Why do people want to get married these days?

[Sammy900]

This is off the back of a thread I started the other day pondering about dating behaviours these days and thinking about where it will lead to in the future...

As a bit of a back story, I've been with my partner for 12 years, we have children, shared assets, mirrored wills, I'm financially independent, so is he, we both work full-time and share childcare and household stuff 50/50-well I do more of the life admin and organising but you get the picture, neither of us are religious and we both love each other

There was one point where I really wanted to marry him and formally be his Mrs (even though I blatantly am already) and have a celebration of us.... he just kind of dangled the carrot and said we'll see but he was never overly fussed and I wouldn't want him to be forced into it I'm not like that, I've never really pushed it either

Now I feel differently, I've seen lots of people have a terrible time during divorce and when we discuss it now.. I can't see the benefits other than a lovely day, celebration, neither of us really need to get married as such

Looking at threads on here, it seems to be half and half, some valuing marriage and committed relationships, others saying it ties you down and is old- fashioned, that life isn't like that anymore now that we have more freedom

I was just wondering why do people want to get married these days?

in your situation, pensions and inheritance.

I wouldn't have a mirror will either. Unless it's 'leave it to the kids with a life interest in the house for partner' or similar

In our case - inheritance tax.

For those understating the benefits of marriage/civil partnerships, there've been lots of cases of sisters or brother who've lived together (not romantically, but practically), who've been really stung by inheritance tax when one has died, or who've been unable to "share/swap" assets to make full use of tax reliefs/allowances, and unable to benefit from widow/widowers pension benefits, etc. When you see the facts of such cases, it really brings it home just how beneficial are the legal protections/exemptions that arise from a marriage/CP, that's of course not possible for siblings living together to benefit from.

Some people don't want to get married, until they meet someone else, then it really matters. You can have different feelings with different people.

In our case, we both felt we wanted to make the commitment to each other, to be official.

it also makes practical sense on a number of fronts, and any disadvantages are far outweighed by the advantages.

Being unmarried doesn't protect you from the upset of splitting up. You will get that whether married or unmarried. But if married, the law helps you sort out differences.

And people who marry are statistically more likely to stay together than people who choose just to live together. Probably because they were more commited in the first place, as the 'unmarried; category will include people who weren't that serious in the first place, thus skewing the figures.

The idea of romantic marriage is a modern one. It was originally a contract negotiated for some reason - families, trading, power etc. Arranged marriages are the same today. There are better reasons than "romantic love".

It's a real shame in those cases - elderly people having to sell a family home they lived in with their siblings and move/downsize late in life.
In France, you can leave your house to your sibling in these situations and they don't have to pay inheritance tax. Much kinder.

I got married because I wanted to make a lifelong commitment to my husband. I also wanted to be married before we considered having children. If you are in a relationship that you think might not last, then I don't think it's right to marry, but if you believe you have met the person you will spend the rest of your life with, I can't think of any reason not to get married.

We got married for practical reasons after we'd been together for 10 years.

There was no way we were going to buy a house together or have children without the legal framework/protection, nor was I going to take time out of my career for childcare etc without protection of marriage.

We didn't do it for the attention, in fact we hated that aspect of it, but had a small "ceremony" for the sake of our parents. If we'd not been bothered about their feelings, we'd have had a registry office wedding with just a couple of witnesses.

@Dancingdebra ..Exactly! I understand the formal reasons, tax reasons...but what if both of us wanted to divorce later (not saying we would we are both in it for the long haul), it's not just about his exit, what about mine?..like I say we are both financially independent...we are fully recognised by family and friends as being a family unit so it feels like I'm Mrs (his surname) even though I'm not - but isn't that just a name change...

...I do need to look into what would happen with pensions, and need to research how we can be each others power of attorney for health and financial decisions should we lose capacity or something awful happens - so thanks for that posters who have mentioned that

Thanks for all the replies just catching up with them all now

OP, this question is about your view of life and the world. People have been getting married long before there was modern tax/inheritance law and all these financial considerations etc.

My point is there is more to marriage than just a cold contract - at least to some people. Being able to celebrate the union of two souls and declare commitment to each other, publicly and in the presence family and friends - celebrating the creation of a family unit, is very precious indeed to some people. You may not share the same view and indeed many people here ‘don’t see the point’.
But if you ever meet an old couple who have had a along and happy marriage, and they tell you fondly of they met, and fell in love and how it just marriage felt natural, and now here we are; or if you have seen a modern good happy marriage, very few things compare for beauty on earth!!! I can tell you now, those on MN who are happily married would do it all over again and would find your question a little bizarre. To them it’s the most natural thing.

@BlackBean2023 Thank you for explaining further about the inheritance tax issue, tbf I hadn't really thought about that....god I hate the rules around inheritance tax it's diabolical! We've already paid our taxes grrr

Clearly I'll need to look into this, I just naively assumed we would be protected with mirrored wills...neither of us are planning on changing them- we both trust each other

There was one point where I really wanted to marry him and formally be his Mrs (even though I blatantly am already) and have a celebration of us.... he just kind of dangled the carrot and said we'll see but he was never overly fussed and I wouldn't want him to be forced into it I'm not like that, I've never really pushed it either

So he wouldn't marry you and you settled for that. But you're good enough to live with and have children with. Hmm carrot dangling, just unpleasant.

Everyone is different, I didn't actually think about anything financial when in the process, for me it was about declaring my love and showing my commitment which I know you can do in other ways but this is how i wanted to, and to feel like a family unit

@Errolwasahero Same! I agree... There has been some really useful information on here too that I didn't realise

So I think that's actually a different point to the one I made. Mine is that because being married/CP is legally distinct from being unmarried in the UK, there are people who choose not to get married specifically because they don't want that legal contract. For example if you have children from a previous relationship, want to leave them your assets but also want to be able to live with a partner.

I don't think those people should lose their ability to cohabit without legal contract, just because some people want the contract without signing it. You can write up legal contracts without anything romantic, but you can't write up one that replicates marriage/CP without being in one of those institutions. In the same way that a married person can't have contracts that put them in the same position as a cohabiting couple.

@Errolwasahero

What would the advantage be to have legal contract which replicates marriage, but not actually get married?

I think maybe @HopelessEstateAgents gad it; it’s a patriarchal issue and I wish we could have true equality and legal protections without the religious/social interference. I can’t help thinking that the whole thing has been pushed by those with agendas.

@PinkCherryBlossoms im trying to understand, not sure I’ve got you but I think we are in agreement, more or less!

I will say it’s obviously up to the individual; if someone wants to get married then they should. I just don’t trust it.

I really can't see what religious interference there is in a UK marriage. The majority are secular and have been for some time, and there's even CP if you prefer although I accept that also has connotations that some find problematic.

Previously I wanted to get married for a romantic celebration, for us all the have the same surname and celebrate us - I hadn't even thought about the financial side of things to be honest as I've never felt like I needed financial protection from him or his wages....since he wasn't really bothered about it I've settled, yes (can't force him!) but gradually over time have come to change my mind

I'm still interested in looking at all the reasons to get married vs not and also thinking of modern living and equality in relationships, not being tied to the kitchen sink as it were... and how that factors in

Incidentally I'm actually a higher earner and also have pension arrangements and he doesn't - so he might've shot himself in the foot by not wanting to marry me.... Maybe he needs to read these threads!...I wouldn't want my family to struggle due to this if something happens to me and want to make sure they are protected but wondering how this is possible without a marriage certificate...who would my pension actually go to if it isn't him? My kids? sorry to sound like an idiot...I've clearly got a few things to sort out/look into

As a married person in an equal relationship, the surname and Mrs aspects both seem the absolute opposite of modern or equal to me! Those are the last reasons to get married, bearing in mind you can all have the same surname and use whatever title you like whether you're married or not.

In terms of pensions, most schemes let you nominate someone. It's generally easier for a spouse than a non-spouse to claim if you haven't. I'd agree you need to look into this, whether you want to get married or not. Everyone should make sure they're aware.

*Same surname as my children
*Legal protection for myself and my children which has proven wise as three of my teenagers have disabilities/health issues and I'm a SAHP at the moment (not by choice but because I need too).
*My family has a history of long marriages and all long term couples are married ditto for DH's family.
*Because myself and DH love each and it what we both wanted.

Both of us are financially independent and came to the marriage later in life.

The reason we got married wasn't to have a big romantic celebration (we didn't as we had just two witnesses) but that we both knew the full legal implications a 'wedding contract' meant and that had positives for both of us.

But you don't need to have the "religious and social interference" at all.

You can choose to have an informal registry office wedding with just 2 witnesses. Not religious, not social.

As a couple of posters upthread have mentioned, they got married without their friends/family knowing.

You really don't need to make a big thing of it.

As long as you see your relationship as essentially temporary and are sure it will be over before one of you dies or needs a next of kin hospital decision then you will be fine
Inheritance tax funds hospital and schools - its a good thing