Husband has an Online Dating Account

[Matchaccount]

I’ve just discovered that my husband has got an account on Match.com seemingly set up late June this year. He’s put a fake name, pic, age, saying he is from the next town over from us & states he is single. There is one conversation on there that I can’t see as the other person has deactivated her account. I can see all the girls he has “liked” they are in our surrounding area. They are all a bit younger than me but I must say they just look like normal women. Sounds stupid but, why am I not good enough. I guess if they were all gorgeous models I could then feel like frump etc but they are just normal women 😢. Not that it makes it any better. Im quite devastated. I thought we were happy. He doesn’t know I know yet & I want to be strategic. Any pointers on how I can approach this? Thanks

I'm a man, and I've had 3 relationships end because partners have either been 'shopping' or have actively cheated.
It's not a gender-specific issue, it's just the way an awful lot of people are these days - always looking for something better.

Thankfully my DW isn't wired like them, which is a refreshing change!

Out of curiosity, how did you find out? Were looking at Match website? Or you see a notification?

Do you think he is happy/satisfied in your relationship? Do you make time for him? Men who are contented in their relationships would not do this.

I am sorry you are in this situation OP.

I got really angry reading your post, and I have posted about this before. Time and time again, one of the partners goes out and has affairs etc, and just carries on life as normal. It is when the partner find outs through whatever means, and now up to the innocent partner to now have to be forced to make some decision. Like overnight, life completely changes and you are the one that has to make all the difficult decisions. It just makes me so angry. It happened to me, its happening to you.. and 100s of others too.

I think @Solonomi has posted very good advice. You are now looking at a complete lifestyle change due to his behaviours, and you do need to look out for yourself now. No-one here can tell you whether to stay or go, it is never just that simple. But either way, you need to be sure you have looked into what you can do that is best for you in the meantime.

It must be extremely difficult to keep this quiet. As I am sure you just want to blurt out what you know and call him every name under the sun, and let him know you what a scumbag he is. But as they say, try to keep your powder dry. You can do things on the sneak too, just like he has been doing for many years by the sounds of things.

Just be careful not to get too obsessed on monitoring him. I have been there and it put me in a terrible place mentally. If I could suggest you try to put more focus on looking into financials, taking legal advice for going forward etc etc. Things to help you, rather than to hinder you.

Be kind to yourself too. This is not your fault.

This is not the OP's fault.

Many people who claim to be happily married, still cheat. Do you still blame the spouse then too?

I would do this and sit back and watch what happens. Whilst making plans to leave.

Behave yourself.

But unfortunately, as in her last post, the OP is wanting to save her marriage for some bizarre reason. So she is very unlikely to make any actual changes towards leaving. She's actually looking for reasons to stay.

Its sad to read, literally giving up her life for someone who doesn't give a shit about her

Reading with interest as I suspect my DH of being up to something.

How did you find out? Did you create a profile to check? I keep wondering if i should, or is it better not knowing? Also thought about going through DH phone but it has a PIN.

I saw emails from match in his junk folder which gave the option to click on the name & it took me to his profile. I would never go on a dating site, no reason to I was happy. He clearly isn’t happy in our relationship to be looking around. Not sure what else I am supposed to have done to keep him happy. When he is at home, he has my undivided attention. Always has. I’m that wife that makes a point of waving him off every time he leaves the house, loving texts through the day etc. I’m probably not that exciting anymore as 20 years & body changed due to having his kids you know! Maybe I need to set him free so he can find the person he is looking for. I’m clearly not it am I.

@NicPlusSize do you have access to his email? If you do you can try his email address on the dating site login page & say you forgot the password. If he is on there it will send an email to reset his password to his email address & you can change it & get into his online dating profile. That’s what I did but I can get into his emails (for now!!!) Delete anything that comes through to his email before he sees it though & know there could be a small time window before he realises his password has been changed.

So, I had this happen to me, although he wasn't my husband but he was my partner and I loved him probably more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. There is unfortunately the rub.

Reading your messages it appears to me that you view him as somehow "better" than you, and that is exactly how I saw my ex as well. That I was "lucky" to be with him, that he could have anyone and that he chose me. I gave him everything... and less than a year into living with him (his idea) I found out he was all over social sites messaging women and pretending he was single.

They do it because they are toxic, immature and pathetic little men who are so deeply insecure that they need to know they still "got it" through validation, validation and more validation from adoring women.

It broke my heart into pieces, I couldn't bear to leave him though and it diminished me more and more and eventually my pathetic and sad demeanour lead to him being abusive and gaslighting me.

I am not stupid though and when I found the evidence I confronted him, he wormed his way out of it and blamed me (that's what they always do) and I believed him. I ended up apologising to him believe it or not.

The truth is that your mindset needs altering, you see yourself as a frumpy SAHM when in fact you're better than him, far more capable than him and worth far more than he is giving you with this pathetic performance and his lies.

Unfortunately it's hard for us to see them how they really are, because we get all doey eyed over these men and give them everything, and yes they are devastated when they get busted because it means bye bye to all the benefits they took for granted for so long, not because they love us - if they loved us the way we loved them they would never do that in the first place.

Start working on believing that you are worth more than this, even if you're not prepared to leave right now you still need to start separating yourself emotionally from this asshole, and start ploughing your energy into yourself and your kids. I think men like this are deplorable to be honest and I've turned into rather the ice queen as far as my ex is concerned, even if inside my heart hearts, there is nothing to be done about it - he is a cunt at the end of the day and I don't associate with cunts.

@EAP that simply and sadly isn't always the case. Some men are perfectly happy in their primary relationship and just looking for more free sex and others just seem to go through a stage where they want to see if they can still 'pull' and an ego boost. Sadly a lot of people blow their decent marriages up this way !

Please don’t put yourself down and stop giving so much of yourself. For now, stop, breathe, try and stop obsessing over him and his antics (hard I know), and arrange something for you. Maybe a fitness class or even a weekend away with a girlfriend. He will notice these changes and it will unsettle him.
Then quietly make plans, speak to a solicitor, look at getting a job, save money (cash out on every shop) Go and buy a complete new wardrobe, new hairstyle etc. All these little steps will empower you, and you will be able to make the best decision on what is right for you in time. It is very easy to feel overwhelmed when the power in a couple is not equal. He has made sure of that by clearly showing no respect to you as a SAHM. The most valuable job, but the least recognised and appreciated by arseholes like him.

No advice but I'm in the same situation and it is awful. My husband has an account on a hook up site that I discovered a week ago.

I'm watching, checking, waiting. It's excruciating not saying anything and I keep having angry outbursts at him. I just can get my head around how this person I thought I knew inside out has done this. I almost end up gaslighting myself that it's not real.

We have a child and I'm a SAHM too so I really feel your pain. I am going to confront mine but I'm currently monitoring him to see how far he goes, while he believes me to be clueless. If I do it too early he may go underground. I really hate all this deceit.

I've been so close to just blurting it out but I know he will try and minimise or smooth it over. I resent how much of my energy it is taking up. It's just so hard to rock the boat when you have a young family and a generally happy, privileged life. The devastation and disruption to my LO is a huge source of hesitation. Thinking of you x

@isthismylifenow happy people do not do this. Sounds like he is seeking what missing from the relationship elsewhere. Doesn’t make it right off course.

@GiveOverRover this is a tale as old as time I’m afraid.

@Crikeyalmighty you are correct. Not easy to keep men happy these days when they are one click of the mouse away from a happy ending. Don’t think us women realise this when we’re barking orders at them,

@EAP when you put it that way...what choice do they have, the poor men. Note to self, must stop barking, it puts the men in the mood for some casual dick centered family wrecking.

Why do you spout this bullshit nonsense on threads?

Barking orders at them? Jesus.

Whether you're a man or a woman yourself (you say you're a woman but nobody knows anyone here of course) your language is so inherently misogynistic.

Internalised misogyny is a thing, sounds like you've got it in spades and I feel sorry for you about that.

Nice to see the small dicked MRA's thwappers have crawled out of their bungholes 🙄

I think perhaps it's more the case that a lot of men aren't actually men these days and have all the self discipline of a fat kid in a sweet shop. I'm sorry but if running a household alongside a woman, being a decent husband, sticking to your wedding vows and doing all this at the same time as keeping your dick in your pants around other women is too much to deal with may I suggest re-enrollment in pre-school is a good solution?
Let me guess, as children they never learned to colour within the lines and their mummies never said "no you can't have that". Pathetic.

It never ceases to amaze me, how some people can blame women for all the shit that men do.

Man cheats = wife must have neglected him - her fault.

How fucked up.

My first H was like this. Guess what? He WAS happy. We had it all. Two amazing children, the big house, the nice cars, the holidays, plenty of money. I worked part time, and did all of the household chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning, the washing, all the child related things, and.....he got plenty of sex. And to boot, I was better looking than him.

He cheated anyway. With loads of women. All the time. Hit on all of my friends. Hit on my sister. Hit on my Mum. I had no idea, until one of his mates told me. I was devastated. He promised to change. He didn't though, he carried on, sometimes even in front of me, if he was drunk enough. I clung on for 4 more years hoping for change. It never came. So after 20 years together, I left him, and he was devastated and outraged (how dare I?), in equal measure.

He has had 2 serious relationships, since we divorced. Guess what? Cheated on them both.

Meanwhile, I have married DH, and let me tell you, the difference is night and day. DH is way better looking, and yet.....never hits on other women, barely seems to notice them actually.

Op - it's not you being "not enough" - it's him, because this is who he is. You could be Kylie Minogue and he'd be looking elsewhere.

See a solicitor - you are due 50% of everything, as a bare minimum. Probably more, because you sacrificed your career for him. And don't forget his PENSION. I took half of my first H pension, IN CASH before the marital home was divided up. Game changer. At least start doing the sums.

Btw, I've no idea why you have changed the password to the dating site, and then are shocked that there's no activity on his account? Surely leave the password alone, so he can go on there, make a profile yourself and message him. Let's see what he's capable of eh? Arrange to meet him, and then turn up yourself. If you don't he will just gaslight you and say that he would never have gone through with it.

glad we agree @GiveOverRover