A sex one...

[bloodydoublestandards]

I've been seeing this guy for about 7 months. Long story short, he said a few weeks ago that he's never given oral to a woman and couldn't consider it. It's because he's quite a clean freak, not that he finds me unatttractive. Maybe because he's from a different country so perhaps a cultural thing? As it goes I don't particularly like receiving oral but when the mood takes me to do it I quite enjoy giving it.

Anyway I've been chuckling to myself at the hypocrisy. Not angry about it, it's just comical to me how men are. I've stopped giving him blow jobs since then.

I have plenty of my own stuff going on so I only see him occasionally even tho we're exclusive. Don't particularly want it to go anywhere. He's funny, sweet, sexy and attentive and otherwise the sex is great. He sent me an Insta earlier of a comedian joking about how you don't get blow jobs as you get older. Going to talk to him about that when he comes over later. Any ideas of how to calmly and intelligently explain this? Do your classy best mumsnet...

Agree @BananaSlug

Same ones that shout the loudest will do it behind closed doors, however...

A thing that is not even a shame to do in the first place, but there you go🤷‍♀️

Men can be childish I guess

Thank you it has always been frowned upon in Jamaican culture so I’m surprised someone is claiming otherwise however I’m sure loads do it and deny it 🤷‍♀️ I’ve met ones that do but I was pointing out that most I’ve met don’t and will not do it as it’s something frowned upon in certain culture… I remember when Vybz Kartel use to come on in the club when I was younger (a long time ago 🤣)

Where did I say you said “all don’t?” I didn’t.
You were so prepared for someone to say that you’ve misread what I’ve said which wasn’t that.

Nor did I say or suggest you made it up. If anything I suggested sometimes men lie…Why are you being so defensive??

re. Jamaican songs I’m not familiar with them but I’m not denying some of the sort you describe exist …no doubt they do (again not sure where you’re getting all this denying business from) but I know from the Jamaicans I know born or raised here from a reasonably young age, most if not all the ones I know are fine with giving oral.

Not ever been involved with any men straight from Jamaica/the carribbean.

well done to the person who at least specified carribbean anyway, it’s far too vague to say “black men” in this context.

Yes I said women that don’t know better because I’ve had various British Jamaican men state clearly to me what they they try and get away with doing and not doing with women who aren’t closely connected to their culture . There are some who will claim their culture when it suits them, the ones I know said that’s a mentality of their dads generation re. Oral. But then and most of their peers do it however if they don’t want to do it it’s great to pull the “ oh I’m Jamaican and we don’t do that ” this strategy of theirs applies to various other things tbh not just oral sex.

I’ll leave this here as not worth arguing and I’ve said my peace but just to add even if you disagree not sure why you came across so defensive when it actually wasn’t an attack on women, nor did I in any way accuse YOU of lying.

I’ve dated outside my race/culture and no doubt some men fed me BS too. If anything I was giving an eye roll to men.

I used to give my dp oral but stopped years ago because he doesn't do oral on me. He's done it once sober and a handful of times drunk but he's now tee total so 🤷‍♀️ the other day he actually asked me why I don't do it anymore my reply was simply "what about me?" His response was "you get loyalty"

My comment was a direct response to someone who said “black and Asian men don’t usually do it” I was agreeing with that comment (can’t speak for asian men haven’t dated any) I took offence because you then assumed I was white and didn’t know what I was talking about. There are some very interesting articles on Google and as said widely taboo in Jamaican culture, Vybz Kartel “I Neva” is dedicated to never giving oral sex these are the songs men I knew grew up listening being told that oral sex was disgusting and something you never do. I was speaking from my experience and whilst I’m sure many do it and lie with it being taboo. From what I’ve seen the majority of white men are very open about giving oral sex.

YRGAM but why do you think for over 50' s some will but most won't, opposite to under 50's? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just genuinely confused. Is there a cultural event that you think caused this shift. I can't think of any unless you think it's the result of porn consumption, in which case I'd disagree. I think it's a natural sexual act, that people have been enjoying for hundreds and thousands of years , not just those reaching adulthood 30 years ago and less.

Oral is depicted on ancient Greek and ancient Roman artefacts. It is nothing new.

But it does make me purr.

@Kabbalah

yes as it would be incompatible

initmacy is part of an adult realtionship

you imply it’s about forcing not all

its about their ignorance

it’s about their lack of giving if in a relationship

no one is forced to be there of course
weird you think of such an angle

so yea if a guy is like that I would dump as is demonstrated their control and lack of giving

I know lots of men (irrespective of culture) who don't like it.

It's fine watching it e.g. porn but some don't like the smell and taste. Fair enough - no one should be forced to do something they don't want to.

As is said on here a lot.

@MaxTalk

thats fine but no bj’s back then .

and that’s means you are not having a full sex life and not in an adult relationship.

it’s seems their are men on here who are just lazy to be honest and are trying to hide behind the forced thing which is it never about.

it’s about not being a guy with double standards and ignorance and not giving to you partner

Probably because it's statistically true. Like everything else, it's been researched over the years. We used to be a lot less experimental and a lot more cautious as a society in bed. People often used to have just one or two partners ever in a lifetime.

Obviously oral sex has always been practiced. As a poster said, there are frescoes of it from Ancient Roman times. But 1950s Britain wasn't really like Ancient Rome, was it? We had stopped the open air orgies and sex with slave boys a while before then. Christianity had come along. A whole ton of taboos had arrived. Most people had very few sexual partners over a lifetime. Women's pleasure wasn't particularly considered

There's a lot of research, starting with the well known Kinsay report. That was just under 50% of people practising oral sex. It's a lot higher than that these days. Here's a report from 1980s

https://www.jstor.org/stable/3812058

And a recent one
https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/sex-life/a2325/bedroom-habits-of-the-british/

The over 50s are still lagging behind.

I would try to find a clip of someone joking about how they don’t give it because they don’t receive it.

Surely that depends on the dynamic of the particular relationship?

Some probably don't care for BJs either so no issue there.

Wait so if you don't do anal is that also not having a full sex life then?

Just say, you gotta give head to get head mate

l always wonder where these so called statistics and reports (even well respected ones) come from. I consider myself pretty libertine, but l would be shocked if someone came up to me with a clipboard and asked me “excuse me I’m doing a survey, what’s your age group and do you regularly give and/or receive oral sex?

OK, the above is very much tongue in cheek, l realise it’s more scientific than that, but the sentiments are still there.

For the record I’m in my 40s and can’t see me stopping when l reach 50.

@BananaSlug My God how this thread has moved along and we are veering off topic slightly. What you are talking upon was a thing years ago and it was a scandal even at school I remember having a Jamican born friend and I would never confess to giving anybody a BJ till this day. I don't think today is like that though I'm 32, you've also got ro remember unless you are in the bedroom with a person they can deny all they want but you dont really know what goes down! Agree with @Oatycookies too 😅😅🤣 tell dem! 👏

@MaxTalk

thats what I said.

Nuff " straight from Yaad" Gen X Jamaican men are in these streets performing cunnilingus.
Especially if they want a White woman, who quite frankly ( and good for them) are less inclined ( this is anecdotal) to put up with their sexual hypocrisy ( funny how these men would never refuse fellatio).

Dem man deh lucky! Gotta go down if you want some a dis. I could never go back to " pre receiving oral sex" sex life and I say this as a woman that comes with POV and couldn't be with a man that has a weak and inpatient stroke game.
A man has to be a lover as well as partner.
What is the point of men otherwise?

My DH doesn’t like to do it and I respect that, I think he’d like to receive from
me but there you go.

Gay

I’m 66 and have had partners up to 10 years older than me throughout my adult life, all of whom have found giving oral a normal part of our sex life. Similarly my sisters and friends of my generation. A bloke who wouldn’t do it is definitely something that would have been discussed. I don’t believe that giving oral sex is less usual in the over 50s male.

And that's why anecdata isn't a thing

Very aware I went AWOL. Sorry about that...

Thanks for all the messages wow didn't expect it. And can't believe the thing about sucking nipples. F*ing hell...

@watchkeys hy does anyone post anything on here? Why have you taken the time to post that? I wanted some opinions and suggestions of clear/clever ways to say this to him and mumsnetters have given me so much over the years. Hope that clears that up.

Just to be clear, he's otherwise great in bed. He's a generous lover and gives me orgasms in other ways. Just not oral.

The thing about him being a clean freak... it's more my observation. He showers at least twice a day, won't have a can of coke without washing it, very clean and tidy around the home etc. And no salty meat stick here! Always as clean as a whistle. It's not that he thinks I'm dirty per se, he's just meticulous with cleanliness. Nevertheless... the bloody hypocrisy.

So UPDATE: I spoke to him and said that it was hypocritical of him to send that and I didn't like it. Spelled out the double standards with sex between men and women. He apologised. He got my point (I think) and said he doesn't want me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. So we're agreed on that. I said I might occasionally give him it when the mood strikes me but that "jokes" and "hints" were out of line and he's no right to suggest I give him it if he's not prepared to do the same for me.

And you hit the nail on the head @Tumtitumti that "the more experience women have of men, the less easily they are manipulated and pressured by them and the more they expect men to contribute in any given situation." One of the main things I love about gewtting older.

Thanks again all. Here's to lots of oral (for those that want it!)