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Relationships

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Original poster

DP got a dog

118 replies

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:19

NC for this, will try keep it short.

DP of multiple years, living in our own homes. Kids of our own, none together and no plans to have more. Plans to move in one day and talked of marriage. He says he can see himself growing old with me.

I like, and have owned dogs in the past but I’ve been clear of my opinion they are a big responsibility, expensive, a tie and perhaps a good option when we are older, work less hours and have more time and money. Something we could do together. DP’s parents had dogs he’s never owned one by himself so he has never had sole responsibility for a dog or raised a puppy.

He has made a sudden decision to get a dog for his kids in the last few weeks and has bought a tiny puppy.

It’s his time, money and house so I have no say in his decision and although he’s kept me up to date he hasn’t talked to me about how this is going to impact our relationship.

I don’t want to piss on his chips, he is so excited and happy. I am not as excited as this is a huge 15 year commitment he is making to a dog.

No more spontaneous nights out on our child free time. Money will be tighter for him. No movement towards buying a house together. Factoring in kennels or dog sitting to holidays or staying in the U.K. Broken sleep, early mornings, rain soaked winter walks. Our social life together will now be centred around dog related activities. It’s not always summer. A dog I haven’t had any input in training or it’s upbringing. I am sure I will fall in love with the dog but it will always be DP’s dog.

Am I irrational and unreasonable to be feeling this way? How best to approach this? It’s too late now he already owns it, I was hoping it was just a passing phase.

OP posts:

Persipan · 02/08/2023 08:47

I feel like the thing you're reacting to here is that this is actually less of a partnership than you might have wished or hoped. Like you're not on quite the same page in terms of how the future might look for you and how much considering that future gets taken into account in your individual decisions now.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 08:48

It sounds like he doesn’t know anything. Not considering crate training is concerning. You’re right to be worried. He sounds like an impulsive dolt.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 02/08/2023 08:59

I wouldn't be impressed with him spontaneously buying a dog. Doesn't seem like he's given the details any thought, and importantly imo did he research the breeder, parents etc to make sure he wasn't buying a puppy farmed dog?

I agree that dogs are a massive tie and have to be factored in to every decision and plan.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 02/08/2023 09:02

Why were his reasons? Seems like living together isn't really in his thinking making a commitment to a ddog without discussion.

SarahAndQuack · 02/08/2023 09:06

I would feel the same as you. FWIW, my SIL's partner (who does live with her, though they moved in fairly recently) insisted on getting a dog, having never trained one from a puppy or owned one as an adult. Predictably, he had no clue; SIL and MIL ended up doing an awful lot of looking after the puppy when he was working, and they are now tied into the cycle of doing things around the puppy. .

IMO the only thing you can sensibly do now is to say, gently, that for the sake of the puppy and any children in contact with the puppy, he needs to go and read up on how to look after a puppy. And he needs to make sure the dog gets some training. It can't keep on being a situation where you swoop in and anticipate his mistakes/rescue him, or he'll have one very unhappy dog.

Original poster

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 09:13

My children have their own rooms and I’m not prepared to make them share just so we can move in together. Due to ages and genders we would need a larger house which we can’t afford.

He is afraid of full commitment I believe, yes. I know he does love me. I don’t blame him for wanting independence or enjoying it, I also like my own with my children.

He has wanted a dog for the kids since he got divorced so it’s not a new idea, it’s just that he bought the 2nd dog he saw after he decided to 100% go through with it quite recently.

I’ve asked him if we can have an open discussion about how it’s is going to work in practical terms, where I fit into the scenario. I would not expect him to give up the dog I just have no idea what my role is here. I can go from there depending on his answer. What if I don’t agree with something? Does he want my advice? Has he thought about how this will impact our relationship? Yes he does have very involved family who would help him with the dog (overbearingly so).

OP posts:

cheezncrackers · 02/08/2023 09:14

YANBU. This would be a deal breaker for me and it suggests that he doesn't see you as an intrinsic part of his life or someone he needs to consider when making big decisions.

moose62 · 02/08/2023 09:15

It is lovely having a dog and you obviously know what you are doing but don't fall into the trap if being asked to watch the puppy as he has to pop out etc...before you know it, you will be factored into the care routine.
My DH and DS got an on-the-spur of the moment dog, promising that they would do everything. She is now 11, I love her dearly, but I now do 75% of all the work for her as I have a bigger conscious than they do!

Caaarrrl · 02/08/2023 09:20

I would worry about where he got the dog from, as it seems to have happened quite quickly. There is usually a waiting list for puppies from decent breeders. The puppy could have all sorts of health and behavioural issues if it is from an unscrupulous backyard breeder or even a puppy farm type.

Original poster

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 09:20

He wouldn’t expect me to look after the dog for him, just the dog will be present all the time. His parents will pick up all the slack with the dog as they do with the kids. I am never the default option as we do not live together and I am at work. I am a long term part time girlfriend I think it’s clear we are not partners.

OP posts:

fireflyloo · 02/08/2023 09:21

I'm a dog lover but I think your dp has overlooked you in this decision. My dog is prioritised and does impact how long we stay out of the house and the length we go on a non doggy holiday.

Seaoftroubles · 02/08/2023 09:21

Selfish and thoughtless decision OP. He has not thought this through, or considered its impact on your relationship.
I would be looking at him very differently now as he didn't even think to discuss this with you.There are so many people getting puppies these days without proper thought or planning, which is why when the novelty wears off animal rescues are full of discarded dogs. Getting a puppy for the kids is just daft as the kids won't be responsible for it, he will be and that will certainly change his life and his availability.

Sarvanga38 · 02/08/2023 09:21

Dog lover here, so obviously I think it will enrich your lives to overcome the drawbacks 😂- but fundamentally it's not about that at all anyway is it, as you know - it's about the fact that he's made a life-changing decision without taking you in to account. Dog aside, that needs discussion to see what page you are both on and whether he was just being thoughtless, or whether it means anything different.

SoundTheSirens · 02/08/2023 09:30

I think it’s precisely because he hasn’t thought through what a huge life-changing commitment a dog - especially a puppy is - that he hasn’t discussed it with you, OP. I think he’s probably mentally bracketed it as a similar activity to buying his children a new bed or a new toy rather than as a massive commitment that’s going to impact every part of his life including his relationship with you.

Original poster

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 09:34

Ok well I have a semi answer:

he has not really thought about it

🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 09:35

I’m thinking he might tell me I am ‘over thinking’ it all
he wants me to just go with the flow!

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 09:36

SoundTheSirens · 02/08/2023 09:30

I think this is exactly it.

He's given it no more thought than he would to buying them a hamster.

Frequency · 02/08/2023 09:36

What type of dog, OP? We have 2 currently and are about to set off to collect a third. I don't find they affect my life very much. My elderly dog did once he got older and needed more care and attention but my young dogs don't.

DD will not leave her small breed at all. She won't allow it to be kennels and she's never trained it to accept being on it's own but I actually find her easier to deal with. She comes to most places with us. Even relatives who do not like dogs let her in their house. She's a Chi and people don't really seem to class her as a dog. Plenty of pubs and "days out places" allow well-behaved dogs and her being so small means we can settle her in her bag and pop her under a bench or table if we need a break/to eat while out.

My large breed was gradually left as a puppy so he got used to being alone. He's fairly happy being on his own for 4 hours or longer, but generally, my parent's or a friend will call in and feed him and let him into the garden if I'm out longer than that during the day.

We have a dog cam to check on him and can speak to him. We normally leave him with a raw meaty bone and find he's happy chewing on that for the most part and will occasionally get up for a wander/play with his toys. I find him less of a hindrance for nights out. He sleeps after his evening walk until morning so I am happier to leave him a bit longer on an evening. Dog cam shows he still just sleeps when he's left on an evening.

I think if they're properly trained and cared for they don't have as much impact as people think they will.

Missingmyusername · 02/08/2023 09:37

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 09:34

Ok well I have a semi answer:

he has not really thought about it

🤦‍♀️

“I’ve asked him if we can have an open discussion about how it’s is going to work in practical terms, where I fit into the scenario.”

He will wonder what you mean. He has no idea does he.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/08/2023 09:37

I think I'd quite like this as you get the benefits of having time with a puppy/dog but none of the responsibility or cost!

Sounds perfect to me.

Jobalob · 02/08/2023 09:39

I think you're being a bit over the top and you haven't said what kind of dog it is.

I appreciate that this might be the case with larger dogs but our dog really doesn't mean that our lives have changed massively. He's small so food isn't expensive, his insurance is about £120 a year and whilst I have to pay for his annual vaccs etc they're not wallet busting. He's fine to be left for about 4 hours at a time if he has a walk and he needs one 45 minute walk a day but given he refuses to get foot in the rain he'll also be happy without one on occasion. I have a dog sitter one day a week for £25 so plan full days out around this and he's fine for an evening out if he's left at home. I have a cleaner one day a week so he's fine for me to be out as he can be with her for half a day and then on his own for a few hours after that. Because he's small he can come out with us to a lot of places and we'll often take him to a pub or to a friends house or out with us for the day as he's happy on his lead and doesn't take up too much space.

There are so many factors but it's far from a massive bind dependent on the dog and he has been like this since being a puppy.

DMLady · 02/08/2023 09:41

OP, I can see why this would worry you. My feeling, from some of your updates, is that he simply doesn’t see it as the big decision (with major and long-term implications) you know it is. It’s not that he’s not thought of you in all of this; it’s that he’s not given it much thought at all. But you know whether that’s likely to be the case — and if it is, that also raises questions of course…

Original poster

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 09:43

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/08/2023 09:37

I think I'd quite like this as you get the benefits of having time with a puppy/dog but none of the responsibility or cost!

Sounds perfect to me.

I am trying to see it this way!

@Missingmyusername I think he thought I would just love the dog and that would be enough. I asked him how much input he wants from me, what are his boundaries. It’s his dog, what kind of support does he want

OP posts:

Original poster

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 09:45

@Jobalob it’s a mixed breed from someone we don’t know, just a local breeder. It looks like a popular mixed breed. I know they can have issues with being bouncy…

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2023 09:49

He’s not treating you like a partner. Or not the sort of partner you thought you were to each other. Dog aside, that’s not going to feel good.

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