18.

(That's different from "living apart together" which is where you are still in a relationship but have two separate households - I don't think that one would work for you)

If it's bad now it will get a lot worse when you get married.

100% This ^
I'm so sorry OP - It already sounds like you have quite low self esteem. Have you considered speaking with a counsellor?
Eventually the feelings of rejection you already have will eventually destroy you if you dont resolve this "elephant in the room"

Do not say Yes under any circumstances.

If you really do love him you need to have a frank and brutal conversation with him.

If he is genuinely happy not having sex - thats fine for him and he's entitled to think like that. But it clearly isnt working for you and his needs do not override yours. You need to explain how it makes you feel - explain that you have perfectly valid needs and if you carry on as you are it will destroy your relationship. (honestly it will).
If he really isn't happy having sex (for whatever reason) then its time to end the relationship.

He shouldn't be forced or persuaded into having sex he doesn't want. But also you shouldn't be expected to become celibate against your wishes.

You have a child. You will need to share the parenting of that child and this should be your main priority.

I think you would be better off parting ways now, rather than going through 2,5,10 or whatever years of resentment and unhappiness (that your child witnesses) and then breaking up, probably in a bitter and damaging break up because you wasted so much of your life with him.

Be grown ups, accept the relationship isn't giving what you need and prioritise maintaining a positive relationship with him so you can parent together.

I can understand that a proposal and its refusal would bring it all out into the open and at the moment that is a scarey thought.

But imagine for a min what it would be like saying yes. Having him publicise that and then having to receive all the congratulations of your friends and relatives, their interested enquiries and best wishes and wanting to know your wedding plans when all the time you personally know that will be a sham. It would be heartbreaking for you. Living a lie so that he's not embarrassed or because some outsiders might make some comments. If you are clear about what YOU want you will feel much more confident in dealing with all of this and you will care much less about people's comments. It might not be pleasant but it is amazing how quickly people get used to changes, Particularly if you are confident and know that you are doing what is right for YOU and your child.

You say you are like flatmates and that you share a young child. I don't know what your circumstances are but you don't have to suddenly depart. This could be negotiated amicably

If he's not willing to get a medical opinion or if in deed its not medical then you need to get him to face what the cause is and be honest about it. It might be something that you could work on together and could be repair the relationship. And also to think about what you want for your and your child's future.

This is the time where you can do some deep thinking and investigation into your options and maybe its a good time to do this now before you really challenge him, so that you have clearly thought out your pathways and alternatives.

After all if he doesn't want or desire you - what does he want? What is his future? He can't be an Ostridge forever

if you have short-term relationships, but no getting too involved with any new partner to the point that you might want to actually commit to that new partner and move in with/marry them, until the youngest child is 18.

All very theoretical.

Most women cannot either have unemotional sex or compartmentalise like this.

It's ok he doesn't want sex. Some people are asexual. It may not be something he desires and you may need to accept this.

However, you are not asexual and so it does not sound like you are a compatible couple. I know you don't want to break up your family but the alternative is being miserable for the rest of your life. I don't think you can make that kind of compromise.

He has issues, "prudish talking about sex" "low sex drive" He needs therapy, maybe couples therapy would work maybe he has low testosterone levels. You say you love him and don't want to be with anyone else so there is something worth fighting for if you are emotionally up for it. The first year of sex was good what changed? Surely can't just be familiarity. Perhaps if you want to issue an ultimatum it should include him seeking hormone level testing. Try not to take it on as a personal slight on you, hard I know, but he is the one with issues.

I spent years in a relationship like this and exactly as PP say, it absolutely destroyed my confidence and self esteem, really took something away from me and I was a completely different person as a result. I did leave him due to this and we had children, it was very sad in many ways.

i would cut your losses and leave. You will never be happy in a relationship like this and it’s better for your child to grow with separated parents rather than in an unhappy relationship, well imo anyway. It’s very hard I feel for you.

You are 100% right not to accept a proposal. This is horrible for you.

I’m in a sexless marriage and it’s fucking miserable if you don’t want that. I am currently trying to decide what to do about my future (I am also trying to figure out my own sexuality because I settled instead of fell head over heels, but that’s another story).
Just to say that unless you have an open marriage (which is something I am considering) or affairs, it won’t resolve itself without you feeling like you have been cheated out of what you should have.
Sex is a part of marriage unless you both agree you don’t want it.

Imagine this was a reverse…. And it was the man complaining

It’s all about HIS happiness isn’t it? He wants to bake in this scenario that makes him happy by marrying you.

He knows you’re not happy with the situation yet does nothing to change it. Perhaps he can’t make himself love sex, but if he loves and respects you he will have an honest conversation about it.

I am afraid I would be very straight talking with him. I would be making plans to amicably coparent apart.

Surely it’s more embarrassing to marry a man you don’t want to because a couple of relatives might ask too many questions.

Also no don’t marry a man who doesn’t want to sleep with you when sex is important to you. Frankly you should stop flogging this dead horse already and leave him.

Stop focusing on the proposal. The proposal is neither here nor there, frankly. You aren’t happy now. If you don’t feel you can marry him without sex, you shouldn’t have to cohabit without sex either.

”I won’t marry you without sex” is the wrong ultimatum and it clearly hasn’t worked because you’re still not having sex and he has still refused to take any steps to resolve the issue. You are desperately unhappy and you need to tell him that you are not prepared to live in a sexless relationship with him and that unless he will agree to seek therapy or medical advice, your relationship is over. His refusal to discuss this or face up to the problem is causing you pain and misery; he is actively hurting you. But because you’ve remained in the relationship he thinks it’s no big deal. He has no incentive to deal with any of this.

I think if I were in your situation, the lack of sex wouldn’t even be the worst thing about all this. It would be refusal to address it or get help, and the dismissal of my feelings. I could probably live without much/any sex life if I had to, but I couldn’t live without knowing why.

His ex made sure I knew every detail

How on Earth did that conversation come about? Has it occurred to you that she was lying about it to hurt you? I’m pretty sure someone who boasts to you about her previous sex life with your boyfriend doesn’t have your interests at heart.

Id feel like I needed to say yes as everyone sees us as a happy couple, to then tell family and friends I won’t marry him because he won’t have sex with me would be extremely awkward. We have family who are intrusive and would assume I’ve done something wrong rather than leave us to it privately

Marrying someone because you fear an awkward situation would be ridiculous, you know you can’t do that! Do yourself a favour and free yourself from caring about others judgements, it’s the most liberating thing you’ll ever do. There’s no reward for living your life according to what others want.
You don’t need to tell them the ins and outs anyway, you don’t even have to tell them he proposed. However, preempting does seem like the easiest solution.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This man has shown you he does not want, or need sex with you. Harsh as that sounds, that is the reality. And from your post it’s not what you want.

Never mind what anyone else thinks or says, tell them all to mind their own business… this is between you and him.

You need to sit him down right now and say you are not happy with the relationship, and unless he goes to the GP/gets counselling etc then it’s over. You are not prepared to live a life of celibacy. That you love him but this is not a life you are prepared to continue with.

It’s a bit weird that he doesn’t want sex but wants to get married…. Could he be trying to hide something? Like he’s gay?

But don’t put up with this and don’t hesitate to make your own needs perfectly clear. If he won’t seek help then you need to split.

I don't think he did. The OP said the sex was amazing at first, but got boring after a year.

This.

OP, can you access any counseling for yourself?

You are thinking of throwing away the rest of your life to save a bit of embarrassment for HIM? What has he done to spare YOU any distress?

There is no relationship here. You should be making plans & moving forward.

But in the three months before she fell pregnant…. Zilch