What would you think if your husband acted this way?

[Secondhandemotion]

I was diagnosed with cancer last year, in my early thirties. It was a huge shock and awful for everyone.

I'm through the worst of it now and mulling over some of the things my husband said and did during my treatments.

Got annoyed at having to take me to one of the testing appointments before I started chemo because he thought I could start taking myself to some appointments. My diagnosis was still pretty new and I was terrified. I got quite upset and he backtracked and said he hadn't realised it was such a needle heavy appointment (it required multiple blood tests over a period of time and i have quite a severe needle phobia). Was fine during the appointment itself.

Snapped at me on the phone and acted like I was an inconvenience when I asked him to bring me some clean clothes when I was in hospital with sepsis. Also didn't visit me every day. Was looking after our youngest child and still working, but only 10 hours a week. But was also doing loads of decorating as we'd started a renovation just before I was diagnosed. But... He was decorating the bathroom, which wasn't urgent. The ceiling paint had been flaking and he decided to get it done while he was doing everything else. So he was annoyed at me because he was busy doing something I think should have been a lower priority than me.

Got annoyed at having to take me for another biopsy because he thought I could have driven myself. Did take me, but there was an atmosphere and he didn't really talk to me. I was very scared of the second biopsy and it was quite a long procedure and painful. I ended up crying in the waiting room because I felt so unloved and like a burden but he didn't notice. When we got home, he had to immediately go out to pick up our son and I ended up doing some decorating because I couldn't handle the atmosphere that had been caused by inconveniencing him and delaying the decorating. He felt guilty and apologised when he got home and found me doing it and I told him I'd rather be in physical discomfort than live with the atmosphere he was causing and the knot in my stomach.

Drove like an idiot, too fast and erratic and close to other cars because he was annoyed at me about something I wanted to do before my chemo side effects got too bad. Sounds really silly, but I wanted to go to the shops and get some voiles for our bedroom. He didn't want them and said they would make the room dark, which I don't really understand. It's a south facing room. I kind of overruled him but I was spending a lot of time in the bedroom and felt like I had no privacy. He didn't talk to me all the way there and kept claiming that he wasn't driving erratically, that there was no atmosphere and that everything was fine. When we got to the shop, he stormed out of the car even though he knew I'd need to hold his arm to walk around. I was embarrassed and upset so I didn't even try to get out of the car and he phoned me asking what the fuck I was doing. Was then pissed off at me for wasting our time and more erratic driving home. He was very stressed with the decorating/kids/me and saw this as me creating another job for him, which I suppose it was, but I did point out that voiles are just put up on a kind of pressure pole so it's not something which requires lots of time or effort.

After chemo, he had to do things like getting up with the kids in the morning, which would usually be my job. He is a very hands on dad (and at that point was the person who did most of the childcare and housework as I worked full time and he was part time, so it wasn't exactly a huge departure from his usual responsibilities) but just not great in the mornings, whereas I am a morning person who is happy to get up. He was grumpy because he had to get up with our son and I said his name to ask for a glass of water and he loudly and angrily said "what??" as though I'd been harassing him for things. It put me off asking him for anything else even though I was suffering. But he did bring me the water and food etc.

After surgery, we hadn't made firm plans on who would pick me up because I didn't know what time I would be leaving and I was trying to minimise upheaval for the kids. I texted and told him my dad would pick me up, but then my dad told me he thought he had COVID. I called my husband to ask if he could fetch me and he was quite snappy and irritable on the phone because it meant his plans were changing at the last minute and he'd have to bring our son, but agreed to do it. The nurse then said it would be best if we knew when he was around town minutes away so that the porters could time getting me to the door, because my son wouldn't be allowed in the ward. I had to call him again to relay this and I knew he would be annoyed that I was 'harassing' him. He angrily answered the phone saying "what??" because I'd called him again while he was trying to sort out son's tea. I felt so uncomfortable and tense all the way home.

When I came out of the hospital with sepsis, it was nearly Christmas. He'd been very busy and we had no decorations up. I wanted to try to keep things nice for the kids so I asked him to get the tree down from the loft, which he did. But he wouldn't help me put it up or decorate it. I was really struggling and trying not to show it to the kids so I just said "this would go a lot more quickly if you'd help" and he said "I'm sure it would" and didn't move, so I had to do it alone. He has since said that he was exhausted from looking after us all/working/decorating the house and didn't want to do another job. I think his hands and knees were specifically sore from everything he'd been doing. But at that point I didn't know if my treatment would work and honestly thought it could be my last Christmas with the kids. He's always a bit funny about Christmas so I shouldn't have been surprised - finds it all stressful and the decorations are clutter and mess.

Obviously this is all from my point of view but he has acknowledged these things and doesn't disagree with my version of events. He has apologised and did apologise at the time, but kept doing it. I spent a lot of my time in bed feeling like I was dying but worrying about him, his moods etc and feeling so tense and uncomfortable. Things are ok now but I'm ok so I would expect that. I'm now able to help look after the kids and household. I don't know what would happen if my cancer comes back.

I don’t usually comment, but I read this and thought I’d reach out.
I’ve worked on chemo unit, my mum has had cancer and I currently have a close relative who has cancer.
I really feel for you and some of his behaviour is not great and would hurt a great deal.
his mom has cancer and so do you, that is an awful not of pressure for one person especially when you add kids into the mix as well as a job.
im not saying his behaviour is acceptable but everyone has a breaking point.
like I say I’ve worked with cancer patients and there families for years and it can be just as hard for the people on the sidelines as the actual patients.
im just playing devils advocate here.
wishing you every luck in your treatment xxx

I think I've got it wrong, he was doing more than ten hours at the time, maybe 16 or 20. His job was very stressful - think a public facing service which is failing and members of the public shout at you all day. So he was really struggling with that. And I'm sure his days were pretty full on with me and the kids/work/cleaning. Not doing the renovations wasn't really an option because we were having plastering done, dust everywhere, doors/flooring/skirting boards replaced and the house was an absolute state. He was trying to get it finished so it would be more comfortable before I got too ill. I do understand why he was doing that and was grateful but the bathroom was not urgent and shouldn't have prevented him from coming to visit me. Although I think maybe he had removed all of the ceiling paint and was concerned that the plaster would get more damaged if he didn't repaint it quickly with everyone using the shower.

Obviously, this is all one sided. I'm quite messy and disorganised and have lower standards for the house, which does stress him out. But then lots of things seem to stress him out.

What a horrible time for you, and then to have your husband treat you like an inconvenience is just awful. He sounds very much like my partner and I always worry if I was to ever become sick he would make it as difficult as possible. He made me feel like I was in the way when I gave birth to our two children. Hated being at the hospital, and with my first child during labour he actually left and went to work as he was becoming agitated hanging around. With my second, he got off soon after the birth and when he came to pick me up he carried on because he had to hang around an extra 30
Minutes. I remember coming out of the ward and I was so thirsty as the ward was hot. So I asked him to stop by the vending machine I needed some money to buy water and he just stormed off telling me not to start. He will soon be my ex

He works more hours than that now - he was also made redundant while I was ill so has a new job. He's not workshy at all, I was a sahm for years and he did all of the financial providing which included paying for me to have driving lessons and earn a qualification which means I now have more earning potential. The job was just what he found to fit around my work/the kids and us sharing a car. It made sense logistically and meant that he could still keep on top of the house and do the school runs. Now that he works more hours, I would expect to renegotiate the housework once everything goes back to normal.

Your husband sounds awful and a lot like my ex husband (which is why he is an ex). Your illness was an inconvenience to him. Mine was like this when I had very hard pregnancies, C sections etc.

Your Christmas story resonated with me - I remember having a C section in late November and having to go out and get/put up a Christmas tree myself for DS’s first Christmas, 3 weeks post op. Ex H was also “stressed out” by Christmas so wouldn’t help with anything - I would do it all on top of a full time job and small children and he would scream abuse at me if asked to lift a finger to help. Bc he was “so stressed”.

He never once looked after me in 20 years.

The upside is that you will be very well equipped to cope alone if you leave the marriage. Life after marriage to a mean, selfish, zero empathy man is amazing.

Op you seem to have slipped into ‘defined’ roles and your dh possibly felt overwhelmed with what he perceived as extra tasks. However this doesn’t excuse his dreadful behaviour, I have CLL and my dh couldn’t be more considerate when I’m too tired to do much.
In future I think you need to be firm and point out that he needs to cut the attitude, you’re a team and if one is ill the other should step up gracefully to take the slack.
Also consider writing a daily journal for yourself, it may help you and if you wish your dh could read it and see how you really do feel.

I hope you’re on the mend.

I think someone supporting someone who is seriously ill doesn't have to be a wonderfully supportive angel all the time when they are picking up all the every day life stuff, stressed and worried to bits themselves.

However, he often just sounds resentful and unkind, treating you like an inconvenience, and just doesn't generally have your back and I'm so sorry you ended up worrying about his feelings on top of everything else.

I don't know what to suggest as the way forward but hope your recovery carries on going well and all the best to you.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Even a stranger would be kinder to you than that. He resented you being ill and he resented any demands that you naturally had to make e.g. needing water. During one of the worst periods of your life chose to make it 1 million times worse by behaving like a selfish, resentful, unkind prick. I would really struggle to get past that and I would be seriously looking at divorce.

I think/hope you know his behaviour isn’t at all ok or appropriate for a man who is meant to love and care about his partner?

He was cruel in many ways. I can’t imagine how scared and desperate you must have felt second guessing his reaction every time you needed some help or support on top of all the emotions you would have had coping with your actual illness.

Lying in bed needing a drink of water after chemo and having no means to contact him due to his refusal to have a phone app? And being anxious to call him to ask what time he will be collecting you from hospital? All of these are very basic human needs and communications and if he can’t cope with them or doesn’t want to even try to in order to ensure his life partner is being looked after in her illness then he’s exceptionally selfish and doesn’t care about your well-being.

I won’t suggest what you should do because that’s in your hands and your decision but I do want to reaffirm that none of what you have described is ok no matter how stressed he was. A single episode of him being snappy and seeming under pressure might be expected given all that was going on but he should then have apologised and made sure he worked on his own stress management not repeatedly made you feel alone or a burden. That isn’t a partnership OP and you know that.

He's not a kind man and he’s not someone you can rely on for love and support and if that isn’t the basis of a marriage then I don’t know what is really?

Some of his features do sound a bit like the consequences of trauma - what is his background like? The being on edge, not able to tolerate higher levels of stimulus / stress. Or aspects of neurodivergence - again not being able to tolerate higher levels of stimulus or stress. Unfortunately, the neurodivergence is untreatable and the therapy avoidance means he won't acquire management skills (aka prioritising you); and avoidance is a major feature of trauma - and again he's not embracing the idea of exploration and treatment (therapy).

How he treated you was awful, upsetting and no doubt heartbreaking. I'm sorry you were disabused of the notion that he would love and support you, at your most vulnerable. It doesn't really matter that much why he is as he is, especially given he is so reluctant to change.

I think it's really common (and healthy!) that after life changing events, you see things differently and assess what your life is about, what you want from your future, how you want to spend it and with whom.

I wonder if you've had a pattern of supporting others over prioritising your own well-being (keeping things on an even keel for him, supporting his mum whilst minimise your own needs).

Do you have support from friends and family in your life? If you wanted something different in your future, would that be very challenging to pursue? (Are you stuck in a rural area with small kids, no extra support and limited finances? Even then it can still be done).

Try not to feel guilty about the thought of leaving him. Even if it's not his fault that he is this way, you don't need to sacrifice your well-being to support his (he won't do the same for you). And the classic - do you want this relationship to be a model for your kids? If you've daughters, that's probably a bad idea x x

The thing that concerns me about your OP is that you modify your behaviour to try and avoid antagonising him.

You were worried about phoning him like the nurse asked you to
You caused yourself physical discomfort to try and placate him
You can't even ask for a glass of water without getting a negative reaction

Anything you ask for, because it's important to you, is shunned by him because it's not important to him. He should even temporarily get WhatsApp so you're not isolated and he should put up that Christmas tree for you. But he did neither because it meant something to you and not him.

He forced you to endure painful cancer procedures alone. Having someone with you resenting you for having to be inconvenienced to that level is such a lonely place.

He will not come good for you OP. I'm sorry you've got this to contend with as well as everything else. Life is too short and your life is too valued to have to live with this. I don't know how old your son is but I guarantee you he will treat your son the same - if he doesn't already.

Whether you stay or whether you go, try to find your worth and keep boundaries of physical and emotional safety for you and your DS. Sadly you will not get that from your H.

☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

I think you should insist on counselling. He couldn’t match the care you gave his own mother. That has to come out.

I think in counseling you should say I’ve been thinking so much about this, and I’ve done that cancer care for his mum, and I was a high risk pregnancy and exhausted and I gave and gave and gave. Then I got sick and he did not return any of that. So like I said I’ve done it. If he gets sick I’ve decided to be a different person. I’ll ask friends to help me hold the line. I won’t come to the bedroom and ask what he needs, if he wants a glass of water, if he needs somehting he can message me and maybe hours later I’ll read it. If he needs picking up and asks me to do it I’ll do it but I’ll put on a face and snap at him is this bloody necessary can’t you do anything for yourself now? And I’ll rev the engine and park the car with a jolt as I’m just so mad at him, and when we get there I’ll storm off and he can get his own walking frame out of the boot and follow because doesn’t he know I’ll have better things to do and other things stressing me out? And if there’s something that’s important to him like family Christmas was to me, I’ll say you’re on your own. If you’re well enough you can make it happen but don’t ask me for help.

I think it would really be useful for him to hear that; and for you to let it out. And it would really inform the therapist.

By the way- you ask;"what would you think"...
I would think he's narcissistic and probably also an addict. Is he?

This.

Your illness was an in inconvenience to him and he couldn't hide that feeling.

If you want more for yourself, find someone that's there during the good times and the hard.

You’re making excuses for the fact that he was hateful and selfish. The fact that he is refusing couples counselling is very telling. He doesn’t want to hear YOU. I’m guessing you are a wifebot who exists as a series of functions to facilitate his every need until you are broken and then he is a miserable fucker and you deserve to be punished.
There are much nicer men out there that don’t involve you putting in so much work maintaining the fantasy.

He was cruel and awful to you when you were having cancer treatment. Nothing , and I mean nothing excuses that.

I do think that how people react in an ongoing crisis is who they ultimately are
I think he sounds utterly nasty.
You'll be fine as long as no other traumatic life events happen ( deaths, redundancy, sickness etc)

I’m so sorry you went through this. These incidents sound awful but are they isolated incidents in months of supportiveness? Sometimes we remember all the bad bits. He was probably scared and stressed but that doesn’t take away that he behaved awful. The decorating was probably his way of coping and felt that he needed to do it. If he’s just had a few grumpy moments in all of this then I think he can be forgiven but only you know how it balances out in reality.

I have to say that I think they this is one of the most heartbreaking posts I’ve read. The thought of you lying in bed, desperate for food or drink when you’re so poorly makes me want to cry.

please take that reaction of an indication of how bad his behaviour is. Do not normalise it. It’s appalling.

I suspect that this is what he’s like and your Diagnosis Just brought it into focus.

im so glad the worst of your illness and treatment is over and I wish you well as you continue your recovery.

He sounds thoroughly horrible.

I can get frustrated/angry in a stressful situation-but with me!

There is no way he would enjoy sitting in counselling and you repeating to another human his treatment of you during cancer.

He wouldn't last one session and I would suspect would be very nasty and start DARVO.....look it up.

Ultimately it is your fault that you got cancer.

The WhatsApp refusal is so abusive as it denied you basic care like water when you were desperately ill.

I think speaking to Women's aid would be enlightening for you.

You poor woman, my heart hurt for you when I read how your husband had treated you. No one should leave their partner in pain and without medication or food if they know they’re dependent on them. That’s just shocking! I agree with PP and would say that anger is often fear or grief disguised as anger. Particularly in people who haven’t grown much emotionally.

i think counselling is urgently needed and a huge heartfelt apology to you with everyday actions that show you this won’t happen again. I would expect nothing less from my partner or we would be done.

My sil has breast cancer ( very end of her treatment now fortunately)

she is in Australia and one of the first things the doctors talked to her about was preparing for the possibility that her husband (my brother) would leave her.

He didn’t, but it is such a common occurrence that men leave their ill wives that it is inbuilt in their care structure.

This.

My husband was fine when I was fit and healthy and earnt more than him and did all the house work and childcare then I got pregnant again (his child) and I was seriously seriously ill. He was rude unpleasant and kept telling me I was pregnant not ill even when in hospital on a drip. Awful pregnancy he left everything to me, housework, holding down my job, childcare etc it showed me who he really was. A dick - total duck, selfish and rude / within a year we were divorced - best decision ever