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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has an Online Dating Account

122 replies

Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 19:48

I’ve just discovered that my husband has got an account on Match.com seemingly set up late June this year. He’s put a fake name, pic, age, saying he is from the next town over from us & states he is single. There is one conversation on there that I can’t see as the other person has deactivated her account. I can see all the girls he has “liked” they are in our surrounding area. They are all a bit younger than me but I must say they just look like normal women. Sounds stupid but, why am I not good enough. I guess if they were all gorgeous models I could then feel like frump etc but they are just normal women 😢. Not that it makes it any better. Im quite devastated. I thought we were happy. He doesn’t know I know yet & I want to be strategic. Any pointers on how I can approach this? Thanks

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/08/2023 09:12

Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 07:48

I think you should confront him, but before you do, you need to decide what you want. If you want the relationship to end because he has been unfaithful more than once (flirting via text and setting up dating profiles is bad enough, even if he hasn't actually had sex with anyone else) then you need to prepare yourself to tell him that and then take action. But if you want to stay in the relationship and for him to admit what he's done and be sorry for it (and never do it again) you need to say that to him instead. Otherwise all he'll do is deny and minimise - his goal will be to shut you up so he can carry on doing whatever he wants.

But you need to decide what YOU want first.

I agree with this.

Unfortunately flirtation (at least) elsewhere seems to be his go to ego boost that he keeps coming back to over the years, it's his personality not a blip. Even if you get a 'I'm sorry I promise I'll stop' it unlikely he'll stop forever given his track record. It's nothing you've done, some men are just like this and would be better suited to open relationships than traditional marriages if they could only be brave enough to admit it.

You need to think about if you want to stay in this relationship or not given all you know. I couldn't, but perhaps you can given you've turned a blind eye before, or perhaps you though before was a one off but now you know it's not,

You don't have power to change his personality but you can decide what you do next with the rest of your life.

(I'd also be tempted to message every woman he's messaging saying 'this is his wife he's married' but that's a side issue).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/08/2023 09:13

Busubaba · 13/08/2023 07:50

From his track record this is just a way of life for him.

The sweet wife at home he presents to the world as his adored partner but all the while seeking pleasure from other women.

His ego needs constant feeding and he will never change .

Yes like he has a Madonna whore complex

He sounds like most politicians

Livinghappy · 13/08/2023 09:16

I would recommend getting some control over the finances...know what the money situation is. His income, pension, savings, house equity. I

Build a (secret) spreadsheet so you can feel reassured. The reality of poverty line isn't likely but only facts on the finances will reassure you. 50% is likely indeed you could get more.

Start to build a life outside of the home - if children are school age, look for opportunities to gain work experience, if you did nursing then is a return to nursing possible?

Use this discovery as a wake up to get some power back so that you feel you have choices.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/08/2023 09:17

Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:17

@Busubaba you’ve hit the nail on the head. It does seem like no matter how many compliments I give, no matter how much sex I give, no matter how much flattery and attention I give and I’ve given a lot, my constant attention etc, he always needs it from someone else hidden in the back ground. I’m trying to get my head together so forgive the stupid question but… if it was just words, flattery from others because he needs it so constantly, could my marriage still work if I don’t look? Now I hate myself for lowering my expectations and self worth to the floor for a man who seems to love me but has a hidden need I just can’t sate no matter what I do. All I wanted was to be loved.

I think you need an attitude shift before you speak with him. Channel 'I'm a great catch what are you doing disrespecting me I'm not sure I want you now' rather than 'please let me enough for you I want to be all you need'

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/08/2023 09:18

Solonomi · 13/08/2023 08:27

Honestly I would tell him I know but that it’s fine, you are going to do the same (even if you don’t). I’m going against the grain here but it sounds like you have a great lifestyle- I would tell him going forward you want access to all bank accounts and money. That you want half in your own account. Go to a solicitor and get advice on what your life will be like financially if you divorce. You may not be as bad off as you think. Tell him if he doesn’t give you access to all financials that you will divorce him and get more than half anyway, including his pension. Kick him in the balls financially OP and then take your time to make a decision about whether to stay. Do not allow him to keep you away from access to what us also YOUR money. Get legal advice. Tell him he can go on dating sites but so wil you. He will CRAP himself.

This is good advice

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/08/2023 09:19

Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:34

@Dotcheck no I’m a stay at home mum. I could never earn enough to sustain me and the kids now. I’ve got no skills and we decided years ago to take traditional roles for the family.

Which would put you in a great position for divorce settlements please talk to a lawyer

Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 09:35

The debate about what is cheating and what isn't cheating is always barking up the wrong tree in my opinion. Any behaviour that disrespects the status of the relationship and hurts the other person by being secretive or lying about contact with other people that could be romantic interests should be avoided. If a person cares more about getting attention or validation from outside the relationship than they do about the relationship itself then this is a huge red flag and needs to be addressed - which can include that person saying 'I want more romantic attention from you' (a totally valid request). And they should care that their behaviour has hurt you, even if they didn't actually kiss or have sex with someone else. Setting up an online dating profile and 'shopping' for other women is in that category.

Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 09:43

I agree with PPs though that for some people (probably men in particular) no matter what they do, they will never stop shopping for other women. The high of meeting someone new and flirting is like an addiction. A 20-year marriage will always be dull for them, no matter what you do to spice things up and keep things interesting for them. In which case you either a) End the marriage because you don't want to be disrespected any more or b) Choose to turn a blind eye to their behaviour and carry on pretending everything is okay.

FilthyBeast · 13/08/2023 09:51

Some men are a bottomless pit for attention. They need constant, new and varied validation by many different people. There are people with lovely partners who cheat and there are people with absolutely horrific partners but they remain loyal. This isn't about you, cheating is a decision taken by the cheater's moral compass or lack of. It's not because you let yourself go or didn't give him enough sex, you could do anything and everything and a man could cheat on you and it's not necessarily because the other woman is better or hotter, he does because he can.

I think focus on what you want, if you want to stay for stability and finances you need to make peace with this otherwise make a plan so you can afford to separate or consider an open relationship. All options suck but you need to be realistic. Sorry you're going through this x

NotAgainBrian · 13/08/2023 09:58

I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through similar, my husband was on a hook up site chatting to women about meeting for sex. Said he was looking for a 'no strings regular arrangement'. Meanwhile I was the idiot that did everything for him, we had regular sex, I was a bloody fantastic wife if I do say so myself.

I had a mate who I knew had a profile on there so I got her to message him and he fell for it. They were messaging back and forth and he was suggesting specific dates to meet. She suggested arranging a date then me turning up instead, but in the end I couldn't do it as I was too angry to act normal around him. I wish now that I had because he swore blind it was just chatting for a bit of attention and he would never have met anyone.

Anyway. Even after all that, I still took him back and tried to make it work. I was like you, I was devastated and I was just determined to keep my family together, didn't want to break my kids hearts etc. But honestly you'll never look at him the same way again. Yours has done this before so he knows now he can keep doing it and getting away with it, so I can pretty much guarantee you he'll keep doing it. This will be your life if you stay, you'll always be wondering where is he and what's he up to. In the end it was too much for me. I was terrified of being a single mum and dont get me wrong, at first it was horrible and I dreaded being alone in the house but once you get through the first few weeks it's ok. I'm so much happier now. I think trying to make it work as long as we did was actually worse for the kids. As much as you think you're hiding it from them, they pick up on more than you think and they'll know something isn't right. I decided I wanted to teach my kids that you don't have to put up with being treated that way. You are stronger than you think you are.

Original poster
Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 10:26

Just thank you so so much everyone for the stellar advice. It’s really made me feel better & think about things from other angles. In the past I’ve been an open book. When I’ve found things I’ve just blown up straight away unable to hold back, raw hurt & emotion. When I look back it kind of gave him the chance to gaslight me and minimise and I lost the ability to build more evidence. My decision right now is I’m going to keep my mouth closed and keep a check on what’s going on, see if he keeps liking or messaging new women on there. I’m not going to let on that I know so that I can get advice and start to get my shit together looking at the financials. He will always be like this, I know he will always be messaging, emailing etc other women and right now I think I need to focus on understanding where I stand financially. If indeed it ends at some point, it will be on him but if it does I want to be in a better position for me and the kids. If I ever see any evidence of a meet up etc it will be over. I think because so far it’s only ever been texts, emails, words (I don’t know for sure it’s only been this) I’ve stayed and tried to make a go of it, if I ever find out he has touched, kissed or had sex with someone else that would be it for me.

OP posts:
WunWun · 13/08/2023 11:12

I think you're massively making the wrong decision and wasting your life. He doesn't respect you at all. You're going to live your life wondering and might never get any solid evidence that he's had sex with someone.

This is just being a wimp and not wanting to rock the boat. You're making an excuse for yourself to not do anything.

Takeabreather23 · 13/08/2023 11:33

OP if you are a regular on mumsnet and read threads similar to yours then you know what to do even if it’s just in the back ground .

Don’t mention to him any of it but do book an app with a solicitor . You are entitled to half of everything , half the house , half the savings. Your entitled to maintenance payments ( he has a good job that keeps you all ) so these will be a decent amount each month .

Get a job when he asks why say it’s time to do stuff for you out with the house .
start saving . They when your ready to make the next step and leave apply for UC and get your Maintenance claim in too. TelL him your staying there until the house is sold but you are no longer committed to him and will
be getting divorced .

Honestly though you are with him for his looks !
Because he does NOT love you.
There is more to a person than looks he is scum bag and I wouldn’t touch this type of person with a barge pole and no decent women would . He has you exactly where he wants you, at home knowing what your doing while he does what the hell he likes. Guaranteed he’s slept around already if he that good looking why would be just talk and look for 10 years when he can have the real deal and knows fine little wifey will just put up and shut up as he’s that amazing! Harsh but true !

So sorry . You are better You deserve better .
You don’t need to live in poverty and he has to step up as a parent too. Mine last thing I’d feel sorry for the next person he got with as they too won’t be able to be truly happy or sleep at night for worrying .

You can move on to a life with someone who has your back instead of sneaking around behind it.

Please get your head around thinking of leaving instead of turning a blind eye for the rest of your life .

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/08/2023 11:43

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I was married to somebody like this. So many affairs, even my friends were fair game to him, and family members. There was something very wrong with him. Nothing I did would have made a difference. He left for the last OW who somehow believes he won't do it to her but he will and I know he has already.

I guess it's whether you can live with it, knowing he's cheating and putting your sexual health at risk. I would absolutely go and get yourself tested. You need some decent legal advice and to get your ducks in a row in terms of what you could earn, what child maintenance he will pay and what kind of settlement you would get. Also if you can claim UC. It's a horrible situation to be in, admittedly it has put me off ever having another relationship and I've been a lone parent and single for a decade. However, I'd rather that than the uncertainty and suspicion and lack of trust. It's like death from a thousand cuts. I wish you luck Flowers

tineymouseinswimmingpool · 13/08/2023 11:44

You say you don't want to break up, and you can demand he never do it again, but he will, but what you can't do is refuse to be with someone who wants to do this, as he has already shown he wants to, and for me that would be enough.

Deb28777 · 13/08/2023 12:11

It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. He has a character flaw and this is it. This is not about you.

The one mistake you made was giving him more than one chance. You basically gave him the green light when you forgave him for the second time. He probably knows you won’t leave him so carries on doing it.

I doubt he will change to be honest.

Deb28777 · 13/08/2023 12:14

You also need to raise your bar too. It’s absolutely not acceptable to do what he is doing even it it is “only words”. I bet if you did a search of his browsing history you would find more or there will be none as he deletes it every day.

Monkeylimas · 13/08/2023 12:40

It’s not you. You can’t prevent this and you didn’t cause it.

You can’t make anyone lose their values or integrity. I can’t make you cheat on your husband. If a hot man walked up to you, flirted and asked you on a date but you thought that was wrong to do, I can’t make you say yes to that hot man. Your values and integrity mean you say no. You do it for YOU, to keep your integrity and values intact and if your husband has irritated you that month you still say no to hot man.

Your husband doesn’t have this integrity. If he did he would say No to women for himself.

He has a black hole which no matter how much praise, love, adoration you give him , it’s never enough. He wants more to fill the void.

He has never addressed this despite you catching him before. He minimised and his feet weren’t held to the fire. It was your failings that caused him because admitting he has a void, a deficiency wouldn’t help him feel good. He would have to realise he’s a shitbag who disrespects himself by having no integrity. He prefers the narrative that all the ladies fancy him because he is a catch.

Read up on the 180 and implement. Get legal advice and a counsellor. Look after you because your fool of a husband isn’t. And you do have integrity and morals - so you should feel pride about yourself, you are a catch.

Monkeylimas · 13/08/2023 12:45

Oh and that’s why reconciliation rarely works. Unless THEY recognise their issues. One sniff at blaming you shows you can’t reconcile. Because you can’t force someone to do something against their values. You can’t reconcile with someone who has a ‘I promise to forsake all others….. unless Amanda in accounts blows smoke up my arse/Lyn at the pub flutters her lashes’. It’s nonsense. He chose to do this. You were upset/angry/affected by his previous cheating episodes yet YOU didn’t cheat even though you felt like crap at the time (and since) because of him!

JamSandle · 13/08/2023 12:46

It's nothing to do with you not being good enough. Honestly.

Monkeylimas · 13/08/2023 12:52

Also if you can manage it. Get all you ducks in a row. Get back to work. Get household items replaced and put stuff with friends and family so you have the things you need. Cutlery/pots/pans/hoover etc. Pretend it’s going to the charity shop.

Get yourself set up on the sly.

Get him doing childcare runs. Buy sale clothes in the next three ages up (winter coats and shoes). Get stuff how you want it. Take cash back at the supermarket and leave it with your sister/brother. Use your calmness for YOUR advantage.

Fraaahnces · 13/08/2023 12:52

I wish your self-esteem was good enough to recognize that you have already compromised too much. You must feel so lonely each toe you find a new betrayal.

GiveOverRover · 13/08/2023 13:05

It's nothing you've done or not done, if this is to be fixed he needs to fix himself, he will be sniffing around forever otherwise to try to fill the gap that exists in him. His fragile ego is not your fault, nothing to do with you. It's confirmation of old news, he's done it before, and he will do it again. Whether it's worth the trade off for the "nice life" that's a lie, that is up to you. Only you know what will work for you, but there's also something very nice about putting your key in your own front door and knowing there's not a lying cheat who doesn't respect you or your family on the other side of it.

Personally I'd sit on it, given that it's not the first time it's happened and you know exactly what you're going to get if you confront him. Time for a new approach. I would definitely be getting myself into a position of more control financially, take your time to do this so you're ready to make a move when beneficial on your own terms, not jump ship to your detriment because he can't keep his dick in his pants. Again.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/08/2023 13:48

GiveOverRover · 13/08/2023 13:05

It's nothing you've done or not done, if this is to be fixed he needs to fix himself, he will be sniffing around forever otherwise to try to fill the gap that exists in him. His fragile ego is not your fault, nothing to do with you. It's confirmation of old news, he's done it before, and he will do it again. Whether it's worth the trade off for the "nice life" that's a lie, that is up to you. Only you know what will work for you, but there's also something very nice about putting your key in your own front door and knowing there's not a lying cheat who doesn't respect you or your family on the other side of it.

Personally I'd sit on it, given that it's not the first time it's happened and you know exactly what you're going to get if you confront him. Time for a new approach. I would definitely be getting myself into a position of more control financially, take your time to do this so you're ready to make a move when beneficial on your own terms, not jump ship to your detriment because he can't keep his dick in his pants. Again.

I totally agree with this. People like him have something missing in them, that is absolutely true. They are looking for some sort of utopia that doesn't exist and need that hit on repeat. It's tragic really. I feel as you say, I don't have to worry about it anymore. It feels good.

Original poster
Matchaccount · 15/08/2023 12:56

Not sure how I’ve got through the last day keeping my mouth shut. I think he knows there’s something wrong, keeps saying I’m quiet. Fuck, I’m trying to keep it in but it’s so hard. I’ve been back in the dating site, it doesn’t look like it’s been used. I’m fucking tempted to change all the details to his real ones & real bastard photo! Imagine that, how he would shit himself when he realised. I’m feeling bitter and so sad. I’m struggling and not sure how long I can keep it up. I read some advice online about how if you want to save your marriage, confronting them doesn’t help & so I still haven’t. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It’s killing me. I was out with him yesterday & the women I saw walking by, I thought, she’s his type. Could be one of his “likes” on match. I’m feeling like anyone & everyone is now a threat. This is so hard.

OP posts: