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Original poster

My wife brings her daughter everywhere ...

128 replies

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:33

My wife of a year (2 year together ) brings her daughter (22) everywhere.
We have arranged to go to gigs and she invites her daughter
I said let's go to Paris for the weekend -she invited her daughter
Our anniversary day out ,she brought her daughter and her daughters boyfriend
Her daughter is at Uni and doesn't live with us
Sometimes I would just like it be us two
Would you be bothered by this ?
Sometimes it feels like she wants her along because I'm boring
We went out with my friends who are quite intellectual and surprise surprise she brings her daughter
I don't have any kids so not sure if it's normal?
If it is -I'm sorry

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 14/08/2023 16:08

Why don't you just ask her?
It's reasonable to say how much you like the girl and enjoy her company out, from time to time but you would prefer to spend more 'couple' time. It might be she thinks you're a bit dull on your own (no offence) especially out with your intellectual friends!

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 16:17

Oh sorry I should of added I thought it was clear ( it wasn't ) I'm female not male ha ha

OP posts:
CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 14/08/2023 16:23

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 16:17

Oh sorry I should of added I thought it was clear ( it wasn't ) I'm female not male ha ha

I can't see why that would make the problem, or advice, any different. Unless you were referring to my phrase. Which just means a third person blocking intimacy between two others.

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 16:25

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 16:17

Oh sorry I should of added I thought it was clear ( it wasn't ) I'm female not male ha ha

I already assumed you were. Could tell by how you worded your post.

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 16:43

@CantThinkOfANameAtAll no just another poster said "step dad " so wanted to clear up I was female

OP posts:
xyz111 · 14/08/2023 17:14

What has she said when you've spoken to her about it?

Hiddenvoice · 14/08/2023 17:16

I think you need to speak to her about it. She’s probably very used to hanging around with her dd before you got married. However if it’s new then ask why the dd is always around. Could the dd be going through something and your wife just wants her there?

harerunner · 14/08/2023 17:20

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 08:43

Yeah we lived together 6 months after we met and got engaged 6 months after so knew each other pretty well.
My salary is nearly double hers but both not big earners

So you started living together pretty much immediately after you met?!

harerunner · 14/08/2023 17:22

I can't see why that would make the problem, or advice, any different. Unless you were referring to my phrase. Which just means a third person blocking intimacy between two others.

Me neither, but some posters would have told her to LTB if they'd realised.

drpet49 · 14/08/2023 17:22

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:48

Tbh it's more since we got married
The odd time before hand but now it's a lot
I could understand obviously if she was under 18 and lived at home etc
But early 20s and at uni etc
I thought maybe I would be called selfish for even thinking it

Sorry to say but sounds like your wife doesn’t want to spend any alone time with you. Sounds like the marriage is doomed.

harerunner · 14/08/2023 17:23

harerunner · 14/08/2023 17:22

I can't see why that would make the problem, or advice, any different. Unless you were referring to my phrase. Which just means a third person blocking intimacy between two others.

Me neither, but some posters would have told her to LTB if they'd realised.

Sorry, ignore my last post as it makes no sense.

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 17:27

No we didn't live together till after we had dated for 6 months.
I haven't brought up the subject yet as I wasn't quite sure how to approach it

OP posts:
BibbityBobbety · 14/08/2023 17:40

I think mother and daughter have what is called a maternal enmeshed relationship - where they are likely codependent on each other. It will cause a lot of problems for the daughter as she gets older as her partner will feel a bit like you do (third wheel). Not sure there's a lot you can do other than put in your own boundaries i.e when you want to spend time just with your life, you make it clear no one else is to be invited. If your wife still insists on bringing her daughter, it's not that she finds you boring, it's that she sees her daughter metaphorically as her primary partner (emotional/companionship etc) and you're just the person she's legally married to.

It's pretty much impossible for enmeshed families to begin to separate without therapy. I would observe the situation carefully and see whether your wife is open to spending time without her daughter. If she'd not, you will never grow the intimacy needed in a marriage to feel fulfilled yourself - may then be time to do some couples counselling. Start by asking her why she wants to invite her daughter, suggest that it's good for her daughter to individuate from her mother and grow her own identity (which she can't do if her mum is her best friend).

My mum was like this with me. And it took me a long time to break the habit and have my own life. No doubt it left my dad feeling like a third wheel, but it also caused problems in my own relationships as my mum also expected to be invited places like she used to invite me. Your wife may be much better than my mum and not even be aware how it impacts you - so give her a chance and be clear about your own boundaries.

diamondpony80 · 14/08/2023 18:36

DS is living away at uni (not far from home though) and I have to admit I still do invite him to things like days out, holidays and weekends away. He does have a younger sibling at home though who likes him to come, and we want him to still feel like he's part of the family. Tbh he's busy most of the time anyway as he works as well as uni, but I still like to include him while we still can. He'll eventually move further away, get married and have his own family so I want to spend time with him while he's still nearby. I expect your wife feels the same. I do see your point as well though - you are newlyweds after all!

Daleksatemyshed · 14/08/2023 18:51

@BibbityBobbety has the answer to your problem I think Op. If your DW lived just with her DD for a long time she sees her as a friend as well and it probably doesn't occur to her that you'd be happier with some outings just as a couple. You're going to have to phrase it very carefully so as not to offend her but you do need to have a talk about this or this could end up being a dealbreaker. It's natural for her to want to see her child but not on an anniversary dinner for two!

Josell12345 · 14/08/2023 19:26

I took it as wife wouldnt be interested in the type of stuff he discussed wifh those friends. Maybe intellectual wasnt really the word he was looking for? Or maybe shes not intellectual heraelf or would rather natter about love island and celeb gossip...... maybe?

Agapornis · 14/08/2023 19:46

So you're about 34, and she's about 40? Is this the first relationship with a woman for either/both of you? I know lesbian relationships can er... work at lightning speed Grin - but please be just as careful as you'd be with a man, she could go for your money, pension or house just as easily now you're married.

How does she treat you when you have an argument? I'd let that inform how you approach this.

Alpsx · 14/08/2023 20:28

@navypaintthewalls
Very quickly.
yes, it is an overkill. in any event she should ask you first if she can also invite her dd.
however, given the 2 of them were close before you and you were on your own, both wife and you NEED to give each other time to adjust. that means, you need to make some allowances to being 3 and she needs to make allowances to just you and her.
you need to get there first by inviting the daughter to some events- don't let wife drag dd, but make it a day/night out for 3 of you from the outset. immediately follow it with an invite to your wife and say specifically it would be good to be just the two of you. also have a 2nd specified invite lined up for the 3 of you when you propose the one for just you 2.

also, sorry, but I agree with you that your wife does find you a bit boring. However, you need to separate dd from her finding you boring, by first sorting out your adjustments for both wife and you and dd. they are 2 separate things.

Doone21 · 14/08/2023 21:00

It's normal if she's 6, still OK if she's 16 but at 22? Without asking you first? That's not normal, how is the poor girl ever going to get a life of her own?

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 21:25

@Agapornis no this is my second relationship and she's been out since her daughter was 4

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 14/08/2023 21:32

I don't think it's sensible for this level of togetherness if you are a single parent or no, I'm a lone parent and I certainly see my friends separately to my late teens, they are happy to say hi or chat if a family member, but I have my friends, they have theirs, and we don't socialise constantly together at all. We do the odd family meal, but even with the girls I take them out separately for coffee every now and again so they can talk on a one-to-one. This sounds either enmeshed or avoidant, I think time for an honest chat.

HamBone · 14/08/2023 21:32

Goodness no, I enjoy spending time with my DD (18) but I wouldn’t take her everywhere with DH, we like our couples time.

I agree with PP’s, arrange a romantic meal or something similar st short notice.

HappiDaze · 14/08/2023 21:39

No it's not normal at all

Are you paying for most of these trips, gigs or is she at least using her own money to pay towards her DD and the BF

Yes you have a joint account but is most of the money in it yours

Sounds like she's taking advantage of your ££

TinaTotal · 14/08/2023 21:39

I have a 22 year old and she actively avoids going anywhere with me 🤣

HappiDaze · 14/08/2023 21:41

Its a weird situation and one that I would hate so much that I'd just invent an excuse not to go to any gigs with them