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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel down about something that happened

105 replies

littlemeg11 · 09/08/2023 14:02

Been with DP for a couple of years now, mostly happy together, although there have been a few little arguments about things.

But..something happened recently which I cannot seem to shake off. It comes back to me often, and admittedly makes me sometimes cry when I recall it.

We were away for a weekend around 3 months ago when, out of nowhere (we were having a normal conversation) he hurt me. I don't want to go into much further detail than that, but it was unprovoked, unexpected and took my breath away. It hurt me. It could have potentially broken a bone. It literally came out of nowhere.

He could see I was in pain and I cried, he did apologise and cuddle me afterwards and we have both never mentioned it again. But I cannot stop thinking about it. I don't know what I want from this post really. I have never told a soul about any of this and I'm not going to either. I just needed to write it down I think :(

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 17:56

If you had a daughter, what would you advise her?

Whatever you do, make sure you use effective contraception that you are in control of. Do not get pregnant with this man.

JibbaJab · 09/08/2023 17:57

@Wakintoblueskies @CardiganBardigan

I don't read that as aggressive, more that although you're trying to help with your own experience of hurting someone without intending to, which is fine, it's not coming across from OP as this was the case.

Getting punched for no reason at all by someone who apparently loves you and who you should feel safe with, however, is aggression.

sodthesodoff · 09/08/2023 17:58

Wakintoblueskies · 09/08/2023 17:49

CardiganBardigan

Wow. I can’t respond to you. You are too aggressive.

What on earth are you reading?

@CardiganBardigan hasn't been aggressive in the slightest.

If you don't agree that's fine. But don't try to discredit another poster by calling them aggressive. It's totally uncalled for.

Clymene · 09/08/2023 18:03

He's dangerous. Please leave.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 09/08/2023 18:16

This is one of those situations where context is necessary.

If you were mid conversation and he grabbed your arm angrily and twisted it. Then there is no question that he was unacceptable and leaving him should definitely be a considerations.

If you were mid conversation talking about when you used to be more physically expressive with each other and he went in to tickle you and knocked you over then that was an accident due to over exuberance.

Both fit the description you've given if being in the middle of a conversation and him suddenly doing something that hurt you and could have caused you to break a bone. One is undeniably bad, the other was stupid and reckless but not meant to harm.

Daffodil63 · 09/08/2023 18:21

Don't accept unacceptable behaviour-it's not on

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 18:23

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime She said it was deliberate.

Wakintoblueskies · 09/08/2023 18:24

FatAgainItsLettuceTime

That is the point I was trying (obviously badly) to make. Other posters are writing that the OP was ‘punched’ but nowhere in the OP’s posts mentioned the word ‘punched’.

I think all posters are trying to help. I put my experience which was seemingky seen as not validating the OP’s entitlement to be hurt but others are putting their experiences which are leaps and bounds from what the OP has written.

Clymene · 09/08/2023 18:27

No context is necessary. The OP has been perfectly clear

out of nowhere (we were having a normal conversation) he hurt me. I don't want to go into much further detail than that, but it was unprovoked, unexpected and took my breath away.

yes, it was deliberate

Please can we not add insult to injury (literally!) by implying she must have been mistaken, it may have been an accident, he didn't mean to do it or any other bullshit. He is physically abusive. It's utterly shameful to gaslight a woman talking about a man's violence against her.

sodthesodoff · 09/08/2023 18:30

Wakintoblueskies · 09/08/2023 18:24

FatAgainItsLettuceTime

That is the point I was trying (obviously badly) to make. Other posters are writing that the OP was ‘punched’ but nowhere in the OP’s posts mentioned the word ‘punched’.

I think all posters are trying to help. I put my experience which was seemingky seen as not validating the OP’s entitlement to be hurt but others are putting their experiences which are leaps and bounds from what the OP has written.

Still doesn't mean you can accuse other posters of being aggressive if you don't like what they're saying.

Noted there's no apology for that accusation.

Besides which the op said it was deliberate. He deliberately hurt her to point where she feared a broken bone.

FlossOnTheMill · 09/08/2023 18:33

CallistaFlockfart · 09/08/2023 14:33

You don't need to make sense of it.
You need to leave as quickly and safely as you can.
Contact Women's Aid when he's not around.
Don't stay for the next time.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Your posts make feel very worried about you, @littlemeg11 ........ This is not in any way normal or acceptable!

You need to leave, and do so as a matter of urgency.

Then do the Freedom Programme.

And get counselling. You need to get to the bottom of what got you to a point where you thought that there might possibly be an excuse for your abuser's violent assault.

JibbaJab · 09/08/2023 18:45

Wakintoblueskies · 09/08/2023 18:24

FatAgainItsLettuceTime

That is the point I was trying (obviously badly) to make. Other posters are writing that the OP was ‘punched’ but nowhere in the OP’s posts mentioned the word ‘punched’.

I think all posters are trying to help. I put my experience which was seemingky seen as not validating the OP’s entitlement to be hurt but others are putting their experiences which are leaps and bounds from what the OP has written.

If that was in relation to me, that was my experience I was using as an example, wasn't saying she had.

Twazique · 09/08/2023 18:56

A friend of mine had an abusive husband. She told me about having lunch out with their children, having a nice, normal time, when he stamped on her foot and broke her toe. She said he didn't say a word and she hid it so she didn't upset her children. She didn't know why he did it. I wondered if he didn't like her to be happy? Or maybe he liked the idea that she would never feel safe, or comfortable. That he always had that hold over her. Or maybe it was just because he could, and he knew that he could.

J7223j · 09/08/2023 19:00

most definitely get away now nobody with a good heart would do something like that. Please get away asap.

JibbaJab · 09/08/2023 19:08

Twazique · 09/08/2023 18:56

A friend of mine had an abusive husband. She told me about having lunch out with their children, having a nice, normal time, when he stamped on her foot and broke her toe. She said he didn't say a word and she hid it so she didn't upset her children. She didn't know why he did it. I wondered if he didn't like her to be happy? Or maybe he liked the idea that she would never feel safe, or comfortable. That he always had that hold over her. Or maybe it was just because he could, and he knew that he could.

From what I have experienced it's all manner of things, could be happy, you said something wrong, your tone or facial expression was deemed wrong or they just want to for no reason other than they want to hurt you in that moment.

But yeah it's control and power, they make you think it's equal but in reality it's not and they are above you and can do whatever. You however have to toe the line.

CardiganBardigan · 09/08/2023 19:12

Please can we not add insult to injury (literally!) by implying she must have been mistaken, it may have been an accident, he didn't mean to do it or any other bullshit. He is physically abusive. It's utterly shameful to gaslight a woman talking about a man's violence against her

Precisely.

I don't know what all the 'need more context' posts are trying to achieve. Is it so that with more details they can offer a 'both sides' argument where OP has maybe read the situation wrong?

Why can't we just believe a woman when she says she's been hurt and is scared, without trying to find an explanation that attempts to let the man off the hook for his behaviour?

Sleepytimebear · 09/08/2023 19:41

I think it can be really difficult when you're in a relationship with someone like this not to make excuses and to think you're overreacting. They tell you they love you, so it's really hard to understand how they can say that and hurt you. My abusive ex husband would jab me in the ribs but make out it was a game and hold me down so I couldn't move but pretending it was fun (for him, i hated it!). I told him he hurt me and he was too rough and he would just say "no I didn't" and walk off but sometimes I had bruises. It wasn't until months after we split that I realised he wasn't playing and just being too rough. It was deliberate. I also asked him constantly yo stop, he never did.

Your partner is dangerous. You're not overreacting. You have a right to feel safe in your relationship. The abuse will get worse.

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/08/2023 19:50

I'm so sorry this happened to you. If I've understood correctly, he deliberately hurt you by being violent towards you, and then you both moved on as if nothing happened? Yes, that is abuse. You need to leave.

The reason that it keeps haunting you and you haven't gotten over it is that your subconscious is telling you - screaming at you - that you are in danger. You say he could have broken a bone - what's to say he won't, next time?

You don't have to tell us the details but I'd really recommend writing them down on a note in your phone or in a journal. I did this when my DP started behaving badly towards me and it really helped. In my case, it doesn't sound as bad as what happened to you, but I still cannot say it aloud to anyone or even write it on a forum. Sometimes the shock of having someone you love hurt you is so overwhelming that you simply cannot hold the event in your head and think about it rationally at the same time. Having it written down in black and white means that I don't have to hold it in my head, and I can think about it much more clearly. It is also helpful to have that record for when you start doubting yourself, for when you start wondering if you're overreacting or if it even really happened. You read it back and think fuck, this is Terrible! This really happened, and it happened to me!

stiffstaff · 09/08/2023 19:51

Oh love I am sorry but you need to leave this man. His behaviour is not normal. He attacked you out of the blue, with no explanation, and it makes you cry when you remember it. He got away with it and will do it again. That is all you need to know. It is chilling.

Clymene · 09/08/2023 19:58

CardiganBardigan · 09/08/2023 19:12

Please can we not add insult to injury (literally!) by implying she must have been mistaken, it may have been an accident, he didn't mean to do it or any other bullshit. He is physically abusive. It's utterly shameful to gaslight a woman talking about a man's violence against her

Precisely.

I don't know what all the 'need more context' posts are trying to achieve. Is it so that with more details they can offer a 'both sides' argument where OP has maybe read the situation wrong?

Why can't we just believe a woman when she says she's been hurt and is scared, without trying to find an explanation that attempts to let the man off the hook for his behaviour?

Unfortunately MN is full of posters who want to give men the benefit of the doubt. And that's why it's important to shame them on it every single time. Shame them, not just challenge them.

It's utterly utterly despicable that a woman who is clearly having a hard time even typing this out is questioned.

If a woman confesses she is a victim of male violence, we believe her. We're not the police or a court of law. Women should be heard.

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 09/08/2023 20:09

When you say you have never told a soul, it's because you are ashamed of his behaviour. Abusers rely on victims keeping quiet. I think you need to call Women's Aid because when it happens again , which it will, it's just a question of time, you have something on record because he will strongly deny it and blame your MH. He has very concerning issues, this is not normal and he probably has previous history with ex partners. The damage is done, the relationship will never be the same because you will always have that fear and that's a terrible way to live. He's shown you what he's capable of, you can't just paper over the cracks because your instincts know something is very wrong.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/08/2023 20:15

Sounds as if he may have done something stupid and dangerous as a practical joke. I have met men like that, but luckily not been close to one. They tend to insist that it was ‘just a joke’ and you should have more sense of humour. No, they should bloody well grow up.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 20:20

Do you live with him, OP? Can you get away from him for a while to think?

This is really not normal. Sorry that happened to you. 🌷

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 20:31

wehaveeaches · 09/08/2023 17:01

Ignoring your gut will be the biggest regret of your life.

As a woman of nearly 60, this is the universal truth.

In my life surrounded by wonderful women, our regrets are ALWAYS ignoring our gut.

Be it a man, a job, a move, a marriage proposal, a friend we tolerated......the greatest regret is not listening to our gut that was trying to warn us.

I too am guilty of this when young, but thank god it wasn't a critical decision.

I learnt from it thankfully.

lotusflower77 · 09/08/2023 20:31

CardiganBardigan · 09/08/2023 14:46

You don't have to give any more info on this thread. But you may want to have a look at the checklist below and be honest with yourself about whether any of these other behaviours are present in your relationship.

You don't need to understand why he did it. You just need to make sure you're safe so that he can never do it again.

•	Isolating you from friends and family
•	Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
•	Monitoring your time
•	Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
•	Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
•	Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
•	Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
•	Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
•	Controlling your finances
•	Making threats or intimidating you

This was what I was about to write. The way you are questioning yourself and being very passive suggests mental abuse could be the normal for you in this relationship and sometimes it starts so small that you don't realise it is happening and before you know it they are controlling your life and you are changing yourself to stay under the radar and to please them or keep the peace. I say this in no way judgemental to you. I have been there and you can get your strength back to leave. Write openly on here and listen to the advice given if you are doubting yourself Flowers