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Original poster

DP got a dog

118 replies

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:19

NC for this, will try keep it short.

DP of multiple years, living in our own homes. Kids of our own, none together and no plans to have more. Plans to move in one day and talked of marriage. He says he can see himself growing old with me.

I like, and have owned dogs in the past but I’ve been clear of my opinion they are a big responsibility, expensive, a tie and perhaps a good option when we are older, work less hours and have more time and money. Something we could do together. DP’s parents had dogs he’s never owned one by himself so he has never had sole responsibility for a dog or raised a puppy.

He has made a sudden decision to get a dog for his kids in the last few weeks and has bought a tiny puppy.

It’s his time, money and house so I have no say in his decision and although he’s kept me up to date he hasn’t talked to me about how this is going to impact our relationship.

I don’t want to piss on his chips, he is so excited and happy. I am not as excited as this is a huge 15 year commitment he is making to a dog.

No more spontaneous nights out on our child free time. Money will be tighter for him. No movement towards buying a house together. Factoring in kennels or dog sitting to holidays or staying in the U.K. Broken sleep, early mornings, rain soaked winter walks. Our social life together will now be centred around dog related activities. It’s not always summer. A dog I haven’t had any input in training or it’s upbringing. I am sure I will fall in love with the dog but it will always be DP’s dog.

Am I irrational and unreasonable to be feeling this way? How best to approach this? It’s too late now he already owns it, I was hoping it was just a passing phase.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 02/08/2023 16:29

Has he picked up the dog yet? If so send a message and say you’ve bought a little toy and can’t wait to meet the puppy.
Yeah it’s been rubbish that he decided to do this without you but it’s great you’ve realised that you’re maybe being a little negative. You can turn it around and be excited for him and the children. Maybe this could turn into days out with you and your children together.

Notamum12345577 · 02/08/2023 16:33

Parvanati · 02/08/2023 07:19

NC for this, will try keep it short.

DP of multiple years, living in our own homes. Kids of our own, none together and no plans to have more. Plans to move in one day and talked of marriage. He says he can see himself growing old with me.

I like, and have owned dogs in the past but I’ve been clear of my opinion they are a big responsibility, expensive, a tie and perhaps a good option when we are older, work less hours and have more time and money. Something we could do together. DP’s parents had dogs he’s never owned one by himself so he has never had sole responsibility for a dog or raised a puppy.

He has made a sudden decision to get a dog for his kids in the last few weeks and has bought a tiny puppy.

It’s his time, money and house so I have no say in his decision and although he’s kept me up to date he hasn’t talked to me about how this is going to impact our relationship.

I don’t want to piss on his chips, he is so excited and happy. I am not as excited as this is a huge 15 year commitment he is making to a dog.

No more spontaneous nights out on our child free time. Money will be tighter for him. No movement towards buying a house together. Factoring in kennels or dog sitting to holidays or staying in the U.K. Broken sleep, early mornings, rain soaked winter walks. Our social life together will now be centred around dog related activities. It’s not always summer. A dog I haven’t had any input in training or it’s upbringing. I am sure I will fall in love with the dog but it will always be DP’s dog.

Am I irrational and unreasonable to be feeling this way? How best to approach this? It’s too late now he already owns it, I was hoping it was just a passing phase.

Why no spontaneous nights out? You can still do that. Yes staying overnight someone last minute wouldn’t be possible, but you can still go out!

Original poster
Parvanati · 02/08/2023 17:05

I don’t really have many options apart from to just get on with it or break up over it. I’m excited for him and kids I am just not excited for myself. I will have to fake it till I make it. It’s so hard doing everything from the sidelines. I have no input into anything I just go along with what is happening. Yes days out is what we always just tag along to. We don’t have much of a normal every day life together. Before dog we had child free time together now he has a baby dog.

It’s a tiny puppy, we won’t be going anywhere for a while.

I do not know how spontaneous he will want to be anymore. The point is we never discussed this before the dog came.

It’s not the dog anyway, it’s what the dog represents that I feel an outsider to his life. This is a whole other depressing reality.

OP posts:
nalabae · 02/08/2023 17:31

Op you're too moany it's not that deep..I'm alone and manage a cat and dog. I go out regularly

Frequency · 02/08/2023 17:59

The more you post, the more I'm agreeing with your DP. You are overthinking this.

If your relationship was healthy and happy pre-dog I don't see why this means he has suddenly decided you are not important. He's just excited about his dog.

Re: days out with a tiny puppy, we took our chi on holiday with us a week after we collected her. We just made sure to bring her bag and that we had plenty of food, fresh water, wipes, and puppy pads with us when we went out. It was great for her socialization and her comfy bag meant she could sleep when she got tired.

Your life does not have to change as much as you think it does. Puppies are adaptable and provided you give the correct care and consider their welfare needs they will, for the most part, fit in with your lifestyle.

Original poster
Parvanati · 02/08/2023 18:08

@Frequency its not really about the dog

OP posts:
Tootyfilou · 02/08/2023 18:15

Bloody hell OP , you sound a right misery. People do manage to have social lives and dogs.

INeedAnotherName · 02/08/2023 18:28

They do indeed but it has made OP question her importance in his life and sadly she is not liking the answer. I'm sorry OP, maybe see how your relationship is in a few weeks but right now step back until he and the kids have had their excitement time. Don't ask questions, don't offer advice. Just observe.

Seaoftroubles · 02/08/2023 18:38

OP, you are not being a misery and you are right to feel sidelined and overlooked in his decision.
Considering the future plans you mentioned it seems only fair that you should have at least had some input. He made a big decision without involving you or thinking about how it will affect your time together. And l say this as a responsible dog lover and owner. You can't leave a little puppy at home for hours whilst you go out and about together and the pup can't go anywhere (unless carried) until its had its inoculations.
Then there's the training and working around the dog when you see each other. Having a dog is quite rightly a big commitment, and it will impact on your time together and your previous freedom to go out to places where dogs aren't permitted.

NewUserName2023 · 02/08/2023 19:05

It's not really about the dog, more about your position in his life. Are you a girlfriend, or a partner with a future together who ought to be involved in any major decision beforehand. I hope you can talk and work it out.

RichardsGear · 02/08/2023 21:24

You can't really know you have a future together until you actually live together, and that seems a way off. You sound quite temperamentally different and these differences may drive you both potty when you actually live together and have to put up with each other's foibles.

I think the whole: 'I need to find out his experiences of me having a dog when he didn't,' illustrates this. What is there to say?! You had a dog and he presumably liked it well enough. It's not that deep and I suspect your bf will see it the that way too. Ultimately he's a grown man and can decide for himself if he wants a pet in his own house.

As I said in my first post, any perceived negativity will soon get old.

ActDottie · 02/08/2023 21:35

You’re being very dramatic! We have two dogs and definitely aren’t as tied down as you make out.

sodthesodoff · 02/08/2023 21:39

To be honest I had to reread how long you'd been together.

Multiple years. And he didn't even involve you In the discussion for something that will be around for the next 15 years.

It's not about the dog. It's about showing where you are in his priorities. You're supposed to be moving in together. How can you plan with someone who blatantly doesn't involve you in his future?

ElfieLea · 02/08/2023 22:02

You could of waited a few days before bringing it up but I'd feel exactly the same as you. Also I'd say wether or not the dog sleeps in the bed is 100% something you should have a say in. If he overrides you on that one it will tell you everything you need to know about the relationship.

Fourfurrymonsters · 02/08/2023 22:11

SoundTheSirens · 02/08/2023 09:30

I think it’s precisely because he hasn’t thought through what a huge life-changing commitment a dog - especially a puppy is - that he hasn’t discussed it with you, OP. I think he’s probably mentally bracketed it as a similar activity to buying his children a new bed or a new toy rather than as a massive commitment that’s going to impact every part of his life including his relationship with you.

Unfortunately that was my first thought too. Which is why rescue centres are bursting at the seams because idiots don’t, or refuse to, understand that buying a dog is not like buying a new pair of shoes or a washing machine.
OP, I’m not sure what advice to give you but you seem to have thought this through a hell of a lot more than your “DP”. I’ve been owned by dogs for 45 years and currently have 4 big elderly retrievers. Everything, and I do mean everything, revolves around them. I love them beyond measure but once they cross the Bridge, DH and I will be dog-free for a while at least. I could never go back to having a puppy again - rescue all the way now for us - so good luck to your DP with that. Puppies are harder work than small kids!

SlimSchadee · 02/08/2023 22:16

OP, this really isn't about the dog and I think you know it. And from the questions you are asking him, he's soon going to see that you're really negative (realistic or not), and raining on his (and his kids') parade.

Original poster
Parvanati · 03/08/2023 00:21

update is we have talked and yes, agree it’s not really about the dog but I realised that way back in the thread 😂

I don’t want to rain on his parade and aware I may have been. I’m not mean. He was pretty pissed off about it all but he heard me out and gets where my head was/is. He is pig headed at times and unintentionally sidelines me without meaning to hurt my feelings, more that he’s thinking Parvanati has enough to deal with already and trots off to mum and dads when I have already offered to help him out. by always turning me down or not involving me it just makes me feel pushed out and even further away from a future partnership. We had a whole chat about the future too and cleared up that we are both on the same page for that (one day).

I know he wants to do this and said I will support him but not including me at all even with basic info it is not filling me with confidence that we are moving forward at any pace or has the potential to. I’m going to trust that he is making decisions he thinks best and it’s not my place to get over involved. He kept bringing up I had a pet and the whole experience of it and it’s something he’s always wanted so I’ve heard him out on it as well. He didn’t seem to see any of my points about it being a big change cos we are quite different in our outlooks and he is a go with the flow type. He didn’t see any difference between me having a pet and him having one. When I had a dog he got to enjoy all the good bits of it, so that’s my choice now to enjoy it or not. It’s not something I want to break up over right now but time will tell if this will come together or not. don’t buy a new hat yet 👀

OP posts:
Doone21 · 03/08/2023 07:36

Totally understandable. It's like he just decided to get a baby and now youre dating a man with additional baggage. It's his life though and his house. I have to say maybe you aren't as compatible as you thought .??
would you start dating him now as a new partner? Would a dog put you off? If yes and no are the respective answers then keep your mouth shut because the annoyance you feel will pass.

Pineapples198 · 03/08/2023 09:02

YABU.
You don’t live together, so you don’t really have any say. I’m not sure why him having a dog means you can’t go out? Of course you can. Once the dog is past the puppy stage you can go out and leave the dog in the house. The hassle of sorting care for the dog when you’re on holiday etc is totally his so again won’t affect you. Are you perhaps slightly envious that he got the dog now when it was something you had planned for the two of you to do in 15 years time when the kids were all grown up? If you don’t want to have any involvement you don’t need to. But if you like dogs you might enjoy getting involved and enjoy the benefits of having a dog around without the cost and care implications to yourself

Pineapples198 · 03/08/2023 09:08

To add - have just seen a response where you say it isn’t really about the dog and you feel like an outsider in his life. Is this is the case you have much bigger problems with the dog. If you feel like an outsider how can you be planning to live together and grow old together? What makes you feel that way? Do you feel like you are missing out because you live separately and they are all together? Have a chat with your partner once the puppy excitement dies down and explain how you feel, if he loves you he wouldn’t want you to feel this way. If you are considering breaking up I’d suggest there is issues going on way before the puppy arrived.

Seaoftroubles · 03/08/2023 09:39

OP, some posters are just failing to understand what you expressed early on; That's its not just about the dog, but that your long term partner has made a lifestyle decision that affects you without actually discussing it with you. It's not rocket science that you feel sidelined.
There's no comparison between you already having a dog when you met him and him choosing to get one now. And to be honest he's pretty obtuse if he can't recognise that either! Nor is it, l'm sure, about you resenting that you didn't get to choose the dog together! It's the thoughtlessness and the fact it impacts on both your lives because, whatever anyone says, you have to work round a dog if you are leaving the house for work or for the whole day or longer.
I would enjoy the puppy when you see it, and give advice if asked but leave him get on with his own puppy care arrangements.
He will soon learn how much commitment is involved when you get a puppy, to start with it's like having a new baby!

Duckingella · 03/08/2023 09:40

Does he work full time?

Who'd be looking after said puppy if he does?;the rescue I got my dog from as a puppy pulled the plug on the couple who were going to adopt him as they'd lied on their application after someone being home most of the time as they both worked full time.

greyhairnomore · 03/08/2023 10:16

cheezncrackers · 02/08/2023 09:14

YANBU. This would be a deal breaker for me and it suggests that he doesn't see you as an intrinsic part of his life or someone he needs to consider when making big decisions.

Same. I'd have to end the relationship.

greyhairnomore · 03/08/2023 10:26

@Parvanati you're not being a dick. Him having a dog will change your relationship.
We're you planning anything together in the summer ? Days out or a holiday?

randomusername03 · 03/08/2023 10:40

From what you've said op, this hasn't been a sudden decision that everyone keeps saying it is. You said he has been thinking about getting a dog since he divorced for his kids and you have been 'together' for multiple years. So he's been thinking about a dog for years. So what if he hasn't had a dog since he was a child, everyone has to start somewhere. I think you are over the top with your reaction. Plenty families have dogs and manage to work, go places, holiday. I think you are catastrophising.