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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has an Online Dating Account

122 replies

Matchaccount · 12/08/2023 19:48

I’ve just discovered that my husband has got an account on Match.com seemingly set up late June this year. He’s put a fake name, pic, age, saying he is from the next town over from us & states he is single. There is one conversation on there that I can’t see as the other person has deactivated her account. I can see all the girls he has “liked” they are in our surrounding area. They are all a bit younger than me but I must say they just look like normal women. Sounds stupid but, why am I not good enough. I guess if they were all gorgeous models I could then feel like frump etc but they are just normal women 😢. Not that it makes it any better. Im quite devastated. I thought we were happy. He doesn’t know I know yet & I want to be strategic. Any pointers on how I can approach this? Thanks

OP posts:
Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 07:48

I think you should confront him, but before you do, you need to decide what you want. If you want the relationship to end because he has been unfaithful more than once (flirting via text and setting up dating profiles is bad enough, even if he hasn't actually had sex with anyone else) then you need to prepare yourself to tell him that and then take action. But if you want to stay in the relationship and for him to admit what he's done and be sorry for it (and never do it again) you need to say that to him instead. Otherwise all he'll do is deny and minimise - his goal will be to shut you up so he can carry on doing whatever he wants.

But you need to decide what YOU want first.

Busubaba · 13/08/2023 07:50

From his track record this is just a way of life for him.

The sweet wife at home he presents to the world as his adored partner but all the while seeking pleasure from other women.

His ego needs constant feeding and he will never change .

MadeForThis · 13/08/2023 07:53

He won't change.

Allicando · 13/08/2023 07:57

Gosh OP he sounds very much like mine. A few years ago he accidentally sent me a message on IG intended for another woman telling her how hot she was. I should have ended it then but I loved him and all that. So i knew when the dating profile thing happened it really was a nail in the coffin and like I said I tried for a year but it was a no go the trust has gone, I refuse to wait around for a full blown affair. I wish you all the best but it sounds like you know the right thing to do x

Original poster
Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:00

I was really angry last time. It was almost over & he seemed devastated. But of course minimised & said I hadn’t given him enough attention etc. We worked through it as he said he was just flattered and let the texts get out of hand. Said he was using her to “get by” at work. I text her. She was very sorry and promised me she had just had a major crush but nothing had happened and she wouldn’t contact him again. He moves around for his job so had already left that place by this time so wouldn’t be seeing her daily. I do think he just wants me to shut up so he can carry on. I do think this! It make me feel like the lowest form of human being, not good enough for him because women swoon all over him. It’s clear with the dating site that he doesn’t want to be seen/found out as using a fake pic but someone very similar in looks to him. Using a common name etc. Even if he’s just looking at what’s out there, fucking why! If he told me when I confront that he’s just looking it’s not really going to make me feel any better. If I did any of the things he’s done, even just accepting flattery/compliments or having a look around at other men, what’s out there, he would leave me instantly. It would be over. Why the fuck does he think it’s ok for him to flatter and be flattered, look around etc. I’m so fucking angry. I’ve no money of my own. He puts money in my account when it’s low, no joint account. I feel so low.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:12

Also I'm so confused because he tells me I’m beautiful etc and in every other way but this he is a brilliant husband and father. We have been happy. He has been working so hard to give us amazing experiences and we’ve achieved a lot lately. He has taken us on some amazing holidays and once in a lifetime experiences. He seems driven to give the family a lot. He seems family oriented and Ive put stuff down from the past as him being young and insecure or a stupid mistake. Why in the background is he doing this on the dating site. I don’t know why he is risking and jeopardising our marriage when he seems to want me and the family unit. The OLD profile he’s got seems like he hasn’t really used it accept the message I can no longer see. But it’s killing me seeing all his liked girls. It’s breaking my heart.

OP posts:
Allicando · 13/08/2023 08:15

But of course minimised & said I hadn’t given him enough attention etc.

That is exactly what mine said! I absolutely refuse to accept the responsibility for his actions. If I felt I wasn't getting enough attention I would tell him so, not turn to other men, never ever in a million years would i seek out another man. Ultimately you know deep down he will not change. The financial issue is massive though and must be very difficult, if money were no issue what would you do? If it walking away then you need to try and make plans to do so, even if it is not straight away. Looking over your shoulder and never feeling good enough is no way to live, it erodes your self esteem and happiness. He is a shit bag for doing this and please know it is not you it is in fact all on him. If he gets with another woman he will do the exact same thing to her believe me he will it has absolutely nothing to do with you not being good enough x

Original poster
Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:17

@Busubaba you’ve hit the nail on the head. It does seem like no matter how many compliments I give, no matter how much sex I give, no matter how much flattery and attention I give and I’ve given a lot, my constant attention etc, he always needs it from someone else hidden in the back ground. I’m trying to get my head together so forgive the stupid question but… if it was just words, flattery from others because he needs it so constantly, could my marriage still work if I don’t look? Now I hate myself for lowering my expectations and self worth to the floor for a man who seems to love me but has a hidden need I just can’t sate no matter what I do. All I wanted was to be loved.

OP posts:
Solonomi · 13/08/2023 08:27

Honestly I would tell him I know but that it’s fine, you are going to do the same (even if you don’t). I’m going against the grain here but it sounds like you have a great lifestyle- I would tell him going forward you want access to all bank accounts and money. That you want half in your own account. Go to a solicitor and get advice on what your life will be like financially if you divorce. You may not be as bad off as you think. Tell him if he doesn’t give you access to all financials that you will divorce him and get more than half anyway, including his pension. Kick him in the balls financially OP and then take your time to make a decision about whether to stay. Do not allow him to keep you away from access to what us also YOUR money. Get legal advice. Tell him he can go on dating sites but so wil you. He will CRAP himself.

Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 08:28

There are some people who will just always need more attention and more excitement no matter what you do.

The problem is, at the moment, there are no real consequences to his actions. The cycle just goes around: He behaves disrespectfully, you find out, you confront him, he grovels/minimises/denies, etc. you eventually work it out. Rinse, repeat.

OP you need to decide how many more times you want to go round in this circle for the rest of your life. If the pain of losing him is too great and you just can't end it, then you're going to have to get used to turning a blind eye to his behaviour. While there are no real consequences he won't change.

But if you've honestly had enough this time then you'll have to go through some heart ache and discomfort to become free of this. Divorce is never easy.

Original poster
Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:30

@Allicando i know you are right. If money was no option, I still don’t know if I would have the courage to leave even though he takes the piss out of me and my loyalty. I would feel much stronger to confront him if money were not an option. I would feel more powerful in my situation if I had money. But I love him completely and it would break my heart and my kids hearts if we split up. They adore him. I’m very loyal and honestly know I will never love someone else. I don’t trust him and certainly won’t be able to start again with another person and have no wish to. I’ve only ever wanted him since we met. I’ve no desire to look around or for flattery from another. I guess I feel that leaving will condemn me and my kids to being on the poverty line and also condemn me to a sad and lonely life watching him get with someone new and move on etc. He has said in discussions before that if we weren’t together he wouldn’t bother finding anyone else but I know he would & then she would get everything I’ve worked so hard for and sacrificed myself for while I sit in my little flat alone (this is what i picture.) I wanted to share my life with someone, have someone who wanted me.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 13/08/2023 08:30

Men like that often give loads to the family to justify/ balance the bad behaviour. It’s like they feel they have earned being able to step out. Do you work, OP?

Original poster
Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:34

@Dotcheck no I’m a stay at home mum. I could never earn enough to sustain me and the kids now. I’ve got no skills and we decided years ago to take traditional roles for the family.

OP posts:
Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 08:39

Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:30

@Allicando i know you are right. If money was no option, I still don’t know if I would have the courage to leave even though he takes the piss out of me and my loyalty. I would feel much stronger to confront him if money were not an option. I would feel more powerful in my situation if I had money. But I love him completely and it would break my heart and my kids hearts if we split up. They adore him. I’m very loyal and honestly know I will never love someone else. I don’t trust him and certainly won’t be able to start again with another person and have no wish to. I’ve only ever wanted him since we met. I’ve no desire to look around or for flattery from another. I guess I feel that leaving will condemn me and my kids to being on the poverty line and also condemn me to a sad and lonely life watching him get with someone new and move on etc. He has said in discussions before that if we weren’t together he wouldn’t bother finding anyone else but I know he would & then she would get everything I’ve worked so hard for and sacrificed myself for while I sit in my little flat alone (this is what i picture.) I wanted to share my life with someone, have someone who wanted me.

It sounds like you have no intention of leaving him because the alternative, for you, is worse. In which case, I wouldn't bother confronting him at all. He will just minimise and deny, like he always does. He will commit to change but then a few months later you'll discover some other way in which he has disrespected you. You may as well save yourself the argument.

TheAverageJoanne · 13/08/2023 08:42

Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:17

@Busubaba you’ve hit the nail on the head. It does seem like no matter how many compliments I give, no matter how much sex I give, no matter how much flattery and attention I give and I’ve given a lot, my constant attention etc, he always needs it from someone else hidden in the back ground. I’m trying to get my head together so forgive the stupid question but… if it was just words, flattery from others because he needs it so constantly, could my marriage still work if I don’t look? Now I hate myself for lowering my expectations and self worth to the floor for a man who seems to love me but has a hidden need I just can’t sate no matter what I do. All I wanted was to be loved.

It's like it doesn't count from you because you're there anyway. He's so immature.

Allicando · 13/08/2023 08:43

Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:12

Also I'm so confused because he tells me I’m beautiful etc and in every other way but this he is a brilliant husband and father. We have been happy. He has been working so hard to give us amazing experiences and we’ve achieved a lot lately. He has taken us on some amazing holidays and once in a lifetime experiences. He seems driven to give the family a lot. He seems family oriented and Ive put stuff down from the past as him being young and insecure or a stupid mistake. Why in the background is he doing this on the dating site. I don’t know why he is risking and jeopardising our marriage when he seems to want me and the family unit. The OLD profile he’s got seems like he hasn’t really used it accept the message I can no longer see. But it’s killing me seeing all his liked girls. It’s breaking my heart.

Because he has some deep insecurities that can only be filled by getting attention from other women. This was exactly like mine, he even said to me he has a problem and that I need to help him. How on earth he thinks I can help him I will never know. I feel for you OP it is a head fuck and not a problem you can help him with either, he will never change.

EAP · 13/08/2023 08:43

I wouldn't read too much into it. He's probably just bored with the hum/drum of marries life and looking for kick's elsewhere.

TheAverageJoanne · 13/08/2023 08:45

Matchaccount · 13/08/2023 08:30

@Allicando i know you are right. If money was no option, I still don’t know if I would have the courage to leave even though he takes the piss out of me and my loyalty. I would feel much stronger to confront him if money were not an option. I would feel more powerful in my situation if I had money. But I love him completely and it would break my heart and my kids hearts if we split up. They adore him. I’m very loyal and honestly know I will never love someone else. I don’t trust him and certainly won’t be able to start again with another person and have no wish to. I’ve only ever wanted him since we met. I’ve no desire to look around or for flattery from another. I guess I feel that leaving will condemn me and my kids to being on the poverty line and also condemn me to a sad and lonely life watching him get with someone new and move on etc. He has said in discussions before that if we weren’t together he wouldn’t bother finding anyone else but I know he would & then she would get everything I’ve worked so hard for and sacrificed myself for while I sit in my little flat alone (this is what i picture.) I wanted to share my life with someone, have someone who wanted me.

This is really sad to read. He's brainwashed you. It's like reading something written by a Stepford wife. Have you no friends and interests? How have you managed to make someone who's such a liar and dissembler your everything?

Allicando · 13/08/2023 08:53

Minus the kids and money situation you sound just like me. When we got back together I also thought just turn a blind eye, he is only looking, what I don't know won't kill me. I had this voice screaming inside me though and I got angry, very angry that he had put us in this position and it eroded my self esteem and my respect for him. I still love him and I most likely won't ever meet anybody else again, my DC are 20 & 18 and doing their own thing. I don't have any hobbies really or many friends but I feel at peace now for the first time in years. I do work full time and have just lost my Dad so am concentrating on being available for my Mum and kids when they need me. Of course you need to do what is best for you and your family and I hope you can find peace with the situation but I can almost guarantee that you won't and that resentment will build if not now then in time. Maybe start looking into the world of work and getting that built up so you have options in the future if you do change your mind.

Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 08:56

There is a huge power imbalance in this relationship so his behaviour in some ways isn't surprising. He knows he can get away with it.

Allicando · 13/08/2023 08:56

EAP · 13/08/2023 08:43

I wouldn't read too much into it. He's probably just bored with the hum/drum of marries life and looking for kick's elsewhere.

See I would say this too and it may be right but it is how the relationship makes you feel and for me it made me feel shit and I am worth much more than to be made to feel like shit. No man will ever make me feel shit again that is for sure, it is just not worth my peace of mind.

Daffodilwoman · 13/08/2023 08:59

You have to decide if you are prepared to stay with him. He doesn’t respect you at all. This is not a one off, this is who he is.
Of course he won’t want to split up, he’d have to actually do some of the grunt work he leaves to you. Wouldn’t we all like to have a little wifey at home cooking, cleaning and being a full time nanny, whilst we are free to advance our career and get out and about at will.
I wouldn’t wait but then I wouldn’t want him shagging other women and taking the piss out of me.
Remember he has caused all of this. He has ruined your marriage not you.

EAP · 13/08/2023 09:00

I think some men need constant validation/attention which is hard to maintain in a LTR. If they’re not getting that at home seek it elsewhere just to get an ego boost.

nevynevster · 13/08/2023 09:00

Don't despair on the money front. The assets built up over your long marriage are 50pc yours in a divorce. Yes there's going to be a drop in income/living standards for you but I think you know in your heart of hearts this isn't going to be the last time. Better to do now when you have a decent chance to rebuild your life. The kids will be fine you sound like a great mum

crumpet · 13/08/2023 09:02

Notgnillew · 13/08/2023 08:56

There is a huge power imbalance in this relationship so his behaviour in some ways isn't surprising. He knows he can get away with it.

I agree with this. For me it sails close enough to infidelity as makes no difference. After 20 years of marriage you and the dc wouldn’t be left destitute. Why not do some investigating (would the Citizens Advice be a good start?) to understand exactly what the position would be if you did separate? Whether you do separate or not is up to you but at least you would be informed.

often on here people suggest making copies of pensions/bank statements/savings etc, and keep them somewhat safe, in case they mysteriously disappear if ever a separate does seem on the cards.