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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner doesn’t want my mother round our house

105 replies

Feelingvulnerable1992 · 13/08/2023 17:13

Hi everyone. This isn’t heart related but I’m having a really bad time in my relationship at the moment on top of my heart issues and I could do with some unbiased opinions.

My partner is out of work at the moment. Him and my mum have clashed in the past. I don’t think my mum particularly likes him but she tolerates him and things have been much nicer recently. However all of a sudden something has gone wrong with his job and everything my mum says he is taking out his moods on her. Suddenly saying I see her too much (she works 2 days a week, I work 2 days and she looks after our children those days - then on our day off we tend to see eachother as my partner usually would be at work and on a Saturday we mostly see eachother - that’s how our family has always been , we’re very close) I get some people don’t get that. But usually he would be at work some weekends etc too and when he isn’t he has a nice break or goes golf etc. anyway he has said that he wants to get in from work and her not be here. She never outstays her welcome - trust me after a day around my active kids she probably can’t wait to get home and chill!! She stays until he is back to make sure I have help as my children are young and hard work and I have my heart issues. He says I’m so needy of her and it’s so unattractive. He says she is always here (she isn’t) but for example if my son has a swimming lesson on a Thursday at 6pm she will come and watch with me and I’ll always ask her in for a cuppa before she goes back home. He says I shouldn’t do that.

I feel torn. I’m happy with how much I see my mum. I get it’s his house too but mostly we go out and surely he needs to understand we are really close. It was only me and her growing up. Do I need to not invite her in for a tea? That would make me unhappy. Do I need to change and make myself unhappy so that he is happy. Why can’t he just accept how it is? Why is he so unhappy about me inviting her in for a tea.

I don’t want to change my relationship. I guess that means I’ll lose the relationship with my partner. But why should I change something that is mine not his - he says he wants to lay in his pants watching tv etc and can’t.

Am I being selfish? Or him? At this point I just don’t know anymore. TIa x

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/08/2023 02:34

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 13/08/2023 23:58

You've just said you despise him
He's a slob
Out of work
An unfit parent
And rude to your mum

Plus more I'm sure

You are getting a rare LTB from me
You already know that, honestly you'll be better off 💯

Agree. Why the hell are you with him?

Valeriekat · 14/08/2023 06:51

If he wants to"lay in his pants watching tv" he is utterly gross! Who does that?
If he wants to lol around in his underwear he should do it in the bedroom.
You have every right to invite your Mum in for a cuppa and he is being ridiculous.

Valeriekat · 14/08/2023 06:51

LTB

Dotcheck · 14/08/2023 06:56

EAP · 13/08/2023 19:23

You man is your future so you need to stand by him.

🤮
🙄

Cornishclio · 14/08/2023 07:04

So he is out of work, lazy, rude to your mum and bad tempered.

No I would not see your mum less. Tell him to go out and get a job if he doesn't want to see so much of her. She is useful whereas he just sounds like a giant PITA. Does this upset your mum or does she know what he is like? That is the only way I would change the dynamic and spend more time at hers is if his rudeness upsets her.

momonpurpose · 14/08/2023 07:04

Finlesswonder · 13/08/2023 23:36

Sorry as great as your mum sounds I would find it annoying as fuck to come home and find my MIL chilling in my house several times a week.

I'm team DP

It would drive me nuts too

Divebar2021 · 14/08/2023 07:08

Your partner sounds vile OP but it also sounds like your DM is there a lot. I think if your Post was about your MIL being at the house ( how many days is it? Days off as well as work days?) then the answers would be different. They don’t like each other …. You know they don’t like each other. If you’ve spent all day with your mum it might be prudent to not invite her in for tea at 6pm when the other person who lives there is due in. I’m not saying you don’t see her and it seems her dislike of him is valid but any future relationships might struggle with this too. It sounds suffocating.

CapEBarra · 14/08/2023 07:13

EAP · 13/08/2023 19:23

You man is your future so you need to stand by him.

Not when he’s being a twat.

boobot1 · 14/08/2023 07:14

To be honest it would be too much for me too. It is way too much imo.I would hate it. Im close to my mum too, but I do not revolve my life around her. I see her once a week and the odd phone call, but I like my space. Not everyone is the same.

DorasDog · 14/08/2023 07:21

There might be legitimate reasons why she doesn’t like him, can you shed any more little on that?

On the other hand, your DM is there a LOT. Two days when she gets in from work as those are her childcare days, another when you spend your day off together, sometimes another evening if she pops in after a swimming lesson… plus on a Saturday too!

I would absolutely hate to find my MIL, or any other guest, repeatedly in my home when I got back from work.

You say that she doesn’t overstay her welcome, but actually she does, because he doesn’t want her there! You are just doing what suits you.

Is there any truth in what he says about you being very dependent on her? Are you genuinely unable to look after your DC on your own, due to health needs? (As that puts a different slant on her needing to stay for longer).

He might be an awful partner, but even if he was a decent one then I think he would have the right to speak up about his MIL hanging around in your house all the time.

DorasDog · 14/08/2023 07:21

*he gets in from work

MintJulia · 14/08/2023 07:22

I would find four days a week quite intrusive too. But then I wouldn't have got that far into a relationship before I raised it.

There are some times you just need to be able to relax and I guess redundancy is your oh's tipping point.

Surely the answer is he does more childcare while he is out of work meaning your mum needs to be there two days less.

But I wouldn't want anyone lying around in their pants 😕

Cosycatz · 14/08/2023 07:22

There are two separate issues for me here. The situation with your Mum could be intense for any partner. It is great to see your Mum frequently and you should definitely continue to do that but her being in yours so regularly could seem intrusive to any partner. However the absolute key abiding issue here is your ‘P’ is a complete arse. Really bad. Not one I’d be holding onto personally if I had the level of family support you have.

historyrepeatz · 14/08/2023 07:26

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your lovely supportive mum which he would hardly notice if he were at work. I think it would be a bit shit to have her looking after the kids all day and boot her out the door as quick as possible to make him happy. With your condition would you be able to drop off and pick up kids from hers?

I completely get that other people wouldn't want to come home to their MIL but your situation is different. I wouldn't want to come home to MIL but my DH would have had no problem with my DM being around as much as yours, she did so much for us looking after our kids whilst we worked and DM adored DH for how he was with us and her.

What does he do now he's at home? You have a heart condition, small children and procedures lined up. Your mum is trying to lighten your load and make things easier and less stressful and he's acting like a baby. He doesn't want a witness to how he is. If it's a choice you know which ones a keeper.

MintJulia · 14/08/2023 07:29

I just reread your second post. He's lazy, selfish and nasty of the dcs. You clearly don't like him.

Why do you stay ?

Gh12345 · 14/08/2023 07:29

Unfortunately it’s very manipulative and borderline abusive to try and push you and your mum apart. Even if he doesn’t like her, he absolutely should not try and get you to see her less

Busubaba · 14/08/2023 07:33

How awful to begrudge you and your children a lovely relationship with your mother.

From your description it sounds as if your mother is mindful not to outstay her welcome and gives excellent support to you and your children.

If he doesn't shut up he can leave.

flexigirl · 14/08/2023 07:34

Move back in with your mom he sounds bloody awful

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 07:42

He sounds gross OP what do you see in him?

Tourmalines · 14/08/2023 08:02

He sounds awful by what you say regarding his interaction with his kids . But I can see his point with MIL being there so often . They don’t really get on and he knows she only tolerates him . How many DILs would like their FiLs there so often on a routine every week . I’m not talking about the babysitting days .

Frogmila · 14/08/2023 08:06

Your mum sounds extremely helpful and he sounds a bit of a dolt however she is around a lot. 4 days a week including a whole saturday? I wouldn't begrudge my DP a close relationship but I'm not from a close family and I would find that much presence in our lives and home very overwhelming.

It's a bit different as you're experiencing health issues so need as much support as possible but I do see his point if they don't see eye to eye. The reason for that may be pertinent.

Talk about this with him. Also his job seeking plans. All I'm saying is take his views on board, it's his home too and people have different ideas about family.

BackAgainstWall · 14/08/2023 09:14

Your mum sounds wonderful and you and your DCs are so lucky to have her and her support.

She’s very valuable to you and of course you can’t and shouldn’t ever stop letting her come in for a coffee after you’ve been swimming etc.

He is causing you a lot of unnecessary stress which won’t be good for your heart condition and that is disgusting very self-centred behaviour.

I think you need to stand your ground on this also because of your health.

He needs to acknowledge her value to you and in-turn him and start to show some respect to both of you.

If he doesn’t, he’s the one that needs to go.

Busubaba · 14/08/2023 09:32

Yes the mum is there a lot but the circumstances are different to other families because the op has a heart condition and the husband is a useless lump.

If mum wasn't there helping around the home and giving emotional support as well as physical support then the op may struggle and fall seriously ill through stress of keeping on top of it all by herself.

Saying you wouldn't like a guest there as much is meaningless as you or your partner don't have a heart condition so you are not in the same situation.

Your husband is a tiresome, unpleasant slob.

blahblahblah1654 · 14/08/2023 09:39

Finlesswonder · 13/08/2023 23:36

Sorry as great as your mum sounds I would find it annoying as fuck to come home and find my MIL chilling in my house several times a week.

I'm team DP

Not the same as the OP is very unwell. She needs help as her husband is a useless turd who wants to sit in his pants watching tv all day. Her mum isn't just chilling out all day.

LadyBird1973 · 14/08/2023 09:53

If he wants your mum to be there less, then he needs to do more and pick up the slack. She's only there because the useless fucking man child you've shacked up with is awful to your children and is a lazy git!

Ditch him and keep your mum - both you and your kids will be a thousand times better off!