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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has an Online Dating Account

122 replies

Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 19:48

I’ve just discovered that my husband has got an account on Match.com seemingly set up late June this year. He’s put a fake name, pic, age, saying he is from the next town over from us & states he is single. There is one conversation on there that I can’t see as the other person has deactivated her account. I can see all the girls he has “liked” they are in our surrounding area. They are all a bit younger than me but I must say they just look like normal women. Sounds stupid but, why am I not good enough. I guess if they were all gorgeous models I could then feel like frump etc but they are just normal women 😢. Not that it makes it any better. Im quite devastated. I thought we were happy. He doesn’t know I know yet & I want to be strategic. Any pointers on how I can approach this? Thanks

OP posts:
Mensuckbigtime · 12/08/2023 20:01

Hey, so.sorey you're going through this.

Do you think you could forgive him?

Did.you take screenshot of his OLD profile?

If not, then I'd try and get some proof.before confronting him, so he can't deny it.

I think I would definitely want to confront him.
If yiu have children, do it when they are away.

If you think you can't stay with him
Solicitor
Pictures of all finance stuff

How awful! I really feel for you!

Take care

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/08/2023 20:05

What a twat he is.

I would consider making my own false profile in this situation. Or I might ask a friend to do it, set up a date, and then turn up and surprise him. But I’ve never done anything like that in real life so maybe there are flaws to this plan that I haven’t considered.

JessieLongleg · 12/08/2023 20:08

I guessed some of them are married. As the times they contact you. Like just after work or late at night, never called me in the evening. Sorry this has happened to you.

Original poster
Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 20:10

I’ve got screenshots of everything. He will realise somethings up when he realises I’ve changed the password to his OLD account & he can’t get in (until he changes it back). Well he won’t know it was me for sure until I confront him. We have kids and been together 20 years. His way is to minimise & try to make things out to be innocent & when he can’t he will tell me it’s my fault. How do I confront him? I don’t really want to split but I refuse to be lied to & cheated on or have him schmoozing other women.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 12/08/2023 20:10

Chuck him out and tell him he is free to use his account whenever he wants now

Mensuckbigtime · 12/08/2023 20:15

Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 20:10

I’ve got screenshots of everything. He will realise somethings up when he realises I’ve changed the password to his OLD account & he can’t get in (until he changes it back). Well he won’t know it was me for sure until I confront him. We have kids and been together 20 years. His way is to minimise & try to make things out to be innocent & when he can’t he will tell me it’s my fault. How do I confront him? I don’t really want to split but I refuse to be lied to & cheated on or have him schmoozing other women.

Maybe check his WhatsApp messages or any.other messaging services on his phone if you can
Just to see if anything else has gone on...

I think you need to confront him sooner rather than later.
Your probably won't be able to hide that somethings up

When I confronted STBXH, I just said

When were you going to tell.me that you've had an affair with...?!

He denied it, then said they hadn't had sex (obviously a lie), then went on to tell me it was my fault...

Be prepared for things to get nasty

It's a really shitty situation to be in.

Allicando · 12/08/2023 20:25

This happened to me last year. I found mine had signed up saying he was single and looking to meet women, he was very much married. I took a screenshot of his profile page whilst he was at work and asked WTF he would do this to me of course he tried to weasel his way out of it and somehow it was my fault. We have gone back and forth over the last year but it has ultimately ended our marriage. I wouldn't trust the lying shit bag as far as I could throw him, I became angry and insecure and realised it was no way to live. I also found it the biggest turnoff that he was sleazy enough to do this (a 56 year old man). He is most offended that I ended it because it happened last year and he didn't even chat to anybody (not that I will ever know the full story) I am in the wrong for not getting over it. I have to say a few months on and I feel like a different person, free and happy. He on the other hand is back on Match, good luck ladies you are welcome to him 😂

Allicando · 12/08/2023 20:28

Sounds stupid but, why am I not good enough

See this is how I felt and it destroyed my confidence in myself. I will never let another man make me feel like this. You are good enough, it is him that is not. Any decent person in a committed relationship wouldn't even think to go sniffing around other people. Yes he will feed you a bullshit story, it is up to you where you go from here but for me I just couldn't even look at him in the same way again.

Busubaba · 12/08/2023 20:41

You are more than good enough.

He's just a sleazy dirt bag cheat.

Instead of thinking why aren't you good enough you should be thinking why isn't he good enough, because he isn't.

He could have done the decent thing and split up with you if for whatever reason he fell out of love with you but instead chose the nasty, deceptive path of cheating and lying.

WunWun · 12/08/2023 20:45

Why don't you want to split up with him? You see that he wants to cheat on you or already has.

What's the point of confronting him if you're wanting to carry on as usual?

The best way to approach this would be to tell him you've seen that he's on Match contacting women and that you want to split up and don't bother listening to any of the bullshit excuses that he will definitely give you

Original poster
Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 21:05

I guess I just feel that I will be turning my kids lives upside down if I was to end it. That old chestnut. I really do love him as well. Obviously he doesn’t love me the same. @Allicando how did you confront yours in the end? How could he throw it all away like this. I can’t stand by & let him disrespect me like this, he is forcing my hand. I would have been with him forever. We had built a nice life & now I guess I will end up on the poverty line while he flourishes as it’s his career we’ve nurtured & I’ve been a stay at home mum. I feel like such a mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 21:09

@WunWun im scared of confronting him because when I do, I don’t think there is anything he can say to me that can make it right. I’m scared to split up because I was happy with our life. But I cant be a mug. I can’t turn a blind eye. I know I’ve got to confront him. This is a nightmare.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 12/08/2023 21:21

Keep the evidence, tuck it away and don’t confront him, yet!
Bide your time. Keep your antennae up and be vigilant. Gather more evidence and confront him when you’re calmer. Do what you can to keep tabs on him. Be careful if u do find out he’s actually met up with someone that he doesn't bring infection to your matrimonial bed. Play the long game. Information is power.
(I’m a long game player.)

If he’s on one site for sure he will be getting advertising & messaging from other sites.
They’re all in it together. He will have to work hard to stop the one he’s on at the moment because they will be nagging him when his subscription runs out. They are relentless. Popping up in emails, drawing the punter in with inducements all the time.

Alternatively make a plan and confront him straight away but brace yourself for the fall out. Think about how you will handle the consequence & what you want to get out of the confrontation.

Your scenario is gut wrenching. The dating sites are like hyenas. Once they get their claws into a subscriber they can be relentless, always in the background, popping up months afterwards.

You’re in a terrible situation. I’m so sorry.

WunWun · 12/08/2023 21:27

You don't need to gather evidence at all. There is no need. You've seen what he's doing. That's enough. You don't have to prove it to a court, or to him. You've already seen it and you know there is no excuse.

Mensuckbigtime · 12/08/2023 21:29

Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 21:05

I guess I just feel that I will be turning my kids lives upside down if I was to end it. That old chestnut. I really do love him as well. Obviously he doesn’t love me the same. @Allicando how did you confront yours in the end? How could he throw it all away like this. I can’t stand by & let him disrespect me like this, he is forcing my hand. I would have been with him forever. We had built a nice life & now I guess I will end up on the poverty line while he flourishes as it’s his career we’ve nurtured & I’ve been a stay at home mum. I feel like such a mug.

Please try to not feel.like a mug.

Your only "mistake" was to trust the man you've been eith for two decades, thr father of your children.

That doesn't make you a mug, it makes you a loving, caring and decent human being.

He betrayed your trust, he's the mug

Busubaba · 12/08/2023 21:30

If your children ever discovered that you had forgiven him they may think less of you than if you refuse to be treated like this.

Strength at a time like this is hard but you have given birth, you have raised children, you have kept a home, you are stronger than you think.

glasgowlass · 12/08/2023 21:34

You do not need to gather evidence, you've seen enough with your own eyes.

He will try to weasel out of it, be prepared for every excuse under the sun & most likely some gaslightling too.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

You deserve better.

Allicando · 13/08/2023 07:18

I took a screen shot of his profile and sent it to him. TBH there was no way I could have not confronted him immediately, I was raging! He was at work and obviously shat himself. He really didn't see it as such a big deal and downplayed it, for me he may as well had a full blown affair - that was where it was leading I presumed. We tried to piece it back together, had counselling, had months apart then tried again but something had shifted in my head and I was angry that he would even look. In the end I became toxic and hated the way the relationship made me feel. Now it is a relief not to be in it and second guessing him but we didn't have kids (second marriage) and so it was far easier to split. I am sure you will find the same, that nagging feeling of what is he doing? Who is he looking at / talking to? Why am I not enough? For me splitting has been worth the peace of mind.

Allicando · 13/08/2023 07:26

WunWun · 12/08/2023 21:27

You don't need to gather evidence at all. There is no need. You've seen what he's doing. That's enough. You don't have to prove it to a court, or to him. You've already seen it and you know there is no excuse.

Exactly this? What more evidence do you need? That he actually sticks his penis in another woman? Is what he has done now not enough of a betrayal? For me it was, for all I know my stbxh only signed up the night before and never ever spoke to another woman. The fact that he even thought to look is enough to know his head was not fully in our marriage, that he needs to be sniffing around other women - no thanks. The laughable thing is when we split and he didn't want to he was insistent that he took his marriage seriously and that he would not just throw it away like I was doing.....Oh the irony.

Op only you can decide where your boundaries lie all I know is that despite loving the bones of mine love was not enough to make me feel safe and secure in my marriage. Time told me this and it was agony for a year going back and forth but now I feel peace.

Original poster
Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 07:30

Thanks everyone. I do deserve better. I’ve been a loyal wife all these years and dedicated my life to the family. I’ve supported his career. He puts across the persona of being a loyal husband but if I search my soul, I’ve never really whole heartedly trusted him. He broke my heart 10 years ago when I found emails to a woman at his work & he weaselled out of that as I’d just had a baby and was feeling raw but I’ve always had suspicions that he’s got a roving eye. He denies it of course. I’ve always felt that if I looked hard enough for evidence that he isn’t loyal, I would find it and guess what, I always do. He did it again a couple of years back, texting a woman at work. When confronted he said it was because she was the only one he got on with in a den of snakes but nothing happened, he was trying to keep her sweet at work. I think he runs on flattery so when he gets attention he isn’t strong enough to say no. What’s hard is that he is super good looking and charismatic. Women’s heads turn when he walks in. I’m average at best. I think he chose me because I was good “mother” material and he had a child by his ex when we met whom I accepted, loved and did loads of childcare for (again, what a mug)I don’t know if he’s ever had sex with anyone else since we’ve been together but I know he speaks sweet words to other women & isn’t a loyal character. I’ve tried to console myself with it’s just words, he needs flattery. Why oh why oh why!

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 13/08/2023 07:34

Because a lot of men just think/care about their stupid dicks and nothing for their loyal, loving wives. You don't deserve this op.

Howdoyouknowwhitney · 13/08/2023 07:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ZebraD · 13/08/2023 07:37

Awww feel quite sad for you. Be strong x

Buildingthefuture · 13/08/2023 07:42

Op, this is absolutely nothing to do with you!! The insecure man babies who do this are just desperate for attention and validation, from anywhere. Nothing you could have done would have stopped him doing this. He is weak, insecure and frankly pathetic. That’s on him, not you. I am usually of the opinion that most things can be worked through but, in his case, this is a pattern of behaviour that has been going on for years. Unless he suddenly wakes up to the fact that he has some major issues and has behaved utterly appallingly to you for years, I think your only choice would be to get rid.

Ladybug14 · 13/08/2023 07:47

""" I don’t really want to split but I refuse to be lied to & cheated on or have him schmoozing other women."""

You can't stop him lying and cheating. You can ask him to stop, but he likely won't

Once he realises that you'll get angry but that you don't want to split up, he'll just carry on regardless

Its who he is