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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner doesn’t want my mother round our house

105 replies

Feelingvulnerable1992 · 13/08/2023 17:13

Hi everyone. This isn’t heart related but I’m having a really bad time in my relationship at the moment on top of my heart issues and I could do with some unbiased opinions.

My partner is out of work at the moment. Him and my mum have clashed in the past. I don’t think my mum particularly likes him but she tolerates him and things have been much nicer recently. However all of a sudden something has gone wrong with his job and everything my mum says he is taking out his moods on her. Suddenly saying I see her too much (she works 2 days a week, I work 2 days and she looks after our children those days - then on our day off we tend to see eachother as my partner usually would be at work and on a Saturday we mostly see eachother - that’s how our family has always been , we’re very close) I get some people don’t get that. But usually he would be at work some weekends etc too and when he isn’t he has a nice break or goes golf etc. anyway he has said that he wants to get in from work and her not be here. She never outstays her welcome - trust me after a day around my active kids she probably can’t wait to get home and chill!! She stays until he is back to make sure I have help as my children are young and hard work and I have my heart issues. He says I’m so needy of her and it’s so unattractive. He says she is always here (she isn’t) but for example if my son has a swimming lesson on a Thursday at 6pm she will come and watch with me and I’ll always ask her in for a cuppa before she goes back home. He says I shouldn’t do that.

I feel torn. I’m happy with how much I see my mum. I get it’s his house too but mostly we go out and surely he needs to understand we are really close. It was only me and her growing up. Do I need to not invite her in for a tea? That would make me unhappy. Do I need to change and make myself unhappy so that he is happy. Why can’t he just accept how it is? Why is he so unhappy about me inviting her in for a tea.

I don’t want to change my relationship. I guess that means I’ll lose the relationship with my partner. But why should I change something that is mine not his - he says he wants to lay in his pants watching tv etc and can’t.

Am I being selfish? Or him? At this point I just don’t know anymore. TIa x

OP posts:
Sheldoncoopersspot · 13/08/2023 17:19

Lose the partner keep your mum and why is she looking after the kids when he's not working?

Zanatdy · 13/08/2023 17:20

I’d lose the partner, who does he think he is telling you what to do?

jeaux90 · 13/08/2023 17:24

The only thing that has changed is him losing his job. So are you all then supposed to pivot to his needs? I don't bloody think so. Your mum sounds really helpful and it sounds like you need her help. He sounds like a spoilt brat.

Yahyahs22 · 13/08/2023 17:43

My mum died and I would love to have this relationship with her. She never got to meet my children.
Don't give up time spent with your mum, believe me, you'll regret it.

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2023 17:48

Is he saying he doesn't want your mum to look after the children any more? Is he going to do it?

Summer2424 · 13/08/2023 17:48

@Feelingvulnerable1992
Your Mum sounds so lovely and does so much for you. You sound similar to me, i'm very family orientated too not sure why partner's have an issue with it.
I hope once your partner gets a job his mood will change xx

JibbaJab · 13/08/2023 17:50

Maybe different circumstances in my case but my wife had issues with a few family members on both sides.

It started off as seeing people less often, then nobody at birthdays, Christmas, then we saw nobody at all and no one was welcome. We were then fully isolated and I lost a lot of time with loved ones, including grandparent that passed away and so did the children.

Again, may not be the same but be wary and ultimately they are your family, your relationship don't let someone else dictate that.

EAP · 13/08/2023 19:23

You man is your future so you need to stand by him.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 13/08/2023 19:24

EAP what century are you from?.

tortiecat · 13/08/2023 19:25

@EAP are you OP's DP / Tammy Wynette?!
Don't be daft.

OP - all sounds normal, in fact very lovely, with your Mum to me.

Spin66 · 13/08/2023 19:30

He sounds like a prize wanker! Your mum doesn't sound intrusive, just helpful.

I lived away from family when my child was growing up & I would have been grateful for some help.

What's his/your relationship with his parents?

Spin66 · 13/08/2023 19:31

@tortiecat

@EAP are you OP's DP / Tammy Wynette?! 😂

Spin66 · 13/08/2023 19:38

Just to give you a flavour of @EAP posts

By EAP ·
Yesterday 19:32
Are you keeping him topped up regularly so to speak so he doesn't have to resort to these extras

Avabarth · 13/08/2023 19:41

I'm torn on this one.
My ex's family were very close and his family seemed to want to be at our house a lot during the week and expected us to visit them after work etc. It was full on. I hated them. They were ignorant, arrogant people who I had nothing in common with. I would have hated to have come home from work to find MIL sitting on my sofa.

I know my ex's sister's husband felt the same way as I did. He would come home to find MIL and FIL sat on his sofa and I know my SIL had been out all day with them with the baby, meals bought for her so she was never hungry in the evenings, so he'd have to cook, baby clothes wouldn't be washed because she'd been out all day, she'd complain she was tired and spend the evening in bed whilst he cooked, cleaned and washed every evening because she had been pampered by her affluent parents all day long. The inlaws would speak down to him like they did to me and patronise him and it just got ridiculous. It was like my ex and his sister never really grew up. Even now, my every time there is a childcare issue, a car issue, a house issue my ex always says the same thing "I'll call mum and dad..." His sister is exactly the same. They even have to discuss big purchases with their parents first.

Your situation sounds very different from the one I describe as your mum sounds very helpful and lovely,- but is she lovely with your husband? If not, I don't know if I'd want her in my house quite so much either. Obviously, if she's not lovely with your husband because he's not good to you, that's entirely different!

Irridescantshimmmer · 13/08/2023 19:53

Its a massive red flag when a partner is intolerant of your close family, in this case your mum.

You said in your post that your family is close. There is every reason why you should stay close with your family, especially you mum regardless of the wishes of your partner, who needs to be tolerant.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/08/2023 20:02

i would let your mum have a couple of weeks of and he can do the childcare if he is not working

but I would also be on his case daily about getting a new job, then he won’t need to worry about seeing your mum as he will be at work!

rwalker · 13/08/2023 20:09

Sounds like there significant history when you say they clash

You say she doesn’t like him and tolerates him He will be well aware of that

tbh I’d struggle to welcome someone into my home who doesn’t like me

what’s changed with him is probably his tolerance to her

EAP · 13/08/2023 20:09

@Spin66 and your posts are so enlightening?

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 13/08/2023 20:12

My dm was a terrible dm but one tip she told me was to be gone before the dh came home. Nobody wants to get back to guests after a day's work..

Seryse · 13/08/2023 20:17

He sounds kinda jealous I think. You need to have a wee chat and see what the issue is... you think he'd be bloody grateful you have the support from your mum and that she looks after the kids to give a break.

My mum died when I was 31 weeks pregnant with my DS (he's 16 months now), she never got to meet him in person but she would have adored him, and his baby sister who's 9 weeks. It genuinely cuts me up every single day that she didn't get to cuddle them, read them stories, love then like she did my oldest. Please have a wee think to yourself, you have a fantastic relationship with your mum it seems, as did I, please don't let anyone take that away.

CuteCillian · 13/08/2023 20:19

Does he have a relative who could take on a share of childcare? Maybe he feels you are closed to other options. Obviously he should look after his own DC when he is able to, do you prefer your Mother as a carer? That would make him feel you don't see him as capable.
I would not want my MIL constantly at my home

Beaverbridge · 13/08/2023 20:19

Your mum sounds great, he's a fud.

category12 · 13/08/2023 20:19

Do you particularly want him to lie in his pants on the sofa watching telly while he's out of work?

I wouldn't.

LardoBurrows · 13/08/2023 20:25

EAP · 13/08/2023 19:23

You man is your future so you need to stand by him.

You can safely ignore this regressive, batshit comment Op.

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 20:25

Red flag.

Change of his circumstances and the whole set up needs to change.

Will he look after the children while you work?

I would be thinking of moving home to your lovely mother rather than be dictated to by him.

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