Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

[Batima]

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

To be clear the OP didn't say he stopped the car so she could get another cardigan from the boot. She said she got one from her case. That might have been after they had arrived but before dinner.

But she did say he raised the whole thing by saying could they stop on the way to buy a new one. And was 'annoyed', 'made a fuss', said it was unflattering, didn't like it, said her sister would never wear it.

And all this just about a cardigan? It is so not about the cardigan. It is either controlling or a relationship that has become stale.

A propos a comment upthread, I think this cardigan is very much comparable to socks and sandals.

This isn't a normal cardigan, it's the epitome of a dowdy one. So cardigans can be cool. Art students can make sandals and socks look cool. I've seen enough around where I live. Pink socks with an all black outfit can look cool especially is closed toe sandals.

But it is something the Op would wear. Short of it being dirty, threadbare or having offensive words on a logo, her dh had no business criticising her choice. Even if it wasn’t dressy enough (unlikely, given it was a casual family dinner), the most he should have said was ‘they’ll probably be dressing up for this’, to save the op potentially feeling out of place. If she decided to go ahead anyway with what she was wearing, then that’s fine and nobody’s business but hers.

In your opinion.

Lots of people on this thread disagree with you.

Firstly, why on earth didn't he mention it before you got in the car?
I think it's fine to say you're not keen on something but to ask if your sister would wear it would have me spitting chips at him!

I think it's fine (not knowing context eg how formal the in laws might be).

Tastes differ!

"Lots of people on this thread disagree with you."

Sigh. Again: they just don't like it.
They can't seriously argue that it's like wearing socks and sandals, for example.

I can’t imagine feeling the need to dress formally (and making my partner too) just to eat dinner at my own parents’ house. That’s so odd to me.

Why not? Because you don't agree? lol.

What's wrong with wearing socks and sandals?

I can hand on heart say that I don't police what DH wears ever. As long as he's not leaving the house with a bollock hanging out then what he wears is entirely his business, if I don't like it then that's a me problem.

I do think that many people, including the OPs DH and many of the posters on here, give way too much of a shit about the impression they make on other people.

The cardi is absolutely fine, there is nothing wrong with it.

I think it is more the case that it is not to your husbands taste and as such he thinks you don’t look your best in it.

I wouldn’t like this but equally, I have told my husband that a top he kept wearing looked awful. I didn’t say anything the first few times he wore it because I felt mean but honestly, it made me stop fancying him when he had it on.

Most families dress up on certain occasions - it's fun, gives it a sense of occasion. Varies from family to family whether it's only triggered by weddings Vs Sunday lunch or somewhere in between. I would trust DH as to whether a particular occasion was dress up in his family.

Weird to wait till you’re actually in the car before commenting but maybe he was building up to it. My DH knows better than to tell me what he doesn’t like, but he’s very complimentary about the stuff he does like, so I get the message.

It's a perfectly smart cardi.

I do tell DH when I think his clothing choices are inappropriate or if something is too scruffy or dirty tbh.

I also know that DH hates cardis!

So I think sharing opinions on clothing can be ok within a marriage but I am much less sure about his instruction and tone.

I wouldn’t have taken that as a compliment. ☺️. It sounds like it could have been one of those “well so long as you are comfortable”.

I think it is ok to comment on partner’s clothing, I have just told DH to change because he was looking a bit scruffy and unmatched.

I disagree with you here. I pay a lot of attention to what my dh looks like and how he’s dressed. He does me-he’s always saying something looks nice or I look great in that dress or whatever. I’ve jokingly mentioned he only has clothes fit for his allotment, but there are plenty of items which look great on him and I say so. It’s one of the nice things about being married is that someone pays attention to you. And if I wore something to granny like (as I’m too old to wear it in an ironic way), then I’d be disappointed if he didn’t tell me. Just goes to show we’re all different and have different expectations of marriage.

What? She’s right, the cardigan is not particularly nice. This opinion isn’t wrong just because it isn’t the same as yours.

I think its fair enough to mske a comment if he thought the jumper scruffy or not good enough for the occasion. I have done this myself. But up to the person if they change or not.

What a cunt he is. For all of it. And for comparing you to your sister, repeatedly.

She said 'YABU'
This is the Relationships board
AIBU is yonder

HTH.

Weird to wait till you’re actually in the car before commenting but maybe he was building up to it.
Maybe he didn't notice until they were in the car. It really depends if it's part of a bigger picture of him undermining OP, or more of a one-off uh, actually my family will be dressing up for this one, could you be a bit smarter sort of thing. The latter I think a lot of couples do to each other.

I do think that many people, including the OPs DH and many of the posters on here, give way too much of a shit about the impression they make on other people.

I agree, but that’s their burden to bear, or deal with. The worrying thing is when they start giving way too much of a shit about the impression their partners make on other people, as a way of shifting the focus from their own insecurities.

I agree with pp that he was very wrong to compare you unfavourably with your sister. That is not ok.

As for telling you that he doesn’t like the cardigan I think that’s ok. He also said you can tell him if you don’t like something he wears. Many couples will be honest about what their partner is wearing.

I got the impression from what you wrote that he may have been stewing over this for some time. Sometimes when we stew over something that bothers us it eventually comes out in the wrong way.

Maybe it’s time to evaluate communication in your relationship. You should be able to communicate with each other in a respectful way.