I was diagnosed with cancer last year, in my early thirties. It was a huge shock and awful for everyone.
I'm through the worst of it now and mulling over some of the things my husband said and did during my treatments.
Got annoyed at having to take me to one of the testing appointments before I started chemo because he thought I could start taking myself to some appointments. My diagnosis was still pretty new and I was terrified. I got quite upset and he backtracked and said he hadn't realised it was such a needle heavy appointment (it required multiple blood tests over a period of time and i have quite a severe needle phobia). Was fine during the appointment itself.
Snapped at me on the phone and acted like I was an inconvenience when I asked him to bring me some clean clothes when I was in hospital with sepsis. Also didn't visit me every day. Was looking after our youngest child and still working, but only 10 hours a week. But was also doing loads of decorating as we'd started a renovation just before I was diagnosed. But... He was decorating the bathroom, which wasn't urgent. The ceiling paint had been flaking and he decided to get it done while he was doing everything else. So he was annoyed at me because he was busy doing something I think should have been a lower priority than me.
Got annoyed at having to take me for another biopsy because he thought I could have driven myself. Did take me, but there was an atmosphere and he didn't really talk to me. I was very scared of the second biopsy and it was quite a long procedure and painful. I ended up crying in the waiting room because I felt so unloved and like a burden but he didn't notice. When we got home, he had to immediately go out to pick up our son and I ended up doing some decorating because I couldn't handle the atmosphere that had been caused by inconveniencing him and delaying the decorating. He felt guilty and apologised when he got home and found me doing it and I told him I'd rather be in physical discomfort than live with the atmosphere he was causing and the knot in my stomach.
Drove like an idiot, too fast and erratic and close to other cars because he was annoyed at me about something I wanted to do before my chemo side effects got too bad. Sounds really silly, but I wanted to go to the shops and get some voiles for our bedroom. He didn't want them and said they would make the room dark, which I don't really understand. It's a south facing room. I kind of overruled him but I was spending a lot of time in the bedroom and felt like I had no privacy. He didn't talk to me all the way there and kept claiming that he wasn't driving erratically, that there was no atmosphere and that everything was fine. When we got to the shop, he stormed out of the car even though he knew I'd need to hold his arm to walk around. I was embarrassed and upset so I didn't even try to get out of the car and he phoned me asking what the fuck I was doing. Was then pissed off at me for wasting our time and more erratic driving home. He was very stressed with the decorating/kids/me and saw this as me creating another job for him, which I suppose it was, but I did point out that voiles are just put up on a kind of pressure pole so it's not something which requires lots of time or effort.
After chemo, he had to do things like getting up with the kids in the morning, which would usually be my job. He is a very hands on dad (and at that point was the person who did most of the childcare and housework as I worked full time and he was part time, so it wasn't exactly a huge departure from his usual responsibilities) but just not great in the mornings, whereas I am a morning person who is happy to get up. He was grumpy because he had to get up with our son and I said his name to ask for a glass of water and he loudly and angrily said "what??" as though I'd been harassing him for things. It put me off asking him for anything else even though I was suffering. But he did bring me the water and food etc.
After surgery, we hadn't made firm plans on who would pick me up because I didn't know what time I would be leaving and I was trying to minimise upheaval for the kids. I texted and told him my dad would pick me up, but then my dad told me he thought he had COVID. I called my husband to ask if he could fetch me and he was quite snappy and irritable on the phone because it meant his plans were changing at the last minute and he'd have to bring our son, but agreed to do it. The nurse then said it would be best if we knew when he was around town minutes away so that the porters could time getting me to the door, because my son wouldn't be allowed in the ward. I had to call him again to relay this and I knew he would be annoyed that I was 'harassing' him. He angrily answered the phone saying "what??" because I'd called him again while he was trying to sort out son's tea. I felt so uncomfortable and tense all the way home.
When I came out of the hospital with sepsis, it was nearly Christmas. He'd been very busy and we had no decorations up. I wanted to try to keep things nice for the kids so I asked him to get the tree down from the loft, which he did. But he wouldn't help me put it up or decorate it. I was really struggling and trying not to show it to the kids so I just said "this would go a lot more quickly if you'd help" and he said "I'm sure it would" and didn't move, so I had to do it alone. He has since said that he was exhausted from looking after us all/working/decorating the house and didn't want to do another job. I think his hands and knees were specifically sore from everything he'd been doing. But at that point I didn't know if my treatment would work and honestly thought it could be my last Christmas with the kids. He's always a bit funny about Christmas so I shouldn't have been surprised - finds it all stressful and the decorations are clutter and mess.
Obviously this is all from my point of view but he has acknowledged these things and doesn't disagree with my version of events. He has apologised and did apologise at the time, but kept doing it. I spent a lot of my time in bed feeling like I was dying but worrying about him, his moods etc and feeling so tense and uncomfortable. Things are ok now but I'm ok so I would expect that. I'm now able to help look after the kids and household. I don't know what would happen if my cancer comes back.