Page 5 | Husband has an Online Dating Account

Matchaccount · 2023-08-12T18:48:31+00:00

I’ve just discovered that my husband has got an account on Match.com seemingly set up late June this year. He’s put a fake name, pic, age, saying he is from the next town over from us & states he is single. There is one conversation on there that I can’t see as the other person has deactivated her account. I can see all the girls he has “liked” they are in our surrounding area. They are all a bit younger than me but I must say they just look like normal women. Sounds stupid but, why am I not good enough. I guess if they were all gorgeous models I could then feel like frump etc but they are just normal women 😢. Not that it makes it any better. Im quite devastated. I thought we were happy. He doesn’t know I know yet & I want to be strategic. Any pointers on how I can approach this? Thanks

EAP · 15/08/2023 16:25

@Crikeyalmighty you would never think MN is a forum for opinions/contrasting debate would you? If an opinion goes against the grain all he’ll breaks loose.

EAP · 15/08/2023 16:28

@isthismylifenow TBF you sound like hard work. Maybe that was the reason?

Crikeyalmighty · 15/08/2023 16:29

@roses321 absolutely. The problem is that my friends who are single have said it about online dating too. Man says he wants to meet xyz - Meets xyz - great relationship but 5 months in appears to be hedging his bets out there. I'm sure some women are like this to by the way.

Problem is for some these sites are like entertainment for when they get a bit bored or life gets a bit Groundhog Day or partner has expressed dissatisfaction in an area of their life or in them . It's like 'next' -

roses321 · 15/08/2023 16:29

LovelyJubbly12345 · 15/08/2023 16:18

It never ceases to amaze me, how some people can blame women for all the shit that men do.

Man cheats = wife must have neglected him - her fault.

How fucked up.

My first H was like this. Guess what? He WAS happy. We had it all. Two amazing children, the big house, the nice cars, the holidays, plenty of money. I worked part time, and did all of the household chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning, the washing, all the child related things, and.....he got plenty of sex. And to boot, I was better looking than him.

He cheated anyway. With loads of women. All the time. Hit on all of my friends. Hit on my sister. Hit on my Mum. I had no idea, until one of his mates told me. I was devastated. He promised to change. He didn't though, he carried on, sometimes even in front of me, if he was drunk enough. I clung on for 4 more years hoping for change. It never came. So after 20 years together, I left him, and he was devastated and outraged (how dare I?), in equal measure.

He has had 2 serious relationships, since we divorced. Guess what? Cheated on them both.

Meanwhile, I have married DH, and let me tell you, the difference is night and day. DH is way better looking, and yet.....never hits on other women, barely seems to notice them actually.

Op - it's not you being "not enough" - it's him, because this is who he is. You could be Kylie Minogue and he'd be looking elsewhere.

See a solicitor - you are due 50% of everything, as a bare minimum. Probably more, because you sacrificed your career for him. And don't forget his PENSION. I took half of my first H pension, IN CASH before the marital home was divided up. Game changer. At least start doing the sums.

Btw, I've no idea why you have changed the password to the dating site, and then are shocked that there's no activity on his account? Surely leave the password alone, so he can go on there, make a profile yourself and message him. Let's see what he's capable of eh? Arrange to meet him, and then turn up yourself. If you don't he will just gaslight you and say that he would never have gone through with it.

Show quote history

This woman has the right idea.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 16:33

I read some advice online about how if you want to save your marriage, confronting them doesn’t help & so I still haven’t. Fuck, fuck, fuck

And that’s why he does this shit, time and again. Because he can. Because he gets away with it. He’s cheating on you. Properly. Probably always has been. You need an STI test.

I’m really sorry. He’s a cunt.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/08/2023 16:34

@EAP I wasn't agreeing with you with regards to happy men don't do this shit- quite the opposite. Men who are happy (or appear to be) frequently sadly get up to all kinds of crap - if they aren't happy they should say so, and give partners some agency in their lives as to discuss the issues or end things- but they frequently don't

isthismylifenow · 15/08/2023 16:40

EAP · 15/08/2023 16:28

@isthismylifenow TBF you sound like hard work. Maybe that was the reason?

Nah.

isthismylifenow · 15/08/2023 16:41

EAP · 15/08/2023 16:28

@isthismylifenow TBF you sound like hard work. Maybe that was the reason?

Nah. He was just a cunt. Do you know him?

EAP · 15/08/2023 16:48

@isthismylifenow dunno, what’s his name, dob and Nino?

something2say · 15/08/2023 17:19

Just interrupting to give a hug to the OP.

I met, online, a very successful older man. He told me that he had cheated on his wife with hundreds of women over the years.

Not boyfriend material, obviously.

I have not been in that boat, not had to delve into 'why some men do that.' But I do think that some men are just like that. I'm with those who just wouldn't, period. And then the lovely new husband of the poster above, who doesn't even register ladies. That's the sort of man to have.

The OPs husband is bullshit. I'm so sorry. What a terrible shame. He may love her, his wife, in a way, but it's a poor quality love and he is a poor quality husband. No amount of salary or holidays makes up for that.

roses321 · 15/08/2023 17:30

EAP · 15/08/2023 16:48

@isthismylifenow dunno, what’s his name, dob and Nino?

You're either a troll, a 50's housewife or a man. Either way my view of your attitude is very low.

EAP · 15/08/2023 17:56

@isthismylifenow typical MN, cannot deal with opposing views.

Original poster

Matchaccount · 15/08/2023 17:59

@LovelyJubbly12345 i know what you mean about the password but unfortunately changing it was the only way I could get into his match account. I’m hoping to get hold of his phone & check his saved passwords then change it back to what it was so he can get back in and I will know the original password. What a faf! I’m so sorry you went through it was well. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare at the moment. I feel a bit better thanks to all the posters informing me about the financials. If it comes to it I know I will probably be ok.

OP posts:

GiveOverRover · 15/08/2023 18:18

@EAP bore off.

Allicando · 15/08/2023 21:15

EAP · 15/08/2023 17:56

@isthismylifenow typical MN, cannot deal with opposing views.

You post on loads of threads to be controversial and just derail them for the OP. You may think your'e being clever but you come across as a twat.

Allicando · 15/08/2023 21:17

Matchaccount · 15/08/2023 17:59

@LovelyJubbly12345 i know what you mean about the password but unfortunately changing it was the only way I could get into his match account. I’m hoping to get hold of his phone & check his saved passwords then change it back to what it was so he can get back in and I will know the original password. What a faf! I’m so sorry you went through it was well. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare at the moment. I feel a bit better thanks to all the posters informing me about the financials. If it comes to it I know I will probably be ok.

Some women can turn a blind eye really well but I couldn't, no way. I know I deserve a relationship where they are fully committed not with one eye on another woman. I suspect you are the same and it really hurts x

GiveOverRover · 15/08/2023 21:30

I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut for long OP, it must be really hard. I think if you don't want to go ballistic, I'd probably choose a time when you weren't going to be interrupted for a few hours, and then try and stay as neutral as possible and just ask him simply, if he found what he was looking for online?

See what he says. It's possible there is more that you haven't found, and it's possible that you don't want to know any more. Try and decide what you need from the situation in order to move through it in the best way possible for you and then don't be shy about stating what it is that you need now that things have shifted. Individual counselling might be a good idea also, if you can finance that for a few months.

Lennon80 · 15/08/2023 21:44

Solonomi · 13/08/2023 08:27

Honestly I would tell him I know but that it’s fine, you are going to do the same (even if you don’t). I’m going against the grain here but it sounds like you have a great lifestyle- I would tell him going forward you want access to all bank accounts and money. That you want half in your own account. Go to a solicitor and get advice on what your life will be like financially if you divorce. You may not be as bad off as you think. Tell him if he doesn’t give you access to all financials that you will divorce him and get more than half anyway, including his pension. Kick him in the balls financially OP and then take your time to make a decision about whether to stay. Do not allow him to keep you away from access to what us also YOUR money. Get legal advice. Tell him he can go on dating sites but so wil you. He will CRAP himself.

This!!

get the finances in order then join a dating site!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 09:39

Op you would probably have a lot more success on a dating site than him too - nice young fit toy boy for you! X

Monkeylimas · 16/08/2023 10:51

No person fulfills 100% of someone’s needs. Cheaters usually gave 80% filled at home but they believe they deserve 100% of their needs fulfilling. So off they go looking for that 20%. They don’t tell their partner because they don’t want their partner to join in the fun of having 100% of their needs met. If it was okay why hide it? Be proud of who you are, your values and morals.

Then they get caught and cry and plead and beg because they are pathetic. One offs, no-one understands meeeeeeee, I was depressed/an alcoholic/a sex addict/I didn’t dare stop because ow may tell you (err why on earth trust a big secret with someone you didn’t trust - poor judge of character)/ etc etc.

Or they have low self esteem and need smoke blowing up their arse to fill their gaping needy hole.

Regardless it’s their problem not yours. You are collateral damage unfortunately. No-one can be forced to betray their own morals/self worth and integrity. I would not cheat on my husband for me and my self worth - even if he has pissed me off I wouldn’t cheat because I’m not betraying myself. I know I can leave at any time if his behaviour is unacceptable to me - but cheating betrays me first.

Blaming the marriage is nonsense - talk about your problems, see a counsellor, or if it’s that bad then go. But cheating as an option is like fixing the hole in the roof by burning down the house! Immature and self centred and demonstrates a lack of foresight and self control. Not ideal traits in a life partner.

Op get your ducks in a row. Leave him on the back foot. Get your life in order. Personally if this has happened before and you are able to hold yourself together this time the first he would hear from me is divorce papers. Or the suggestion of an open marriage if that is what you want? (Bet he has a lot to say about that). He deserves nothing more from you. You however have integrity and the ability to forgive and THAT is desirable.

Roselee1 · 16/08/2023 10:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

roses321 · 16/08/2023 12:06

Monkeylimas · 16/08/2023 10:51

No person fulfills 100% of someone’s needs. Cheaters usually gave 80% filled at home but they believe they deserve 100% of their needs fulfilling. So off they go looking for that 20%. They don’t tell their partner because they don’t want their partner to join in the fun of having 100% of their needs met. If it was okay why hide it? Be proud of who you are, your values and morals.

Then they get caught and cry and plead and beg because they are pathetic. One offs, no-one understands meeeeeeee, I was depressed/an alcoholic/a sex addict/I didn’t dare stop because ow may tell you (err why on earth trust a big secret with someone you didn’t trust - poor judge of character)/ etc etc.

Or they have low self esteem and need smoke blowing up their arse to fill their gaping needy hole.

Regardless it’s their problem not yours. You are collateral damage unfortunately. No-one can be forced to betray their own morals/self worth and integrity. I would not cheat on my husband for me and my self worth - even if he has pissed me off I wouldn’t cheat because I’m not betraying myself. I know I can leave at any time if his behaviour is unacceptable to me - but cheating betrays me first.

Blaming the marriage is nonsense - talk about your problems, see a counsellor, or if it’s that bad then go. But cheating as an option is like fixing the hole in the roof by burning down the house! Immature and self centred and demonstrates a lack of foresight and self control. Not ideal traits in a life partner.

Op get your ducks in a row. Leave him on the back foot. Get your life in order. Personally if this has happened before and you are able to hold yourself together this time the first he would hear from me is divorce papers. Or the suggestion of an open marriage if that is what you want? (Bet he has a lot to say about that). He deserves nothing more from you. You however have integrity and the ability to forgive and THAT is desirable.

This this and this again. What a brilliantly healthy attitude and perspective. Kudos.