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Original poster

How do you deal with a partner who comes home in a bad mood

70 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 19:42

Just interested to see how others deal with this

My partner has come home from work in a bad mood, he had a bad day and he's tired. I said to him when I spoke to him on the phone (I rang to discuss what to have for dinner) and I said, can you use the drive home to unwind a bit because I don't want you to come home and make me feel horrible.

However he came home and has made several petty/unkind comments and just generally been unpleasant to be around.

After a few of these comments I said, I am trying to be patient with you but if you carry on speaking to me like this I am going to lose my temper.

He carried on and it turned into a disagreement. No shouting but I feel upset and he is now acting like I'm the cause of all his problems.

How do others deal with this? Can there be something I do differently?

I do a lot for him and I just resent being sniped at, I sympathise that he has had a bad day but I don't think he should be taking that out on me.

OP posts:
Prelapsarianhag · 04/08/2023 12:22

Why are all these women having to moniter their partner's moods and second guess them in order to decide to either leave them alone or cheer them up. Ffs, these are grown men and can regulate their own moods if they choose to do so. If they want to be performative miserable arseholes they can fuck right off.

calmcoco · 04/08/2023 12:26

RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 20:37

That's lovely of you. I genuinely mean that.

I have a 2 year old and I expect him to help with getting everything ready for dinner. I don't think it's on for him to sit and ignore her after not seeing her all day and I also don't think it's my job to run around after him every evening whilst he unwinds. Perhaps I would if he ever gave me opportunities to unwind too.

Show quote history

You both sound unreasonable and unsupportive to me.

He should be able to come home in a bad mood. It is his home. He shouldn't take it out on you with personal remarks, but he should be able to explain what is wrong.

You should be overall sharing the burden in the house.

calmcoco · 04/08/2023 12:28

I also think @sandyhappypeople makes very good points.

If my DH didn't listen to me moan about my workplace I would go up the wall!!

Madat54 · 04/08/2023 12:28

Prelapsarianhag - I am glad you said it, I thought it was just me. How dare he ignore you the CF - his behaviour he should know, especially with a toddler is unacceptable. Second guesing what mood he is going to be in, I think not!

billy1966 · 04/08/2023 12:58

Prelapsarianhag · 04/08/2023 12:22

Why are all these women having to moniter their partner's moods and second guess them in order to decide to either leave them alone or cheer them up. Ffs, these are grown men and can regulate their own moods if they choose to do so. If they want to be performative miserable arseholes they can fuck right off.

Agreed.

Being grumpy after a days work can happen.

Come home grumpy and be nasty to your partner?

No.

Do this regularly and not bother with your child?

Abusive arsehole.

You are NOT his emotional punching bag.

Unfortunately you have had one child with him, do not have another.

Protect yourself and think about your future and that of your child, who will become more and more aware of how her father behaves.

gannett · 04/08/2023 13:09

can you use the drive home to unwind a bit because I don't want you to come home and make me feel horrible

This is a wildly unreasonable thing to say to anyone.

It's not nice to be around anyone who's in a bad mood, no, but if the cause of the bad mood is something shitty they're going through, it's much worse to actually be the one going through it.

If I'm having a rough time at work I don't expect my partner to make it all about him.

If DP or I come home in a bad mood the way we both deal with it - and the way most normal people deal with it - is to let the other person vent a bit if they want, but otherwise just give them space to get in a better frame of mind. Demanding that they magically switch their mood around is neither supportive, nor effective, nor reasonable.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 04/08/2023 13:11

Silent treatment completely until things calm down. Usually ends in apologies.

Aquaphant · 04/08/2023 13:35

I just do my own thing when DH is in a mood. To be fair I come home from work feeling drained most days and need about half an hour to unwind before I feel chatty and ready to engage. You could try giving him a bit of space to decompress? It always irritates me when DH pounces when I come through the door and starts rattling on.

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:42

can you use the drive home to unwind a bit because I don't want you to come home and make me feel horrible

I wouldn't say this to my partner because we care about each other, and if my partner said it to me, I'd find it very unpleasant and unsympathetic.

Why does him being in a bad mood make you feel horrible? Does he do/say horrible things?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 04/08/2023 13:51

Finding your post a bit immature. Why are you calling DP at work to discuss what to have for dinner? make a decision. Likewise for telling him to unwind on way home.. FFS you are making yourself seem needy and pathetic and selfish. If your partner is knackered, encourage them to go for a lie down, bring a cup of tea and leave them alone. Do you work, surely you can empathise with what stress and tiredness feel like? Get it together and look at your own contributions and see if you can show some compassion to your partner instead of moaning and placing more demands.

Screamingabdabz · 04/08/2023 13:51

Men (generally speaking) don’t want to talk about their anger, they need physical release. Tell him to go to the gym or go for a run after work before he comes home but leave the negativity outside the home.

Also, if you are a domestic doormat - then stop. You have a right to live without walking on eggshells - you’re both bringing up a family - he does not get the right to physically dominate the household just because he has paid employment. Have some self worth and boundaries and expect better - if only to role model to your kids.

Screamingabdabz · 04/08/2023 13:54

PTSDBarbiegirl · 04/08/2023 13:51

Finding your post a bit immature. Why are you calling DP at work to discuss what to have for dinner? make a decision. Likewise for telling him to unwind on way home.. FFS you are making yourself seem needy and pathetic and selfish. If your partner is knackered, encourage them to go for a lie down, bring a cup of tea and leave them alone. Do you work, surely you can empathise with what stress and tiredness feel like? Get it together and look at your own contributions and see if you can show some compassion to your partner instead of moaning and placing more demands.

The 1950s called…🙄 Jeez. The man is being a bully. She needs to toughen up not mopping his brow and bring him cups of tea ffs.

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:54

Men (generally speaking) don’t want to talk about their anger, they need physical release. Tell him to go to the gym or go for a run after work before he comes home but leave the negativity outside the home

Wow. Great. 'When your partner is feeling low, tell them to go to the gym rather than bring their problems to you to talk through.'

I can see where things might go wrong...

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 04/08/2023 13:58

It really depends on his tone with me and how often this was happening.

If it was frequent and he was moody to the point of taking it out on me, I'd be thinking about getting out of the relationship entirely. I'd probably end up raising my voice if someone was actually being rude to me. If they weren't sufficiently apologetic, I'd make plans to leave.

If it was the odd bit of moodiness, I'd just go quiet. I don't particularly like confrontation. I'd try to make peace a bit later and cheer them up. I would understand them not wanting to see children. If I'm in a mood, I prefer to have a bit of alone space and personally, I'd rather not risk getting moody at a child because little changes in tone can upset them.

NancyJoan · 04/08/2023 14:00

DH can be like this (grumpy, not unkind), it is def worse when he works from home and doesn't have a clear break from work to home.

I either go out for a walk, or just potter upstairs and leave him to it for an hour or two.. We have teenagers though, so I don't need him to be hands on when he comes home.

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 04/08/2023 14:02

Also, your request to use the drive to unwind would have put my back up. I don't know why, but it would make me even more agitated.

Plus logically, driving in rush hour traffic (I assume) when you're in a bad mood and you want to get home isn't that relaxing.

WantingToEducate · 04/08/2023 14:05

I give him a huge and long cuddle and make him a cup of coffee. That usually does the trick.

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 14:07

I don't come home from work grumpy or in a bad mood but I do quite often need to decompress and 'download' all the shit from my head. My partner makes me a cup of tea and just lets me sound off for a bit. He might interject with something to show he's listening but the whole thing is on my terms. He doesn't ask if I want to talk about it (fortunately, because I'd find that patronising). But I always know I can. I'd never take it out on him or snap at him though because I'm not annoyed with him.

I also find it difficult to switch straight into mum mode just because I've walked through the front door. It's not personal but, before I had a partner to offload to, I'd need to lie down in a dark, quiet room for about am hour before I could be 'on' again for the children.

If you've had a really bad day or been on high alert/stressed for 8 hours, it's hard to just switch off from that. The drive home isn't going to do it! It's hardly restful in itself.

In all, its fine for him to not be 'on' as soon as he gets in; it's fine for him to take 30/60mins to decompress. It's not fine for him to be snappy or off with you. Because it's been nothing to do with you.

If talking to him doesn't help, then I'd try giving him space to see if that makes a difference.

Frogger8395 · 04/08/2023 14:08

What type of unkind things did he say op?

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 14:08

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 04/08/2023 14:02

Also, your request to use the drive to unwind would have put my back up. I don't know why, but it would make me even more agitated.

Plus logically, driving in rush hour traffic (I assume) when you're in a bad mood and you want to get home isn't that relaxing.

Me too.

HamBone · 04/08/2023 14:15

Both DH and I occasionally come home in a mood due to a rough day. I personally like some space, I’ll say that I’m grumpy and then do my own thing, work out, take the dog for a walk, etc. If either of us want to vent, the other one listens and tries to be sympathetic…but sometimes you just need to be on your own until you feel better.

Snapping and griping isn’t OK though. When he’s in a better mood, I’d tell your DH that you while you understand that he’s had a bad day, you didn’t appreciate being a target. Next time, you’ll give him plenty of space and expect him to be civil.

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:25

Anyhoodaloo · 03/08/2023 20:50

So, did he come across as being in a bad mood when you phoned him so you said the comment or did you pre empt him by telling him to unwind?

I could tell the moment he picked the phone up he'd had a bad day, so I asked if he was ok and he told me he'd had a bad day

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:26

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2023 20:39

How often is this?

Once a year, pfft.

Once a week I'd be having proper words.

I would say maybe once everything 3/4 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:27

@EarthSight honestly, if that's his intention I don't think it has ever worked.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2023 14:29

frozendaisy · 03/08/2023 21:43

I would tell him well you're home now the place you can leave work behind say hello to your daughter she doesn't deserve a grumpy moody dad she has done nothing wrong and neither have I. But if you want to sit here all sourpuss then fine you are not going to drag us down with you. I might point out if I was feeling generous, I am happy to listen to your bad bad day but not be blamed for it.

I would have a bath with a book.

Take book to bed.

Yes, I would say this. Then it continues and I start to get properly cross with him. I think that's probably the time to put space between us before it becomes an argument which I don't particularly want or have the energy for.

OP posts:
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