DH wants to move. I don’t.

[HotPringles]

DH inherited a house. It’s lost in the middle of nowhere, needs a lot if work to be done (estimate is around the £100k mark). He wants to move there and sell our house to finance the work.

I don’t. Plenty if reasons for that that I’ve explained at length to DH.

Now during our last discussion, I’ve asked him to come up with a plan. Can he tell me what would happen if we rent our current house instead? What other ways to finance the work? Can he show me he has thought about my (physical in particular) needs when planning the whole thing.

The thing is DH is notoriously incapable of planning anything. I’ve been the one to lead all big changes during the whole if the marriage (from moving house to redecorating, organising hols, schools for the dcs. The lot). So nothing has happened in the last 3 months since our discussion.

im tempted to just leave him to it but I know he’ll be resentful that his big project won’t come to life. And tbh, he IS happier when he has spent time there. And I feel like I’m nit being supportive of him at all by refusing to engage and putting all the responsibility/work into him.
On the other side, it’s HIS project. I’m not keen so I don’t want to be leading that project.
What would you do?

Not anymore. Both at Uni.

That’s one of the issue. I’ll be uprooted whereas he goes back to his childhood grounds, where he knows everyone.

And yes, it will be a nightmare….

This.

Not a chance would I entertain this.

Offer to sell your home, split and let him crack on with his project.

No way would I be dragged down by this in my latter years.

Are you feeling guilty that you're not doing the legwork towards, and uprooting your life for something that you don't want?

There are scenarios where this would be reasonable, in a long marriage. Only you know whether, on balance, this this is one of those scenarios.

If you are happy with him otherwise then I'd say yes if the budget stretches to a project manager.

I do have questions as I think more info is needed to give a proper opinion:

• How far away is it from your friends and job?
• Could the people he knows there become your friends?
• Can you still afford to visit your friends in a day or stay in a hotel regularly if it's too far for a day?
• Is the area truly remote (Scottish island) or just countryside?

My husband had a 5 year campaign to get me to move from London to a village where we knew nobody. 4 years on I can't imagine living anywhere else and wish we'd done it years ago (so it can work out on.)

How decrepit is it? Could he just keep it as a weekend place and spruce up a bit DIY?

OP, I was right there with you until "I’ll be uprooted whereas he goes back to his childhood grounds, where he knows everyone."

Which sounds like he's been "uprooted" for decades while you stayed in your "childhood grounds", and now you resent him asking for his turn?

Tell me if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

If I haven't, then I think it's his turn now and you should get on board and pool your skillset to make it happen. But that's only if the marriage is happy.

Wish you all the best whatever you decide!

Apart from anything else, there’s this - that it won’t happen if you don’t do it, and you’re worried about that although you don’t want to do it.

Suppose you went to DH and said “I would like to start a business in Sydney, I need you to plan it and get it off the ground, I’ll be upset if you don’t” would that be reasonable? Or bonkers?

The same applies here.

Just to be the voice of doom but I flip house (small scale and I live in them as I do them up). Materials and labour have shot up and skilled trades are retiring and not being replaced. It’s tough out there.

This.
Just let it slide into oblivion. It' syour DP who is BU.

If he can’t plan anything then he’s not going to able to manage a major renovation project.

Living in the middle of a project is very tough. It’s even tougher when it’s managed by a disorganised idiot. if you agree to this OP you will end up living on a building site for years and doing most of it yourself because you Dh CBA. At the end, he won’t even be grateful.

So it would be a hard no from me . If he insists, I’d agree to sell up your house, let him take his half of the proceeds and go and invest in his new new place. You can use your half to buy a new place in your name only.

Of course you’d need to get legal advice on all this .

Alternatively you could buy him out of his half of your current house and stay where you are. Then he can go off and live his best life.

That way you can both do what you want, it’s just the new place can be his dream as it’s obviously not yours.

@WoolyMammoth55 , I’m from an EU country and moved with DH where he lived then - the same town where we still are.

So he had already moved away (only 1 hour!) from where he grew up.
The différence is that he can now work remotely so whether we are where we live or there doesn’t matter for him.

So far, I’ve looked at it from a needs point of view.

Him being there is clearly fulfilling something for him. He is way happier. It feels like he has some aim in life he doesn’t have Wo it. I really dont want to take that away from him. I genuinely think moving there is best for him.

Me being there is … well a real issue. It’s the work that needs to be done. The fact, from his history with this house, that things can take a VERY long time to be done. I very much fear that my own needs will be put in the back burner - because he can’t get organised.
(bearing in mind, some if y needs are about being able to settle down in that area, have friends again etc… but it’s also having a house with central heating or the fact it’s not that suitable for me physically - I have some mobility issues).

I genuinely don’t think our personal needs are compatible in this case.
I’m not going to put my needs in jeopardy though. It feels too big for me this time.
But letting him get in with it feels like a cop out.

I would leave him to it. If he comes back and moans I would tell him, but I am waiting for you to show me x yo as we agreed and carry on as you are

It would be a hard no from me Op, in the circumstances you describe. If it really is only an hour away, him renovating is doable whilst you retain your current home - he needs to find another way to finance it and then you can travel to see each other. To me, that's a reasonable compromise - then leave him to it. Be mentally supportive & interested but don't actually get involved.

Once the house is complete, then reevaluate whether it's compatible with your needs (both physical & mental) & decide whether you want to move there. If not, then hard decisions may need to be made re separating but I wouldn't do anything drastic right now - let him sort the house (financing it another way without selling your current home).

@Giveover80 i had to medically retire last year (so I’m getting some income from my private pension each month. Not a lot though.) I am still way away from getting my state pension though.

@Gothambutnotahamster thats the thing that really annoys me. He just refuses to have a look at mortgages, loan, whatever to finance the work. He gave me a long list if reasons (interest rates going up, not wanting a £100k mortgage etc….) but I know he hasn’t even look at what is available and whether we could manage to raise the funds 🤬🤬🤬
Tbh that annoys me.