My partner doesn’t want my mother round our house

[Feelingvulnerable1992]

Hi everyone. This isn’t heart related but I’m having a really bad time in my relationship at the moment on top of my heart issues and I could do with some unbiased opinions.

My partner is out of work at the moment. Him and my mum have clashed in the past. I don’t think my mum particularly likes him but she tolerates him and things have been much nicer recently. However all of a sudden something has gone wrong with his job and everything my mum says he is taking out his moods on her. Suddenly saying I see her too much (she works 2 days a week, I work 2 days and she looks after our children those days - then on our day off we tend to see eachother as my partner usually would be at work and on a Saturday we mostly see eachother - that’s how our family has always been , we’re very close) I get some people don’t get that. But usually he would be at work some weekends etc too and when he isn’t he has a nice break or goes golf etc. anyway he has said that he wants to get in from work and her not be here. She never outstays her welcome - trust me after a day around my active kids she probably can’t wait to get home and chill!! She stays until he is back to make sure I have help as my children are young and hard work and I have my heart issues. He says I’m so needy of her and it’s so unattractive. He says she is always here (she isn’t) but for example if my son has a swimming lesson on a Thursday at 6pm she will come and watch with me and I’ll always ask her in for a cuppa before she goes back home. He says I shouldn’t do that.

I feel torn. I’m happy with how much I see my mum. I get it’s his house too but mostly we go out and surely he needs to understand we are really close. It was only me and her growing up. Do I need to not invite her in for a tea? That would make me unhappy. Do I need to change and make myself unhappy so that he is happy. Why can’t he just accept how it is? Why is he so unhappy about me inviting her in for a tea.

I don’t want to change my relationship. I guess that means I’ll lose the relationship with my partner. But why should I change something that is mine not his - he says he wants to lay in his pants watching tv etc and can’t.

Am I being selfish? Or him? At this point I just don’t know anymore. TIa x

Just as well you have your mum. Your 'partner' is a selfish, useless, nasty, entitled waste of space.

Why can't you dump him? He doesn't bring anything positive to your life, and he's literally useless. His behaviour will be harming your dc too, especially your oldest.

The issue of your mother’s time around the home and your partner’s behavior are entirely separate.

His behavior is appalling. you don’t need to put up with that.

If you want that relationship with your mum and it brings you both happiness, don't let anyone tell you to change. From the sound of things your mum is a far more positive force in your life than your partner, so back the right horse.
The right partner for you would respect your mum and your relationship with her, especially given how much she contributes to the family by providing childcare for his children.

Does this disgusting man lay around in his filthy underpants in front of his daughter? Bin him, he is a horrible twat.

I was not unsympathetic your your partner's PoV (I'd lose my mind if my OH's family were constantly in my house, lovely though they are) until I read your latest update.

He sounds disengaged and burdensome. Is your partner the father of your children?

anyway he has said that he wants to get in from work and her not be here. She never outstays her welcome

Well, clearly she is outstaying her welcome, as the home you share with your partner is presumably as much his as yours.

Along with others, I wouldn't want my MiL hanging around my home on a regular basis either.
I wouldn't want her there when I got in from work. I wouldn't want her coming in for a cuppa after she has been to child's swimming lessons each week.
I get on fine with my MiL - but I still don't want other people making me feel like my home isn't mine so regularly.

Now he is out of work and home a lot more, presumably you don't need so much help with your kids, from your Mum ?

It would be interesting to hear his side of this.

Not much of one by the sounds of it

From reading your OP I would have said there needs to be compromise. Yes you’re close to your mum but I would hate to come home from work and someone from dh’s family was in my house 3 or 4 times a week. It’s not fair

however reading your updates he sounds like a selfish prick! Get rid!

Why are you with this absolute loser? Whilst I’d have some sympathy for him having your mum around all the time (I’ll confess, it would be too much for me too), that goes out the window after reading about what a lazy waste of space he is. Why the hell is he not looking after his own children??

The issue here is you have asked a question about how reasonable or not it is for your mother to be round your house so much when you don't like it.
But
The question is the wrong one, and some of the answers would be very different if people linked with your thread from a couple of weeks ago, asking about domestic abuse here

You need to look at the wider picture, not whether it is okay for your Mum to be at your house as much as she is. Your las thread puts a whole different light on it.

@Feelingvulnerable1992 Your mum sounds lovely but I do kind of see your partners point. Sometimes you do just want to come home from work and chill. To have your mother in law in the house every time you come home from work would probably get a bit annoying. In all honesty would you be ok with having a member of his family in the house as often as your mum is? Would be ok with having say your partners sibling there every time you came home from work? You shouldn’t stop having such a close relationship with your mum but I also think you need to respect its both your houses. Sounds like there may be other issues within the relationship but for the “your mum being in the house too much” part I do actually think he has a valid point.

Have a relationship without living together.

My Grandmother, turned up at our house virtually everyday. She would come at the time they had together. He worked nights and they had a 1 or 2 hours off just before school pick up. She was always there. She would come every Saturday too and we had to go there on a Sunday. I noticed it as a 10 year old.
We rarely got time just with parents and us with Grandma.
It is great to have a good relationship with your Mum but you are not married to her.
Find a compromise.
She needs a life of her own too

Should read without Grandma

OP Having read the post linked by @UsingChangeofName which was taken from AIBU a few weeks ago you definitely need to separate. He sounds horrible, both emotionally and physically abusive to you, your kids and your Mum. In that post you'd moved to your Mum's due to his explosive outburst of temper over something trivial, but you are obviously back with him now and he's continuing to be abusive. No wonder your poor Mum is so protective of you and the kids, she's probably worried sick. Please leave him, or if it's your house kick him out as soon as you can.

Bullshit.

She would be around a hell of a lot less if he pulled his weight as a father and a husband.

You need her help since he will happily watch golf while his baby is sitting in his own shit rather than take the 90 seconds it requires to change a nappy.

I think if I were your DM I'd grimly tolerate him for your sake too but it would make my fucking day if you turned up on my doorstep with the kids telling me you've binned him.

It really sounds like you ought to get shot of your DH if he's abusive as per your other thread.

He’s a cheeky bastard. He’s happy to benefit from all her domestic services and childcare but begrudges her a brew.

Why haven’t you thrown him out?

I wouldn’t wanna see MIL that much, it feels like you, DM and your DC are the family unit and he is surplus

that said, why is he out of work but still not watching his own kids? Maybe if he got off his arse and did a bit he may feel differently
having read your update that he can’t be trusted with them for more than an hour, I dunno why you’re with him.

He sounds terrible. Are you really happy with this man?
Your mum sounds lovely but the one question I would ask is what you mean by clashing in the past? If a couple of arguments/personality clashes is the height of it thats one thing, but if they've had a major fallout then I can understand how he wouldn't want her in the house.
All in all, he does sound a bit shit though.

Ditch the "D"P.
Keep the strong relationship you have with your Mum.

My ex used to pull a face about me having a good relationship with my parents, and would make little digs about it.

Truth is, he had a terrible relationship with his parents - and I also think he knew my Mum could see him for what he was.

He should be grateful that your mum is supporting the family like she is. And that she's making things easier for you, especially with your heart condition. It sounds to me like he's being selfish.

I think you said your mum is around 2 evenings each week? That's really not that much, considering all the help she's giving you. I'm sure he can do something else when you're having a cup of tea with her.

I would be appalled if my mil was there every night I got in from work and all day Saturday. Why does she need to come in for tea when she’s just spent time with you at a swimming lesson? It’s way too much. Saying that, your dp sounds like a total loser.

Mum's probably around as much as she can be because she's worried sick about her dd being with an abusive arsehole.