Why do people want to get married these days?

[Sammy900]

This is off the back of a thread I started the other day pondering about dating behaviours these days and thinking about where it will lead to in the future...

As a bit of a back story, I've been with my partner for 12 years, we have children, shared assets, mirrored wills, I'm financially independent, so is he, we both work full-time and share childcare and household stuff 50/50-well I do more of the life admin and organising but you get the picture, neither of us are religious and we both love each other

There was one point where I really wanted to marry him and formally be his Mrs (even though I blatantly am already) and have a celebration of us.... he just kind of dangled the carrot and said we'll see but he was never overly fussed and I wouldn't want him to be forced into it I'm not like that, I've never really pushed it either

Now I feel differently, I've seen lots of people have a terrible time during divorce and when we discuss it now.. I can't see the benefits other than a lovely day, celebration, neither of us really need to get married as such

Looking at threads on here, it seems to be half and half, some valuing marriage and committed relationships, others saying it ties you down and is old- fashioned, that life isn't like that anymore now that we have more freedom

I was just wondering why do people want to get married these days?

Love, romance, security, family, commitment, legal benefits, traditions.

Those were my reasons.

Of course your kids can call him grandad

They can call him whatever they like!

Exactly! 🤦

we never wanted to marry but after 18 years (no children) we married last year. We own a house together & really did it because it's just easier & financially beneficial if anything happens to one of you.
Our wedding was simple & cheap, just the 2 of us on a beach which required no organising from my part other than choosing the date & turning up

@Threenow The courts would look at various factors to decide if it was a genuine de facto relationship - there is no need for a legal document. It's not hard to prove that a coupole who have been living together for 20 years is a genuine relationship.

Or: you could just preemptively get a legal document which proves your relationship without having to go to the expense and stress of going to court.

You just need to glance at a few threads on the relationship board to see the benefits of marriage. Yes people do have a terrible time through divorce as you say, but not as terrible as those (usually) women who have been in a happy non-married relationship for years with multiple DC who are left with nothing when the relationship unexpectedly breaks down.

I hadn't even thought about the financial side of things to be honest as I've never felt like I needed financial protection from him or his wages

You might do one day.

I'd never get married or legally get tied to someone ever again or have a relationship that I couldn't walk away from completely within 24 hours without any comeback if I chose to.

I wouldn't do it again unless it made financial sense. I think in reality most people (youngish people anyway) do it because that's what other people are doing, because it's expected, they want a big party and to buy a wedding dress. They get swept up in the excitement and romance of it. When what is it really is a financial contract - which makes a lot of sense to enter into in some cases, but not in others.

I got married because I wanted to before I had children - took a ten year career break as would only have seen any of my wages after childcare in a 5-week month so it wasn't worth the hassle / juggling. Tis a commitment both emotional & legal from particularly DH. We did the full thing with church,frocks, etc.

Friends got married in secret with two strangers as witnesses after they found out they were paying about £40 p/a more a year car insurance - having originally ticked married on a quote & then went back to get the correct quote. It started out as a joke that they should get married to save that 40 quid but led them to thinking that they didn't actually have a good reason not to - esp as ill health had already made them aware they were not 3ach others Next of Kin.

Complain about how unfair it is all you like but that's the legal reality - marriage gives you rights financially (incl pensions & inheritance tax - not just for your partner but for your children too as the allowance is transferable), medically & legally. Change may come but it's not today's reality so I wouldn't gamble on change happening before you need those rights esp if you have children together. You can even have a civil partnership instead of a marriage if you have some historical objection to the latter state.

If you need some salutary tales on this, then Mumsnet has regular posts from women who have given everything in exchange for nothing.

I don't live in the UK, there is no "going to court" when dividing up the assets of a couple in a de facto relationship, unless you can't come to an agreement yourself with the help of a solicitor.

I think this is a completely different scenario to getting married for the first time and spending years with someone. Compared to getting divorced and re married I suspect the majority would be put off and have to consider a 2nd marriage carefully. As assets then become much more complex as your children and assets have not been built together.

Even if you don't, do you really want the tax man to get that person's money? They're not shagging the tax man!

For me, marriage means a lot and I could not be with someone who didn't want to get married. I would feel like they didn't want to commit to me.

I suppose I view it as an expression of love and commitment to each other, bringing more security.

You may have mirrored wills but there is nothing to stop either of you changing it.

You cannot apply for the marriage allowance to reduce tax paid.

Your partner didn't have parental rights until you registered your children.

You are not automatically next of kin.

When one of you dies you may or may not inherit your partners pension, most pension schemes allow you to pass the pension on to a spouse.

A widow or widower can usually access the bank account of the deceased, they will also not pay inhertance tax.

You might be financially independent now but there is a term in the disabled community of TAB, temporarily able bodied, you do not know if you are going to become disabled / unable to work .

Depending on how your house is mortgaged / owned you may or may not have a right to stay in it if you did split.

If you are renting then if you are not a joint tenant then the person with the tenancy can tell the non tenant to leave.

Not all assets have been built together when marrying first time round either, it really depends on the couple. Lots of people come into it first time round with unequal assets too, and there's no guarantee it's going to 'last of years' whether it's 1st time or 4th time.

@Ilikepinacoladass that's a fair point. I think what you are forgetting once kids are involved it's all so complex to get married again. People have even said it on here inheritance is a huge factor, people are emotionally scarred and to start merging a mortgage house is much more complex presumably you will be older the second time around and don't want to run the risk again.

Life has no guarantees but people would surely procedure marriage with caution the second time around or I would.

Well said.

@Velvian I'm pro marriage, but just wanted to say that despite not being married yet:

My DC have my surname (I wouldn't have given them any other,) which we will likely change on marriage. I have married friends who haven't changed their own names, who have different names to their DC.

And also, my DP heavily subsidised my mat leave. This doesn't necessarily happen with married couples just because they're married.

Long ago a friend of mine found herself penniless when her longterm partner left her and their two children. She’d put her career on hold to look after the babies. Apart from a small amount of child support, she got nothing of what she thought were their shared assets. She’d moved into his house and paid the bills while he paid the mortgage, which remained in his name only.

Last year the same happened to one of my relatives. One of her children is disabled so she is even more restricted in how much she can work. Again, she only gets maintenance for the children.

In both cases, the man walked off with the house, pension and pretty much everything. If they had been married the wives would have had a fairer share.

Read any of the threads here about men who refuse to marry their fiancées after they have had children. The women are now in a weak position.

I hear what you are saying- marry for financial protection - in my situation he would benefit from me financially and pension wise - yet still doesn’t want to marry- I’m financially independent I didn’t give up my career - so I am in a different position to your friends - but I do get why that’s unfair for them

I made it clear I wasn’t giving up my career even though at times my other half has really wanted me to - to make it less 50/50 with tag teaming it with childcare

There have been times when he has tried persuading me to drop my working hours….to free him up for work more but I stood my ground that 50/50 was fair- and have managed to work longer shifts to free up more days in the week for him to work

It has been hard- no one can be bothered to deep clean, passing ships in the night at times- both tired from working and being parents

But on saying that I wouldn’t have it any other way

He also gets to enjoy and experience precious time with his children and isn’t just a non- stop working machine / same as me

You might be financially independent now, but you never know what is round tge corner!

Lots of reasons to be married but I wasn't thinking of any of them when we got married other than we loved each other. We've had partners before. We've lived with other people. This is different. We are a family.

I work part time, and couldn't be bothered with deep cleaning either 😂