DH wants to move. I don’t.

[HotPringles]

DH inherited a house. It’s lost in the middle of nowhere, needs a lot if work to be done (estimate is around the £100k mark). He wants to move there and sell our house to finance the work.

I don’t. Plenty if reasons for that that I’ve explained at length to DH.

Now during our last discussion, I’ve asked him to come up with a plan. Can he tell me what would happen if we rent our current house instead? What other ways to finance the work? Can he show me he has thought about my (physical in particular) needs when planning the whole thing.

The thing is DH is notoriously incapable of planning anything. I’ve been the one to lead all big changes during the whole if the marriage (from moving house to redecorating, organising hols, schools for the dcs. The lot). So nothing has happened in the last 3 months since our discussion.

im tempted to just leave him to it but I know he’ll be resentful that his big project won’t come to life. And tbh, he IS happier when he has spent time there. And I feel like I’m nit being supportive of him at all by refusing to engage and putting all the responsibility/work into him.
On the other side, it’s HIS project. I’m not keen so I don’t want to be leading that project.
What would you do?

@FictionalCharacter , I think I would have been more relaxed a few years ago.
But I can’t work. My (private) pension is minimal. I want to know I’ll have a roof over my head regardless of what happens (DH death or divorce)

The stress alone from renovating is usually enough to cause a strain on anyones marriage. Thats even where they supposedly have a solid marriage.

Being that it'll be almost impossible for you to live there alone when he's away then I think he's being selfish. We've all seen programmes where they renovate or pull down a house and start again. All sounds like a lovely dream. In reality it'll be hell on earth. The fact that he's not really project manager material is an even greater worry.

Will the organising fall to you when he can't cope and is there a risk that you could both lose everything. We all have pipedreams but the reality is far different. I don't think you're being unsupportive. I don't thinkmhes thought this through.

Maybe you need to get him to sit down and work out the finances microscopically and that might enough for him to realise for himself that its not feasible without you having to simply refuse to go along with it and him blaming you forever for his missed opportunity.

This sounds like a terrible idea. I can’t help thinking that a kind partner wouldn’t want to put you in a position where you were in an unsuitable house for your disability.

Missed this so I'd add to the list I did below the requirement that the house is put in joint names IF you go ahead.

Fundamentally it seems to me that a lot is being expect of you in terms of compromises but very little from him.

If this is going to work then a LOT of re-balancing is required to make this a partnership decision - without which, it's going to fail and likely take your marriage with it.

This is a really difficult thread. To be honest I think it is one of the most difficult ones I have seen for a long time as both people are deeply compromised.

Normally if there is time, youthfulness etc, then things can work out. But here there is a very obvious and massive compromise between you and your DH because from your post I detect time is not on your sides. You clearly do not want to leave your current home and that is understandable. It is also true that your DH is going to grow more unhappy as time progresses.

The world is not always hunky dory. Sometimes we have 12 square blocks, 11 square holes and 1 round hole. It is just the way it is.

This house is his square block and your round hole. This game is over for you both. There is no love in your posts either.

The more you write, the more I think this is something that could ruin the marriage, not strengthen it.

It’s just not the right thing for your NEEDS, even if it meets his WANTS. That should be the end of it in a good marriage. He would be within his rights to regret a lost opportunity, but regret should be all. It should never progress beyond that to resentment or, worse, insisting and forcing the issue. His foremost duty is to the couple, not himself, if the marriage and family are his main priority.

I don’t think it’s uncommon to start looking at your life carefully when your children start leaving home. But both spouses should do that together, and agree on their desired outcome.

I agree with this, hence my compromise of the Op staying where she is and he renovates without selling their current home & then when it's finished, she can decide if she wants to move in (especially as it's only an hour away).

The fact that he's not supportive of this is a major red flag.

Bloody hell @FictionalCharacter well spotted.

Of course!

He's suggesting you pour the sale of the house into HIS asset?

Does he think you are stupid?

Is he?

What a bizarre suggestion....be wary...

Could you sell both the houses and buy a new one in his home town? He gets to go back to where he is happy ang you don't have to live in a building site?

If he is wanting no mortgage, why doesnt he sell the doer upper and pay off your own mortgage (on the joint house.....)

So you only have a small income and no/ limited ability to work because of your health . In that case you need to be really REALLY careful about any capital assets you own, such as half of your current house and your half is his pension.

So don’t even THINK about agreeing to sell up your current house and putting your half of the money into a house that he owns. If he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he could end up spending £50,000 on it and it not being worth a lot more than when he started.

If the Reno project goes badly wrong, he will end up selling it and depending on where it is, there might not be much demand. So it’s very risky.

That’s why I’m suggesting that if you do sell your current house, you get your half of the money out now . So the other house project is him spending his money on his asset and your capital is protected.

Of course you need legal advice to set this up properly as you are married.

Thank you all.

Im realising reading your answers that I, somehow, focused a lot on the practical side of things (accessibility, his planning skills etc….) and I brushed aside stuff like who is owning the house and his lack of support. So it might feel to him that if he can pull out something that will keep me happy on that point of view, then everything will be plain sailing.

Im also thinking of those threads about older people struggling in their unsuitable houses. How they should have moved to a bungalow/more suitable house/closer to A and B. My mobility isn’t going to get much better than it is now.
A dream move for me would be a bungalow, big enough for the dcs to stay over and adapted to me. A walk in shower and stuff in easy reach in the kitchen rather than high up in the cupboards.
Tbf I’m struggling to accept that as my new reality. DH just doesn’t see it. It’s like he gets that I can’t do stuff like I used to but it doesn’t translate in actions/plans for the future bar the most obvious ones.

im exhausted. The last 3 years have been really hard. I don’t want to have to fight on that project.

I agreed many years ago to sell our family home and downsize to keep my husband happy. Needless to say for many reasons he's an ex husband now. I have few regrets in my life but moving away then is definitely up there.

I know this is a very negative response so apologies but this jumped out at me along with the sole owner stuff -

It’s like he gets that I can’t do stuff like I used to but it doesn’t translate in actions/plans for the future bar the most obvious ones.

Thing is, are you sure? I mean surely he’s watched you medically retire, seen your mobility issues up close and the impact it’s having on you. So why do you think this doesn’t translate into future plans? Because from where im sitting it seems like your kids have flown the nest (uni sense), your marriage has been struggling and now he wants to take everything, put it into something only he would own and you would not be able to manage in. But since the kids are at uni and he’d have a property in his name, a job he can work remote and all his friends and so on around him from childhood - I mean pretty nice set up for him for a post-marriage life is what i’m saying.

So basically, again, sorry for the really negative interpretation but are you sure he’s not thinking ahead? Because actually it sounds like he really is - for a life that does not involve you.

OP,

You really need to separate the issues.

Your future housing needs being met is absolutely critical to your long term enjoyment of your future.

As you have mobility issues, it is imperative that you remain geographically close to those that care for you.
This is a complete non negotiable.

As you age it is far harder to impose and ask for help from new friends, much easier from older established friendships.

It is clear that HE has a dream and it is all about him.

That's ok, but do not be sucked into it.

If needs be sell and separate.

I would start looking at what you could get for your money that would suit your needs. Your children may need to share a room with a divider if your husband doesn't want to provide housing for them.

They are highly unlikely to favour an out of the way rural setting.

Yes. It’s a big worry of mine.

I can see myself and DH moving further and further apart.
I can see that house making it worse and our needs becoming so different that they are incompatible.

And I’m scared to end up Wo a house as I’m getting older.
Dh just doesn’t see the problem. But then he still has 15 years if active life in front if him. 15 years to build a pension, 15 years to build up savings and invest in something important to him.
If things go tits up, I dint have that luxury.

We did exactly this. I didnt want to move- to a smaller house that needed renovating - but we had lived in the same house for 25 years, and I knew DH really didnt like it there, so I felt I had to support him.
Turns out it was the best decision ever made. I love the house, which we were able to renovate so within a year everything was brand new and chosen by us, rather than a bit tired and someone else’s taste. The area is a quieter, more rural area and DH is nearer his friends which is a great bonus.

Whatever you estimate the cost to renovate a house, you can add on at least 33%.

Unless you are in the building trade it will become a money pit.

@Dombasle i have told dh that if he was quoted £100k, then he needs to plan £150k.
it might be over the top but watching these renovating programs, that’s usually what tends to happen. There are ALWAYS stuff happening that you didn’t plan to do.

How likely are your DC to want to come and visit if your home is not the place where they grew up and is a building site? This project could lead to distance between you and your DC as well as you and your DH.

Would the compromise be that you move to somewhere that is half way between your current home and his childhood home and to a home that suits your needs? It sounds to me like for him it is the location he wants to change, not necessarily take on a project.

Also the couples tend to divorce during the renovations!

And yes, I’m really not sure he is planning his life ahead with the idea that I won’t be there anyway.
But he is certainly going for HIS dream.

That’s why I feel I’m in a loose-loose situation.
I say NO. He doesn’t get to live there and he is going to be miserable, resentful and blame me. Which he acknowledge btw. I’m not sure our marriage would survive.
I say YES and I’m compromising so much that I’m putting myself in a crap place, health wise and financially too.

Rural living also creates other issues you may not have found before. Finding tradesmen, deliveries and access. Transport - 2 cars will be needed as few taxis, limited public transport. No popping to local shop or out on an evening. Also local doctors, dentist, hospitals etc

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