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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner doesn’t want my mother round our house

105 replies

Feelingvulnerable1992 · 13/08/2023 17:13

Hi everyone. This isn’t heart related but I’m having a really bad time in my relationship at the moment on top of my heart issues and I could do with some unbiased opinions.

My partner is out of work at the moment. Him and my mum have clashed in the past. I don’t think my mum particularly likes him but she tolerates him and things have been much nicer recently. However all of a sudden something has gone wrong with his job and everything my mum says he is taking out his moods on her. Suddenly saying I see her too much (she works 2 days a week, I work 2 days and she looks after our children those days - then on our day off we tend to see eachother as my partner usually would be at work and on a Saturday we mostly see eachother - that’s how our family has always been , we’re very close) I get some people don’t get that. But usually he would be at work some weekends etc too and when he isn’t he has a nice break or goes golf etc. anyway he has said that he wants to get in from work and her not be here. She never outstays her welcome - trust me after a day around my active kids she probably can’t wait to get home and chill!! She stays until he is back to make sure I have help as my children are young and hard work and I have my heart issues. He says I’m so needy of her and it’s so unattractive. He says she is always here (she isn’t) but for example if my son has a swimming lesson on a Thursday at 6pm she will come and watch with me and I’ll always ask her in for a cuppa before she goes back home. He says I shouldn’t do that.

I feel torn. I’m happy with how much I see my mum. I get it’s his house too but mostly we go out and surely he needs to understand we are really close. It was only me and her growing up. Do I need to not invite her in for a tea? That would make me unhappy. Do I need to change and make myself unhappy so that he is happy. Why can’t he just accept how it is? Why is he so unhappy about me inviting her in for a tea.

I don’t want to change my relationship. I guess that means I’ll lose the relationship with my partner. But why should I change something that is mine not his - he says he wants to lay in his pants watching tv etc and can’t.

Am I being selfish? Or him? At this point I just don’t know anymore. TIa x

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 13/08/2023 20:33

Keep your lovely and supportive mum and put your horrible, unemployed partner in the bin.

LardoBurrows · 13/08/2023 20:36

Your DP sounds like he is not making allowances for the close relationship between you and your Mum, the fact she provides free childcare for two days a week, or the fact that you have a heart condition, which your Mum is obviously concerned about and trying to make sure you are supported in his absence. Does the fuckwit acknowledge any of these facts?

Laurdo · 13/08/2023 20:36

At the moment, your mum is contributing more to your family than he is. He might see her as a threat because of this. That's totally his issue. He should be busy finding employment rather than lying about in his pants.

Seaoftroubles · 13/08/2023 20:41

So he doesn't want your Mum there as he wants to lie on the sofa (whilst he's out of work) in his pants?...what a Prince! Your Mum sounds lovely O.P, helpful and supportive. You and she clearly have a close and loving relationship which is so nice to read. Out of interest has your partner offered to look after the children whilst he's not working?

Ponderingwindow · 13/08/2023 20:42

Having other people, even close family, in my house 3 or 4 times a week would drive me crazy. It would be especially hard if I couldn’t predict when it would be happening. Admittedly I have ASD and am a pretty extreme introvert, but it would seriously impact my mental health. So I am naturally inclined to be sympathetic to someone who just wants to be able to relax in their own home and not have to be in performance mode.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 13/08/2023 20:44

It sounds like you and your mum have a great relationship

The only point I do agree with him on is that it would drive me absolutely crazy if my FIL was in the house every day when I got home from work.

2Rebecca · 13/08/2023 20:53

I would hate to have someone else in my house that much specially someone who just tolerates me. If your partner is currently unemployed can't he look after his children?

Spin66 · 13/08/2023 21:43

SweetAndSourChick3n · Today 20:44

Well , perhaps the DP, needs to work out how to look after his own!

The only point I do agree with him on is that it would drive me absolutely crazy if my FIL was in the house every day when I got home from work.

OP has not said every day! 🙄🥹

Spin66 · 13/08/2023 21:44

That was meant to be a"quote"

Original poster
Feelingvulnerable1992 · 13/08/2023 21:56

Seaoftroubles · 13/08/2023 20:41

So he doesn't want your Mum there as he wants to lie on the sofa (whilst he's out of work) in his pants?...what a Prince! Your Mum sounds lovely O.P, helpful and supportive. You and she clearly have a close and loving relationship which is so nice to read. Out of interest has your partner offered to look after the children whilst he's not working?

He hasn’t. He sometimes gets up with them early in the mornings if I am fatigued (due to my condition) but all he does is moan at them and watch golf on his phone. He didn’t change my son’s nappy until I prompted him and he hadn’t done them fresh drinks as he couldn’t ‘find’ their cups. So I wouldn’t leave them with him for more than an hour and whilst I’m only upstairs anyway. He is snappy to my eldest too. Says she is spoilt (she isn’t) and that he can’t stand her (when she is being a child and playing up - mostly out of boredom due to the holidays!)

he has his good days but tonight is the final straw when he slated my mum as he overheard her say that he had left his clothes pile on the bed again. She was speaking to me and we had literally just tidied the whole room the day before because I have a procedure and wanted me comfortable when back from the hospital. I despise him as he gets so angry and nasty and has a vile temper. If he over hears one comment he snaps get out of my house etc.

OP posts:
Avabarth · 13/08/2023 22:09

I take back what I said OP. He sounds vile. Good job you have your mum. Can you go live with her? She sounds much more supportive than he'll ever be.

Stomacharmeleon · 13/08/2023 23:32

Aren't you the poster who's mum calls her every morning and your the last person to speak to her at night too?
And he has the hump about that?

You know the issue with him is your closeness with your mum. I thought your relationship was finished last time?

Finlesswonder · 13/08/2023 23:36

Sorry as great as your mum sounds I would find it annoying as fuck to come home and find my MIL chilling in my house several times a week.

I'm team DP

readbooksdrinktea · 13/08/2023 23:38

He might be awful, but I wouldn't anyone in my house that much.

readbooksdrinktea · 13/08/2023 23:40

he overheard her say that he had left his clothes pile on the bed again.

Don't see why this is so bad. He lives there? If he's a shit partner get rid of him, though.

TLDRfuckers · 13/08/2023 23:45

Your partner is a lazy jealous twat. No wonder he hates your mum seeing him for who he is.

Runnerinthenight · 13/08/2023 23:48

EAP · 13/08/2023 19:23

You man is your future so you need to stand by him.

OMFG!!

Runnerinthenight · 13/08/2023 23:50

Feelingvulnerable1992 · 13/08/2023 21:56

He hasn’t. He sometimes gets up with them early in the mornings if I am fatigued (due to my condition) but all he does is moan at them and watch golf on his phone. He didn’t change my son’s nappy until I prompted him and he hadn’t done them fresh drinks as he couldn’t ‘find’ their cups. So I wouldn’t leave them with him for more than an hour and whilst I’m only upstairs anyway. He is snappy to my eldest too. Says she is spoilt (she isn’t) and that he can’t stand her (when she is being a child and playing up - mostly out of boredom due to the holidays!)

he has his good days but tonight is the final straw when he slated my mum as he overheard her say that he had left his clothes pile on the bed again. She was speaking to me and we had literally just tidied the whole room the day before because I have a procedure and wanted me comfortable when back from the hospital. I despise him as he gets so angry and nasty and has a vile temper. If he over hears one comment he snaps get out of my house etc.

Show quote history

Get rid!! He's a useless POS.

Are you seriously tolerating a 'man' (using the term loosely!) who can't stand your child???

BitOutOfPractice · 13/08/2023 23:52

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 13/08/2023 20:12

My dm was a terrible dm but one tip she told me was to be gone before the dh came home. Nobody wants to get back to guests after a day's work..

Except he’s not working!

PickAChew · 13/08/2023 23:52

If this man was my future I'd live in the past.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/08/2023 23:53

Ugh the more you say, the worse he sounds. What’s he even for op?

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 13/08/2023 23:58

You've just said you despise him
He's a slob
Out of work
An unfit parent
And rude to your mum

Plus more I'm sure

You are getting a rare LTB from me
You already know that, honestly you'll be better off 💯

2Rebecca · 14/08/2023 00:02

Is your partner the father of your children? He sounds awful but if my MIL was in my house that much and commenting on my clothes I'd hate it. Ditch the man but your mum needs her own life.

Thelonelygiraffe · 14/08/2023 00:23

he says he wants to lay in his pants watching tv etc and can’t.

Lovely.... 🙄 who does that??

He sounds awful. You're lucky to have your mum.

LardoBurrows · 14/08/2023 00:41

Oh God, after your latest post Op, I say you should really consider dumping him. He says that he "cannot stand" his own daughter, doesn't change his child's nappy or give his Dc drinks unless prompted, I mean WTF. He doesn't have a job, can't be trusted looking after his own DC for more than an hour without supervision and just wants to lie around in his grubby underpants and watch golf on his phone. Does he have any redeeming qualities?