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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel down about something that happened

105 replies

littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:02

Been with DP for a couple of years now, mostly happy together, although there have been a few little arguments about things.

But..something happened recently which I cannot seem to shake off. It comes back to me often, and admittedly makes me sometimes cry when I recall it.

We were away for a weekend around 3 months ago when, out of nowhere (we were having a normal conversation) he hurt me. I don't want to go into much further detail than that, but it was unprovoked, unexpected and took my breath away. It hurt me. It could have potentially broken a bone. It literally came out of nowhere.

He could see I was in pain and I cried, he did apologise and cuddle me afterwards and we have both never mentioned it again. But I cannot stop thinking about it. I don't know what I want from this post really. I have never told a soul about any of this and I'm not going to either. I just needed to write it down I think :(

OP posts:
user1477249785 · 09/08/2023 14:03

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just to check I've understood: in the middle of a conversation, out of nowhere, he was physically violent toward you?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 14:05

You need to run for your fucking life. Only a deeply, deeply disturbed and dangerous person would do something like this. His mask well and truly slipped that day. He is not the man you thought he was.

Get away from him.

Original poster
littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:05

@user1477249785 basically, yes, that is what happened. I can't get my head around it

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 14:06

Mm I bet he agreed never to mention it. Until the next time. And there will be one.. Make plans to end things op.

RayofSunshine18 · 09/08/2023 14:06

I am so sorry that he hurt you. If he did it on purpose, and his aim was to physically harm you, then you need to leave as quickly as possible. It may have been the first time, but sadly, it will not be the last.

Frogmila · 09/08/2023 14:06

As in deliberately? Sorry to be slow.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 14:07

littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:05

@user1477249785 basically, yes, that is what happened. I can't get my head around it

There is nothing to get your head around. You take action based on the pure fact of what he did, and it's unforgivable. The "why" is not your problem to solve. A normal, caring person would never be able to understand what makes people like him tick anyway.

All you have to accept is that you cannot stay with this man.

ConcernedCatmother · 09/08/2023 14:08

Im sorry OP, but the lack of information makes it really difficult to give helpful and informed advice. Perhaps you just wanted to vent. But doesn’t sound like you should stay with him from the information given.

Aintgotthatswing · 09/08/2023 14:08

I am not surprised you can't get your head around it, who could? You are right to feel upset and confused. I can also understand why it has taken a while to process - that comes from shock. You need to be in a relationship with someone who cherishes you, this is not it.

Original poster
littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:09

It just seems so not like him though, that is what I cannot get my head around. I do sometimes think maybe I overreacted somehow? Or if he had done that to someone else would they have not been so sensitive as me? Would they still be recalling it 3 months on?

It really hurts my brain

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:12

I do think though that if you love someone you don't hurt them like that, I do think that he can't possibly love me, if hurting someone comes so easily

and yes, it was deliberate @Frogmila

OP posts:
BiscuitsandPuffin · 09/08/2023 14:13

Come on now. Just dump him and find another one. This model is faulty. You've seen his real self now.

Eyesopenwideawake · 09/08/2023 14:14

If you'd witnessed him doing 'that' to someone else, how would you have reacted?

Floribundaflummery · 09/08/2023 14:15

But why on earth didn’t you question him at the time and find out what he meant by it? What possible explanation could there be apart from he means you harm. Surely to goodness you know this is completely abnormal behaviour. Your instincts are screaming at you that it isn’t right. Get far away.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 09/08/2023 14:16

But why on earth didn’t you question him at the time and find out what he meant by it?
It's not OP's job to work out why he did it. Violent abusers don't need a reason. And she was clearly in shock at the time.

Seaweed42 · 09/08/2023 14:17

Whether he loves you or not is not the question.
Sitting and pondering those thoughts won't lead you to safety.

It's that he is a violent man who is capable of violence against others.

If there had been a camera in the corner and a friend of yours, who loves you and doesn't judge you, saw what happened, would you be ashamed?

If a stranger at the next table had come over and this to you deliberately, would you just forgive and move on?
Or would you be outraged and want to go to the police and report them for assualt?

There is your answer.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 09/08/2023 14:18

Sorry this happened to you. Out of character or not. Whatever it was it shouldn't have happened. He took it too far and he should know your boundaries (in all things) by now. The potential for a broken bone is scary. No wonder you can't shake it. The fact he doesn't want to talk about it and it's like nothing happened means he knows he's gone too far but it could also mean to him that you've accepted it. Which could be dangerous.

If you can't talk to him about it for whatever reason maybe you both aren't compatible. You should be able to feel like you can talk to him about anything, no matter what without fear of pain, judgement or retaliation of any kind.

I hope you can come to terms with whatever has happened and use your judgement. Put yourself first. Your physical welling being and mental health are more important than upsetting him with a conversation.

uuughhhshsh · 09/08/2023 14:22

The fact that he did it during a casual and nondescript moment is even worse than if he’d done it in anger during an argument (although, of course, that is completely unacceptable too). What he did was cold, calculated and evil. He sounds like a total psychopath.

Elsiebear90 · 09/08/2023 14:24

So he out of nowhere physically assaulted you? It wasn’t an accident and he had no explanation what so ever for it?
This guy is a psycho, you need to lead asap. This was a test, I would bet there are other red flags, but you haven’t realised.

Original poster
littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:24

Thank you all for replying. My mental health hasn't been too well for a little while and sometimes I feel like I am cracking up.

I really appreciate you all for taking the time to reply to me

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 09/08/2023 14:25

His mask slipped. That must have been terrifying. You saw what he's really like and if you'd never suspected that before, it must have been an awful shock.

What's your situation - do you live together? Share rent or a mortgage? Do you have children together?

Frogger8395 · 09/08/2023 14:26

Did this happen in public?

In what other ways is he abusive?

sodthesodoff · 09/08/2023 14:26

I agree with a pp. he sounds like a psychopath.

To go from normal to as you describe nearly breaking a bone. That's not normal

How can you ever trust him again? You can never relax because even in the 'good' moments when he's happy and everything's fine he could still hurt you. Because him being happy doesn't mean anything. He can turn on you in an instant

I also find it a bit gas lighty it's not been mentioned since. Like almost pretending it never happened.

I think you're in real danger here op. I think you need to tell people. Make it real. As hard as I know that will be.

You need real life support

user1477249785 · 09/08/2023 14:28

OP the reason you are struggling so much to grapple with this is because it is REALLY BAD. It's not you overreacting. It's not your fault. It is deeply disturbing and makes me really really worried for your safety. A man who can do that - with no explanation - and then make it up 'with cuddles' and never mention it again, is dangerous. He will do it again. It'll be worse next time. It isn't out of character, it is his character but he's deliberately hidden this part until now. You need to make plans to leave for your own safety.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 14:29

Op, I think you're struggling with your mental health so much is because you know you have to leave him. You posted here today because you needed to validate your feelings that something is very, very wrong with him. You know you must leave him. There can be no excusing away what he did.

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