Page 6 | Husband texting female colleague - would this bother you?

Text123 · 2023-08-01T11:57:31+00:00

Don't know if I'm being unreasonable here, and would like others opinions. Husband was showing me something on his phone today, in the middle of a long conversation he has going with a female colleague. The thread went back for ages, and I commented that he seems to be texting her a lot. He let me see the conversation, and they have exchanged hundreds of messages going back to January. They both work the same shift pattern (antisocial hours), and most of the messages are work related, but there are a few that aren't, like sending photo's of their dinner (at work). To be fair, it was a buffet put on at work. The most texts they exchanged were 51 in one day. They used to work on the same team, and in one message she says that they (her and her colleagues) miss him, and he texted back "I miss you too". She also sent a selfie of herself and a colleague yesterday with the caption "we love you". Other than that, the chat is solely work based and there isn't any flirting. No kisses and no emojis etc. I don't know if I am being unreasonable by being irritated by this, because the messages are 99% work related. I think it irked me because he hadn't been intimate with me for 3 months, prior to yesterday when we ended that dry spell. What do you think?

MsDogLady · 01/08/2023 18:45

@Text123, this excessive messaging would cross my boundaries. Coupled with their 1:1 contact at work, I’d be very concerned.

In my view, this woman is in his head and he’s enjoying the validation of her attention. While they’ve been building a connection and reliance, with an escalation of photos and affectionate comments, your physical relationship has taken a nosedive.

I’d be honest about my discomfort with his investment of energy, time and attention in this woman. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass explains the evolvement of blurred boundaries that will damage a primary relationship.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2023 18:53

I was actually a very cool gal about a situation like this back in 2005- my H (41) and this young woman (21) who worked for us (our business) went on work trips overseas too , quite frequently. It never crossed my mind TBH as it didn't remotely seem in his character (or hers) I then noticed on our phone bills how much outward texting was going on-(didn't see the texts) and obviously it didn't show inward texting- I confronted him- he went white as a sheet and said it was just friendship. It then seemed to cool down a lot.

10 years later I found a drawer full of sub mills and boon standard songs and poems about this person (was very obvious who it was and he had dated them , so I can see it was at that time) he was clearly infatuated at that time- and I had been allowing them on trips , flights and meals for 2 and shared apartments etc. I felt I had totally been taken for a mug ! And although he swears it was in his head and nothing happened , as @NarcNarc said- quite a bit of respect went out the window and I was very shaken.

We haven't divorced but he knows if anything like this happened again he is toast-

I think OP that whilst it's fine to have opposite sex friends, it needs to be proportional and this is I feel too much and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's how you feel. I am a cynic these days I'm afraid- it's nearly always some attractive younger woman

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 18:54

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 18:32

Have I misunderstood your argument? I thought, but I’m genuinely happy to be corrected, that you were saying that if one trusts one’s partner, that’s some sort of prophylactic against them cheating? Have I got that wrong?

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It certainly won’t have any bearing on if they will or if they won’t, but distrust and some of the unreasonableness that comes from it, such as this very thread, will create issues in a relationship in itself.

angrybread · 01/08/2023 18:59

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2023 18:53

I was actually a very cool gal about a situation like this back in 2005- my H (41) and this young woman (21) who worked for us (our business) went on work trips overseas too , quite frequently. It never crossed my mind TBH as it didn't remotely seem in his character (or hers) I then noticed on our phone bills how much outward texting was going on-(didn't see the texts) and obviously it didn't show inward texting- I confronted him- he went white as a sheet and said it was just friendship. It then seemed to cool down a lot.

10 years later I found a drawer full of sub mills and boon standard songs and poems about this person (was very obvious who it was and he had dated them , so I can see it was at that time) he was clearly infatuated at that time- and I had been allowing them on trips , flights and meals for 2 and shared apartments etc. I felt I had totally been taken for a mug ! And although he swears it was in his head and nothing happened , as @NarcNarc said- quite a bit of respect went out the window and I was very shaken.

We haven't divorced but he knows if anything like this happened again he is toast-

I think OP that whilst it's fine to have opposite sex friends, it needs to be proportional and this is I feel too much and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's how you feel. I am a cynic these days I'm afraid- it's nearly always some attractive younger woman

i mean 2 paramedics whiling away a night shift, vs a husband constantly going away in a shared apartment with an employee while the wife also has a stake in the business…. I’m not saying anything is or isn’t happening in OP’s case, but the latter is clearly a mug situation while the former is less black and white

itsmyp4rty · 01/08/2023 19:19

angrybread · 01/08/2023 18:59

i mean 2 paramedics whiling away a night shift, vs a husband constantly going away in a shared apartment with an employee while the wife also has a stake in the business…. I’m not saying anything is or isn’t happening in OP’s case, but the latter is clearly a mug situation while the former is less black and white

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Wow you're calling @Crikeyalmighty a mug because she didn't suspect the husband she trusted and their employee to be able to go away on business together without shagging?

OP I think this is one that you'll never know the answer to. But I'd be asking why he messages her so much rather than anyone else and I'd be asking for him to keep his texting to her more inline with his texting of other people he gets on with at work.

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 19:26

RealisticGuy · 01/08/2023 18:54

It certainly won’t have any bearing on if they will or if they won’t, but distrust and some of the unreasonableness that comes from it, such as this very thread, will create issues in a relationship in itself.

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Thanks for explaining 👍🏻I agree with you that, no matter what one does, one cannot prevent a partner being unfaithful. I also agree that controlling one’s non cheating partner by constantly monitoring their comms would probably lead to the breakup of the relationship.

However, the OP’s case sounds too similar to not only my own, but dozens of cases I’ve read about on this board, and also in the book I referenced, to make me believe it’s a purely innocent friendship and that it’s not going to lead to inappropriate behaviour. Shirley Glass explains it in her book much better than I ever could but basically all affairs start as friendships, unless one is really bold and progresses straight to knickers off in the stationery cupboard at the office Christmas party 😆

Ladyj84 · 01/08/2023 19:32

Don't see the problem it's a friend's convo for goodness sake even more words get exchanged verbally lol.

CarnelianArtist · 01/08/2023 20:23

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2023 18:53

I was actually a very cool gal about a situation like this back in 2005- my H (41) and this young woman (21) who worked for us (our business) went on work trips overseas too , quite frequently. It never crossed my mind TBH as it didn't remotely seem in his character (or hers) I then noticed on our phone bills how much outward texting was going on-(didn't see the texts) and obviously it didn't show inward texting- I confronted him- he went white as a sheet and said it was just friendship. It then seemed to cool down a lot.

10 years later I found a drawer full of sub mills and boon standard songs and poems about this person (was very obvious who it was and he had dated them , so I can see it was at that time) he was clearly infatuated at that time- and I had been allowing them on trips , flights and meals for 2 and shared apartments etc. I felt I had totally been taken for a mug ! And although he swears it was in his head and nothing happened , as @NarcNarc said- quite a bit of respect went out the window and I was very shaken.

We haven't divorced but he knows if anything like this happened again he is toast-

I think OP that whilst it's fine to have opposite sex friends, it needs to be proportional and this is I feel too much and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's how you feel. I am a cynic these days I'm afraid- it's nearly always some attractive younger woman

Yes men can cheat. But equally most aren't.

When I was about 30 I had a work friend about 50. We worked long hours. I found him intriguing. Maybe I had a little crush. I suspect he found me pretty and we got on well as he seemed to give me attention, support and we were kind to each other. As it was many years ago there was no WhatsApp group. However I can imagine these days we probably would text in that scenario. If you measured our daily conversations you'd get many more than 50 messages worth.

Anyway, we never cheated or came close to it. He loved his wife and I loved my boyfriend. And it was clear he wouldn't do something unprofessional. We bumped into each other recently and just went for a coffee - completely different context and it's clear any spark had gone.

So yes there are some cheaters. But there are many scenarios like this with no cheaters.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2023 20:38

@angrybread it's ok , I feel a bit of a mug too- but it was something that had happened before with2 other young women (live entertainment industry) and not a whiff of anything remotely iffy. It was a bad time for us I guess , his mum was dying, our business had a few issues and I certainly wasn't giving him much attention - not that in retrospect he deserved any. I think it was escapism in his head from real life shit.

I think it's all relative , and only the OP knows her partners mindset and personality and usual behaviour as regards texting. as you say a lot of industries like police or paramedics can have a lot of one to one time with another. Unfortunately both are known as industries with high level of affairs which probably start because of too much time together one to one and personal talking to fill the time in some cases. I call it friendship creep and yes the Shirley glass book covers it well. Someone who you aren't in a relationship with starts to fill your time with messaging that's not 100% about a work project, , then your thoughts, - most men would find it very disrespectful if women sat doing the same with some young bloke unless they were gay. In fact ironically before I found out about my Hs behaviour I did indeed have someone who used to contact me a fair bit and engage in general chit chat/banter - mentioned it to H who said 'he obviously fancies you then, watch him ' !! Oh the irony

Hawkins009 · 01/08/2023 20:41

It's possible it's emotional ego boost, or it is just a friendship

peplepue · 01/08/2023 20:46

I have very long WhatsApp chats with male work colleagues, most about work, sometimes home stuff. 100% platonic. I work with mainly men, only a couple of women and I just don't have the same relationship with them so no chats. Very happy with my husband and definitely wouldn't want to swap him for someone at work. Pretty sure he's not worried, he's probably happy I'm not droning on about work stuff to him anyway.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 02/08/2023 11:07

Seems fine to me if it's mostly work stuff or work adjacent

TheWayoftheLeaf · 02/08/2023 11:08

Friedgreentomatoestoo · 01/08/2023 13:06

I really don't get all this texting rubbish.

It's much quicker to pick up a phone and actually talk.

51 in a day isn't normal, when does he get any work done ??

Texting is quick and can be done while you do other things. Not everyone wants a protracted phone call. In fact I hate phone calls and only have them with my mother.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 02/08/2023 11:48

Text123 · 01/08/2023 13:35

I think because who cares what you're having for dinner. It's not work chat is it?

But you said it was dinner provided by work? They were just showing what they'd gone for from the selection

Gwenhwyfar · 02/08/2023 12:06

Friedgreentomatoestoo · 01/08/2023 13:06

I really don't get all this texting rubbish.

It's much quicker to pick up a phone and actually talk.

51 in a day isn't normal, when does he get any work done ??

I have Teams conversations with my workmates, sometimes partly about work and partly social. There can be quite a few messages on quiet days. We wouldn't be able to call each other in the same way.

baileys6904 · 02/08/2023 13:42

NarcNarc · 01/08/2023 19:26

Thanks for explaining 👍🏻I agree with you that, no matter what one does, one cannot prevent a partner being unfaithful. I also agree that controlling one’s non cheating partner by constantly monitoring their comms would probably lead to the breakup of the relationship.

However, the OP’s case sounds too similar to not only my own, but dozens of cases I’ve read about on this board, and also in the book I referenced, to make me believe it’s a purely innocent friendship and that it’s not going to lead to inappropriate behaviour. Shirley Glass explains it in her book much better than I ever could but basically all affairs start as friendships, unless one is really bold and progresses straight to knickers off in the stationery cupboard at the office Christmas party 😆

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I'm sorry for your experience but with the greatest of respect, it doesn't make thing the default standard.

Of course youve read hundreds of similar tales on here, but that's the nature of the board, it's for relationship issues. It's not a spotlight into normal life, but support for people that need support. It's like going onto a group for forces wives and deciding that all men wear uniforms.

And of course affairs start as friendships. It doesn't say what level of friendships, does it. More that a conversations been had 🤷‍♀️ I could write a book that states all affairs start with non sexual touching. I have letters after my name to give it a bit of validation and everyone is intimate don't usually just go straight for the honey pot.

All I'm trying to say, with a tongue in cheek way is, the person that cheated on you was an arsehole. A complete an utter wanker that took advantage of your trust. Absolutely no excusing that. Just please dont let yourself fall into the path of thinking everyone's the same bu surrounding yourself with an echo chamber. Don't let the arsehole damage who u are

NarcNarc · 02/08/2023 16:34

baileys6904 · 02/08/2023 13:42

I'm sorry for your experience but with the greatest of respect, it doesn't make thing the default standard.

Of course youve read hundreds of similar tales on here, but that's the nature of the board, it's for relationship issues. It's not a spotlight into normal life, but support for people that need support. It's like going onto a group for forces wives and deciding that all men wear uniforms.

And of course affairs start as friendships. It doesn't say what level of friendships, does it. More that a conversations been had 🤷‍♀️ I could write a book that states all affairs start with non sexual touching. I have letters after my name to give it a bit of validation and everyone is intimate don't usually just go straight for the honey pot.

All I'm trying to say, with a tongue in cheek way is, the person that cheated on you was an arsehole. A complete an utter wanker that took advantage of your trust. Absolutely no excusing that. Just please dont let yourself fall into the path of thinking everyone's the same bu surrounding yourself with an echo chamber. Don't let the arsehole damage who u are

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Thank you for your great respect. I offer great respect to you in my turn when I say that I’ve been cheated on by two different partners, to the best of my knowledge, and yet it’s not altered my view of the world one jot, so I think your patronising comment about uniforms was somewhat de trop. Of course you may suspect I have a very low level of intelligence and that’s your prerogative 🤣

Men and women can be friends, but 51 messages in one day and no longer having sex with one’s wife suggests more than a simple friendship to me. The OP would like more attention and her H isn’t providing it whilst he’s responding to 51 texts or partial texts is he?

Crikeyalmighty · 02/08/2023 17:07

@NarcNarc Couldn't agree more, at the point my H was mooning over over employee behind my back and doing the poems and songs thing (and recording himself singing and playing guitar to them onto CD) he was busy saying to me that he hadn't had time to mow the lawn and didn't get a minute to himself! Funny how he found time to indulge in his crush activity- if the OPs partner spent less time responding to what is supposedly a colleague then he might have time to put into his marriage

baileys6904 · 03/08/2023 08:09

NarcNarc · 02/08/2023 16:34

Thank you for your great respect. I offer great respect to you in my turn when I say that I’ve been cheated on by two different partners, to the best of my knowledge, and yet it’s not altered my view of the world one jot, so I think your patronising comment about uniforms was somewhat de trop. Of course you may suspect I have a very low level of intelligence and that’s your prerogative 🤣

Men and women can be friends, but 51 messages in one day and no longer having sex with one’s wife suggests more than a simple friendship to me. The OP would like more attention and her H isn’t providing it whilst he’s responding to 51 texts or partial texts is he?

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Absolutely was not meant to patronise in any way at all.

If you feel that it did, I'm sorry. It really wasn't intended.

NarcNarc · 03/08/2023 08:21

baileys6904 · 03/08/2023 08:09

Absolutely was not meant to patronise in any way at all.

If you feel that it did, I'm sorry. It really wasn't intended.

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Thank you for your apology xx

Meanyheads · 30/04/2025 00:41

Affairs don't start with f--. They start with secret conversations. And are there individual texts he deletes? Check the phone records against the texts on his phone.

For me, when you're married, opposite sex friendships should be friends to both partners. Way too many affairs start that way. So that would be a hard NO for me. The age difference.... my H and I are mid 50s and it irks me how 30 something women overly friend him. I've found women LOVE to be the sounding board for married men to complain about their wife to.

Kimmeridge · 30/04/2025 01:21

@Meanyheads this threads 18 months old 🙄

Meanyheads · 30/04/2025 02:48

Other people read threads that are old to get insight. Didn't think it was a problem to comment on old threads, but OK.