Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Feel down about something that happened

105 replies

littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:02

Been with DP for a couple of years now, mostly happy together, although there have been a few little arguments about things.

But..something happened recently which I cannot seem to shake off. It comes back to me often, and admittedly makes me sometimes cry when I recall it.

We were away for a weekend around 3 months ago when, out of nowhere (we were having a normal conversation) he hurt me. I don't want to go into much further detail than that, but it was unprovoked, unexpected and took my breath away. It hurt me. It could have potentially broken a bone. It literally came out of nowhere.

He could see I was in pain and I cried, he did apologise and cuddle me afterwards and we have both never mentioned it again. But I cannot stop thinking about it. I don't know what I want from this post really. I have never told a soul about any of this and I'm not going to either. I just needed to write it down I think :(

OP posts:

Original poster

littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:31

I don't want to give any further info more than what is in my OP, it was hard enough thinking about posting the OP with that scant info in it tbh. I do also feel like its almost as though it never happened, as you say @sodthesodoff . That's why I question myself sometimes. I know it happened but I can't grasp it properly. If that makes any sense at all :(

OP posts:

ClawedButler · 09/08/2023 14:33

It doesn't matter how long ago it was. It doesn't matter what you have or have not said about it since. Sometimes it takes a long time to process something like this, especially when you are struggling with your mental health. It's easy for us on the outside to say "Why didn't you....xyz"

You also don't need to rationalise this. Mainly because it CAN'T be. It was an irrational act. The fact that it is preying on your mind is because it was wrong, so very very wrong, and all your instincts are telling you it was wrong. This is not "over-thinking" - it's your logical mind trying desperately to make it OK (it wasn't that bad, you're over-reacting, maybe it's normal...) when your gut is yelling at you that it is not, never was, and never could be OK.

You don't need a logical reason to break up with someone. Simply feeling uncomfortable with them is enough. No-one is obliged to stay in a relationship that isn't working because they can't come up with a reasonable enough justification for leaving, one that meets the approval of their partner and the wider world.

CallistaFlockfart · 09/08/2023 14:33

littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:31

You don't need to make sense of it.
You need to leave as quickly and safely as you can.
Contact Women's Aid when he's not around.
Don't stay for the next time.

Olika · 09/08/2023 14:33

You need to leave him. That's not normal behaviour.

Chewbecca · 09/08/2023 14:36

The circumstances do matter IMO.

If it was malicious, if there was intent to physically hurt you whatsoever, I would say leave.

I would find it forgivable though if it was messing around, in jest, accidental etc.

It sounds like it was intentional though?

tattygrl · 09/08/2023 14:38

Trust yourself, OP.

The only perception that really matters in your own life is your own.

It doesn't matter if someone "less sensitive" wouldn't have minded this (although honestly OP being physically hurt by another person is never ok). The fact is, it hurt and now bothers you.

You are the one in this relationship. You are the only one living and experiencing your own life. You don't have to stay with someone just because you suspect that a different person, in this situation, might not be as upset as you are. That doesn't matter! It's you in this situation, and it's you who is experiencing these emotions and flashbacks.

There is absolutely no reason to doubt and question your response here. Someone you trust intimately and felt safe to be alone with and vulnerable with hurt you. It took you by surprise, which no doubt added to the shock. It doesn't matter that this man isn't a monster or a violent man "normally".

No person is 100% one thing. He might very well be normal and kind and caring most of the time.

He also is clearly capable of unprovoked violence. For this reason, you need to leave him.

Please don't waste time over-analysing your feelings and trying to come up with ways of understanding why he did what he did. It doesn't matter. He did it. If you saw a man you didn't know do this to a woman you didn't know, what would you think? What would you think if a friend or family member experienced this from their partner? The same applies to you. You deserve safety.

kidsonthemoon · 09/08/2023 14:38

I think you realise that for someone to suddenly lash out and hurt someone, enough to have potentially broken a bone, it is a very serious and dangerous situation to be in. He is dangerous. I know that these things are written on MN all the time, you need to LTB, he doesn't care about you, etc etc, but this is real. He is a very real threat to your safety.
Please don't be fooled into thinking you are over reacting, imagining it to be worse than it is. Please do whatever you need to do to put as much distance between yourself and him. Cut all contact and don't look back under any circumstances.

ClawedButler · 09/08/2023 14:38

And I would echo PPs - this man is dangerous. You simply do not know when he could hurt you again. He's not an angry man struggling to control his temper - he's done this coldly, calmly. That should scare you, because it scares me.

Cowlover89 · 09/08/2023 14:40

Please leave him. Hope you're okay x

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 14:41

That's bizarre.

I can understand if he suddenly reached out to flick a fly from your hair and likes you in the eye by accident, or went to lean in for a kiss and you moved and he accidentally head butted you .....

But you are saying he randomly punched you, or twisted your arm or karate chopped you at a completely random moment?

I would imagine that's some kind of behaviour from a psychopath and that he was testing you.

You are in danger.

I'm sure I read about someone or watched a documentary of someone who was a murderer completely out of the blue and he described ordinary situations where he was having a meal with his wife and would imagine getting up and taking an axe to her head and that the thoughts kept reoccurring until he actually did kill her.

Ohpleeeease · 09/08/2023 14:45

He was testing you. If you allow yourself to believe it didn’t happen, or that it didn’t matter that much, he’s won.

NutellaNut · 09/08/2023 14:46

Leave, asap! You haven’t provided any details, but if he literally hurt you out of the blue he sounds like a psycho. Get away from him this dangerous and unpredictable man now before he seriously injures you.

CardiganBardigan · 09/08/2023 14:46

You don't have to give any more info on this thread. But you may want to have a look at the checklist below and be honest with yourself about whether any of these other behaviours are present in your relationship.

You don't need to understand why he did it. You just need to make sure you're safe so that he can never do it again.

&bull;	Isolating you from friends and family
&bull;	Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
&bull;	Monitoring your time
&bull;	Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
&bull;	Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
&bull;	Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
&bull;	Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you&rsquo;re worthless
&bull;	Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
&bull;	Controlling your finances
&bull;	Making threats or intimidating you

Dery · 09/08/2023 14:47

Agree with PP - you can’t forget it because he thought it was okay to do something that physically hurt you. From what you say, it was intentional and something he knew could hurt you. Decades ago an American BF contrived to elbow me in the shoulder quite painfully but it was a total accident, I understood why the accident happened and I moved on from it very quickly. What you’re describing is different. This guy sounds like bad news.

Bearpawk · 09/08/2023 14:53

When he apologised at the time did he give an excuse for why he hurt you?
I'd be running for the hills - you don't need permission or any excuse to leave a relationship - but lashing out violently out of nowhere is a very very good reason.

TaigaSno · 09/08/2023 14:55

What's your current home situation? Do you live together? Shared mortgage or tenancy? Any children?

Like others, I would advise you to separate, or at least agree to take a break from seeing each other so you can have some time to think. But I realise it's not always that easy depending on home and family circumstances.

Regardless, what he did was not normal behaviour. It's no wonder it's still playing on your mind. I worry you will continue to live in fear of when he might do the same again and that's no way to live a life.

HotPringles · 09/08/2023 15:02

littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:12

I do think though that if you love someone you don't hurt them like that, I do think that he can't possibly love me, if hurting someone comes so easily

and yes, it was deliberate @Frogmila

You’ve hit the nail on the head there @littlemeg11

And there is nothing else to it.
Someone who hurts you like this just cannot live you. Even if they cuddle you afterwards. Even if he apologised.

Seeing that it’s still affecting you now, what does he say when he sees you cry?

gothshot · 09/08/2023 15:06

This is totally bizarre and you should leave him immediately.

Backstreets · 09/08/2023 15:11

I’d be out the fucking door. Good luck to you op.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/08/2023 15:16

Why can't you ask him? I'm assuming you're frightened of him?

Goneblank38 · 09/08/2023 15:18

Hey op, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's sounds terrifying and really disturbing. Please leave this man. I think you know that this is deeply abnormal behaviour. You don't need to understand him or get your head around it. You know what happened and you know it means the trust is gone. It'll happen again.

There's some really good advice in this thread already.

All the best to you.

Goneblank38 · 09/08/2023 15:18

Also, well done on posting and reaching out to others.

3rdtm · 09/08/2023 15:21

I can't judge this without knowing what exactly happened.

Was it something that he intended to be playful and he misjudged the impact? Or was it something malicious?

I understand you don't want to share though.

Maybe you can speak to a counsellor about this?

JibbaJab · 09/08/2023 15:23

No, that's not right and it's still haunting you because deep down you know. You don't hit someone you love, ever. Besides that any decent man would never hit a woman, I never have.

However, just like you I had the same experience with my wife. Wasn't even doing anything sat down, just talking as you do came behind me and hit me so hard I got concussion and lost my memory. I was so deep in it I still didn't leave and with that memory loss I got trapped. Guess what it got worse and worse as the years went by.

If I knew what I know now about abuse and what was to come I would have got myself out long ago. Don't be like me, you don't deserve it, nobody deserves to be hit by someone you're supposed to feel safe with.

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 15:24

Intentionally?

I mean DH done things like step on my toe or accidentally hurt me when we've been mucking about but nothing violent or intentional or flying off the handle or anything like that. I can't get the sense of it from the information given, but yes if he is violent it is unlikely to get better.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5