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Original poster

DP got a dog

118 replies

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:19

NC for this, will try keep it short.

DP of multiple years, living in our own homes. Kids of our own, none together and no plans to have more. Plans to move in one day and talked of marriage. He says he can see himself growing old with me.

I like, and have owned dogs in the past but I’ve been clear of my opinion they are a big responsibility, expensive, a tie and perhaps a good option when we are older, work less hours and have more time and money. Something we could do together. DP’s parents had dogs he’s never owned one by himself so he has never had sole responsibility for a dog or raised a puppy.

He has made a sudden decision to get a dog for his kids in the last few weeks and has bought a tiny puppy.

It’s his time, money and house so I have no say in his decision and although he’s kept me up to date he hasn’t talked to me about how this is going to impact our relationship.

I don’t want to piss on his chips, he is so excited and happy. I am not as excited as this is a huge 15 year commitment he is making to a dog.

No more spontaneous nights out on our child free time. Money will be tighter for him. No movement towards buying a house together. Factoring in kennels or dog sitting to holidays or staying in the U.K. Broken sleep, early mornings, rain soaked winter walks. Our social life together will now be centred around dog related activities. It’s not always summer. A dog I haven’t had any input in training or it’s upbringing. I am sure I will fall in love with the dog but it will always be DP’s dog.

Am I irrational and unreasonable to be feeling this way? How best to approach this? It’s too late now he already owns it, I was hoping it was just a passing phase.

OP posts:
Azaeleasinbloom · 02/08/2023 07:25

I am possibly not the best person to reply as I have 2 dogs. But we still manage to go out without them, often spontaneously, we don’t take them everywhere with us, never to restaurants, and we have had holidays without them.

But yes, they are a tie, and they are not cheap by any means.

But as the dog is here, if you want to continue with your relationship, perhaps just try to enjoy it when you can, without agreeing to take it on when it’s inconvenient for DP. That would be my biggest concern, that he expects you to somehow share responsibility…

Ginandpanic · 02/08/2023 07:29

You can still have nights out if you own a dog . You just make sure you’ve walked / fed them before hand.

i can’t see how one dog is going to stop you affording to move in together .

This all sounds a bit of a o recreation toon to me, you are clearly going to resent this poor dog, maybe you’re not right for each other?

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 07:35

Azaeleasinbloom

Not when they're puppies though. Older, settled more established dogs maybe but I know several dog owners and their dogs are, quite rightly, factored into every night out, every weekend away, every decision.

No more spontaneous nights out on our child free time. Money will be tighter for him. No movement towards buying a house together. Factoring in kennels or dog sitting to holidays or staying in the U.K. Broken sleep, early mornings, rain soaked winter walks. Our social life together will now be centred around dog related activities. It’s not always summer

I suspect, not having been responsible for a dog before, that he hasn't even considered any of this properly.

I wouldn't be happy in your shoes either (understatement!) I like dogs but it's the long term commitment to them that means I've never had them.

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 07:36

if you want to continue with your relationship, perhaps just try to enjoy it when you can, without agreeing to take it on when it’s inconvenient for DP. That would be my biggest concern, that he expects you to somehow share responsibility…

That would be my concern too.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 07:36

I have dogs, and I adore them, but you're right op. He has got himself a time and money 15 odd year commitment.

You can have nights out, and holiday abroad, also have dog free days out, but it will all be dependent on your DP wanting to go out or on holiday without the dog.

Who's house do your normally stay at on weekends etc? Are you happy to have a dog in your house? Has he even asked this question? Unfortunately, spur of the moment decisions to get a dog is part of the reason why rescue centres are bursting with unwanted 2/3 year old dogs

user1477391263 · 02/08/2023 07:36

If there has been talk of moving in together and marriage…. I’d feel cheesed off at the decision to get a dog without any warning. I’d hate to have a dog in my home, and they are a real tie. And they live for about 12 years.

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 07:37

Unfortunately, spur of the moment decisions to get a dog is part of the reason why rescue centres are bursting with unwanted 2/3 year old dogs

Yep.

And often poorly trained ones too.

user1477391263 · 02/08/2023 07:39

Also, if I was in a serious relationship with someone, I’d see them as someone to discuss thoughts and ideas with, even if it didn’t directly affect them. It’s odd that he didn’t discuss the idea with you, if only to see what your opinions were, if he sees you as a serious relationship. That and the fact that he got the dog “for his kids” (seriously, this is a terrible idea) suggests an impulse purchase. Why do people do this?

Ragwort · 02/08/2023 07:40

You can only control your own reaction to the situation... he's obviously not going to give up the dog ... so you decide, if you want to go the theatre/out to dinner/weekend away and he won't leave the dog then you just go on your own or find a like minded friend. Don't allow him to bring the dog to your home if you are not comfortably with it being there ... ultimately it might mean the break up of your relationship - but you must take control of the situation you are now in ... not somehow let the dog (& this man) rule your life because you don't want to 'upset the dog' (or him).

Original poster
Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:44

When I owned a dog in the past our lives did revolve around the dogs needs, as it ought to. It was less spontaneous and needed more planning. That’s fine but what if he doesn’t want to leave the dog? I have no idea.

It will take a long time to settle and raise a puppy so I’m aware in the future things may be more relaxed but I’ve just been signed up for the near future of watching him raise a puppy. The dog is welcome at my house but I’ve no idea if it will settle (some don’t) so we will be mostly at his house for the foreseeable.

I don’t know how he will fare with training a dog this is my biggest niggle. I might not agree with some of the decisions he makes but I can’t get involved it’s not my dog.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 07:44

Ragwort · 02/08/2023 07:40

You can only control your own reaction to the situation... he's obviously not going to give up the dog ... so you decide, if you want to go the theatre/out to dinner/weekend away and he won't leave the dog then you just go on your own or find a like minded friend. Don't allow him to bring the dog to your home if you are not comfortably with it being there ... ultimately it might mean the break up of your relationship - but you must take control of the situation you are now in ... not somehow let the dog (& this man) rule your life because you don't want to 'upset the dog' (or him).

Definitely this.

Newfluff · 02/08/2023 07:46

You can have nights out, and holiday abroad, also have dog free days out, but it will all be dependent on your DP wanting to go out or on holiday without the dog.

Not easily, you can't just stay out late, or have whole days out. You can't have decent lie ins. You need dog sitters or kennels, where I am they are £20 per night, and that's if you can find a space.

If you go UK you can't leave the dog in the cottage as most stipulate you can't leave them alone.

I have dogs but I agree with OP.

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 07:49

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:44

When I owned a dog in the past our lives did revolve around the dogs needs, as it ought to. It was less spontaneous and needed more planning. That’s fine but what if he doesn’t want to leave the dog? I have no idea.

It will take a long time to settle and raise a puppy so I’m aware in the future things may be more relaxed but I’ve just been signed up for the near future of watching him raise a puppy. The dog is welcome at my house but I’ve no idea if it will settle (some don’t) so we will be mostly at his house for the foreseeable.

I don’t know how he will fare with training a dog this is my biggest niggle. I might not agree with some of the decisions he makes but I can’t get involved it’s not my dog.

These would be my concerns too. The fact he bought it for the kids and got a puppy without having experience of owning a dog himself as an adult and did allmof that without ecen discussing it with you first would concern me that this is an impulse purchase he hasn't thought through properly at all.

Hiddenvoice · 02/08/2023 07:50

Maybe not the best person to reply as I have a dog but I’ve found that I’m still able to go on nights out, money hasn’t been that much tighter as I have affordable insurance etc and bulk buy her food. I am still able to go abroad and have family members who happily care for my dog.

As you say, this is his decision and something he wants to do for his children. I think you just try to be happy for him and let him explore it all on his own. Maybe he wants the kids around more to help settle the dog. If the children stay elsewhere during the week then maybe he’s found his house quiet and lonely. Let him try it all, if he begins to moan about anything then just listen to him and support him.
I would be upset that he hasn’t brought it up and asked your opinion. If you don’t feel comfortable with the dog coming to your house then that’s fair enough and something you will need to say to him. Holidays may now be dependent on if he wants to go abroad or stay local with the dog. If this is how it all works out and it doesn’t suit you then tell him!

Original poster
Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:54

@GreyCarpet I have tried to be kind to him and gently question his motives. He says he’s aware the kids aren’t going to be much practical help but I asked if he had considered they are going to be a hinderance. He also needs to retrain his kids to live with a dog. Not leaving food and puppy choking hazards out across the floors (not all dogs chew, some do). Not treating the dog like a teddy bear toy. He hadn’t even considered why a crate can be good for a dog as a safe space, I had to tell him he must have a dog safe space like a crate, so the dog has an option to escape the kids and the kids must never go into the dogs space.

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 02/08/2023 07:58

My instinct was to agree with Ragwort - don't change your life because of his decision, make sure any inconvenience is on him.

BUT - I can also see that when realises how hard it is and if he is committed to your relationship and realises it's having an impact on the time he can spend with you he may then end up giving up the dog.

I'm not sure I could live with that either.

Rock and a hard place!

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2023 08:00

I’m not sure what advice to offer op but I do know that I would feel exactly the same as you.

I also agree with the pp who said that this trend to get a dog without thinking it through or understanding the consequences is a big problem now.

Original poster
Parvanati · 02/08/2023 08:07

The dog is welcome at my house. I love dogs. I don’t know if the dog will get jealous, there are lots of unknowns. I won’t be around the dog as much as he is so I am a peripheral person who has to build my own relationship with someone else’s dog. When I visit friends with dogs I am always a visitor in the dogs house. My now departed dog bonded with DP beautifully so I can only hope I bond with this dog too. I don’t know how comfortable DP will be with my boundaries or how much input I will have. You know even things like does the dog sleep on furniture? In the bed? Will it house train well? This is mostly down to DP so I need to have faith and trust in him and his decisions.

This has exposed that perhaps I am slightly envious and also I do not agree with his motivations for getting a dog. I don’t want to get resentful of the dog taking up our child free time but also don’t want to feel like we have morphed into an old couple in our 60’s quite yet.

OP posts:
muchalover · 02/08/2023 08:08

Just recently had two puppies consecutively and am puppied out. They are really hard work (Had dogs most of my life but with very large gaps recently, and worked professionally with them years ago).

I highly recommend puppy classes (dog training has changed immensely). He won't know what type of personality his pup has yet and that makes a massive difference.

I do think, as others have said, it reflects on his level of commitment to you that he did not discuss this with you or seem to consider the impact on your relationship. Owning a dog is like having a 4 y/o child forever (once they are mature). Much like having a baby exposes fissures in a relationship so does a puppy.

Aaarghthepancakes · 02/08/2023 08:10

We have a dog who we utterly adore but they, as you acknowledge, are a complete tie. Holiday kennels/farms are booked months in advance (at a not inconsiderable cost), days out similarly. It's been a very steep learning curve. The dog is factored into everything we do. I knew he would be, but the reality still hit hard. Does your DP understand this?

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2023 08:14

Oi @Parvanati people in their 60s aren’t old (or boring giddy duddies as you imply). In our late 50s and 60s and off to a music festival this weekend. Which would incidentally be impossible with a dog.

Original poster
Parvanati · 02/08/2023 08:18

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2023 08:14

Oi @Parvanati people in their 60s aren’t old (or boring giddy duddies as you imply). In our late 50s and 60s and off to a music festival this weekend. Which would incidentally be impossible with a dog.

Yes I know, that’s what my vision is for when I am that age so you are def not what I am talking about 🤣
I just feel like we are going to be like his parents now. Owning pairs of special dog walking shoes, fleeces and knowing all the nice dog friendly cafes within a 20 mile radius. 🙈

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 02/08/2023 08:33

How old are his kids? Does he wfh? I hope he's not bought a tiny pup with the intention of leaving it for hours if he goes out to work.

Anyway as you say not a lot you can do now the puppy is here and to repeatedly highlight the negatives will soon get old. So decide to either embrace the situation and take an active interest in its upbringing, or step back.

You said you might have wanted to do this together in the future - well look at it as gaining an older, calmer dog as a pet when you move in together rather than starting off with a puppy? Discuss it with him - if you want a say in how your, hopefully future dog together, is raised and trained, then ask if you can be involved.

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 08:41

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:54

@GreyCarpet I have tried to be kind to him and gently question his motives. He says he’s aware the kids aren’t going to be much practical help but I asked if he had considered they are going to be a hinderance. He also needs to retrain his kids to live with a dog. Not leaving food and puppy choking hazards out across the floors (not all dogs chew, some do). Not treating the dog like a teddy bear toy. He hadn’t even considered why a crate can be good for a dog as a safe space, I had to tell him he must have a dog safe space like a crate, so the dog has an option to escape the kids and the kids must never go into the dogs space.

Oh dear. It sounds like he hasn't thought it through at all and is actually a bit clueless about the whole thing.

Missingmyusername · 02/08/2023 08:42

Never having owned a dog he has no idea. He’s in the mind set nothing will change and he will walk the dog, feed the dog and go out. It’s not that easy. A dog is a tie. You have to get back. Well, you know this you’ve had dogs.

It will affect your life, it will affect him
and his kids more. He has the dog now, either things will work out or yet another dog will end up in rescue at the age of 2/3. 🙄

Is their family? DM has my dog when we go away- she loves having him but he’s absolutely impeccably behaved as he’s older. We have some leeway as DM will have DDog short notice. If we are going out for a long day- she will also have him and I’ll pick him up after or he will spend the night.

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