What would you think if your husband acted this way?

[Secondhandemotion]

I was diagnosed with cancer last year, in my early thirties. It was a huge shock and awful for everyone.

I'm through the worst of it now and mulling over some of the things my husband said and did during my treatments.

Got annoyed at having to take me to one of the testing appointments before I started chemo because he thought I could start taking myself to some appointments. My diagnosis was still pretty new and I was terrified. I got quite upset and he backtracked and said he hadn't realised it was such a needle heavy appointment (it required multiple blood tests over a period of time and i have quite a severe needle phobia). Was fine during the appointment itself.

Snapped at me on the phone and acted like I was an inconvenience when I asked him to bring me some clean clothes when I was in hospital with sepsis. Also didn't visit me every day. Was looking after our youngest child and still working, but only 10 hours a week. But was also doing loads of decorating as we'd started a renovation just before I was diagnosed. But... He was decorating the bathroom, which wasn't urgent. The ceiling paint had been flaking and he decided to get it done while he was doing everything else. So he was annoyed at me because he was busy doing something I think should have been a lower priority than me.

Got annoyed at having to take me for another biopsy because he thought I could have driven myself. Did take me, but there was an atmosphere and he didn't really talk to me. I was very scared of the second biopsy and it was quite a long procedure and painful. I ended up crying in the waiting room because I felt so unloved and like a burden but he didn't notice. When we got home, he had to immediately go out to pick up our son and I ended up doing some decorating because I couldn't handle the atmosphere that had been caused by inconveniencing him and delaying the decorating. He felt guilty and apologised when he got home and found me doing it and I told him I'd rather be in physical discomfort than live with the atmosphere he was causing and the knot in my stomach.

Drove like an idiot, too fast and erratic and close to other cars because he was annoyed at me about something I wanted to do before my chemo side effects got too bad. Sounds really silly, but I wanted to go to the shops and get some voiles for our bedroom. He didn't want them and said they would make the room dark, which I don't really understand. It's a south facing room. I kind of overruled him but I was spending a lot of time in the bedroom and felt like I had no privacy. He didn't talk to me all the way there and kept claiming that he wasn't driving erratically, that there was no atmosphere and that everything was fine. When we got to the shop, he stormed out of the car even though he knew I'd need to hold his arm to walk around. I was embarrassed and upset so I didn't even try to get out of the car and he phoned me asking what the fuck I was doing. Was then pissed off at me for wasting our time and more erratic driving home. He was very stressed with the decorating/kids/me and saw this as me creating another job for him, which I suppose it was, but I did point out that voiles are just put up on a kind of pressure pole so it's not something which requires lots of time or effort.

After chemo, he had to do things like getting up with the kids in the morning, which would usually be my job. He is a very hands on dad (and at that point was the person who did most of the childcare and housework as I worked full time and he was part time, so it wasn't exactly a huge departure from his usual responsibilities) but just not great in the mornings, whereas I am a morning person who is happy to get up. He was grumpy because he had to get up with our son and I said his name to ask for a glass of water and he loudly and angrily said "what??" as though I'd been harassing him for things. It put me off asking him for anything else even though I was suffering. But he did bring me the water and food etc.

After surgery, we hadn't made firm plans on who would pick me up because I didn't know what time I would be leaving and I was trying to minimise upheaval for the kids. I texted and told him my dad would pick me up, but then my dad told me he thought he had COVID. I called my husband to ask if he could fetch me and he was quite snappy and irritable on the phone because it meant his plans were changing at the last minute and he'd have to bring our son, but agreed to do it. The nurse then said it would be best if we knew when he was around town minutes away so that the porters could time getting me to the door, because my son wouldn't be allowed in the ward. I had to call him again to relay this and I knew he would be annoyed that I was 'harassing' him. He angrily answered the phone saying "what??" because I'd called him again while he was trying to sort out son's tea. I felt so uncomfortable and tense all the way home.

When I came out of the hospital with sepsis, it was nearly Christmas. He'd been very busy and we had no decorations up. I wanted to try to keep things nice for the kids so I asked him to get the tree down from the loft, which he did. But he wouldn't help me put it up or decorate it. I was really struggling and trying not to show it to the kids so I just said "this would go a lot more quickly if you'd help" and he said "I'm sure it would" and didn't move, so I had to do it alone. He has since said that he was exhausted from looking after us all/working/decorating the house and didn't want to do another job. I think his hands and knees were specifically sore from everything he'd been doing. But at that point I didn't know if my treatment would work and honestly thought it could be my last Christmas with the kids. He's always a bit funny about Christmas so I shouldn't have been surprised - finds it all stressful and the decorations are clutter and mess.

Obviously this is all from my point of view but he has acknowledged these things and doesn't disagree with my version of events. He has apologised and did apologise at the time, but kept doing it. I spent a lot of my time in bed feeling like I was dying but worrying about him, his moods etc and feeling so tense and uncomfortable. Things are ok now but I'm ok so I would expect that. I'm now able to help look after the kids and household. I don't know what would happen if my cancer comes back.

I don’t usually comment on posts but this is truly heartbreaking. You were going through one of the most terrifying ordeals anyone could possibly imagine and he was emotionally abusing you. I’m sorry this happened to you ❤️

He should have been there as a constant support, your rock. He should have been expecting to take you to every appointment as that’s what a supportive husband should be doing. He may have been lashing out as he was frightened of the outcome of your illness? Or is this his usual behaviour?

His behaviour was odd but probably driven by fear of losing you and/or losing control. Some people find it easier to “do” anger than fear.

is there an option for the two of you to talk this out with an experienced cancer counsellor or psychologist?

I did cancer treatment alone with a 15 year old daughter so only know one side of these circumstances.

Ah that sounds like such a stressful time for you, I hope you’re in recovery and feeling better now. All his behaviour is a big red flag that he’s not a good kind man - he doesn’t care about you as he should do. Think about how you would have reacted if he had cancer- would you have snapped at him or made him feel bad about it or made him do things he found physically difficult like the Christmas tree alone? In a way, this has shown you who he is so believe it and leave him.

My cancer psychologist said that anger is a secondary emotion, driven by something else and I needed to address the something else.

Firstly, I'm really sorry to read that you went through all of this, but I'm pleased you're now better and your cancer treatment behind you.

People will be along shortly to say your husband is a dick. However, I read your post and he sounds exactly like my STBXH . In some ways he tried his best juggling my illness, the kids and the household ( I also went through cancer treatment 9 years ago) but in other ways he was just downright impatient and thoughtless. It seemed like, as you say, I was deliberately being a nuisance when love and care in such a situation should come naturally.

I remember one occasion when I was being discharged from hospital after major surgery, and a friend had gifted a beautiful pot plant which i wanted to bring home. Even though it was quite heavy his attitude was "carry it yourself if you want to bring it home, it's ugly".

Everything seemed to be about the impact on him, even though I was the one going through scary treatment. In the end I decided that he had high anxiety and seemed incapable of putting other people's needs ahead of his own. Hence he is an ex. Years of emotional abuse and I'd had enough. Just something for you to think about, OP....

Sounds like he really doesn't handle stress well. Like pp said, he was probably terrified of losing you.

He should know his own nature though, and definitely should have paused the renovation project (and any other extra pressures) rather than take the stress out on you.

He might benefit from some therapy.

I think you know that he behaved very badly. Some people react to stressful situations with anger and irritability, however from your posts it sounds as though he was petulant and very centred on how your illness affected him. He can apologise until he is blue in the face but that won’t change the fact that when you needed him he wasn’t there for you. Only you know whether that is something you can live with/work through with him or if it signals the end of your relationship. If it had been him who was ill would you have treated him that way?

Thanks everyone. No, it isn't really out of character. He doesn't behave like that all the time and is often lovely but I'm realising that he's also often not been that nice to me. I've told him that I feel like I'm emotionally self sufficient in our relationship, which is sad.

I feel like he wasn't reliably there for me when I really needed him and he let me down in the worst possible way. Everything is fine now but I don't trust that I could rely on him if my cancer comes back. Everything is ok only when I am ok and able to contribute. He wasn't always like this, sometimes he was really reassuring and good at calming me down.

No, I would never, ever have reacted to him in that way. I deal with stress much better and don't take it out on everyone. I would have dropped everything to take him to appointments and reassure/comfort him. Husband and kids would have been my priority. I regularly looked after his lovely mum through her cancer treatment, but sadly she was terminally ill. I was looking after her, my son and was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy (I was incredibly ill with my first baby and had eclamptic seizures and ended up in ICU and the second pregnancy was not plain sailing) as well as some other stressful things, and I never, ever let on to her how stressed I was or made her feel like a burden. I treated her with kindness and acted like nothing was too much because I didn't want to make her feel bad. I'd never have treated her that way, or anyone else for that matter.

You poor woman.

That account is truly awful to read.

It wasn't a one off stress response but a general thread of unkindness and disregard at the most vulnerable of times.

It is a terrible breach of trustvand hard to imagine how you would ever feel safe again.

I think only you know if you wish to remain in such a relationship.

I hope you will tell family and friends the truth and the medical team, so that god forgive it returns you are better supported.

It is not unusual on MN for some men to simply not cope with their partner being unwell and any inconvenience to them or "reduced service" brings out a real lack of care.

You were undoubtedly at your most vulnerable and this is who he is in that situation.

Realistically you need to do whatever gets you through, but I would absolutely work on a back up plan for your future as I would never want to be made feel so additionally awful by someone when I was so seriously unwell.

I could NEVER image being intimate with him again. Ever.

I accept we are all different.

Keep posting, we are here for you, as you process this.

I truly am so sorry things were and are so hard.

He sounds like he resented looking after you. That you were failing your job looking after him. Egotistical man.

You cared for HIS mother and he repays you with this?

Christ.

You poor poor woman.

I think I would struggle to stay with someone who treated you like that during an awful health scare. Ask him how he would feel if he was I'll and you snapped at him and got angry at his most vulnerable. Unless he agrees to counselling and shows he is trying to deal with his stress threshold I couldn't see a future with him. I know some people don't cope with stress well so I hesitate to say LTB but he needs some CBT or something to help him deal with stressful times and taking it out on those closest to him. Is he loving normally when not under stress?

LTB ...

Another thing was his refusal to get WhatsApp, which doesn't sound like a big deal, but I couldn't contact him when I was in bed. I have very poor phone signal inside our house but my internet is fine. I would try to shout but he couldn't hear me and my phone wouldn't connect. So sometimes I was left in pain or needing food or drink and couldn't contact him. I'd either have to wait until somebody came into the room and could hear me, which was sometimes a couple of hours, or drag myself out of bed and down the stairs. He still refused to get it, even when I told him this. He eventually agreed to get a different internet messaging service which I also downloaded, so that I could reliably contact him, but that was after a couple of months of me asking him and trying to convince him. I ended up having to break down in tears and tell him how desperate I felt when I was do unwell and nobody could hear me and I just had to hope somebody would come to me soon, but I don't think I should have had to put do much time and effort in to getting him to download an app. I can't remember the reason for him not wanting WhatsApp, possibly privacy concerns, but I think that should have gone out of the window in that situation. His uneasiness about an app is not as important as me being able to ask for food or medication.

It’s really a sad shame that he wasn’t able to support you when you needed. I’d think he is emotionally dysfunctional and stunted.

it would breed discontentment within me and I’d shut off with a man like this, I’d struggle to continue to remain in a relationship with this unbalance. It’s finding out that you’ve been let down at your most vulnerable.

I think a safe space to explore this in couple counselling would be beneficial. I don’t think cancer specific work would be necessary but it might open doors for free therapy or be quicker.

ultimately it has opened your eyes to how he is and how he can be, and now it’s up to you what you do with that knowledge. Cancer can often end relationships for this reason- you reassess your priorities or your boundaries when you’ve literally stared death in the face. You know your worth, does he?

@Secondhandemotion he obviously thought the sickness and health vow was optional. The more you post the worse he sounds, unthinking, stubborn, selfish and antagonistic. He is never going to be a caring partner if you are unwell/stressed/emotionally
upset etc. If it were me I’d be seriously thinking about marriage counselling as a minimum. You are worth more than this. Are you family aware that he was useless when you were ill?

What a horrible, horrible prick he is. I am so sorry. He truly failed you.

He was only working ten hours a week? And he had to look after your son? But not in the mornings. Jesus Christ.

There is nothing that excuses the way he treated you. Posters who might come to defend him for being ‘scared’ can fuck right off. When my family members have nearly died or been terribly ill, I haven’t treated them like shit because I’m scared I’ll lose them, no one has. Fear is no excuse. He’s just shown himself to be entirely devoid of compassion and utterly cruel.

Horrible to read. I had a mere scare in 2019 and it involved lots of tests and appointments, turns out it was not too bad for me after all, but my husband would not have dreamt of not being there, never mind begrudged it.

I know I am not naturally a good nurse and I have wracked my brains to think of any kind of justification for this, but there simply isn’t any and you will never be able to rely upon this poor excuse of a husband,

I am still in treatment, but it is a lesser treatment and the worst stuff is out of the way. I still get some unpleasant side effects but I'm not bed bound or dependent on him.

I can see that he is trying to make changes and has been shocked when I point out his behaviour, but it always seems to slip back to this. There hasn't been much to complain about recently so I don't know why I'm dwelling on it all do much now.

I have asked for relationship counselling and he's said no. I asked if it was a choice between that and divorce, what would he say, and he said he'd do it. He said he wanted to try everything else first. He has joined the gym and I've been encouraging him to do a bit more socially so that he has an outlet for his feelings. He wasn't doing anything outside of the house or talking to anyone when I was ill. He really struggles to talk about his emotions. So I can see that he's trying to make changes now but I am still stuck on everything that happened when I was totally vulnerable and dependent on him.

It just gets worse and worse.

You poor woman.

What is your job, housing, financial situation now?

What age are your children?

What are your options?

I cannot get my head around such treatment.

Truly shocking.

Do your family and friends know of this?

Have hou been protecting him, by not telling the truth of this behaviour.

This is absolutely abusive in my mind.

Truly dreadful.

If you were my daughter I would be devastated to learn this and SO ANGRY.

My exh was like this. I was a major inconvenience if I was ill. Even when I was in hospital having his children he'd hardly visit. Then when he did he'd be causing a scene because everything had to revolve around him. Funnily enough he'd cause problems on nice occasions too, he especially liked to ruin my birthdays. Or if I had any type of good news or I was happy about something, well he'd have to knock me down a peg or two and ruin it for me.

Now my wonderful dh now is so caring and thoughtful. I became disabled very suddenly a few years back. And he's cared for and encouraged me ever since. I'm back on my feet but I still struggle with pain and some mobility issues. But he's there for me.

All the best for the future op x

I wouldn't want counselling with an abusive prick like him.

I would want counselling for myself to process that the man I married was a nasty abusive prick and how do I move forward.

I bet he hates you mentioning this.

I bet he hates you spelling out what an utter loser he is.

The last thing you need is to make a project of fixing this nasty prick.

Far better to focus on yourself and your future.

Please consider sending this thread to family and friends if you haven't told them the truth.

This treatment of you couldn't be in isolation, it is too shocking.

I would strongly recommend you ring Women's aid for advice and support.

You poor pet.

Why does he only work part time OP? It sounds like he's great when you're working FT and also doing lots of child care etc - but when he has to pull his weight it's all too much. You can't rely on him. The question is - is it worth trying to work through this? If he's working part time he needs to get up with the children etc - or he goes full time. Put a bit more pressure on him and see what things are like.

@Secondhandemotion quite often after the worst of a situation is over your brain starts processing thoughts and feelings about it. At the time you are in a stress response (fight/flight/freeze) and just dealing with surviving every day. Once that acute phase has passed you have the mental space to think about what happened and how you feel about it. Your husband doesn’t sound like he is willing to work with you at all, attending counselling under threat of divorce is ridiculous. He doesn’t want to change anything, just sweep it all under the carpet and move on.
I’d advise that you access counselling through the cancer service to work through your own feelings and where you want to go from here.