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Original poster

A sex one...

152 replies

bloodydoublestandards · 12/08/2023 09:36

I've been seeing this guy for about 7 months. Long story short, he said a few weeks ago that he's never given oral to a woman and couldn't consider it. It's because he's quite a clean freak, not that he finds me unatttractive. Maybe because he's from a different country so perhaps a cultural thing? As it goes I don't particularly like receiving oral but when the mood takes me to do it I quite enjoy giving it.

Anyway I've been chuckling to myself at the hypocrisy. Not angry about it, it's just comical to me how men are. I've stopped giving him blow jobs since then.

I have plenty of my own stuff going on so I only see him occasionally even tho we're exclusive. Don't particularly want it to go anywhere. He's funny, sweet, sexy and attentive and otherwise the sex is great. He sent me an Insta earlier of a comedian joking about how you don't get blow jobs as you get older. Going to talk to him about that when he comes over later. Any ideas of how to calmly and intelligently explain this? Do your classy best mumsnet...

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 12/08/2023 18:00

BananaSlug · 12/08/2023 14:54

Just that it’s nasty, there are lots of songs about not doing it… if they admitted it to their friends they would be called names. It’s very ingrained in certain cultures

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Wow. I had no idea!

BalletBob · 12/08/2023 18:04

kinkii · 12/08/2023 17:15

Not doing them because they think vaginas are dirty is misogyny.

That's probably true but someone can also not want genitals in their mouth without inherently disliking women (or men)

Has anyone said otherwise on this thread?

Chonk · 12/08/2023 18:05

@Sandunesandseashells But he wouldn't taste any milk unless you're actually lactating! Does he not realise that?

PoseyFlump · 12/08/2023 18:12

so I only see him occasionally even tho we're exclusive. Don't particularly want it to go anywhere.

Then does it matter? 🤷🏻‍♀️ would it be worse if you found someone who tried to get you to receive it every time? That would be more annoying.

If this was a relationship you had future hopes for then a serious chat would be worth the effort.

BatheInTheLight · 12/08/2023 18:12

I enjoy going down on women, it's a big turn on for me. I'm not too fussed about receiving a BJ to be honest, I think they are overrated.

kinkii · 12/08/2023 18:22

Has anyone said otherwise on this thread?

Yes. The guy isn't here, is he? Op said he's a clean freak, and wondered if it's cultural. He didn't say vaginas are dirty. For all we know, he just doesn't like it

YRGAM · 12/08/2023 18:49

As mentioned before it's very culturally dependent. The majority of white Western men under the age of, say, 50, will enjoy giving oral sex (and the same men will for some reason have the impression that they're the only man on the planet to do so), but in many other cultures (particularly Caribbean) it's unlikely to happen

gjg · 12/08/2023 19:04

YRGAM why do you suggest only western men under 50 enjoy this sexual activity? Young people haven't invented sex.

nomoretoriesforme · 12/08/2023 19:11

Captainspaulding · 12/08/2023 13:02

Muslim men will not do it

Not true.. Depends on a man.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2023 19:14

I’d have responded to his ha ha so funny joke with ‘Don’t give, don‘t get!’ Fine if he doesn’t want to give oral, each to his own, but he can’t then complain that you don’t either.

Sandunesandseashells · 12/08/2023 19:15

Chonk · 12/08/2023 18:05

@Sandunesandseashells But he wouldn't taste any milk unless you're actually lactating! Does he not realise that?

When I try to explain away any of his - in my opinion - ‘dubious’ beliefs, his final excuse is that he had no school biology lessons, despite being university educated. I don’t want to derail as it’s like going down a rabbit hole but one closely related example: he says an Imam on the TV advocated that older men who in these modern days have to share offices with young women should suck on their nipples when they start in the job to ensure there will be no infidelity!

There’s been so many revelations over the years which leave me genuinely gobsmacked and when my first reaction was to laugh we didn’t get to have a conversation so now I try to be inquisitive and non-judgmental to learn the why’s and wherefore’s before offering a different perspective.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/08/2023 19:25

Id encourage him to give you stimulation at that specific location using his hands and some oil and lube instead

a gentle touch is as good as a tongue

basically !

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 12/08/2023 19:32

cursedshed · 12/08/2023 15:09

I enjoy it, in a committed relationship. Nothing to do with porn.
(Surprising you're not more open minded, with that sizeable stick you've clearly got shoved up your ass)

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Hopefully not a meat stick 😂

ArcticSkewer · 12/08/2023 19:32

Can't you just find someone better in bed?

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 19:36

Sandunesandseashells · 12/08/2023 19:15

When I try to explain away any of his - in my opinion - ‘dubious’ beliefs, his final excuse is that he had no school biology lessons, despite being university educated. I don’t want to derail as it’s like going down a rabbit hole but one closely related example: he says an Imam on the TV advocated that older men who in these modern days have to share offices with young women should suck on their nipples when they start in the job to ensure there will be no infidelity!

There’s been so many revelations over the years which leave me genuinely gobsmacked and when my first reaction was to laugh we didn’t get to have a conversation so now I try to be inquisitive and non-judgmental to learn the why’s and wherefore’s before offering a different perspective.

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That's...mm. I'm sure it could be true but sure not taking the piss? I mean earlier I was like well that's something I've not heard before, now you've got me again.

Sandunesandseashells · 12/08/2023 19:41

Absolutely true. I have to tread carefully as he is very proud so I can’t be dissing him or his culture in any way whilst trying to disabuse him of various nonsense. I also have no way of knowing whether it is a widespread thing or not, as I’ve only told my closest friends until today.

YRGAM · 12/08/2023 19:48

gjg · 12/08/2023 19:04

YRGAM why do you suggest only western men under 50 enjoy this sexual activity? Young people haven't invented sex.

I didn't say that. I said the majority of Western men under 50 will. Some won't, but most will. Whereas for men over 50, some will but most won't

Sandunesandseashells · 12/08/2023 19:55

So I did a Google, thinking there must be a Hadith or some interpretation of one and it seems it originated from a Fatwa: The fatwa said that if a woman fed a male colleague "directly from her breast" at least five times they would establish a family bond and thus be allowed to be alone together at work. "Breast feeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage," he ruled.

Sandunesandseashells · 12/08/2023 20:00

Apologies @bloodydoublestandards , enough derails; back to the 69-ing, or in your partner’s case 68 (you do me and I’ll owe you one)

Oatycookies · 12/08/2023 20:01

BananaSlug · 12/08/2023 14:44

this is my experience as well I’ve only dated black men and a lot of them won’t do it (not all obviously but the major it I met are very against it) I’ve met more men that won’t do it and have said they never have or would than those that do (again not all before anyone says anything just speaking from my personal experience)

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Interesting. All the ones I’ve met do it. I don’t know what race you are but Some men (of all races) take the piss when they date outside their race though and link everything back to “it’s my culture” as an excuse and often the woman doesn’t know any better 😅

Oatycookies · 12/08/2023 20:09

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 12/08/2023 16:40

I'd have responded "You're the one that took oral sex off the table not me 😂" and left it at that.

If he says he didn't remind him he said he doesn't want to go down on you. Has that changed?

If he replies saying he didn't say no blow jobs then I'd spell out "why would you expect me to go down on you when you wouldn't go down on me?" And watch him flounder.

This exactly. It’s what any women should do and say in this situation.

I’m baffled by women who would go down on men who wouldn’t go down on them. I can’t believe that’s a thing.

I wonder what his reply will be if OP lays it out like that. there is no defence really is there lol

BananaSlug · 12/08/2023 20:15

Oatycookies · 12/08/2023 20:01

Interesting. All the ones I’ve met do it. I don’t know what race you are but Some men (of all races) take the piss when they date outside their race though and link everything back to “it’s my culture” as an excuse and often the woman doesn’t know any better 😅

Show quote history

I didn’t say all don’t and I knew someone would come along to claim every one they met does but as someone already said it’s mostly Caribbean men it’s frowned upon (I’ve mostly dated Caribbean men not African so not sure there) so not something I’ve just made up, are you denying there are songs saying it’s disgusting? I’m not white btw….

EarringsandLipstick · 12/08/2023 20:19

But I can never understand how any woman would not enjoy recieiving oral if it dleivered properly.

Why on earth would this hard to understand?

People like different things, have different erogenous zones and are turned on differently.

It's not about it being done 'properly', it's preference. Of course, it can occasionally be that but it can't be assumed.

BananaSlug · 12/08/2023 20:21

I’ve had a quick Google and there are many articles about it and I’m half Caribbean so 🤔 at “women that don’t know any better” if you listen to dancehall music and bashment you will know that it’s something frowned upon to Caribbean men… and the ones that do it will generally not be honest about it to their friends

kinkii · 12/08/2023 20:24

EarringsandLipstick · 12/08/2023 20:19

But I can never understand how any woman would not enjoy recieiving oral if it dleivered properly.

Why on earth would this hard to understand?

People like different things, have different erogenous zones and are turned on differently.

It's not about it being done 'properly', it's preference. Of course, it can occasionally be that but it can't be assumed.

This. I don't like it. I don't like seeing a man in what I consider an unflattering position and it's a turn off. Nothing to do with performance

It goes without saying that we don't all like the same things