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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife brings her daughter everywhere ...

128 replies

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:33

My wife of a year (2 year together ) brings her daughter (22) everywhere.
We have arranged to go to gigs and she invites her daughter
I said let's go to Paris for the weekend -she invited her daughter
Our anniversary day out ,she brought her daughter and her daughters boyfriend
Her daughter is at Uni and doesn't live with us
Sometimes I would just like it be us two
Would you be bothered by this ?
Sometimes it feels like she wants her along because I'm boring
We went out with my friends who are quite intellectual and surprise surprise she brings her daughter
I don't have any kids so not sure if it's normal?
If it is -I'm sorry

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 14/08/2023 07:34

Did she do this in the year before you married, or is it just since you married ?

UndercoverCop · 14/08/2023 07:36

No it's not usual to do this all of the time. On occasion yes, say you were seeing a band the daughter really likes or going to an exhibition your wife knows she really wants to see, but not every outing and holiday.

Daffodilwoman · 14/08/2023 07:37

I think you need to say something.
For example ‘I’d like to try this new restaurant in town, but I’d prefer it if you and I go alone this time.’
See what she says.

IncompleteSenten · 14/08/2023 07:38

Tell her. Next time you arrange something tell her I'd like it to be a romantic getaway for us. Please don't invite your daughter.

skgnome · 14/08/2023 07:41

It’s quite weird
try something small, like “surprise her” with a booking for a romantic restaurant and see how she reacts when you tell her
or tell her you would like to go away for a weekend just as a couple

VictoriaVenkman · 14/08/2023 07:43

Is this new behaviour?

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 07:43

I can't understand how you've got this far without having said something, especially the anniversary day out, it's crazy to me that it wouldn't even occur to her to check if that was alright with you.

It's nice to do things with adult kids but she should be asking every time it's to something organised by you or together imo and you should be free to say you'd rather it was just the two of you.

Xrays · 14/08/2023 07:47

My daughter is the same age and also at university. It is a bit weird but on the other hand I’m guessing the daughter isn’t with you much if she’s living at university most of the time so your wife is probably trying to include her when she’s home - I’m assuming you get your wife to yourself most of the time? Maybe she didn’t realise those trips / days out were meant to be special one to one times for you both. You need to tell her.

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:48

Tbh it's more since we got married
The odd time before hand but now it's a lot
I could understand obviously if she was under 18 and lived at home etc
But early 20s and at uni etc
I thought maybe I would be called selfish for even thinking it

OP posts:
Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:48

Well she's only 20 mins away at uni so can literally visit whenever

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 14/08/2023 07:50

Where does the daughter live during the holidays?

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:51

@FrenchandSaunders she's back at home during the holidays

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 14/08/2023 07:51

Is her DD struggling a bit at university? That’s the only explanation I can think of - otherwise, it’s odd of her to do it (and odd of the DD to want to come all the time!).

panko · 14/08/2023 07:52

Take her for a romantic meal out - if she brings her daughter along then it's deliberate.

mondaytosunday · 14/08/2023 07:53

Even if she was under 18 and lived at home it's not normal! And it's a bit surprising that her daughter wants to go. I'm very close to my daughter and we do a lot together (I'm a widow, my older son has moved out), but I certainly don't include her on all social occasions, and she certainly doesn't want to be!
Next time there is something being discussed, tell her you'd like it to be just the two of you. Not selfish at all - having another adult along, related or not, changes the whole dynamic.

TreesandFish · 14/08/2023 07:53

No, that's not normal. I'm single with a 20 year old son. I don't take him everywhere. That would be weird

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:53

@WimpoleHat no she's got lots of friends and is loving it ,so I could understand it
Although it was always her mum and her together so maybe this could be why

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 14/08/2023 07:53

skgnome · 14/08/2023 07:41

It’s quite weird
try something small, like “surprise her” with a booking for a romantic restaurant and see how she reacts when you tell her
or tell her you would like to go away for a weekend just as a couple

I think this is a great idea!

CapEBarra · 14/08/2023 07:54

Does her daughter need extra support? Does she have friends? A boyfriend? Is she coping at university? Perhaps this is why your wife is taking her with you - she may be worried about her. Just check before you do anything else.

Caprisunny · 14/08/2023 07:58

It seems a bit odd to bring her to everything.

My dd is a similar age and I invite her to a lot. But I have a younger child, who would be coming away with us if we go so I wouldn’t just leave DD out. If 3 of us are going, no reason 4 of us can’t. If me and dp are doing something just the 2 of us, I wouldn’t invite her.

But I have to ask…..why did you feel the need to point out you were having dinner with friends who are quite intellectual? Feels like you are hinting at something and I can’t quite pick up, what.

tribpot · 14/08/2023 08:00

I wonder if she is wanting her DD to know that she isn't being sidelined by the marriage, that the family unit is as strong as ever? Your step-DD is a young adult and you're still pretty new on the scene, is your wife over-compensating?

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 08:00

@Caprisunny me and my wife are different when it comes to things we are interested in and sometimes I think when I'm talking to friends if she's not interested she becomes bored etc

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 14/08/2023 08:04

No not normal.

fasf marriage. It sounds like a conversation is needed.

SkirtingBeard · 14/08/2023 08:10

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 08:00

@Caprisunny me and my wife are different when it comes to things we are interested in and sometimes I think when I'm talking to friends if she's not interested she becomes bored etc

My question was going to be the same as @Caprisunny’s, but I still don’t quite know what you’re implying here. Are you saying you and your friends are ‘intellectual’ and your wife isn’t, so she brings her daughter along because she’s bored by the clever talk, or can’t keep up?

Wheresthebloomingsummersunshine · 14/08/2023 08:13

Maybe if it's been just the 2 of them together for a long time before you and DW married, she wants her DD to feel that she's not excluding her from her life now that she's married? But if it feels to you like 3 in a marriage you're obviously worried their codependency hasn't changed since your marriage. Book a date night night or weekend away for "just the two of you" and see what she says. If DSD is enjoying her time away at Uni (or is she living at home with you both if uni is only 20mins away?) I'm surprised she isn't wanting to invest more in her own social life with her fellow students.