DP got a dog

[Parvanati]

NC for this, will try keep it short.

DP of multiple years, living in our own homes. Kids of our own, none together and no plans to have more. Plans to move in one day and talked of marriage. He says he can see himself growing old with me.

I like, and have owned dogs in the past but I’ve been clear of my opinion they are a big responsibility, expensive, a tie and perhaps a good option when we are older, work less hours and have more time and money. Something we could do together. DP’s parents had dogs he’s never owned one by himself so he has never had sole responsibility for a dog or raised a puppy.

He has made a sudden decision to get a dog for his kids in the last few weeks and has bought a tiny puppy.

It’s his time, money and house so I have no say in his decision and although he’s kept me up to date he hasn’t talked to me about how this is going to impact our relationship.

I don’t want to piss on his chips, he is so excited and happy. I am not as excited as this is a huge 15 year commitment he is making to a dog.

No more spontaneous nights out on our child free time. Money will be tighter for him. No movement towards buying a house together. Factoring in kennels or dog sitting to holidays or staying in the U.K. Broken sleep, early mornings, rain soaked winter walks. Our social life together will now be centred around dog related activities. It’s not always summer. A dog I haven’t had any input in training or it’s upbringing. I am sure I will fall in love with the dog but it will always be DP’s dog.

Am I irrational and unreasonable to be feeling this way? How best to approach this? It’s too late now he already owns it, I was hoping it was just a passing phase.

“A sudden decesion’ doesn’t bode well for the dog or family. They taking planning and research. Our pup is a year old now and I still don’t feel we’ve got to where we want with him in terms of training etc.

Yes, life does revolve around him and we have three adults in the house. We always make sure one of us is around so he’s not left in the house alone more than a few hours. It has curtailed nights out etc.

They can also be bites little monsters and not cute and cuddly. Puppy blues are a real thing.

Hmmm, it's a tough one.

I was your bf in this situation a few years ago although to be fair we had split up at that time. I had wanted a specific breed of dog for a long time and it just so happened I found a great breeder and went for it. when we got back together he made comments like did I think of the impact on him when I got to dog and no I didn't and why should I. It honestly did not impact our relationship at all. He had his place, I had mine and although he absolutely adored my dog she wasn't allowed round his house. Absolutely fine.

But.....and this is the big but.........I was never "in love" with him and didnt see my future with him and so maybe subconsciously this is why I wasn't bothered. Maybe if I had have looked at him as a lifetime partner I wouldn't have got her, or at least let him have some input into it because although we were split at the time I would have got her regardless. And to be honest, I got her just after we got back together and looking back if I had already had her I probably would have stayed single.

I had a similar situation, only I was the one wanting the dog.
We didn't live together, had loads of plans for future, but it was becoming obvious that they were just plans and no concrete steps were being taken to making them a reality.
DP said he wanted a dog, and until we lived together pup would live with me.
I had no kids, he worked away alot and I was bored, so I bought a puppy.
Immediately, ex DP was against it and would do things to sabotage the pups training, things like hyping him up before we'd leave the front room for sex so pup would cry, insisting on taking pup to places so the pup never got used to being alone, inviting him up on the bed. End result of course, no sex life. At all.
Ex DP then gave me an ultimatum, it's him or the dog. I chose the dog. He didnt leave. Things limped on, and when pup was 3 I broke up with the man.
Best decision I ever made.
I learnt a few lessons, but having a dog hasn't stopped me from having a fulfilling life. I still date, have lovers, holidays etc. It does take a lot of planning.
But I must be doing OK as I now have 2 dogs instead of the 1.

i do appreciate everyone’s perspectives very useful. It’s helped me to form my thoughts.

I want to support DP (or boyfriend might be more accurate 🤣). I do not want to sabotage this experience for him even though I am aware he is going to have a lot of challenges, this is him being overly optimistic and it’s his personality to just see the best in everything. He doesn’t like it when I am negative (I call it realistic 🤣).

I want to know what he is expecting from me and I would like him to understand that this isn’t something that just goes with any flow and does need plenty of thinking.

If he wants me to just support and enjoy the dog from afar and leave him to it, then I will try. If he wants to do this together as a couple then we need to talk about this sooner rather than later. I don’t want him to resent me sticking my oar in and I don’t want to resent him for not listening to me.

You’re over exaggerating. Yes at first they can’t be left for long but you can certainly have time out without the dog. It’s his home, his decision but perhaps he doesn’t see a future with you if he knows this isn’t what you want

Does he stay overnight with you OP? ( Sorry if youve already said) If so you will have to decide if you want the puppy in your home as obviously he can't leave it alone overnight.

I think that what you are describing isn’t an issue with the dog.
it’s two very different ways of approaching life - the optimistic, go with the flow one and the realistic, what is the plan one.

I dint think either if you are right or wrong. You’re just different.

Now I’m sure that this difference in outlook has happened before. What did you do and how did you solve the problem?

It’s a bit like children I think . I’m sure you’re not parenting your own dcs the same way. You might have read all the books and thought about what is important, what values you want to teach them etc… and he has muddled along adjusting (or not) to the challenges. You had a plan and he might have thought further than ‘oh I’d love a child’.
and in the same way, he’ll deal with the dog in his own ways. Probably not the way you do. Probably with a lot if help from parents to pick up the pieces, like he does rely on them for parenting.

I’ll also not ask him what his plans are for …. It’s the way he functions so of course, he hasn’t thought about it!
But you can know for yourself what are your boundaries and hold them. You can also leave the worries to him (like will the dog settle in my house), just like you have kept the worries about his dcs to him (and you looked after yours).

fwiw as a non dog person, i can see why he didn’t think this would be an issue to you if he has known you with a dog yourself and this wasn’t an issue then.
im pretty sure all the issues you are mentioning were there with your own dog??

I was sympathising till you called people in their sixties old.

@Parvanati I love dogs and have a dog but they are very tying and a long term commitment. I think dogs add so much more to your life in comparison to the freedom you lose but I know everyone doesn’t feel that way. I think the main issue here is that it kind of shows he’s not thinking of you both as a couple/ partnership. His mindset seems to be that he has his life and you have yours. A dog is a long term commitment and if I was with someone who I saw and had discussed a future with I would discuss a 10-15 year commitment with my partner before just doing it. But if I had no real intention of moving the relationship forward and I wanted a dog I would get one knowing it won’t impact them.

Agree with this.

I was in a similar relationship a few years ago, lived apart but very much felt like we were partners, just couldn’t move in due to the logistics of our separate DCs/schools etc. we’d talked about moving in when they were all grown up (5-10 years)

My XP talked about getting a dog (even though he didn’t want one) as his DDs were asking for one. I knew it would end up poorly trained, running riot and ruling the roost like his kids so I think I’d have finished with him if he’d actually got one. I’ve never had dogs and would never want one.

Knowing that he’d enter into such a huge commitment without considering the impact on our lives together would have been such a kick in the teeth.

In the end he got kittens for his kids instead, which was still potentially two animals I’d be expected to live with at some point, but obviously not something he’d considered. He made massive decisions (buying houses and cars etc) without ever discussing them with me, mainly as he know I’d try to convince him to be sensible. He was also flaky and unreliable in other ways so we finished anyway, but these whims didn’t help.

It’s the autonomy of making a decision like this without considering the impact on you that’s worse than the practical impact of dog walking etc that would annoy me.

This. I was in similar situation and said that a dog would be a dealbreaker for me because he had never owned one, had a job with lots of travel, and just hadn’t thought it through. He agreed to delay for 2years.
as it happened we have since split for non-related reasons but it would not have been the dog itself that was a dealbreaker for me but the lack of consultation or respect for my point of view.

You'd never had a dog of your own until you got one.

What's the difference - apart from now you're the 'expert' and he 'doesn't know what he's doing'?

He has his own home, his own children, his own support network. And now his own dog. If he wants to go out with you somewhere that doesn't allow dogs, he'll make arrangements for it. You'll have all the pleasure of a dog without any of the expense or overall responsibility. Your choice to not have a dog until you think your life is near enough over (it won't be, but that's internalised ageism for you) is not his choice - and perhaps your vision of trundling around festivals in the rain and mud in your fifties isn't his idea of a good time.

Presumably from a puppy farm or at least an irresponsible breeder, given he got one at such short notice?

Recipe for disaster

Dogs are an incredible addition to a family - I think you are perhaps focussing on what affect it has on you, and not what it will mean for your DP and his kids. I have two... and it was hard at the beginning but they have brought such love into my life and such joy, I wouldn't swap this experience for anything. Embrace the dog, literally and figuratively. It might be good for you, too.

Yes I am focusing on me because I don’t live in the house I am not in the family, I am external so I would like to know how this is going to work for our relationship. The ins and outs of daily life and his kids with a dog are not down to me and I wouldn’t expect any input into them.

I’ve given him advice but I don’t know if he wants my advice or input on things like dog training, so I have asked him to share with me his perspective. I also said that he had been in my position when I had a dog so I would like to hear his side.

Whether I think I am an expert or not is not the point, I do have more experience, especially of what mistakes you can make with a dog and that can bring value but only if he’s open to that. He might not be. I don’t know what his expectations are of me, and my role. He has not considered this.

I don’t know where I fit into this dynamic. I am not a dog owner, I’m a visitor, so it won’t be appropriate for me to expect any say in how he lives his life or his decisions.

I don't think it's a problem if the OP focuses on what it will mean for her tbh.

He has considered himself, his children and his life. That's for him to do. The OP can consider herself and what it means for her. Why wouldn't she?

YANBU, I would feel just the same (and I have a dog!). I think my approach would be to step back and take the attitude "your dog, your problem". Don't get sucked into dealing with all the inevitable puppy drama. Just smile vaguely and get on with the stuff that you enjoy doing, even if he can't come because of the dog. I suspect he has no idea of how much work a puppy/dog will be, and will quietly rehome it after six months or a year.

I can see why you are upset. He's made a longterm lifestyle change without thinking of how it affects your relationship going forward.

I’ve given him advice but I don’t know if he wants my advice or input on things like dog training, so I have asked him to share with me his perspective. I also said that he had been in my position when I had a dog so I would like to hear his side.
Just stop. You are trying to mother him. Stand back and let him ask you. It's his decision, his choice, he's told you loud and clear that your opinions do not count (otherwise he would have discussed the whole idea with you).

Plans to move in one day and talked of marriage. He says he can see himself growing old with me.
Nothing wrong with this until one of you sabotages that dream, then you have to question whether they are one of those future fakers. I suspect he is.

I don’t know where I fit into this dynamic. I am not a dog owner, I’m a visitor, so it won’t be appropriate for me to expect any say in how he lives his life or his decisions.

But you do realise that your DP was in the exact same situation with our dog right?
Whats the difference between you having a dog and him?

I totally get where you are coming from, all the ‘what if’ you have. I’d have the same.
But I’m not and never have been a dog owner. Whereas you have been one whilst in a relationship with your DP. Your dog didn’t stop you from establishing the relationship nor did it stop you from going away on hols etc… so why do you think your DP having a dog will?

It feels to me that the issue isn’t the dog. It’s your DP/you.
You don’t trust him to deal with the dog well or in the way you expect. I suspect you’re worried his parents will take over and your DP will look after the dog the way they do. And that means all the things you’ve described, including wanting to leave the dog.
As a result, you want some control in the situation, control you don’t have (eg how is it going to be trained, will it be crated, will it go to a kennel whilst we go away etc etc).

@AsterixAndPersimmon I had the dog already when we met. So the dog was already established in its behaviour and routines. But yes I have asked him for his own experience and I am open to hearing how it was for him.

I agree that if your partner sees you as a permanent part of his life, it is surprising that he did not discuss a significant lifestyle decision with you. It seems you are not quite as important in his life as you had been led to believe and obviously that is a painful realisation, but perhaps it is better to know sooner rather than later.

To be fair when I lived apart from DH I didn't ask his permission or discuss either of my dogs with him. I never even thought to. It wasn't his house. It wasn't his decision.

Although, we had no plans to move back in togther.

He made his feelings known and tried to give me advice which, honestly, just pissed me off. It wasn't his house or his dog and the advice was also wrong

Yes exactly! I don’t want to be someone who blindly plods on annoying him with all my unsolicited advice then find out he never wanted it anyway. He’s involved me to a point of sending me photos and talking to me about it so he’s not left me out completely.

He went to see the dog, got the dog. He then went out to the shops and was sending me photos of silly dog beds and stuff. As I wasn’t there, I didn’t know he was joking or serious or asking for advice. I replied that these things were all a waste of money and all he needed was blankets, a basic bedding and decent bowls that a puppy won’t tip over and puppy safe toys. He didn’t reply for hours - he has been at his parents house. I don’t even know its name, I’ve not met the dog. I am on the outside of it and I need to find out where my place is then I can work out if I want to be in that allotted place…

He went to see the dog, got the dog. I am on the outside of it and I need to find out where my place is then I can work out if I want to be in that allotted place…
Oh. If that is how you feel then that is not good. It's almost as if you feel he's relegated you to friend rather than his future wife. You need to discuss that, rather than the dog. The dog is a red herring. You don't feel involved and included in his future. It could be a dog, it could be a new house or location, it could be him changing jobs that will impact future earnings therefore mortgage. His long term choices and solo decisions are impacting on your future. He is not thinking about you at all. The you either like it or lump it attitude is very unsettling and its that which makes you feel insecure.

Although to be fair regarding the name perhaps he doesn't know it as maybe he wants the children's input. It took me and adult DD five days of brainstorming to think of a good name for our rescue cat.

I’ve started to question if I am the dick. If I was excited about something for my children and he started negatively nagging at me about it I might be upset. At least my message asking to talk about it was open and approachable, so I hope he didn’t take it badly although I’ve not heard from him since!

Yeah everyone is right that I am not a partner we are not a partnership I am just a girlfriend on the side of his life. I know that and I’ve obviously accepted it up till now so that’s on me. I would like it to change one day but perhaps it will not.