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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My wife brings her daughter everywhere ...

128 replies

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 07:33

My wife of a year (2 year together ) brings her daughter (22) everywhere.
We have arranged to go to gigs and she invites her daughter
I said let's go to Paris for the weekend -she invited her daughter
Our anniversary day out ,she brought her daughter and her daughters boyfriend
Her daughter is at Uni and doesn't live with us
Sometimes I would just like it be us two
Would you be bothered by this ?
Sometimes it feels like she wants her along because I'm boring
We went out with my friends who are quite intellectual and surprise surprise she brings her daughter
I don't have any kids so not sure if it's normal?
If it is -I'm sorry

OP posts:

HappiDaze · 14/08/2023 21:42

Who's idea was it to get married so soon?

purplebluediscorain · 14/08/2023 21:47

I’m 28 and close to my mum. We did everything together before we both got into relationships and all! I’ve only ever been out with them a handful of times but I also do have a child. This would be a massive no and I don’t understand how the daughter even wants to spend all this time with you both. I would have to say you need to politely ask if you two could spend more alone time and see how it goes. This is no way to live. When I seen the title I thought you meant a 3/4 year old.

Original poster

navypaintthewalls · 14/08/2023 21:59

@HappiDaze my wife proposed to me

OP posts:

SilverDrawer · 14/08/2023 22:19

Are you her first same sex relationship?

MumblesParty · 15/08/2023 00:39

diamondpony80 · 14/08/2023 18:36

DS is living away at uni (not far from home though) and I have to admit I still do invite him to things like days out, holidays and weekends away. He does have a younger sibling at home though who likes him to come, and we want him to still feel like he's part of the family. Tbh he's busy most of the time anyway as he works as well as uni, but I still like to include him while we still can. He'll eventually move further away, get married and have his own family so I want to spend time with him while he's still nearby. I expect your wife feels the same. I do see your point as well though - you are newlyweds after all!

This situation is completely different. You’re talking about family trips, with your DH and 2 children. OP’s situation is different.

diamondpony80 · 15/08/2023 01:13

MumblesParty · 15/08/2023 00:39

This situation is completely different. You’re talking about family trips, with your DH and 2 children. OP’s situation is different.

Show quote history

Yes, I did clarify that we have a younger child so that OP would note the difference. But as I said, maybe his wife wants to spend as much time with her daughter as possible before she finishes uni and moves on with her life?

Original poster

navypaintthewalls · 15/08/2023 06:45

@SilverDrawer no she's had another 5 year relationship with a woman

OP posts:

Purditnin · 15/08/2023 06:47

May I ask your ages?

And, again, have you asked your wife to stop doing this?

Poppyblush · 15/08/2023 06:51

Sounds like you’re being taken fir a rude. Stop pooling your money as this may not work out. Certainly don’t finance the daughter.

Original poster

navypaintthewalls · 15/08/2023 07:19

She's 41 -42 soon and I'm 35

OP posts:

Caprisunny · 15/08/2023 07:24

Why did you marry so quickly?

You say she earns half of what you do. So you must earn 40k plus?

or does she work part time? Please tell me she works full time since she has no small children.

It’s really clear she doesn’t enjoy spending time with just you. Which you would have figured out if you didn’t rush to marry. I would be seriously considering an exit plan.

It really sounds like She proposed to you as a life style choice. Not because she loves you.

Z1hun · 15/08/2023 07:33

Could you try booking something as a surprise. Or speak to the daughter about something you'd like to do as a couple with your wife and make it explicit. In a nice way of course.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 08:31

Your wife sounds like a pain in the arse.

She gets bored if you talk with your friends? Is she rude with it?

I’d be curious to hear what your friends make of her.

morbidd · 15/08/2023 08:39

How is the marriage otherwise? Any other issues? Lack of intimacy?

Junime · 15/08/2023 08:54

I would use the phase date night, that implies it's just the two of you.
I also agree with surprising her, if anything else is nice to be surprised and treated once in a while.
Also talk to your wife! Start with asking how her daughters getting on at uni etc - I'd even start by inviting the daughter over for Sunday lunch or something and pulling her to one side and mentioning to the daughter that you would like to suprise her mum for a "date night* and get her thoughts on where to take her what she thinks her mum would like etc

SilverDrawer · 15/08/2023 09:16

Z1hun · 15/08/2023 07:33

Could you try booking something as a surprise. Or speak to the daughter about something you'd like to do as a couple with your wife and make it explicit. In a nice way of course.

Don’t speak to her daughter about an explicit date night.. 😳😂

SilverDrawer · 15/08/2023 09:19

Honestly, just say to her what you’ve said here.

The daughter is not a child who needs to feel included in her mother’s marriage and social life.

Tell her that you feel you don’t have enough time alone with her, and see what she says.

FiestyGemini · 15/08/2023 09:25

Is it possible she is trying for you and the daughter to have something to bond over? Shared travel, days out etc. I'm extremely close with my mum so I dont find it strange she is my best friend.I would literally speak your wife she is going to be the person to give the reasons.

Original poster

navypaintthewalls · 15/08/2023 10:00

I'm not sure if it was rushed
Maybe it was
Yeah she works full time and I'm full time also
Thanks everyone for all your advice
Deffo will have a word with her

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 15/08/2023 10:14

Did she and the dd move into your home?

Original poster

navypaintthewalls · 15/08/2023 10:57

No I moved into hers and she added me to her mortgage

OP posts:

Original poster

navypaintthewalls · 15/08/2023 11:00

I was renting and it was easier for me to move in and pay half the mortgage /bills etc
Rather than both of us pay 2 lots

OP posts:

billy1966 · 15/08/2023 11:06

No I definitely don't think its normal.

However, you rushed into this marriage, clearly.

You need to speak to her, because she is giving zero consideration to your feelings.

That your gut is telling you that she is bored with you already is also very strange.

You need to spell out your expectations that you would have time together alone.

If she pushes back on this, I would look hard at the relationship and perhaps end it.

I think you have made a mistake and rushed things.

Alpsx · 15/08/2023 11:08

Sorry, this marriage is doomed unless you both nip this in the bud sharpish- as one poster mentioned- think couples' counselling that sort of thing.

Yes, it was clear you had not broached the subject with her- you sound scared of her. I had a female gay colleague who I got on well with and these were the sort of endless problems she had with her long term gay partner and I had had to keep listening to (on repeat and I felt helpless). She couldn't see the way out- much like you- to the point she started alleging the other was manipulative. I am not gay, so I felt her situation was beyond my comprehension- the repetition of it with seemingly none of her plan of action on her part, working. Went on for years and it could still be going on today. She seemed to have found it hard to end the relationship too. I recall she used the words 'I am in a quandary' a lot. In fact, all the time she was talking to me about her relationship problems. Bless her.

Alpsx · 15/08/2023 11:11

Also words: 'I can't see wood for trees'. All the time! She was resilient- I give her that.

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