What would you think if your husband acted this way?

[Secondhandemotion]

I was diagnosed with cancer last year, in my early thirties. It was a huge shock and awful for everyone.

I'm through the worst of it now and mulling over some of the things my husband said and did during my treatments.

Got annoyed at having to take me to one of the testing appointments before I started chemo because he thought I could start taking myself to some appointments. My diagnosis was still pretty new and I was terrified. I got quite upset and he backtracked and said he hadn't realised it was such a needle heavy appointment (it required multiple blood tests over a period of time and i have quite a severe needle phobia). Was fine during the appointment itself.

Snapped at me on the phone and acted like I was an inconvenience when I asked him to bring me some clean clothes when I was in hospital with sepsis. Also didn't visit me every day. Was looking after our youngest child and still working, but only 10 hours a week. But was also doing loads of decorating as we'd started a renovation just before I was diagnosed. But... He was decorating the bathroom, which wasn't urgent. The ceiling paint had been flaking and he decided to get it done while he was doing everything else. So he was annoyed at me because he was busy doing something I think should have been a lower priority than me.

Got annoyed at having to take me for another biopsy because he thought I could have driven myself. Did take me, but there was an atmosphere and he didn't really talk to me. I was very scared of the second biopsy and it was quite a long procedure and painful. I ended up crying in the waiting room because I felt so unloved and like a burden but he didn't notice. When we got home, he had to immediately go out to pick up our son and I ended up doing some decorating because I couldn't handle the atmosphere that had been caused by inconveniencing him and delaying the decorating. He felt guilty and apologised when he got home and found me doing it and I told him I'd rather be in physical discomfort than live with the atmosphere he was causing and the knot in my stomach.

Drove like an idiot, too fast and erratic and close to other cars because he was annoyed at me about something I wanted to do before my chemo side effects got too bad. Sounds really silly, but I wanted to go to the shops and get some voiles for our bedroom. He didn't want them and said they would make the room dark, which I don't really understand. It's a south facing room. I kind of overruled him but I was spending a lot of time in the bedroom and felt like I had no privacy. He didn't talk to me all the way there and kept claiming that he wasn't driving erratically, that there was no atmosphere and that everything was fine. When we got to the shop, he stormed out of the car even though he knew I'd need to hold his arm to walk around. I was embarrassed and upset so I didn't even try to get out of the car and he phoned me asking what the fuck I was doing. Was then pissed off at me for wasting our time and more erratic driving home. He was very stressed with the decorating/kids/me and saw this as me creating another job for him, which I suppose it was, but I did point out that voiles are just put up on a kind of pressure pole so it's not something which requires lots of time or effort.

After chemo, he had to do things like getting up with the kids in the morning, which would usually be my job. He is a very hands on dad (and at that point was the person who did most of the childcare and housework as I worked full time and he was part time, so it wasn't exactly a huge departure from his usual responsibilities) but just not great in the mornings, whereas I am a morning person who is happy to get up. He was grumpy because he had to get up with our son and I said his name to ask for a glass of water and he loudly and angrily said "what??" as though I'd been harassing him for things. It put me off asking him for anything else even though I was suffering. But he did bring me the water and food etc.

After surgery, we hadn't made firm plans on who would pick me up because I didn't know what time I would be leaving and I was trying to minimise upheaval for the kids. I texted and told him my dad would pick me up, but then my dad told me he thought he had COVID. I called my husband to ask if he could fetch me and he was quite snappy and irritable on the phone because it meant his plans were changing at the last minute and he'd have to bring our son, but agreed to do it. The nurse then said it would be best if we knew when he was around town minutes away so that the porters could time getting me to the door, because my son wouldn't be allowed in the ward. I had to call him again to relay this and I knew he would be annoyed that I was 'harassing' him. He angrily answered the phone saying "what??" because I'd called him again while he was trying to sort out son's tea. I felt so uncomfortable and tense all the way home.

When I came out of the hospital with sepsis, it was nearly Christmas. He'd been very busy and we had no decorations up. I wanted to try to keep things nice for the kids so I asked him to get the tree down from the loft, which he did. But he wouldn't help me put it up or decorate it. I was really struggling and trying not to show it to the kids so I just said "this would go a lot more quickly if you'd help" and he said "I'm sure it would" and didn't move, so I had to do it alone. He has since said that he was exhausted from looking after us all/working/decorating the house and didn't want to do another job. I think his hands and knees were specifically sore from everything he'd been doing. But at that point I didn't know if my treatment would work and honestly thought it could be my last Christmas with the kids. He's always a bit funny about Christmas so I shouldn't have been surprised - finds it all stressful and the decorations are clutter and mess.

Obviously this is all from my point of view but he has acknowledged these things and doesn't disagree with my version of events. He has apologised and did apologise at the time, but kept doing it. I spent a lot of my time in bed feeling like I was dying but worrying about him, his moods etc and feeling so tense and uncomfortable. Things are ok now but I'm ok so I would expect that. I'm now able to help look after the kids and household. I don't know what would happen if my cancer comes back.

Sounds like it was a hellish time of your life and while I agree the two of you should have relationship counselling, I think OP that you also would benefit from trauma counselling. The feelings you report are very common in cancer survivors even with a high level of support from partners/family. This kind of therapy is not the kind of thing you can rely on a partner to counsel you about as they are too close to you emotionally to help you. Talking about the cancer and fear of dying- it will trigger their own fears - you need a therapist who isn’t emotionally invested.

Your DH was a dick the entire time you needed him, and I’m glad to see he’s horrified by how he was, has apologised and is trying to take steps to improve himself. Relationship counselling is how you get tools to do that- he seems to have the attitude that it is a last resort, admission of failure when it isn’t.

The motivating factors are that it was also a stressful time for your DH with worrying about you, caring for children, working, and trying to get the house in working order. Then a job loss in the middle. It can be difficult to have a partner go from independent to very dependent and in need with a potentially terminal diagnosis hanging over their head. He handled it horribly, but his acknowledgement of that means he is capable of doing better if there is a next time.

Mitigating not motivating…argh hate the autocorrect thingy some days

That's terribly sad OP. Quite an uncomfortable read so god knows how hurt you must feel
If he can't be there for you when you're at your lowest and most vulnerable then I think you need to reevaluate unless he can totally change.
If you want to try counselling, have some of your own (you can probably access some via cancer support services) Then you can see if it's worth progressing to joint counselling.
All the best for the future

Well …. About 50% of men leave their partner when they get seriously ill, like with cancer. Lots of discussion around that including the fact people react like this because they can’t bear to face their own mortality or their partner’s.
See also financial worries, how hard it is for them to deal with work AND childcare (because yep, they’ve never done it all before so that’s a shock) etc…

But not as many women will do the same. Rather it will be expected from them that they will be caring and looking after the guy. Society will look down at a woman leaving their spouse in such circumstances. But will say it’s men struggling with their emotions, not knowing how to react etc…. So I’m pretty sure there is gender bias to it too.

i also think that illness is often not accepted when it’s long term (aka not just the flu). You just have to read all the stuff around carers being angels and how hard it is fir them. Usually associated with how awful the person who is ill is. How they are not grateful for the efforts they are making etc….

As for your DH…. Yep his treatment if you was crap. It was all about him. Little about you.
He was also showing some displacement activities (like the decorating).
And he clearly thought he knew better than you - from knowing what you could do, like driving to hosp to knowing if you needed him etc…l

Being ill myself has put in sharp focus how people are quite self centered as a rule and find believing other people’s reality hard when it doesn’t match what they think it should be (either because it’s more convenient fir them or because if their own beliefs/biases such as women complain for nothing, being hysterical, not knowing etc…).
It’s also very hard for people who have never been ill to actually ‘get’ how bad it can be. No matter how much I explain, my dh, like most other people, just do not get my illness for example.
And I think illness also put in sharp focus parts if our partners we find harder to live with. And when before those parts could be ignored or compensated for, suddenly, there is no compensation and the reality hits hard.

Btw he is horrified now and making efforts…

Great or is it because you’re not bedbound anymore, more independent so your need fir him to help isn’t as great??

The fact he us refusing couple counselling would make me uneasy.

Your posts, OP, break my heart, they really do.
His behaviour is inexcusable.
It’ll probably take you some time, but you will leave him. And when you do, remember this: it’s not you, it’s him.

Utter bollocks. You can be afraid and decent to the person who is dealing with cancer. Fear doesn't mean cruel and vicious.

OP. I would be ending the marriage. If he is cruel when you are at your most vulnerable, he isn't a decent human.

And yes I have dealt with serious illness and death. I was terrified but my response was to be supportive and gentle.

@housingplanningquestion @SunSeeking and @Codlingmoths have said everything I was thinking.

What a bastard.

I'd put it down to stress but honestly think 'what a dick.' My dad did EVERYTHING for my mum when she was ill with cancer. Granted he didn't have kids to look after and he worked from home. I'd have been so angry if he had spoke to her like that.

This is really sad to read and I hope that you can find happiness without him!

6 times as many men than women leave when their partner is diagnosed with cancer - over 20% just walk out the door. I suspect many more stay but make it abundantly clear what a horrible inconvenience their wife's ill health is.

I'm really sorry he has been so unkind and cruel. I wish you a good recovery and hope you're having counselling where you can discuss all the repercussions of your diagnosis and treatment

This is inexcusable, in my opinion.

Yes, he probably was partially acting this way due to his own anxiety and fear around the situation. But frankly, there is a point at which that's simply not a good enough reason. He's a grown man, with a wife and children - he could absolutely be forgiven some wobbles or imperfect moments, anyone could, but to treat you like that while you're going through cancer, continuously and repeatedly, is an utterly unforgivable thing imo.

What he needed to do was act like an adult (although frankly, a child would have shown more compassion), deal with his emotions, get some basic empathy and decency and be there for you. For whatever reason, he couldn't do that. Maybe it's because of his own issues, but honestly, that ship's sailed. Sorry but what is even the point of a life partner if they treat you like this at your most vulnerable and frightening time?

I'm so sorry you went through this, OP - not "just" the cancer, but the utter disregard and cruelty from your partner. I don't think I'd be able to see past this.

And if you’ve sons, it’s also a terrible idea

Thanks all, lots to think about.

We'd had an argument about similar treatment the day after I first found what turned out to be cancer. I didn't believe it would be cancer at all at that point and I remember thinking "God, how would he cope if I got cancer? He'd never be able to look after me". We were on holiday and a stupid situation caused me to break down. I had hurt my foot and we were walking to the evening entertainment with my youngest child. I hadn't realised that the sandals I'd put on would rub exactly where I'd cut it and make it bleed again, so I was limping. He kept walking ahead and then every so often impatiently waiting for me because I was slow, so I felt a bit stressed and pushed into trying to walk faster. When we got there, I sat down and expected him to go to the bar because I'd taken my shoe off and was bleeding. After five minutes or so I said "aren't you going to go to the bar?" and he angrily said "aren't you?? I went last night" and I felt so embarrassed that my husband thought that I was somehow trying to get one over on him over going to the bloody bar and he'd been keeping track of it. I'd made an effort to put a dress on and put makeup on too, hoping we'd have a nice night together and I felt weirdly humiliated by his reaction. He has (or had) a habit of assuming negative intentions in things I did or not believing me if I said I was in pain or ill. He wouldn't say he didn't believe me, but he'd act annoyed and unsympathetic and I felt like I had to try to convince him. I said I felt like he hated me and that we needed to go to marriage counselling. I brought up loads of silly little things that made me feel awful like walking ahead of me whenever we were walking, but at exactly the same pace I was walking, and then stopping so I'd have to catch up, like I'm a burden. If we did something silly like bump into each other, I'd say "oops sorry" and never assume that he'd done it on purpose, but he'd get angry at me and weirdly seem to assume negative intent. If he ever spilled something or broke something, I wouldn't stand there and berate him but I would help him clean it up and deal with it because there's no point going on about an accident, whereas he would be pissed off and angry. It really upset me and made me wonder why somebody would think so badly of me all the time. I remember him doing the walking thing when we were in the woods and I was pregnant and we got a bit lost. I was exhausted and started to get light headed and he seemed so annoyed. Just kept walking too quickly for me and not really talking to me.

I don't think most of his behaviour is a conscious choice because he seemed surprised when I pointed out the walking thing. I can tell that he now makes an effort not to do that and it hasn't happened since. Quite a few of the things in my previous paragraph don't happen anymore but it took me a lot of effort to get him to stop doing them. He is quite honest and will often agree that his behaviour hasn't been good enough and seem remorseful when I point it out, but it does seem to take me pointing that out.

Yes, I do suspect he is neurodivergent. Things like communication have improved over the years but there was a time when he couldn't even make eye contact with me if I tried to have a serious discussion with him because he found it so uncomfortable. He'd also turn his back on me or walk away while I was talking. He often just wouldn't respond at all and I'd be standing there wondering if he'd even heard me. I think he got quite overwhelmed and didn't always know how to respond because I am very good at recognising and articulating my feelings whereas he is very bad at it. I told him how these things made me feel and he doesn't do that so much anymore, so I know he does listen to what I say and try to take it on board.

But the comment someone made about a stranger treating me better was what really stuck in my mind. When he stormed off to the shop without me, I knew without a doubt that if I'd asked, plenty of other people on that carpark would have been happy to let me hold their arm to get inside the shop. People were always trying to give up their seat or carry things or open doors for me. That thought really upset and embarrassed me. And I remember strangers being nicer to me than he was when I was pregnant too. We took my oldest son to a kind of corn maze which had an obstacle course there too. I was around 6 months pregnant but massive and looked full term. Difficult pregnancy with lots of medical problems and I gained almost 5 stone in the end. I assumed I wouldn't be expected to do any of the activities and he was so annoyed at me. He said "what, you're expecting me to do it all on my own with him?" like I'd conned him into going to be an unpaid babysitter. So I did a bloody obstacle course with my massive belly and it was so hard, dragging myself across the floor underneath netting, trying to climb up stuff. My son was pleased that I was doing it with him and I was trying to be fun and not seem like I was leaving everything to my husband. It was a really hot, sunny day and I just couldn't face the maze, didn't have a hat and felt like I would faint. He said something like "are you joking??" and stormed off to do the maze with my son while I sat there feeling really tense and worried that he'd be angry with me when he came out. There was another family nearby who must have heard and felt sorry for me because they asked if I was ok and got me to sit in the shade and asked if I needed any water.

When I type things like that it shocks me and I can't believe it happened, but he's obviously not like that all of the time and only when he's in a certain mood. He's nothing like that right now.

But then I'm never like that with him. He had an accident in the car a little while ago which was his fault and was so upset and shocked. I comforted him and told him it was fine and just an accident which is why we have insurance. No big deal, stop berating yourself, it's happened and it will be dealt with, but it occured to me that he would have been angry at me if I'd crashed the car. I said that to him and he didn't disagree with me. I also told him he'd be disgusted if his mum's husband had treated her the way he'd treated me at times and he agreed. He's always remorseful when I say these things but then I wonder if this is just his personality which isn't something you can really change.

I told my closest friend some of this when I was going through chemo. I leaned on her heavily for emotional support instead of him, even though I hardly saw her because she lives in a different area. She's obviously unhappy with it but I can sense that she's trying to choose her words carefully. I know it can be difficult to advise because you don't want to be too blunt if they end up staying together and you've been laying into her husband. My parents saw some of it and know some of it but would be worried about the impact of leaving on my youngest child. My oldest child is another thorny issue. Not his biological son but was absolutely brilliant with him when he was younger. Not so much these days. He seems to always think the worst of him and I don't like it.

I honestly think you need to look up Borderlune Personality Disorder before ASD. The driving thing is hitting home, and so is the punishment. You can’t change him. His avoidance of counselling is also telling. I suspect he thinks he is superior to others and has a disproportionate sense of entitlement compared to what he puts into relationships and work. I don’t think this relationship is going to be fulfilling in the long term.

such a sad post, i'm not defending him but could it be his way of coping with your illness & having quite a lot of anger about the situation rather than you ?

I don't think most of his behaviour is a conscious choice

Does he do this to other people OP? Or is it just you? If he can control his emotions around his employers, friends, relatives, authority figures, then it is 100% a conscious choice to mistreat you.

Please read anything by Lundy Bancroft to put this into perspective. He sounds angry and controlling.

This is awful. I don't think I could stay with someone like this.

Very well said

On the face of it, sounds like his behaviour has not been good enough. I would suggest counselling to see if he can pinpoint why he has reacted like this.

Oh do not let him damage your oldest child. This behaviour is so damaging to a child. You must go to counselling if you can even contemplate staying.

@Secondhandemotion I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I wish you the very best with your medial treatment.

My husband is very very similar to yours. Almost scarily so.

I can see in your posts the same sort of thought process I've gone through over the years.

I am now at the stage where I have told my husband I want to divorce. I am not saying you should do this too, but I thought you might find the steps I've gone through helpful:

Firstly, admitted to myself that there was something seriously wrong with my husband's treatment of me and that I was seriously unhappy in my marriage. I had spend years and years ignoring my own feelings and needs, and rationalising away all sorts of atrocious behaviour from my husband. It was like an epiphany when I finally let myself acknowledge the truth. I think your posts on this thread might be an indication that you are in the same sort of place, when you say "When I type things like that it shocks me and I can't believe it happened"

Second, I got some individual counselling. It has been invaluable.

Thirdly, told friends and family how unhappy I am. I found this incredibly difficult, I'm a private person and I didn't know how they'd react. I also worried they might think I was making a fuss about nothing. I couldn't have been more wrong, they have been incredibly supportive and it turns out have loathed my husband for years. If you can, I would advise telling some reliable people everything you've written here.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you've been treated like this. No one deserves to be treated the way you have, especially when they are pregnant or have cancer. I find the way he's behaved toward you totally despicable, he sounds like a total piece of shit even with his 'good points'. Honestly life is too short to be around people like this, you 1000000% deserve better, please believe that. 💐

and feel free to DM me if that would be helpful