DH wants to move. I don’t.

[HotPringles]

DH inherited a house. It’s lost in the middle of nowhere, needs a lot if work to be done (estimate is around the £100k mark). He wants to move there and sell our house to finance the work.

I don’t. Plenty if reasons for that that I’ve explained at length to DH.

Now during our last discussion, I’ve asked him to come up with a plan. Can he tell me what would happen if we rent our current house instead? What other ways to finance the work? Can he show me he has thought about my (physical in particular) needs when planning the whole thing.

The thing is DH is notoriously incapable of planning anything. I’ve been the one to lead all big changes during the whole if the marriage (from moving house to redecorating, organising hols, schools for the dcs. The lot). So nothing has happened in the last 3 months since our discussion.

im tempted to just leave him to it but I know he’ll be resentful that his big project won’t come to life. And tbh, he IS happier when he has spent time there. And I feel like I’m nit being supportive of him at all by refusing to engage and putting all the responsibility/work into him.
On the other side, it’s HIS project. I’m not keen so I don’t want to be leading that project.
What would you do?

Do you love him and does he love you?

If both of the above are present, your issues would not be as difficult as they are. Each partner would want the other to be happy, and willingly so.

And I feel like I’m nit being supportive of him at all

And this is why women end up moving when they don’t want to but their H’s do. Because The women worry about not being supportive and end up putting H first and themselves last. The men are just thinking ‘ I want to move’. And they just keep repeating that till they get what they want.

Do not move. It’s really hard to start over. And do not take on a big project with a man who’s proved himself incapable of delivering on projects.

Hold your ground OP.

I don't think that's necessarily true @Keykaty - sometimes needs / wants just aren't compatible, no matter how much people love each other.

Not sure that's the case with the Op, however, if he's not considering other ways to finance the work as to my mind, there is a reasonable compromise to be had (at least until the work is complete & then decide where to live).

@HotPringles if that's the case, it needs to be a hard no from you. He has options so don't give in. He's definitely not considering your needs, so you need to put yourself first as no one else will.

@Giveover80 , you asked once!

is the marriage happy?
The last few years have been hard for both of us. Being ill in the middle if covid wasn’t easy tbh and I think it affected both us and our marriage. His dad died too. His mum had a very serious health scare. The list goes on.

Personally, I think we need some ‘time off’ wo any drama to recover from that and find our ways again. I’m talking about adapting to the fact I’m not working anymore, dc2 will be at Uni in September and simply spending time together. We have drifted away from each other in the middle of all that.
This house stuff isn’t giving us that space.

I think it’s basically that he is frightened of taking a ‘big’ mortgage when he is 50yo. So he becomes all defensive and shuts down the conversation 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Well then that's a simple no @HotPringles - you've no other option.

Difficult one Op. His point of view is an emotional one- going home, feels happy there, wants to bring the house back to life maybe, your view is practical, the renovation will be long and expensive, he's no good at organizing so it will fall to you. I completely understand why you don't want to do this but he won't. Can you make a pros and cons list with him and make sure you get all the downsides for you aired so he can see why you don't want to do this. At the moment he's just caught up with the idea and can't see your point of view

It feels like this is pushing us further apart.

Im quite sad about it all.

Other than it being a big project and him being rubbish at it what else is holding you back? I would take a year of living in one DH'a projects (best one was the week without a proper shower as he started three bathrooms at the same time) if it made him happy.

I don't think I would like a 100k mortgage with the early repayment fees just so i didn't have to live in a building site!

If the house was done would you want to live there is the question you need to ask. Then plan how you move forward as a couple.

What exactly needs to be done to the house? I'm talking necessary to make it habitable, not cosmetic or "dream kitchen" or anything like that, but rock-bottom necessities for safety, sanitation and accessibility.

How would spending money on that house affect your support of your daughters' university fees, if you are assisting them?

Could the inherited house be any sort of income property when your husband isn't using it? Not just the house but is there room for a garden shed or house that could be rented as a workspace or storage?

To be honest, it sounds like your relationship is already fragile and in need of time to heal but this house 'issue' could smash it apart one way or the other. It sounds like a recipe for disaster given his disorganisation and the complexity of a renovation project (even with the best of project managers) but he clearly is making an emotional rather than rational decision so if you refuse to support him, that may also have consequences for your relationship.

I think all you can do is choose what you think will be the least worst option. They both sound risky.

It's so hard to advise what you should do.
Some questions I'd ask though are:

Can you sell your current home to finance the refurb? If not would the rent from current home pay for the refurb (over time)?
If there's money can you pay people to do the work?
Does he have family/ friends there that he can pick up easily with?
Do you know people?
If you're unwell, is it accessible to what you need? Shops, doctors, hospitals etc
Would your dc be more or less inclined to visit you there?

What is holding me back?

• central heating. DH travels for work, a week at a time, I wouldn’t be able to haul the wood and coal to heat the house when he isn’t here. (Heating is coal and wood atm)
• the whole kitchen - again it would create issues for me, physically until it’s redone.
• access to the house itself and the garden (steps/house build on a hill). Again physical issues with moving around/in and out of the house, access to washing line etc too.
• Roof needs to completely redone
• Bathroom needs to be redone.

I really would not be able to live there on my own until a lot of (if not all) the work is done. That would make me dependent on DH which I hate (and he would hate too tbh). And if course, what’s going to happen when he is away and the work isn’t finished? Other issues

• far away from the things I enjoy doing
• loosing my own support network/friends
• harder for me to go and see the dcs whilst they are at Uni
• house is in DH name only so most if our assets will become ‘his’ iyswim

@HundredMilesAnHour yes that’s how it feels.

@fireflyloo , further away from shops, harder to get to them (I’d need the car etc…). I’d have to change hospitals.
And no I don’t know anyone there at all apart from MIL.

Excellent points.

I know of several people who have cut back on their planned house extensions/renovations due to the dramatic post Covid cost of materials increase and the waiting times for reputable builders.

IMO there is little as stressful as renovating a house, even with a fully committed partner.

Doing it with a ditherer would be horrific.

In the OP's place I would keep repeating on a loop, his need to fully investigate the viability of his plans with a full costing etc.

If he has a tantrum, don't engage, but let it remind you of what he would be like dealing with the delays and frustrations that have never been more prevalent in house renovating.

There is no way approaching retirement, with health/mobility issues I would be entertaining moving away from my friends and supports.

Not a chance

The more you write, the clearer it seems that there is nothing in this for you. What he wants and what you want/need are totally in incompatible.

Also your troubled and not very happy marriage might benefit from some space . Hence my suggestion to live apart ( for at least some of the time ) while he does his project.

That way you can live in comfort and he can choose to live on a building site. And you won’t feel under pressure to organise the refurb for him because it’s all going wrong. And it will be his money that’s wasted not yours.

I have refurbished about 10 properties ( most but not all while living elsewhere ) and I can assure you that it always is messier, takes longer and costs more than you think at the start. And that’s with a good, experienced project manager, a team of reliable trades people and trade contracts for purchasing materials. Oh and not being in the middle of nowhere.

BTW any house that needs a new roof and has no central heating almost certainly needs new windows , rewired and partly replastered, perhaps the layout needs reconfigured. Installing a new heating system in a rural area is quite tricky nowadays - there’s probably no mains gas and all the green alternatives require a HUGE of insulation in an older house.

But if your husband CBA to even work out how to fund it, he’s not going to have even considered that type of issue. I suspect the budget of £100k is based mostly on guesswork .

If it was just living in a project that was the issue then I would suggest taking out a loan or mortgage to fund the work then once ready to move sell up your current home and pay off the debt.

but if you don’t even want to live there once it’s renovated then this issue is much bigger….. you ultimately have different long term desires and that could be a dealbreaker.

You’re right @AndyMcFlurry , there is no main gas….

I wouldn't move to "the middle of nowhere" under any circumstances at all, unless it was literally life or death. Why would you?

I don't think you have anything more to discuss

You cannot live there. The house is not suitable for you due to your mobility issues.

You need access to your health services and shops...and more adapted house.

No central heating in old house also means damp and mould.

He cannot provide a safe, secure, convenient and sanitary environment in this house.

Most importantly - he cannot do anything without you actually doing it for him.

So that should be the end of his grand design dreams

From what you have posted there are 3 issues.

• the location of the property
• the condition of the property
• financing/managing the renovations

The location cannot be changed, so hypothetically if the other two issues could be resolved would you be happy to live there?

If that's a hard no, then frankly you need a straight conversation to that effect.

If that's not a deal breaker then I think you need to consider what the minimum level of acceptable condition of the property would be to meet your needs. For example new roof/central heating but a kitchen could wait.

Knowing that you need to consider how you could finance getting the property to an acceptable condition to move into. That might mean selling and renting. Equity release on your current home.

If you can make that work then you need to consider the management of the project.

Be clear - it's his project not yours and your finances will be impacted if he can't deliver on time.

Finally he wants to change the status quo so it's up to him to do the leg work in respect of planning/exploring/getting quotes for the above so you can make a joint decision.

If he can't get off the block doing the above, then sure as hell he can't deliver a big Reno project and he needs to get his head out of his arse.

No way in hell!
I've got one of these... big dreams, zero planning ability.
Wants to do a self- build
But he hates speaking to people and won't even call around to get quotes for fitting a door, not sure how he's going to project manager with a dozen different contractors... his solution is to 'hire a project manager' ye but you still need to talk to them.

You are doing nothing wrong. In fact, you are not the hired help, to run around executing on his ideas. Do nothing. Pretend to be supportive by asking him for progress updates :) but do nothing to help.

He should get the hint.

This stands out in neon lights:

• house is in DH name only so most if our assets will become ‘his’ iyswim

Very, very risky for you. Absolutely do not sell your current house! If he wants to pursue this dream project of his, he needs to finance it without taking your house away from you. It's unreasonable of him not to consider a mortgage or other loans just because he doesn't like the idea. He can raise the money and live on his building site. You need to be in your home, which is actually habitable and suitable for your needs.