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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife brings her daughter everywhere ...

128 replies

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:33

My wife of a year (2 year together ) brings her daughter (22) everywhere.
We have arranged to go to gigs and she invites her daughter
I said let's go to Paris for the weekend -she invited her daughter
Our anniversary day out ,she brought her daughter and her daughters boyfriend
Her daughter is at Uni and doesn't live with us
Sometimes I would just like it be us two
Would you be bothered by this ?
Sometimes it feels like she wants her along because I'm boring
We went out with my friends who are quite intellectual and surprise surprise she brings her daughter
I don't have any kids so not sure if it's normal?
If it is -I'm sorry

OP posts:
Callyem · 14/08/2023 11:35

It's weird. It feels as though she needs a buffer.

cheesecroissant · 14/08/2023 12:35

You're not giving much to go on here op. Do you talk more in real life?

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 12:36

I thought maybe I was being unreasonable
Her daughter is lovely
Honestly such a nice girl,we get in great and because my wife had her young we have lots of things in common but I still want just us time
In the last month we have been to 3 gigs together ,2 weekends away and 2 nights out
It's honestly overkill

OP posts:
wizzywig · 14/08/2023 12:42

That'd do my head in op. Is she using your higher wage to do all these nice things with her?

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 12:44

@wizzywig no we have a joint bank account
Both our wages go in one pot now

OP posts:
Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 12:44

@cheesecroissant yeah we do ,I'm probably just overthinking it all
We do have lots of fun,go to lots of places together

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 14/08/2023 12:45

It's bad enough she doesn't want romantic weekends away without her adult daughter, but covering the daughter's cost with your household money is cheeky as fuck.

tribpot · 14/08/2023 12:46

I imagine since it's just been the two of them for so long they've got used to being companions as well as family. Do tread carefully as other posters have said (although you do need to address this). You have joined their family, and it needs to evolve to accommodate two changes - the marriage and DD becoming a more independent adult.

FictionalCharacter · 14/08/2023 12:48

No that isn’t at all usual.
I could understand it more if the DD had no social life of her own, but she’s at university, has friends and a bf.
It’s likely that your wife sees all these events as family outings, not couple outings.
Just tell her you want to have some outings as a couple. It isn’t much to ask!

C1N1C · 14/08/2023 12:51

The curious thing for me here is that it takes two to tango. OK, your wife may want to invite her daughter, but someone that was raised 'well' would know not to invite themselves.

I have a friend like this... to the extreme. I say I'm going on holiday with my wife and he'll say "oh, I can come too"... no, off!

Your wife is wrong to assume the daughter is always invited, and the daughter is wrong not to ask both parties if she IS wanted.

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 12:53

@FictionalCharacter I'm just confused how she thinks 2 nights away in Manchester to meet up with my friends is a family trip and needs her daughter 😂

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 14/08/2023 12:55

Sounds like your wife doesn't like you romantically tbh, do you think she could be using you for financial security?

Anoooshka · 14/08/2023 13:06

One of my family members does this, except it's her younger sister. They are like Siamese twins. The younger sister's husband got fed up with it and left her for another woman. The husband of the older sister doesn't mind the situation, but he lives separately from his wife, so they don't spend that much time together.

I'd be sitting down with your wife and telling her how you feel, otherwise resentment will build up and your relationship will eventually fail.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2023 13:18

You need to sit her down and say to her that as much as you like her DD, you would really like to do some things just the two of you. See what she says and gauge from there what is going on. She maybe regrets marrying you so quickly. She maybe sees no issues with this as she was used to doing lots of stuff with her DD. How is your marriage in general would you say?

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 14/08/2023 13:27

There could be many reasons why. My first thought was she's using her DD as a cockblocker.

Whataretheodds · 14/08/2023 13:30

She's your wife. You need to talk to her, ask her what's going on, tell her how you feel.

If you can't do that you have bigger problems.

Original poster
navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 14:38

It's crazy because when we met and she said she had a daughter I panicked for a minute thinking it could make things difficult
Then when she said she was nearly 20 I was relieved -just feels like there's 3 of us in this relationship at the min

OP posts:
hot2trotter · 14/08/2023 14:43

Just open your mouth and tell her! "I'd like it if just us two went out for dinner / had a weekend away / went to the concert this time". It's not hard. Communicate.

Rewis · 14/08/2023 14:49

Talk to her. Feels like she's avoiding spending time with you alone.

Sherrycat · 14/08/2023 15:16

It does all sound very odd! I’d be really fed up in your position.

I would definitely book something for just the 2 of you & see your wife’s reaction.

what are your evenings like together? Is there much conversation? If not, I’d be inclined to think she invites her daughter on purpose because she doesn’t find your company stimulating enough.

Sorry, that sounds harsh, but I can’t fathom why your wife would constantly invite her daughter along.

I would definitely bring it up with your wife. I love my grown up kids, & they do join us sometimes, but i also want time alone with my dh.

tillylula · 14/08/2023 15:23

My husband is alot more intellectual than me and sometimes when he's with his mates it's boring but I wouldn't bring someone else all the time.

Purditnin · 14/08/2023 15:30

Have you tried talking to your wife about this?

FictionalCharacter · 14/08/2023 15:37

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 12:53

@FictionalCharacter I'm just confused how she thinks 2 nights away in Manchester to meet up with my friends is a family trip and needs her daughter 😂

Yes it doesn’t make sense, but I suppose what I meant was that maybe she sees all outings as “family trips”, which most of us wouldn’t.
You really do need to talk to her about this. Tell her you’re organising something for the two of you as a couple, and if she starts talking about DD coming along, that’s your cue to tell her that you really did mean just the two of you. Then she’ll need to explain why she invites DD all the time.
There has to be a reason behind it in her mind.

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 15:54

Yes, that is weird of her.

Peony654 · 14/08/2023 16:00

That seems quite odd, also no idea why a 22-yo daughter wants to spend all her time with her mum and stepdad.
This comments is very strange though "We went out with my friends who are quite intellectual" ??!