Page 5 | Why do people want to get married these days?

Sammy900 · 2023-08-06T00:29:36+00:00

This is off the back of a thread I started the other day pondering about dating behaviours these days and thinking about where it will lead to in the future... As a bit of a back story, I've been with my partner for 12 years, we have children, shared assets, mirrored wills, I'm financially independent, so is he, we both work full-time and share childcare and household stuff 50/50-well I do more of the life admin and organising but you get the picture, neither of us are religious and we both love each other There was one point where I really wanted to marry him and formally be his Mrs (even though I blatantly am already) and have a celebration of us.... he just kind of dangled the carrot and said we'll see but he was never overly fussed and I wouldn't want him to be forced into it I'm not like that, I've never really pushed it either Now I feel differently, I've seen lots of people have a terrible time during divorce and when we discuss it now.. I can't see the benefits other than a lovely day, celebration, neither of us really need to get married as such Looking at threads on here, it seems to be half and half, some valuing marriage and committed relationships, others saying it ties you down and is old- fashioned, that life isn't like that anymore now that we have more freedom I was just wondering why do people want to get married these days?

CurlewKate · 06/08/2023 14:21

@Duckingella "Same surname as my children
*Legal protection for myself and my children which has proven wise as three of my teenagers have disabilities/health issues and I'm a SAHP at the moment (not by choice but because I need too).
*My family has a history of long marriages and all long term couples are married ditto for DH's family.
*Because myself and DH love each and it what we both wanted."

For me, the last reason "It is what we both wanted" is the only one that carries any weight!

Kazzyhoward · 06/08/2023 14:23

PinkCherryBlossoms · 06/08/2023 14:13

As a married person in an equal relationship, the surname and Mrs aspects both seem the absolute opposite of modern or equal to me! Those are the last reasons to get married, bearing in mind you can all have the same surname and use whatever title you like whether you're married or not.

In terms of pensions, most schemes let you nominate someone. It's generally easier for a spouse than a non-spouse to claim if you haven't. I'd agree you need to look into this, whether you want to get married or not. Everyone should make sure they're aware.

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You don't need to change your name.

Re pensions, yes to the lump sum if you die before starting to take your pension, it is often simply a nomination of beneficiary, but that's not the case with some pensions once you started drawing them, once you've bought an annuity, or with a defined benefit pension, where the pension rules may stipulate a reduced "widow's pension" which does not extend to an unmarried partner, where the pension may well die with the deceased and without any reduced pension for the surviving partner. Making assumptions is very dangerous when it comes to pensions.

Luxembourgmama · 06/08/2023 14:24

Ponderingwindow · 06/08/2023 05:00

Marriage is a formal legal contract. It isn’t about romance or morality. It is like setting up a business. It lets the government recognize your relationship as a financial and legal unit and that comes with certain advantages.

statistically, the people who still tend to do things the old fashioned way and get married and then have children are highly educated and higher earners. It is not a demographic who marries for religious or moral reasons. It is a demographic that marries because that legal contract is a rational choice. It is a system that is working very well for the groups that still use it.

This

Original poster

Sammy900 · 06/08/2023 14:32

@Kazzyhoward hmmmm...I shall be contacting the pensions dept next week thanks for the info

I need to explore all the financial side of things, we might need to re-consider that marriage is the better option..if go in armed with info then we can sit down and make more of an informed decision

OP posts:

Papernotplastic · 06/08/2023 14:33

The legal protections and tax implications would be the main reason for me.

For those with young children or those planning to have children, childcare costs and the level of CMS should be a factor. If you and your DP are both working full time, have children who go to nursery and split all costs 50:50, you might feel comfortable that you’re independent and can support yourself. If you split up, your ex is only obliged to pay the amount the CMS calculator comes up with (which also decreases if he moves in with someone with children) and he is under no obligation to have the children with him for any minimum amount of time.

The average U.K. cost of full time childcare for one child under 2 is £263/week (for full-time)
The CMS payment for 2 children if you earn £50k pa and have the children 1-2 nights a week is £126.02/week. If you never have them overnight it’s £147.06/week.

Loulou560 · 06/08/2023 14:37

There are lots of other legal and financial reasons to get married (despite the great planning you’ve already done) such as IHT, tax and benefits. However, it’s a public declaration of commitment too. I want to be married to my DP as we have two beautiful children and feel that this is the best foundation for them too.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 06/08/2023 14:37

Sammy900 · 06/08/2023 14:32

@Kazzyhoward hmmmm...I shall be contacting the pensions dept next week thanks for the info

I need to explore all the financial side of things, we might need to re-consider that marriage is the better option..if go in armed with info then we can sit down and make more of an informed decision

I think that's the best way.

If you're not religious and don't have particular feelings about marriage/CP representing commitment or not, better to look at the practicalities. Seeing it in terms of surname and title, which you've mentioned a few times now, really isn't sensible. I'd never have changed either of those but marriage was still the right thing for us.

BiteyShark · 06/08/2023 14:40

Oh should have said I didn't change my name so that wasn't even a consideration. It was purely the legal contract that was important to us but it seems most people don't consider that.

Babdoc · 06/08/2023 14:51

I was very thankful that DH and I were married, when he died unexpectedly at 36.
It meant that I received over £100,000 in widow’s pension and widowed mother’s allowance over the intervening years, our mortgage was written off, and I received his inheritance tax allowance on top of my own, plus a death in service benefit from his employer.
Quite apart from the financial implications, married couples are less likely to split up than cohabitees. Making vows to each other in the presence of God is a serious business, as opposed to just shacking up together.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 06/08/2023 14:56

Babdoc · 06/08/2023 14:51

I was very thankful that DH and I were married, when he died unexpectedly at 36.
It meant that I received over £100,000 in widow’s pension and widowed mother’s allowance over the intervening years, our mortgage was written off, and I received his inheritance tax allowance on top of my own, plus a death in service benefit from his employer.
Quite apart from the financial implications, married couples are less likely to split up than cohabitees. Making vows to each other in the presence of God is a serious business, as opposed to just shacking up together.

Tbf most people in the UK who get married don't make any vows in front of God. Its not an innate part of the institution or the ceremony.

RuthW · 06/08/2023 15:43

Financial stability. Only reason I can see.

Luckydip1 · 06/08/2023 16:16

Babdoc · 06/08/2023 14:51

I was very thankful that DH and I were married, when he died unexpectedly at 36.
It meant that I received over £100,000 in widow’s pension and widowed mother’s allowance over the intervening years, our mortgage was written off, and I received his inheritance tax allowance on top of my own, plus a death in service benefit from his employer.
Quite apart from the financial implications, married couples are less likely to split up than cohabitees. Making vows to each other in the presence of God is a serious business, as opposed to just shacking up together.

How was your mortgage written off, did you have insurance?

Luckydip1 · 06/08/2023 16:20

MoyoGaza · 06/08/2023 12:47

OP, this question is about your view of life and the world. People have been getting married long before there was modern tax/inheritance law and all these financial considerations etc.

My point is there is more to marriage than just a cold contract - at least to some people. Being able to celebrate the union of two souls and declare commitment to each other, publicly and in the presence family and friends - celebrating the creation of a family unit, is very precious indeed to some people. You may not share the same view and indeed many people here ‘don’t see the point’.
But if you ever meet an old couple who have had a along and happy marriage, and they tell you fondly of they met, and fell in love and how it just marriage felt natural, and now here we are; or if you have seen a modern good happy marriage, very few things compare for beauty on earth!!! I can tell you now, those on MN who are happily married would do it all over again and would find your question a little bizarre. To them it’s the most natural thing.

You can have a romantic celebration of your union without the legal contract.

Feverly · 06/08/2023 17:23

The citizens advice bureau link I posted includes stuff about pensions, when detailing the differences between married/just cohabiting legally single people.

Original poster

Sammy900 · 06/08/2023 18:34

@Feverly Thankyou I'll have a look

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Vettrianofan · 06/08/2023 21:28

Babdoc · 06/08/2023 14:51

I was very thankful that DH and I were married, when he died unexpectedly at 36.
It meant that I received over £100,000 in widow’s pension and widowed mother’s allowance over the intervening years, our mortgage was written off, and I received his inheritance tax allowance on top of my own, plus a death in service benefit from his employer.
Quite apart from the financial implications, married couples are less likely to split up than cohabitees. Making vows to each other in the presence of God is a serious business, as opposed to just shacking up together.

I wasn't interested in a religious ceremony, neither was DH. Each to their own though.

HappiDaze · 06/08/2023 21:41

Finances

Original poster

Sammy900 · 06/08/2023 21:48

Looks like I can fill in a PN1 form - NHS - and that allows my partner a dependents pension should I die and a lump sum - we don’t need to be married

i just need to look into mutual power of attorney next

we might have an issue with inheritance tax in a few years - so will need to look into ways around that - if there are any

OP posts:

SophieTheWonderCat · 07/08/2023 09:34

@Kazzyhoward is right about some pensions. If I was still married to my ex H and he died all I would have got was a fixed spousal pension which would have ended on my death. When we divorced I got 50% of the household pensions which is now invested and will pass on to my dependants free of tax. Ex H now moans that I am better off than him as he is on fixed pension whereas I can choose what I want to drawdown etc. Always check individual pension schemes. I would actually advise people to look at considering transferring their pensions depending on type to an investment pension.

SophieTheWonderCat · 07/08/2023 09:35

@Sammy900 anyone can make a POA - there are two types. Will cost you to set up and takes about 8 months to become registered.

ferretface · 07/08/2023 09:37

We don't have kids and don't plan to, I also didn't change my name. We just married for the legal consequences in terms of next of kin, pensions, inheritance etc.

Headingforholidays · 07/08/2023 09:45

Threenow · 06/08/2023 08:13

tbh I didn’t know about some of the legal implications so might actually pop down the office myself! Although it makes me feel annoyed I’m being pushed into it. 20-odd years together should denote the same level of ‘legal contract’, I feel.

I agree, and in some countries it would.

But how would you prove that 20 years together... There would need to be a legal process to do this... A marriage certificate maybe??

MafaldaHopkirk · 07/08/2023 10:28

You can always have a civil partnership - think of it as a legal way of proving your relationship. You're already thinking of filling out forms to sort various other things so this is just one more form. It's also a really kind thing to do for each other in the case of one of your deaths, it makes it far easier for the other to sort things out at a time of high stress.

Threenow · 07/08/2023 10:34

Headingforholidays · 07/08/2023 09:45

But how would you prove that 20 years together... There would need to be a legal process to do this... A marriage certificate maybe??

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The courts would look at various factors to decide if it was a genuine de facto relationship - there is no need for a legal document. It's not hard to prove that a coupole who have been living together for 20 years is a genuine relationship.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 10:39

Making a public commitment

Making a personal agreement it’s for life

Also easier to sort finances by getting married than drawing us lots of different agreements about what happens to your money when you die.

Also I know you’re both financially independent now, but what if one of your health fails during your relationship? - then one of you becomes dependent on the other with no protection if you split up? Ill health at some point is not unusual.