Page 3 | How do you deal with a partner who comes home in a bad mood

RedRobyn2021 · 2023-08-03T18:42:58+00:00

Just interested to see how others deal with this My partner has come home from work in a bad mood, he had a bad day and he's tired. I said to him when I spoke to him on the phone (I rang to discuss what to have for dinner) and I said, can you use the drive home to unwind a bit because I don't want you to come home and make me feel horrible. However he came home and has made several petty/unkind comments and just generally been unpleasant to be around. After a few of these comments I said, I am trying to be patient with you but if you carry on speaking to me like this I am going to lose my temper. He carried on and it turned into a disagreement. No shouting but I feel upset and he is now acting like I'm the cause of all his problems. How do others deal with this? Can there be something I do differently? I do a lot for him and I just resent being sniped at, I sympathise that he has had a bad day but I don't think he should be taking that out on me.

WetBandits · 04/08/2023 14:31

My DP is going through a horrendous time at work at the moment and is coming home in a foul mood most of the time, I’ve made it very clear that he is not to take it out on me and that if he feels like he has used up all his ‘nice’ at work, he can just go upstairs to his man cave and I won’t push him for interaction. He did the same for me when I was having a similarly shitty time at work.

When he gets home, I’ll hop on the sofa next to him and just give him a little cuddle and that usually softens his mood a little. Sometimes if he goes upstairs to the cave, I’ll send the dog up after a short while to ask for a walk to get him out the house to clear his head a bit, and he’ll generally come home feeling better and ready to chat!

Original poster

RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:32

Prelapsarianhag · 04/08/2023 12:22

Why are all these women having to moniter their partner's moods and second guess them in order to decide to either leave them alone or cheer them up. Ffs, these are grown men and can regulate their own moods if they choose to do so. If they want to be performative miserable arseholes they can fuck right off.

THANK YOU! I agree.

OP posts:

PTSDBarbiegirl · 04/08/2023 14:32

Screamingabdabz · 04/08/2023 13:54

The 1950s called…🙄 Jeez. The man is being a bully. She needs to toughen up not mopping his brow and bring him cups of tea ffs.

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A bully?! Jesus, if a partner saying they are tired and stressed is your idea of bullying then I'd hate to imagine the response to a moaning other half who calls their partner at work (of either sex) to get ideas of what meal they should have. The OP is being ridiculous but thanks for your observation however incorrect it may be.

Screamingabdabz · 04/08/2023 14:36

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:54

Men (generally speaking) don’t want to talk about their anger, they need physical release. Tell him to go to the gym or go for a run after work before he comes home but leave the negativity outside the home

Wow. Great. 'When your partner is feeling low, tell them to go to the gym rather than bring their problems to you to talk through.'

I can see where things might go wrong...

It’s not a binary solution. But men often don’t want to talk out their problems. And equally, women who’ve also had a day of work or childcare shouldn’t always be expected to be the perfect angelic repositories of male anger every day.

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/08/2023 14:38

I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to never be in a bad mood. I'd expect him to behave fairly at those times (still do necessary tasks, basic politeness) but I wouldn't expect him to be chatty, until he'd had a decent length of time to decompress and unwind. Most people need a bit of space to re-regulate their mood after a crap day.

Original poster

RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:39

@sandyhappypeople

I love hearing about his work, and I appreciate it when he wants to share his work stresses with me. It makes me feel like we are actually a team and he is being open with me.

I do not appreciate him coming home and making petty, unkind remarks in order to try argue with me. Tough if he or you think that is "condescending" I used to really enjoy my 30 minute commute and like him, I would listen to audiobooks and use it as alone time.

No I stopped working in March, but that makes absolutely zero difference as I would have told him the same then.

Also, I am not here to cook his meals, predict his moods and clean his house. Although I do all those things, it's certainly not my job. I am looking after his daughter whilst he is at work that is my job. Sorry if you don't value that as much as I do, but I expect him to be present when he's home because he's supposed to be my partner and my daughters father. I also expect him to be civil.

If I have a stressful day with my toddler am I given any kind of break? Absolutely not. Because dinner still needs to be made, the animals need feeding, his lunch for the next day needs making and my daughter needs putting to bed.

And FYI life was a hell of a lot easier for me when I was working and I would consider my job quite stressful, it is much harder looking after 2yo.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:40

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:42

can you use the drive home to unwind a bit because I don't want you to come home and make me feel horrible

I wouldn't say this to my partner because we care about each other, and if my partner said it to me, I'd find it very unpleasant and unsympathetic.

Why does him being in a bad mood make you feel horrible? Does he do/say horrible things?

Yes he does. He comes home and he picks fights and is just generally unkind.

OP posts:

gannett · 04/08/2023 14:41

Screamingabdabz · 04/08/2023 14:36

It’s not a binary solution. But men often don’t want to talk out their problems. And equally, women who’ve also had a day of work or childcare shouldn’t always be expected to be the perfect angelic repositories of male anger every day.

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Not sure such massive generalisations are really helpful. There isn't even a one-size-fits-all rule to any individual. Depending what the problem is, sometimes DP wants to talk and sometimes he doesn't. Same for me. Some issues mean I need to vocalise what's in my head to untangle them. Other times I just need to go for a long run - I am surprised to discover that physical release is apparently only for men.

Begonne · 04/08/2023 14:49

DH doesn’t do this. Neither do I.
I’m not saying that to be smug but to point out that it’s not unavoidable.

We both have bad days where we’re tired, upset, worried, frustrated and we might share those things or leave them at the door.
Home is a safe place where you can hide out from the world for a while

If dh is tired I might suggest he has an early night, or unwinds with a movie. And if I’m tired I might say that I need an early night. Sometimes there’s more stress and exhaustion than we can manage and we have to muddle through together.

My dps were nothing like this. I had no idea that it was even possible to reign in big moods before I met dh. But once my eyes were opened, it’s a skill I acquired fast. I had to see it modelled to understand it was possible. If I read what I just posted I’d have assumed it was made up.

There aren’t really resources to learn emotional intelligence as an adult and marriage counselling is seen as a last resort. But maybe this is an issue worth taking to a professional?

Begonne · 04/08/2023 14:49

DH doesn’t do this. Neither do I.
I’m not saying that to be smug but to point out that it’s not unavoidable.

We both have bad days where we’re tired, upset, worried, frustrated and we might share those things or leave them at the door.
Home is a safe place where you can hide out from the world for a while

If dh is tired I might suggest he has an early night, or unwinds with a movie. And if I’m tired I might say that I need an early night. Sometimes there’s more stress and exhaustion than we can manage and we have to muddle through together.

My dps were nothing like this. I had no idea that it was even possible to reign in big moods before I met dh. But once my eyes were opened, it’s a skill I acquired fast. I had to see it modelled to understand it was possible. If I read what I just posted I’d have assumed it was made up.

There aren’t really resources to learn emotional intelligence as an adult and marriage counselling is seen as a last resort. But maybe this is an issue worth taking to a professional?

Peony654 · 04/08/2023 14:54

Honestly leave him alone. He told you he was in a bad mood, that’s allowed, he’s being honest. I tell my DH if I am in a bad mood, and he respectfully leaves me alone which is what I want. If he started arguing or asking me about my mood, it would make it much worse

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 14:56

RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:40

Yes he does. He comes home and he picks fights and is just generally unkind.

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OK, well, you're not dealing with 'a partner who comes home in a bad mood', then. You're dealing with a partner who doesn't respect you.

It's not the same. Dealing with a partner who comes home in a bad mood involves talking with them about what they need/want, and finding a way to help them feel better. Dealing with a partner who doesn't respect you involves leaving them if they don't agree to respect you from now on.

MNetcurtains · 04/08/2023 14:58

Anyhoodaloo · 03/08/2023 20:50

So, did he come across as being in a bad mood when you phoned him so you said the comment or did you pre empt him by telling him to unwind?

Yeah, this is a bit like telling someone the 'calm down'. Bit provocative actually.

gannett · 04/08/2023 15:04

RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:40

Yes he does. He comes home and he picks fights and is just generally unkind.

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Hmm I'm not going to get into a "who started it" but if I came home in a bad mood and my partner expected me to be "present", forced interaction, insisted that I somehow get over my bad mood before walking in the door and didn't give me space, I would absolutely snap at them.

Of course if none of that applies and he's taking it out on you from the off, that's unacceptable and abusive.

sandyhappypeople · 04/08/2023 21:29

RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:39

@sandyhappypeople

I love hearing about his work, and I appreciate it when he wants to share his work stresses with me. It makes me feel like we are actually a team and he is being open with me.

I do not appreciate him coming home and making petty, unkind remarks in order to try argue with me. Tough if he or you think that is "condescending" I used to really enjoy my 30 minute commute and like him, I would listen to audiobooks and use it as alone time.

No I stopped working in March, but that makes absolutely zero difference as I would have told him the same then.

Also, I am not here to cook his meals, predict his moods and clean his house. Although I do all those things, it's certainly not my job. I am looking after his daughter whilst he is at work that is my job. Sorry if you don't value that as much as I do, but I expect him to be present when he's home because he's supposed to be my partner and my daughters father. I also expect him to be civil.

If I have a stressful day with my toddler am I given any kind of break? Absolutely not. Because dinner still needs to be made, the animals need feeding, his lunch for the next day needs making and my daughter needs putting to bed.

And FYI life was a hell of a lot easier for me when I was working and I would consider my job quite stressful, it is much harder looking after 2yo.

you still haven’t said how you managed to go from “what shall we have for dinner” to “well don’t come home with that attitude” in one unnecessary phone call? I suspect I might know why.

Your attitude sounds awful to be honest, and you’ve demonstrated it very clearly in your reply to me: you don’t want to clean HIS house, or cook HIS meals, while you’re looking after HIS daughter because it’s not your ‘job’? .. it’s a very selfish take on the basic day to day drudgery that all households somehow manage to deal with. Who’s ‘job’ is it, if not the person spending the most time actually at home? Are you seriously expecting him to walk straight in after a shit day at work and deal with all that with a spring in his step because he listened to an audio book on his way home??

FWIW, I have a 2 year old daughter, I know what it’s like, me and DH share the childcare between us and both work full time hours around each other.. it’s exhausting, but we always give each other time to decompress when we come in.. we have a chat and a cuppa, let each other vent, because we care about each other’s well being, and don’t look at everything purely from our own point of view.

Strokethefurrywall · 04/08/2023 21:53

I always ask if they want comfort or solutions - and this goes for everyone in the house (especially the kids).

If there's a bad mood, I ask the above question and they can decide if they want me to just listen, or to help them find a solution. Sometimes being able to rant is the solution, where the ire is directed outwardly but not at me.

A number of times I've been in a foul mood when I've gotten home but I've never, EVER taken it out on my family. I'll tell husband that I need to have a rant, he'll crack a beer, and I'll unload. I don't need him to play devils advocate (that pisses me off no end), I might not need a solution, but sometimes I need to unload to someone who'll listen and then give me a hug and make me a cup of tea.

billy1966 · 04/08/2023 22:51

Get back to work OP asap and stop depending on him financially.

number1barber · 25/11/2023 10:13

My gf gets like this. She is Lithuanian so really doesn't talk much but when she gets annoyed she goes to 100 instantly banging things etc etc. Recently she couldn't sleep properly and I disturbed her and she got up and slammed the door. Through gritted teeth I quietly told her we had neighbours under us and she needs to stf up. I simply don't stand for it. Me being angry is a me issue not a her issue. I won't take it out on her and I won't accept her taking it out on me. If she annoyed me enough which is hard to do I would simply go out or just goto another room and do something else but next day she would be told that it's not going to fly. Your partner needs to fix up or leave. If he is not happy in his job change jobs.

Pammy28 · 25/11/2023 10:24

I used to work in a stressful job, and had more bad days than good. When this happens a lot , taking it out on your partner , ask yourself is this job worth it! Eventually I quit the job, life is too short!

rwalker · 25/11/2023 10:30

Say hello acknowledge they’ve had a bad day and leave them to it

telling them not to come home is just antagonistic and piss them of even more