DP got a dog

[Parvanati]

NC for this, will try keep it short.

DP of multiple years, living in our own homes. Kids of our own, none together and no plans to have more. Plans to move in one day and talked of marriage. He says he can see himself growing old with me.

I like, and have owned dogs in the past but I’ve been clear of my opinion they are a big responsibility, expensive, a tie and perhaps a good option when we are older, work less hours and have more time and money. Something we could do together. DP’s parents had dogs he’s never owned one by himself so he has never had sole responsibility for a dog or raised a puppy.

He has made a sudden decision to get a dog for his kids in the last few weeks and has bought a tiny puppy.

It’s his time, money and house so I have no say in his decision and although he’s kept me up to date he hasn’t talked to me about how this is going to impact our relationship.

I don’t want to piss on his chips, he is so excited and happy. I am not as excited as this is a huge 15 year commitment he is making to a dog.

No more spontaneous nights out on our child free time. Money will be tighter for him. No movement towards buying a house together. Factoring in kennels or dog sitting to holidays or staying in the U.K. Broken sleep, early mornings, rain soaked winter walks. Our social life together will now be centred around dog related activities. It’s not always summer. A dog I haven’t had any input in training or it’s upbringing. I am sure I will fall in love with the dog but it will always be DP’s dog.

Am I irrational and unreasonable to be feeling this way? How best to approach this? It’s too late now he already owns it, I was hoping it was just a passing phase.

I have a dog and love him to pieces but he has to be considered in everything I want or need to do, which is as it should be I'm not in a relationship
He seems to have got the dog " for his kids".. bad idea
It will change your relationship as dog will need to be factored into every plan if you do things as a couple.
You can leave dog at home for a few hours, but not a puppy
I'm surprised he didn't even ask your opinion. It's a big issue
YANBU

What jumps out at me is that you’ve been together for years and talked of marriage, but he doesn’t seem to have asked you if a dog is ok with you, discussed with you what breeds are better than others and what your preference is, taken you with him to view puppies, etc. You seem very separate still for a couple considering marriage. That would be my hurt around this, but perhaps you are ok with very separate lives, I don’t know.

Men aren’t the most sensitive creatures, perhaps he simply hasn’t thought about the future. 🤷‍♀️ Or perhaps this is the kind of dog that only lives 6 years and he sees marriage and cohabitation being after that, I dunno.

I’m not sure there is much you can do now but if you guys are right for each other then it’s weird to me that you weren’t involved in this decision and won’t be involved in the dog’s training etc.

I love dogs, & have 2, however what would upset me is that he has unilaterally decided the dog is happening, (now here,) & how it will impact you & your relationship.
Basically he is saying, "I'm doing what I like, if you dont like it & it impacts on our relationship, future & plans, tough shit."

I would not have the dog in my house if he doesnt crate train, lets it on the carpet/sofa/beds....

I had a dog when i met DP.
She claimed him as he is now early retired & with her majority of time.
She's nearly 14 now & as much as we love her she is a bind & socially limiting.
We try not leave her more than 4 hours at a time but can only do spontaneous nights away if one of the adult kids who live with us are there shift dependent.

I would not want to be without her but we are looking forward to freedom once she's not here.
Financially she costs £20 for food & £25 insurance each month. Not a fortune.
Emotionally you get attached so will grieve when she's gone.
Pros & cons.

DP has the dog anyway, it’s a lovely friendly happy dog. It’s still a bit clingy to adults as it’s so little but not overly anxious.

I have helped him out but he’s learning the hard way by himself. I got him to show the DC lots of YouTube videos about respecting dogs and puppies as they do think it’s a toy. They were most put out you can’t drag a dog around and that dogs don’t want to be picked up every 2 seconds. They want to put bows and dresses on it, they also try to force it to play and they expect to be able to hold onto a small puppy in the back of a moving car and take turns it being on their lap. I told DP I wasn’t happy to be present during any unsafe practices with the dog like that to make the DC happy - owning the dog in the first place is a big thing and they need to appreciate it’s a living animal. One of the DC is learning really quickly. The other one not so much. It’s not a biter luckily!

We can’t go out and our nights together are spent with one person lying on the floor next to a crate in the dark getting a puppy to sleep multiple times a night and cleaning up wee, or I go home to my own house alone. This won’t last forever, I’m aware. I just didn’t sign up for it!

I am kind of LOL that DP this week has finally realised what he has let himself in for! We can’t go out. The dog is clingy and can’t be left alone at all. Dog doesn’t sleep well. We aren’t getting any time alone. All our time is spent indoors puppy sitting, training or dealing with puppy issues and having our hands bitten. Dog also has ruined carpets at both our houses. I think we’ve had sex twice in a number of weeks!

I’ve made no fuss about this but DP started to panic about the situation and trying to arrange dog sitting so we can go out as now he’s stressed about what he has asked me to sacrifice. We got a sitter for an hour recently but he was so tired it was not a barrel of laughs and the dog was a naughty little monkey the whole time. He’s finally realised how much commitment this is and confessed he thought it would take a few weeks to train a dog up and then be done with the hard work! WTF? I’m half PMSL half annoyed he never listened to what I told him in the first place.

I love this dog, I do, but it’s completely changed our lives just how I knew it would. I don’t even give a shit about being right I am just peeved that he had me down for being a negative whinger when I was trying to protect him/us from all this stress in the first place and get him to understand what decision he was making. He’s a fucking idiot

He's learned the hard way hasn't he? And now there's a poor dog in the mix. I would find it hard to respect someone like this, if I was you I would just concentrate on my own life, stay in my home and make sure I had a social life of my own without worrying about seeing him ....and certainly not allowing someone else's dog to ruin my carpets!

Maybe he is having second thoughts

good god that’s all annoying op. And being Absolutely Bloody Right isn’t even a consolation. It just makes it even more annoying somehow as it could all have been so easily avoided.

I think the writing is on the wall for your relationship

What a frustrating situation, OP!

Agree that the relationship may not survive this. Not so much because of the actual presence of the dog, but because you now understandably feel contempt towards him for his willful stupidity.

Total fucking idiot. I concur.

And poor dog.

He is at least being apologetic towards me, which is something. I’m not expecting him to grovel but at least he isn’t compounding it all by doubling down on his decision he’s got the grace to admit it’s harder than he imagined

I'm afraid it's one of those situations like having children- people think they know what they're letting themselves on for but don't really get it.

The 'doom whingers' turn out to be right!

I think you have to let this go as a bonding/learning experience. Offer advice when asked, help him by being observant of how things are going.

It's a long haul and actually will strengthen the relationship if you get through it!

Is he doing puppy classes with the dCs too? It helps.

Thing is, next phase is the destructive, chewing the skirting boards bit.

Mine ate a tv remote, a phone, a chair leg, skirting board and many pencils before we got through it. And that's with a crate...

No the puppy classes are the next thing he needs to realise he needs to pay out for! I’ve suggested it but can’t push it. He will work it out in his own time I.E. when he’s even more at his wits end

I am being supportive as in helpful, and not doom whinging every 5 mins but I am also laughing manically deep down inside

How are you feeling @Parvanati

I think I said way back when for me it wasn't about the dog. It was the fact he took on a decades long commitment without even considering you. Like you weren't part of his future.

How has the relationship been? Has this made you reevaluate anything or the plans to move in together?

Well he has needed me around, I am helpful so we ended up spending a lot of time together - it was giving first born/newborn baby days, back from the hospital, no sleep vibes 😆

I think his humility has helped, he isn’t an asshole, he’s a super optimistic person who thinks everything will just all be great. He still wants to move in one day he says but it’s not happening any time soon and although this has really pissed me off in many ways; I don’t think he wasn’t thinking of ME he just was being insanely optimistic and over excited without considering the consequences and not thinking about anyone involved, himself, DC, the dog. He thought it would all be sunshine and rainbows

@Parvanati haha he sounds a bit like an excitable puppy himself...!

Well I'm glad you're okay and I'm glad he has the decency to admit you were bloody right

Not sure I'm envious of the puppy days though...!