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Original poster

DH wants to move. I don’t.

102 replies

HotPringles · 04/08/2023 16:52

DH inherited a house. It’s lost in the middle of nowhere, needs a lot if work to be done (estimate is around the £100k mark). He wants to move there and sell our house to finance the work.

I don’t. Plenty if reasons for that that I’ve explained at length to DH.

Now during our last discussion, I’ve asked him to come up with a plan. Can he tell me what would happen if we rent our current house instead? What other ways to finance the work? Can he show me he has thought about my (physical in particular) needs when planning the whole thing.

The thing is DH is notoriously incapable of planning anything. I’ve been the one to lead all big changes during the whole if the marriage (from moving house to redecorating, organising hols, schools for the dcs. The lot). So nothing has happened in the last 3 months since our discussion.

im tempted to just leave him to it but I know he’ll be resentful that his big project won’t come to life. And tbh, he IS happier when he has spent time there. And I feel like I’m nit being supportive of him at all by refusing to engage and putting all the responsibility/work into him.
On the other side, it’s HIS project. I’m not keen so I don’t want to be leading that project.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 05/08/2023 11:13

Could it be that your DH is in denial about how your health issues will effect you in later years Op? I'm older than my DP and he forgets I can't manage as well as him with somethings, to an extent I don't think he wants to admit I'm getting older and less well.
Unless you can get him to be realistic about your needs I don't see how this can work out for you

ShouldGoToBed · 05/08/2023 11:27

No way in hell should you agree to this. And he should have the sense and consideration to see it’s completely impractical and undesirable for you to live there. So I would spell that out up front as a hard line for you - that you will not, ever, under any circumstances, agree to living there. There are still plenty of options left to him - he could do it up, rent it out as an airbnb, you could spend holiday time there together sometimes - but you need to hold firm about moving because from everything you’ve said, living there would be completely miserable and wrong for you. He needs to get clear on that asap.

oviraptor21 · 05/08/2023 11:38

Agree with most of PP that you should assist DH with his plans as they sound most unsuitable for you even as a long term option.

As an aside, have you claimed PIP to supplement your income? It's a non-means tested disability benefit.

oviraptor21 · 05/08/2023 11:39

*shouldn't stupid autocorrect 🙄

RandomMess · 05/08/2023 11:56

You need a very honest discussion with him.

DH that house and location are completely unsuitable for my NEEDS I am unable to live there.

Keep repeating until he engages in proper conversation and hears what you are saying.

I would also get particulars of properties that are are suitable for your NEEDS and state that you want to move to one of them.

RandomMess · 05/08/2023 12:02

Have you asked him all the questions as-

How would I travel to see my friends
Who would I see when you are working away
How would I manage x
What about in 5 years when I can't climb stairs anymore.

All the individual difficulties you see ask him to problem solve them.

FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2023 12:18

ButterflyOil · 05/08/2023 09:48

I know this is a very negative response so apologies but this jumped out at me along with the sole owner stuff -

It’s like he gets that I can’t do stuff like I used to but it doesn’t translate in actions/plans for the future bar the most obvious ones.

Thing is, are you sure? I mean surely he’s watched you medically retire, seen your mobility issues up close and the impact it’s having on you. So why do you think this doesn’t translate into future plans? Because from where im sitting it seems like your kids have flown the nest (uni sense), your marriage has been struggling and now he wants to take everything, put it into something only he would own and you would not be able to manage in. But since the kids are at uni and he’d have a property in his name, a job he can work remote and all his friends and so on around him from childhood - I mean pretty nice set up for him for a post-marriage life is what i’m saying.

So basically, again, sorry for the really negative interpretation but are you sure he’s not thinking ahead? Because actually it sounds like he really is - for a life that does not involve you.

Sadly I think @ButterflyOil has nailed it. The fact that he gets angry and won’t discuss alternatives supports this explanation.
There is an obvious way forward. Keep the current house and get finance to renovate the “project”. This allows OP to be in a house that she can actually live in, while H gets to do his renovation. He won’t do that. He wants to take her home away from her.

RandomMess · 05/08/2023 12:23

Tell him to go live in his dream house and renovate it whilst you stay where you are.

HalloumiLuvver · 05/08/2023 12:37

midlifecrash · 04/08/2023 17:29

Apart from anything else, there’s this - that it won’t happen if you don’t do it, and you’re worried about that although you don’t want to do it.

Suppose you went to DH and said “I would like to start a business in Sydney, I need you to plan it and get it off the ground, I’ll be upset if you don’t” would that be reasonable? Or bonkers?

The same applies here.

That puts it into perspective doesn't it. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

HalloumiLuvver · 05/08/2023 12:44

Got to this point:

• house is in DH name only so most if our assets will become ‘his’ iyswim

And that instantly became a very hard NO from me! Or at least, You would need watertight legal advice over protecting your share in this new house if you sell your current one. Imagine if you split and you were chucked out of "his" house with no funds to buy yourself anything?

Original poster
HotPringles · 05/08/2023 13:30

Imagine if you split and you were chucked out of "his" house with no funds to buy yourself anything?

Probably my biggest fear and the reason why I refuse to sell our house, esp we do t have a mortgage on it anymore.
He is working, has a good enough wage that he can get a mortgage. I don’t.

OP posts:
TheIsleOfTheLost · 05/08/2023 13:34

I think moving is a territory idea. You really need to be in a place that meets your health and support needs. Just out of interest have you said to him that you would want the other property to be in joint names for any sale and renovation to take place? I expect his reaction to that would tell you everything you need to know about his intentions

Original poster
HotPringles · 05/08/2023 13:39

Not exactly but I’ve told him that I’m worried about finding myself Wo a roof over my head. What would happen if we were to get divorced etc…

He dismissed my concerns saying he had no plan to get divorced. That was it….

OP posts:
MySoCalledWife · 05/08/2023 13:42

This could be our situation but we have not got an actual house… DH wants to move far far away, somewhere in the Highlands for his dream life of a wild wet and simple life

I want to stay in our village down south

it crops up every now and then 😁

as we do not have an actu house it is different, but they way I deal with it is by not saying outright “no” but by asking how it would work, then saying vague things like: why don’t you look into it a bit more and let me know

it then goes away

as he’s not practical and not a details man.

every single house move, every single holiday has been planned by me. Without me executing it all it will remain just a dream

could you try a similar approach? Something like “I guess that could work, but obviously we could not live there unless we have heating. How would you organise that?” If he won’t even contact a local plumber for quotes, you know it will never actually happen, so you can just let it all fizzle out

MySoCalledWife · 05/08/2023 13:44

Saying “what happens if e get divorced” is exactly how NIT to play it 😁 too easy for to say, as he indeed has: “well we won’t”

instead say you won’t consider it until central heating and a working roof are in place

then let him get on with it

(he won’t)

Greentree1 · 05/08/2023 13:48

Can you sell the house in need of too much work and buy an updated bungalow suitable for your needs, in the area he wants to be? You get the property you need, he gets the area he wants and no mortgage.

billy1966 · 05/08/2023 13:52

FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2023 12:18

Sadly I think @ButterflyOil has nailed it. The fact that he gets angry and won’t discuss alternatives supports this explanation.
There is an obvious way forward. Keep the current house and get finance to renovate the “project”. This allows OP to be in a house that she can actually live in, while H gets to do his renovation. He won’t do that. He wants to take her home away from her.

Show quote history

I would keep re reading this.

Because you are only one fight away from being homeless if you were to do this.

Utterly at his mercy.

I wouldn't dream of handing over my furture housing to someone so feckless.

He needs to finance his hobby house himself.

End fecking of!

ScottishIceCream · 05/08/2023 14:02

I'm wondering how much you really need to worry about this.

If he has never set anything in motion in his life and every time it's been you, then surely this will never get off the ground because you just need to do nothing.

As someone suggested, say to him, why don't you look into that, safe in the knowledge that he never will.

Original poster
HotPringles · 05/08/2023 16:43

I’ve said that too @MySoCalledWife.

As well as the ´Have a look at how you can finance it’ etc… which he hasn’t even looked at.
But still every few months, he comes back asking me to sell the house because there is no other possibility that can possibly work.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 05/08/2023 16:47

So...don't sell the house?!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/08/2023 16:55

Sell the house he ( if you are married it’s yours too) has inherited. Buy a house that is in liveable condition with the money from the sale, in the area he yearns for. See how you like it but keep your current house as a fallback.

‘I would have to change hospitals ‘ : that makes my blood run cold in the the current state of the NHS.

SilverTotoro · 05/08/2023 17:18

Your DH sounds very selfish. You cannot live in a house that is not accessible, and it sounds like even with work the fact the house has steps and is on a hill will mean it can never really work for you.

He is asking you to jeopardise your future security and quality of life for his dream. A dream he will not even produce a basic plan for, look into financing for or assure you will be a shared asset.

I think the next time he asks you need to be clear - you will not agree to sell your existing home to fund renovations for the new one. He would need to force a sale and you would both take half the value each. Do not feel guilty about this.

tedgran · 05/08/2023 17:34

He's only 50, has a job abd half a house, he can get a mortgage . My DD and her DH are older than him and have a much larger one. As someone else said you need to stay near your local hospital for continuity of care.

Original poster
HotPringles · 05/08/2023 21:23

Thank you all. I needed the reality check.

I think I had ended up in that space where I was holding my ground whilst feeling I was over reacting and not being supportive of him. I really was starting to doubt myself.

So hearing all your pov has been helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
HotPringles · 05/08/2023 21:24

Why have @Giveover80 posts been deleted??

OP posts: