No sex = no to proposal

[Jojococo3]

I’ve been told my partner of 3 years is planning to propose to me.
It’s something we both always wanted, but over time I went off the idea as our relationship dwindled.
We have a young baby and prior to that he wouldn’t have sex with me. I miraculously conceived after a one off where we hadn’t had sex for 3 months prior or ever since (a year ago).
Ive emotionally checked out of the relationship because every possibility of sex that doesn’t happen leaves me in floods of tears. Every mention whether on tv or friends talking, makes me upset knowing my own partner doesn’t see me sexually anymore.
He claims he wants to but he never initiates and if I do he seems annoyed so I stopped bothering.
He isn’t cheating, I know he has a low libido but it doesn’t bother him and my reaction doesn’t make a difference.
I love him and we are happy in every other area but when it comes to sex, I’m broken.
He still wants to hug, kiss, hold hands etc, just anything sexual is off the cards. I’ve tried talking to him and encouraging him to see a doctor or therapist but it falls on deaf ears. It isn’t related to my pregnancy or birth as it began before that.
I don’t want to split up our family but I know I’ll never be happy while this is an issue. I don’t know if I’d even want sex if he attempted now as it feels so awkward. We go to bed at different times and pass each other like ships in the night.
It’s like a slap in the face as I (unfortunately) know he had a very active sex life with his ex and our first months of dating were amazing sex wise, until it became very boring a year later.
Im scared of him proposing because I know I’d have to say yes to avoid the shame and embarrassment it would bring him and us. Deep down I wouldn’t say yes but I don’t have the heart to hurt him publicly.
If I told him I’d only marry him on the condition our sex life is repaired I’d feel like a controlling bully. There’s also the chance it would change briefly but go back to how it is. I don’t want a life like this where I have to beg my partner to want sex with me or spend the next X decades wishing I was with a man who found me sexually attractive. I’d love to be his wife, but knowing we’d never have that physical intimate relationship with it would ruin my confidence more than it has so far. It would be a no wedding night/honeymoon sex situation so I’d feel regret at saying yes knowing I put myself in a situation I pre empted.
Do I bring up the conversation now and make it clear I won’t marry him in these circumstances? Do I issue an ultimatum? I want to avoid leaving him so that would be a last resort and if it was a dealbreaker for him too.

Ah but you see the poor men, nobody thinks about them enough 🙄

You'd rather have the whole package with him or nothing, but wouldn't want sex with anyone ?
If that's the case you'll continue in a sexless relationship, I don't really understand what you want from this thread tbh

@Jojococo3 My ex husband had a low sex drive, so I know the loneliness you feel

Our DS was born, like yours, after a rare one off.

oddly, he had an affair and re~married a few years later but that foundered..

His third wife spoke to me once, he hasn't changed one bit!

Still got the sex drive of a snail.

I was you - leave now

It will never get better - he will promise to change and short term (few weeks) it will improve with viagra no doubt

long term you will be miserable. I wasted years of my life on a sexless relationship - be happy and leave him

Exact same advice. It’s miserable and soul destroying to live in this situation. Or do you suggest otherwise? We’re not talking about ‘woman in short term post partum low libido’ scenario. We’re talking fundamental mismatch in sexual needs with one partner refusing to communicate.

That’s interesting, I’m still stuck and miserable and now can’t imagine anyone wanting me even if I did leave. I always thought he’d find someone else quickly and might pretend for a while (or maybe it’s me) but suspect the root cause(whatever it is) will show up eventually.

Why does everyone assume that this issue can be fixed by going to the GP? It astonishes me how many people believe that GPS can wave a magic wand in all situations. Depression, relationship issues , etc. Not everything can be solved with drugs. That’s if you can see the GP in the first place .The issue for the OP is complicated. The reasons these things go wrong are complicated, and psychological issues are as much at play as physical ones . What is a GP supposed to do exactly? If it’s not low testosterone, not much.

In the UK, GPs are the ones who assess you and refer on as appropriate. So seeing a GP isn't waving a magic wand, it's just the start of a process that might involve referrals to a psychotherapist or another specialist. It's a start, and it also shows a willingness to admit that there is a problem.

Although actually, I don't think asexuality should be viewed as a problem per se. It's a problem if you get into a relationship and promise sex and then that sex stops, without you forewarning your partner. But I don't think asexuality should be viewed as something requiring medical treatment.

OP I think your partner is trying to trap you. I think the pregnancy and the public marriage proposal and the rumours about it are deliberate. It suits your partner to be married because it covers up whatever is going on with him and gives him a nice life. But it doesn't suit you. So I'm afraid you are going to have to stand up for yourself and tell him what's wrong. Personally, I'd split up with him.

Well to me it sounds like he loves you but is not IN love with you and doesn't have sexual feelings towards you. Either live with it or walk. NOTHING will change by asking HIM to change, he can't, just like him asking you NOT to want sex, you can't. Mismatched sexually. You need to make the choice.

Low sex drive for a man is like, once a fortnight. This isn't a low sex drive; this is total indifference to sex if not an utter distaste for it. Why? It doesn't make sense if he still finds you attractive then the natural response is a sexual one. He wants to marry you, still finds you attractive and you are intimate in other ways. What happens after a couple of drinks (does he lighten up a little)? Is he still not interested? I wonder - and this may seem totally left of field - but perhaps he has experienced some sort of sexual abuse in the past? You'd be surprised how many men have and they never speak about it. For the life of me, I can't think why he would want to abstain and think that that was an acceptable state of affairs in a marriage. There's more to this and he's not talking about it. I would try and get to the bottom of it without being pushy- try and get him to open up a bit more. We can't make any assumptions about what's going on in his head.

Sorry love, but I think you have to split your family up.

It's OK for a couple to not have sex if both are happy with that. The same for a low amount of sex or lots of sex.

But you're unhappy with it. And it's not right to make him force himself.

Can you imagine spending the next 50 years without sex?

Oh believe me, there will be men who will want you!
BUT will you want them?!

Speaking to Ex's Third wife was fascinating- as he says exactly the same things to her that he did to me! EG

''You are a nymphomaniac'' [for wanting sex once a week minimum]
Or ''If you wore sexier things, there'd be no stopping me''

Well this didn't work for me or wife no 3

Wife no 2 no idea there. But assuming not swinging from chandeliers there, either.

My Ex {extremely low sex drive with me and his third wife} we tried to work out if there was a reason for it-

Eg, as you say sex abuse, being a closeted Gay man , but couldn't come to any conclusions.

Ex wasn't one to communicate, his parents {his mum especially} taught him that sex was 'Dirty'..That was possibly part of the problem.

Ah ok, I re-read it. Probably not a case of sexual abuse then. Nonetheless, very odd and I would still get him to explain himself. 'Low libido' doesn't cut it at the end of the day especially if it wasnt like that to begin with. I know some men can go off sex for a while after having a baby but not for that long. You certainly can't marry him without an honest explanation about what the hell is going on.

I would absolutely bring this up before he proposes. Don't let him get there first.
You tell him that having sex with your partner/husband is non negotiable and he needs to seek help. He may have a problem and if he doesn't seek help then he may lose you. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship but it is to you and a lot of people. He needs to know how you feel.

How about looking at this from a different angle? Tune out the romantic phrases that run through our minds because of our cultural conditioning, and try to be detached and scientific about this.

There are all sorts of relationships that we have with people. Right now you have, what sounds like, a very good co-habiting and co-parenting relationship. You’re probably good friends.

If you don’t marry your options are to continue to cohabit, or to move to two separate homes.

If you are going to continue to cohabit, marriage might be a sensible option, because it provides legal benefits, clear next of kin arrangements, inheritance pathways etc. Or it may not be. But base your decisions on the fine print of the marriage contract rather than on fairytales.

If you decide to part ways, you have the basis of a solid co parenting relationship and that is an excellent achievement. There’s absolutely no shame in choosing this type of family arrangement if it meets your needs. People will talk for a while until they get bored and move on to the next drama, particularly if you refuse to be drawn. You get one life, don’t waste it.

He’ll be shocked and hurt at first, but right now it sounds like you’re carrying all the pain of this situation and that’s not fair either. He’ll also get over it in time.

I would do some hard thinking and then pre empt any showy proposal. If you need to buy more time to think you could drop some comments about how cringe public proposals are (although I wouldn’t rely on him to hear you as he already has firm for ignoring the obvious).

Has it ever occurred to you that the ex might have lied? If she went through a similar wow to nothing with sex, she might have wanted to hurt you.

oakleaffy: his parents {his mum especially} taught him that sex was 'Dirty'..That was possibly part of the problem.
--------

Sounds about right. Were they catholics ?! 😆
This guy sounds like a lost cause to be fair...

Anyway, why shouldnt you tell his parents if they ask why you declined his offer of marriage? I would. Tell em straight, 'your son doesnt believe in sex before or after marriage". That should put an end to any further impertinent questions or insinuations !

Has it ever occurred to you that the ex might have lied? If she went through a similar wow to nothing with sex, she might have wanted to hurt you.

That sounds quite likely actually. It sounds like her intention was to upset and unsettle you. And as a new boyfriend he's hardly likely to contradict tales of being a demon between the sheets.

My love, STOP! Stop making this all about what other people want/think. Your dp doesn’t care about how you feel, and tbh FUCK your intrusive family! That’s not a good enough reason for you to be miserable for the rest of your life or worse teach your child that yours is what a relationship looks like.

end the relationship, be alone for now and get your life back under your control.

at least if you’re on your own you won’t base to few worse or rejected, that in itself will give you huge amounts of confidence

you deserve a life, you deserve to be the best version of yourself

you can’t see it all now, but clear out the dead wood that is your dead relationship and focus on you and your child.

to the intrusive relative? Just say we weren’t compatible and it’s not something I’m ever going to discuss with you or anyone else so let’s just leave it there. Repeat like a broken record and they will stop eventually

Agree 💯 with @WisherWood :

OP I think your partner is trying to trap you. I think the pregnancy and the public marriage proposal and the rumours about it are deliberate. It suits your partner to be married because it covers up whatever is going on with him and gives him a nice life. But it doesn't suit you. So I'm afraid you are going to have to stand up for yourself and tell him what's wrong. Personally, I'd split up with him.

He might have been molested and raped early in life and now it is playing out. It sounds like you two are incompatible sexually, but get along fine otherwise. I think what is important now to the both of you is the baby you brought into this world and creating a stable environment. You can say yes to the proposal but take your time over the next few months to see if this is something you can live with because what you have now is most likely how it is going to be for the rest of your relationship. Remember you cannot change another person. If there is love in this relationship than something so small as this would not matter. I will be married 40 years this October and just know that life will put you through many more changes than just this. The question is are you ready. There will be some give and take if you say I do and there will be times where you will not get your way, nor he. So make sure you are mature and ready enough for such a commitment. Get counselling if you can.

Why on earth do you feel you have to say yes. You don't have to say yes to anything if you don't want to.
Saying no was the most important lesson I ever learned in my life.

Sex is not a small thing.

Please don’t marry him. I was you!! I married a guy (no kids) after years of minimal
intimacy. Im sure why I went through with it (I was young but still knew I was entering a life of celibacy). It broke me. The constant rejection. I’d be so jealous of friends talking about their sex lives. Constantly Saying he’ll change. Me Wondering how we would ever conceive.
well I lasted 21 months. I was 31 and one day just said fuck this. Left him and my home! Ended up Meeting a guy about a year and half later and now married with 2 kids! And a sex life. It’s amazing, intimate and I’m so grateful I left him. I loved him and he is a nice person but I couldn’t live my life like that. You’ve one chance at life and go live it.

Agree. It’s fundamental - or at least having the same outlook on it is.