Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do people want to get married these days?

167 replies

Sammy900 · 06/08/2023 01:29

This is off the back of a thread I started the other day pondering about dating behaviours these days and thinking about where it will lead to in the future...

As a bit of a back story, I've been with my partner for 12 years, we have children, shared assets, mirrored wills, I'm financially independent, so is he, we both work full-time and share childcare and household stuff 50/50-well I do more of the life admin and organising but you get the picture, neither of us are religious and we both love each other

There was one point where I really wanted to marry him and formally be his Mrs (even though I blatantly am already) and have a celebration of us.... he just kind of dangled the carrot and said we'll see but he was never overly fussed and I wouldn't want him to be forced into it I'm not like that, I've never really pushed it either

Now I feel differently, I've seen lots of people have a terrible time during divorce and when we discuss it now.. I can't see the benefits other than a lovely day, celebration, neither of us really need to get married as such

Looking at threads on here, it seems to be half and half, some valuing marriage and committed relationships, others saying it ties you down and is old- fashioned, that life isn't like that anymore now that we have more freedom

I was just wondering why do people want to get married these days?

OP posts:
Pointypointything · 06/08/2023 07:03

Personally I didn't want children until I was married. Yes, marriages do fail, but I wanted to be in a serious committed relationship before kids. I would have only given kids my surname too, so being married we all share the same name. Lots of people don't share the same thoughts though and that's fine. I'm more surprised about people getting married when children are teens, but it's horses for courses isn't it. As others have said, marriage does offer legal protections. If they are not important to you then I can see why you wouldn't be fussed either way.

Usernamen · 06/08/2023 07:09

I don’t think we will get married. We don’t see the point and we don’t really care about pressure from family/society. Not religious either.

Careerdilemma · 06/08/2023 07:15

@CurlewKate It is actually a lot of people potentially impacted by inheritance tax. In London and the South East a couple with a three bed semi could be impacted.

Velvian · 06/08/2023 07:16

What last name do your DC have @Sammy900 ? Did your partner financially compensate you got Maternity Leave and any other pregnany/child related financial penalties?

What of he changes his Will?

barbie3 · 06/08/2023 07:20

It's the legal rights and practicalities if you are in a committed relationship that make it worth it. We were committed and had bought a house together before getting married but we got married before having children. Now we have a disabled child and I can no longer work I am better protected being married.

hollyblueivy · 06/08/2023 07:27

Great thread and lots of fair points made.

The legal protection side of things sounds more important than the fairytale romance you see in films.

CurlewKate · 06/08/2023 07:30

@Careerdilemma currently 4%, I believe. Potentially rising to 7%? So yes, for that small minority, marriage could be financially advantageous.

PinkPlantCase · 06/08/2023 07:40

we live in an era of dating apps and people getting bored and checking out of relationships at the drop of a hat

I think this makes marriage even more important today.

The religious aspect is important to me and DH. I’m getting close to 30 and got married at 24.

Tbh we never considered not getting married to each other, it was something that we both always wanted to do and thought it would give us the best foundation possible for our life together.

My own views aside I think being married gives women important legal protections when they have DC that can’t be replicated in other ways. Even if both parties are they are very 50/50 in how parent and set up their lives.

BlackBean2023 · 06/08/2023 07:40

My house is worth £700k. Standard 3 bed semi in South East. Forgetting any other assets and taking into consideration we are tenants in common (50:50) my estate and assuming no mortgage it would be worth at least £350k which would attract an inheritance tax bill of £10k. The reality is with pensions, savings and other assets the actual tax bill would be around £30k as inheritance tax is 40% on everything over £325k.

As we're married DH would not have to pay that when I die and my children will inherit more

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/08/2023 07:47

DanaScully53 · 06/08/2023 06:24

We've been together for 35 years. We're thinking about a quicky wedding this year just to protect pensions and make it easier when one of us dies.

It's nothing romantic. It's just a legal contract. We probably won't even tell anyone.

I did this! Although mine was only about 25 years. It was mainly for taxation planning, and it simplified ownership of our foreign property, because that country had very preferential rules for married people.

No fuss, only the two witnesses. I told my best friend two years later!

what is odd, though, was that it meant more than I thought it would, especially to DH. It was easier dealing with HCP as his wife , no discrimination but just more natural and understandable, automatic really. And he who wasn’t really as keen / romantic about it often now refers to me as his wife with pride and love (more than I do, really).

Errolwasahero · 06/08/2023 07:50

I’m in much the same situation as you op. Years ago I thought people would move away from the construct and society would evolve differently, but it has actively gone the other way.

tbh I didn’t know about some of the legal implications so might actually pop down the office myself! Although it makes me feel annoyed I’m being pushed into it. 20-odd years together should denote the same level of ‘legal contract’, I feel.

P3N · 06/08/2023 07:58

I got married for the legal rights and protections incase of death. He's the father of my children. We both came from nothing, we are equal in all things. He wanted me to be a stay at home mum while he solidified his career, I wanted to get married for financial protection. The declaration of love in front of our families was a nice added bonus but we had a very small ceremony, dinner and hotel stay.
No mega fuss and no huge debt. We are partners in love and life. 16 years together, 10 married this year.

DustyLee123 · 06/08/2023 08:00

Having been married I can say that I’d never do it again. I’d never get so legally attached to another person.

cuckyplunt · 06/08/2023 08:00

Well, marriage is the only sensible arrangement in which to bring children, for a start. It protects one partner while they raise the kid.

Rathouse · 06/08/2023 08:06

splitin3 · 06/08/2023 04:40

Mirrored wills can be changed without the other partner's knowledge.

Inheritance tax especially where house prices are high.

Pensions and inheriting an occupational pension . Most allow a partner to be nominated for a lump sum but only pay a pension to a legal spouse.

Legal right to make horrific decisions about end of life care - switching off a life support for example. Currently that right sits with your parents not your partner.

Marriage is both a sign of lasting commitment and an important legal contract. Instead of 'why bother ?' My question to you ,when you have children together would be 'why not ?' . A refusal to marry the mother of my children smacks of 'not sure yet - and if someone better came along then he can exit with absolutely no legal costs at all and if he has the kids 50/50 then that means not even child support. It's just too easy.

You don't need a fancy wedding. You don't need a big hoohah. A midweek registration costs £232 .Which is a whole pile of legal protection for your family. Why would you not want that. ?

You've given a good valid explanation. I think what OP has described too doesn't diminish her relationship it sounds fine.

Rathouse · 06/08/2023 08:09

Errolwasahero · 06/08/2023 07:50

I’m in much the same situation as you op. Years ago I thought people would move away from the construct and society would evolve differently, but it has actively gone the other way.

tbh I didn’t know about some of the legal implications so might actually pop down the office myself! Although it makes me feel annoyed I’m being pushed into it. 20-odd years together should denote the same level of ‘legal contract’, I feel.

I agree with you. Although some posters have given some interesting legal reasons.

Northernsoullover · 06/08/2023 08:12

LocationNames · 06/08/2023 03:37

I never wanted to get married. Then I met my now fiancé. He never wanted to get married again (divorced). But for us both this relationship means so much we want to be married to each other. I can't really explain it but it feels right. We aren't having a big fancy do but an intimate celebration with close family.

This is pretty much the same reason why me and my partner are getting married..he's divorced, I decided I was quite happy not to get married. In addition as we both have children we wanted to ensure that we were each others next of Kin.
We have talked about finances and who gets what and we'll be tenants in common rather than joint tenants..

Threenow · 06/08/2023 08:13

tbh I didn’t know about some of the legal implications so might actually pop down the office myself! Although it makes me feel annoyed I’m being pushed into it. 20-odd years together should denote the same level of ‘legal contract’, I feel.

I agree, and in some countries it would.

3rdtimemumma · 06/08/2023 08:20

Random response here, but I find it tricky describing my MIL's partner of 25 years, so i feel it's an older person issue.

He's in his 70s and calling him boyfriend is odd, calling him partner sounds odd (not gender specific and sounds like a new relationship). Our kids have been really confused at times on who he is (can't really call him grandad etc when not married). Not a reason to get married necessarily, but a weird perspective.

TheCornflakeHotline · 06/08/2023 08:25

For us, it was just between us. No showing off for family or friends. Hence we eloped. 30 years on, still just as married

You quoted my post but nowhere did I say anything about showing off

P3N · 06/08/2023 08:25

3rdtimemumma · 06/08/2023 08:20

Random response here, but I find it tricky describing my MIL's partner of 25 years, so i feel it's an older person issue.

He's in his 70s and calling him boyfriend is odd, calling him partner sounds odd (not gender specific and sounds like a new relationship). Our kids have been really confused at times on who he is (can't really call him grandad etc when not married). Not a reason to get married necessarily, but a weird perspective.

(can't really call him grandad etc when not married)
They can call him whatever they wish. (Grandad/gramps/pops)
My dad has a long term partner (22 years) and my kids call her Nanna. A name is whatever you choose.

LocationNames · 06/08/2023 08:26

@Northernsoullover we have done the same as you too. Discussed all the non-romantic future what ifs. We've decided to set ourselves up as a traditional family but put in measures to protect each other and our children. It is complex merging two families but we want what is best for all of us and I think we will achieve it.

Tontostitis · 06/08/2023 08:32

I was like you til I met my now husband at 45, now I realise my not wanting to get married meant I didn't want to marry my ex. Interesting that you previously wanted to marry him and now don't.

trustingfrogs · 06/08/2023 08:36

It's a good question but I would think it's like any partnership really - two companies can choose to work informally together for years and it's all great but if they really want all the legal protections (not to mention the official outward symbol of commitment), they sign the paperwork and make it legal.

That sounds very mechanical and obviously marriage is more than just a business contract but to me it just symbolises you're committing to each other for life.

Each to their own of course!

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 06/08/2023 08:38

Mirrored wills are zero protection for your children's inheritance.

My dad and stepmum had mirrored wills.

Dad died, stepmum inherited everything and has since re-married, chances that her will still leaves anything to me and my brothers is slim to none.