Feel down about something that happened

[littlemeg11]

Been with DP for a couple of years now, mostly happy together, although there have been a few little arguments about things.

But..something happened recently which I cannot seem to shake off. It comes back to me often, and admittedly makes me sometimes cry when I recall it.

We were away for a weekend around 3 months ago when, out of nowhere (we were having a normal conversation) he hurt me. I don't want to go into much further detail than that, but it was unprovoked, unexpected and took my breath away. It hurt me. It could have potentially broken a bone. It literally came out of nowhere.

He could see I was in pain and I cried, he did apologise and cuddle me afterwards and we have both never mentioned it again. But I cannot stop thinking about it. I don't know what I want from this post really. I have never told a soul about any of this and I'm not going to either. I just needed to write it down I think :(

I grew up in a household with domestic violence. I would dump anyone that hurt me, especially if they almost broke a bone. I don't care how sorry they were, if they cried. I could never feel the same about them.

So for no reason he physically assaults you in the middle of a conversation? This is so disturbing and bizarre. I think if he can do it once he can do it again. I couldn't stay with a man who would deliberately inflict pain on me.
Unless it was a scenario like - you were both messing around and had an arm wrestle and it hurt you. Then he realised and immediately stopped and apologised. Apart from that I can't really imagine any type of situation where he'd physically hurt you in the middle of a conversation.

I think people are asking for more details because it can be hard to tell if this was genuinely malicious. But I'd say that the fact that it's still hanging over you is a sign that yes, it was. And that's why you're struggling so much.

eg, DH once did that thing where he flicked me with a tea towel. It hurt. I was furious. He apologised. he never did it again. he genuinely just thought tea towel flicking was a fun thing. I get that because my brothers felt the same when I was growing up. But it always hurts and I hate it. So until this thread, I hadn't thought about that situation again.

The fact that you can't let it go means there is something wrong. And I'd be very cautious.And honest with yourself - are there more signs of abusive behaviour? Do you walk on eggshells? Does he complain about your friends/families/activities/hobbies/dress? Do you have equal access to finances? Do you feel comfortable saying/doing whatever you like?

You need to get away from him.

As soon as humanly possible.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but he'll probably do it again. And what if he hurts you worse or does something that could end your life next time.

There are lots of very strange, disturbed, disordered people on the world. You need to protect yourself from them when it be oned apparent.

*becomes apparent

I don't get why you are posting yet don't want to give any details? Very odd.

Either tell the story or don't.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
How old are you, and I'm guessing you don't have children together?
What he did was horrible. It's hard to know whether he genuinely meant it or it was an accident or joke gone very wrong by what you have written. However it will happen again, and likely get worse.
Without knowing the full details I'd say leave.
He nearly broke a bone. There's no way this can be ok x

Whether or not this horror of a man "loves you" does not matter.

I expect you are revisiting it often because it was sudden, traumatic and unexpected. On a subconscious level you no longer feel safe with this man because he has deliberately hurt you. It sounds like he has a nasty streak and was testing you to see how you would react, I can’t think of any other reason why someone would behave this way. It is unacceptable and abusive behaviour.

Many of the women here who have experienced abuse will tell you that once a man is physically abusive and gets away with it, they are very likely to do it again. Could you speak to Women’s Aid or your local domestic abuse support service? Is he abusive in any other ways e.g emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative, financially etc?

Please listen to that voice inside that says something is wrong here and keep yourself safe.

I think you need to unravel your thoughts and probably the best people to help you are Women's Aid. I also think it would be better to phone rather than email or do chat as it will be easier to get your thoughts and feelings across. Once you understand it better, that is when you decide what to do.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Please don't stay with this man.

Please leave. He could kill you the next time it happens.

The details don't matter. How she now feels about it is what matters.

If she gives more detail than she feels comfortable with, all that's going to happen is a bunch of posters will try and tell her maybe he didn't mean it or maybe she misunderstood it, could he have tripped or slipped, or had some sort of reflex and accidentally caught her? Etc, etc.

I've seen it on here so many times. Women will post about how they're feeling a gut feeling that something is off and loads of posters telling her she's got anxiety and maybe he's planning a surprise birthday party or the missing condom was a posh wank or whatever.

All it does minimise it and make the OP feel even worse.

He hurt the OP, she is now upset and scared. That's all we need to know in order to tell her she should leave and get somewhere she feels safe.

You poor woman.

Your MH is struggling to understand what isn't comprehensible.

Your husband assaulted you and is clearly capable of it.

Unfortunately once that happens it is impossible to ever feel safe again.

Your struggle is that your gut is screaming at you to get away from him.

Your mental health is failing because you are desperate not to hear what you know to be true.

I am so sorry.

Please call Womens aid for a sympathetic ear and support.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

I think the context matters. If it was something that he thought was funny but was a complete lack of judgement, eg iI remember doing something myself to a friend more than thirty years ago and I’m still mortified I did this - a school friend had bent down to put her head under a tap to drink water and for some i unknown reason I thought it would be funny to jump on her back! Her tooth hit off the tap. It was ok but I’m still ashamed I was so thoughtless thirty years later.

@littlemeg11 Your opening post is very nearly word for word how I felt when my then fiance raped me. I had that feeling for the 30 years I was with my husband. He did a lot worse to me over those 30 years. It wasn't until we were breaking up that I found the courage to ask him about that rape. His response was immediate and angry and didn't leave me feeling any better.

Your subsequent posts also resonate very strongly with how I felt when I was with my husband.

Please don't be me. As PPs have said, this will get worse. I know it's difficult when you've been together all this time, when things are mostly good but he will do worse.

So what though? Even in the example you've given, it's about your feelings, not your friend's.

You feel sorry and wish you hadn't done it, doesn't mean your friend had to forgive you or keep the friendship if she felt your stupid behaviour crossed a line for her.

I don't know the contact as you're not comfortable sharing, but I'll share my similar experience. When I was 17 my boyfriend was 21. Not only much more experienced than me, but physically much bigger. He was a really loving person, until I was more confident/intelligent/ loud etc.

We went on holiday once and bought a chocolate waffle to share, I joking said ' I'm having it all' as I held it up in the air he hit me in the chest. Closed fist. It hurt, I teared up and ran into a shop to hide and cry. When he found me we both sort of just moved on. I was 17 and thought if he didn't mention it maybe I was being dramatic.

He did similar things at other points, hand over my mouth, holding me by the wrists. His way of showing that physically he would always be in control.

I imagine it would have continued if we hadn't split. He 'tried to kill himself' when I left 4 years later. That's how long it took for me to realise.

I would be interested to know what he is like with animals, particularly cats and insects.

Ignoring your gut will be the biggest regret of your life.

What you have to consider is that he got away with doing it.

There have been no consequences of his actions.

You have not split up with him/

He hasn't had a male relative or friend say to him that he was out of order/

He hasn't had the police speak to him.

He now has a sense of power and control over you.

CardiganBardigan

Maybe you’re right but if someone hurt someone else unintentionally that is very different to deliberately hurting someone?

If you hurt someone unintentionally you apologise but beyond that it's up to the person you hurt to decide what they want to do and whether they can accept it or not.

You're bringing your story up to try and discredit OP's own experience of what happened. 'Maybe he didn't mean it, maybe he's sorry'.

OP has told us she feels it was deliberate and that he isn't sorry.

So I don't know what your regret about your friend has to do with the OP. Unless you're trying to imply she might have got it all wrong, which would be very shitty.

I’m sorry to hear this OP.
LTB as soon as it is safe for you to do so.
Trust your instincts. Next time he will break a bone or worse. This was a first test on a pathway to escalating and controlling abuse.
x

CardiganBardigan

Wow. I can’t respond to you. You are too aggressive.